How long before you said "I love you"?

[FnB]

I was just wondering how long you were seeing your significant other before you said "I love you"?

 

When I was a young teenager filled with too many hormones and wearing my heart on my sleeve, I told my then girlfriend that I loved her... then watched her quite rightly flee like a big fleeing thing chased by a big scary guy.

 

So I'm just carrying out a survey to see what the "industry standard" time is before you say the words

 

Actually I'd just like to hear the circumstances when you decided to say it, whether it was easy to say or not, whether you stressed before saying it...

 

So warm the cockles of my 'eart and spill... (I'm just an old romantic really)

[Super 8]

Oh, it usually doesn't take me too long. I'm pretty co-dependant.

[FnB]

It's funny cos it's true

[phaeton]

Well in my case, not until i feel it....I don't use the "L" word lightly.

 

Which is currently a strain on my current relationship- She says it constantly, and i don't say it at all, yet.

 

Relationship is about 11 weeks old.

 

Frankly, it makes me a bit uncomfortable, but i'll be ok in time.

[FnB]

So what happens when she says "I love you"? How do you not say it? Do you just pretend that she hasn't said it, or go "that's nice"...? Just curious...

 

(Think there's a Seinfeld episode where George says I love you and she is deaf in one ear and doesn't say anything.. then he wonders whether she heard him and didn't say anything or just didn't hear... sorry - I just live my life based on TV )

 

I'm currently 3 months with my girlfriend - meeting her folks next weekend - and to date neither of us have said it - have said "I hate you" / "I hate you too" though in a nice way.

 

Hasn't really been an issue though - I'd prefer to simmer away nicely and say it when it feels right, than for us to be intense and a flash in the pan if you know what I mean.

[Lee Flier]

Yeah, I'm very uncomfortable with doing/saying too much too soon. I think it's kind of actually disrespectful to the relationship... as if you could really know someone enough to say you love them within a few months. Or have sex with them. But that's another story.

 

About 6 months is the soonest I'd probably say it.

[phaeton]

So what happens when she says "I love you"? How do you not say it? Do you just pretend that she hasn't said it, or go "that's nice"...? Just curious...

 

I usually smile at her all cheesy-like, or squeeze her hand... something to acknowledge that i heard her, but i don't say it back. Occasionally i tried on the overly sarcastic "oh, you do NOT!! you're just using me for money/sex/my truck/my guitar/my computer/a ride to the [whereever we're headed]"... we're both pretty sarcastic so it kinda works, but i don't want to overuse that.

 

We talked about this once or twice. I gently explained to her that i won't say it unless i really mean it. I like her a lot and all, but i'm not going to overexaggerate what's not there yet. It will probably all come together in time, and rest assured that when i *do* say it, it will be sincere and earnest.

 

She didn't like hearing that, but i think she accepted it. She says that if it doesn't happen within several months then that will be a detriment to a relationship, and i concur.

 

Occasionally i suspect that she's just infatuated with me atm (which is ok, too) and not really "in love" persay. Doesn't mean it *won't* happen later, and i'm sure her intentions are 110% good and genuine. But i'll never admit to her that i question the depth of her feelings.

[phaeton]

btw,

 

Is that a non-master marshall head in your avatar, FnB?

[YourMotherShouldKnow]

Originally posted by Lee Flier:

About 6 months is the soonest I'd probably say it.

I don't know you personally Lee but I find this hard to believe. When most people really fall hard those words just come out. Within a month if not sooner.

 

FnB,

 

I say keep the "I love you's" at 5 to 1. 5 from her to 1 from you. If you go around saying that too much you look like a wuss in her eyes. And it won't be long before she'll be sayin' it a whole lot less.

 

However, you can say it without saying those words. Say things like, "Who needs nice weather and sports on TV when I have you?" To her, it's the same as saying "I love you" and it makes you look like a man in her eyes.

[Lee Flier]

Originally posted by LanceMo:

I don't know you personally Lee but I find this hard to believe. When most people really fall hard those words just come out. Within a month if not sooner.

Well, like phaeton mentioned, a lot of people confuse love with infatuation. Which can be OK, love CAN grow out of infatuation, but a month is way too soon to know if that's the case. So personally, I won't use that word after a month. That way, when I do use it, it will have a lot more weight. I know other people think differently and that's OK.

 

I say keep the "I love you's" at 5 to 1. 5 from her to 1 from you. If you go around saying that too much you look like a wuss in her eyes. And it won't be long before she's be sayin' it a whole lot less.

Wow... errhhh... if I got the idea that a guy was deliberately holding back what he felt to play games with me, and elicit more "I love you's" from me, I'd be gone in a hurry. Nor would I think that anybody was a "wuss" for saying how he felt.

 

Basing a relationship on infatuation and deception is pretty much asking for disaster right off the bat. These don't sound like statements that would come from a rationalist Rand-head.

[YourMotherShouldKnow]

Wow... errhhh... if I got the idea that a guy was deliberately holding back what he felt to play games with me, and elicit more "I love you's" from me, I'd be gone in a hurry.

Yeah but what if you loved him? And he demonstrates his love for you with his actions? What if he feels weak saying I love you every 5 minutes? You'd be gone?

[Lee Flier]

No, I wouldn't be gone then, but that's not at all what you said before.

[YourMotherShouldKnow]

Originally posted by Lee Flier:

No, I wouldn't be gone then, but that's not what you said before.

Hmm...

 

Do you believe in love at first sight? I definitely do. That's why I'm open to say those words sooner than some people.

[phaeton]

I say keep the "I love you's" at 5 to 1. 5 from her to 1 from you.

 

Not to veer off course here, but i could make a Doors reference with this

[Phait]

I don't remember. I do remember asking 2 of them (Not at the same time, mind you) "will you be mine?" and the answer being "yes". WHICH IS SO TOTALLY FRICKEN AWESOME but those 2 are not in my life anymore. I need to cry now.

[KenElevenShadows]

To answer the question: depends. Several months, over a year...

[NMcGuitar]

I don't think there has been any sort of rule or guideline (or even a pattern) for me in terms of time. I wait until I'm sure it's true. I'm sure it's true when I can't NOT tell her that I love her (I mean emotionally, not because she keeps saying it).

 

Once that "barrier" has been broken, tell her every time you feel it (none of this "ratio" crap). Life is too short not to tell the people you love that you love them.

 

My $0.02

[cherri]

1. Say it when you're sure. That time frame varies from person to person.

 

2. If they say it and you are NOT in love, it's perfectly okay to say, "Wow, I'm flattered, but I'm not ready to say it back. Don't give up, just give me more time." It's up to the other person how they deal with your honest answer. If they're emotionally stable and mature, they'll respect your honesty. If they flip out ... that's a red flag!

 

3. My husband and I met in late December and said our first I Love Yous on Valentines Day. It was sooooooo romantic .... *swoon*

 

4. I do believe in love at first sight, because that's how it happened for my ex husband and me. Note, the "EX" preceeding "husband" and make your own conclusions.

[Lee Flier]

Originally posted by NMcGuitar:

I wait until I'm sure it's true. I'm sure it's true when I can't NOT tell her that I love her (I mean emotionally, not because she keeps saying it).

 

Once that "barrier" has been broken, tell her every time you feel it (none of this "ratio" crap). Life is too short not to tell the people you love that you love them.

Exactly!!

[Lee Flier]

Originally posted by LanceMo:

Do you believe in love at first sight? I definitely do. That's why I'm open to say those words sooner than some people.

Well... I dunno about love at first sight. There've been times where I've first met somebody and had a pretty good idea they were going to play a huge part in my life - almost like I knew them before in another lifetime. And in most cases where I've felt that, it's been true that we went on to have a relationship or became lifelong friends.

 

BUT... love, to me, implies there's a certain degree of trust and investment in each other that can't possibly be there when you very first meet somebody. You might experience lust at first sight , or just a strong desire to spend time with them and get to know them, to have a chance for love to grow. But it needs time to grow... and if you're really meant to be together you can always say those magic words when real love has had a chance to unfold, there's no rush. It takes me awhile to know for sure that I really and truly love someone, even if I have a good idea right away that I will. But once I do decide that, you can bet I say it - and show it - often!! And you can bet I really mean it, my feelings aren't going to go away as suddenly as they came on. I'd feel better knowing the other person put the same sort of weight on it, although like I said people do have different ways of expressing how they feel and that's all right too.

[Franknputer]

Mmmm...lust.... http://franknputer.complexero.com/images/homer_drool.gif

 

Oh. Sorry about that.

 

I don't think you can ascribe an acceptable time period, although I think that even with love at 1st sight, saying it on the first day is probably a bad idea.

[ani]

I would guess that a lot of it depends on what a person has been through in their life as to how receptive they would be in hearing the words tossed out casually.

 

I'm to the point to where I don't want to hear them early on in a relationship, nor do I want to say them without KNOWING that something is real. Love is not physical and too many times people get caught up in HORMONES and confuse lust for love.

[antimatter]

Here's an idea

Say it when your three sheets,,, no, four sheets to the wind! If it goes over good; stick with it!

If not, well, oh the crazy things you say when you are drunk.

 

OK scratch that idea.

 

I really can't say exactly when with the Mrs.

I'm sure it was within the first 4 months.

 

I don't think it's a time passed issue, more of a time spent together issue. And what you're doing in that time too! Some may have dates once a week. Or maybe it's several times a week.

 

How much time have you spent talking? Do you know that person yet? Do they know you? Have you 'let it all hang out'?

 

How about sex?! Feelings about sex too. Lust ain't love!

 

Lots of stuff to think about. Good luck.

 

And hey, there's a guy on another thread offering free advice or something.

[Odyssian]

It takes me a long time to say it. I don't think I told my fiance until after a year or two that we'd been seeing each other. Something like that to me infers such a huge commitment. I don't feel there is a need to rush to get to that point, esp. if you're wanting to be there just for the sake of it.

 

Like was mentioned above, it has to just feel right inside. If that takes a year or more, then okay. That's much better than spilling your guts out when you don't even know the person fully.

 

Going a step further, a pet peeve of mine is when people say I love you too many times, or as if they were saying "good morning". To me, that tends to diminsh the seriousness of the phrase.

[antimatter]

Oops sorry. You aren't asking advice, just a survey. Well like I said, for us it was within 4 months, probably less.

 

On one of our first dates, this pub had a CD jukebox. I put on some music. I saw the Beatles White Album and selected 'Happiness is a warm gun'. When it came on, she said "Happiness is a warm gun! Great song!". This might have been the exact time 'I knew'.

[Lee Flier]

Originally posted by antimatter:

I don't think it's a time passed issue, more of a time spent together issue. And what you're doing in that time too! Some may have dates once a week. Or maybe it's several times a week.

Good call. That does make a difference. In my case it's always gotten to the point where we both want to spend a LOT of time together. I can't imagine telling someone I love them when we've gone and had dinner once a week for a few months.

 

How much time have you spent talking? Do you know that person yet? Do they know you? Have you 'let it all hang out'?

Exactly.

[Steve LeBlanc]

if I really thought I was in love with the girl (like in the case of the girl I married)...I waited at least 3 months

 

if I knew I didn't love the girl...I told her I loved her the first night and everyday until I split...ah but I was much younger and generally more angry then...haha

[Jeebus]

3.463333333333 months, by my calculations.

 

G-bus

[FnB]

Jeebus

3.463333333333 months, by my calculations

So that's .46333333 of a month I have to wait then

 

phaeton

Is that a non-master marshall head in your avatar, FnB?

Good question - no idea. I lifted the pic off google after I did a search for Frankenstrat...

I was brought up on Van Halen records - he was my hero as a kid when spandex and big hair ruled the world. Those were the days...

 

NMcGuitar

I wait until I'm sure it's true. I'm sure it's true when I can't NOT tell her that I love her (I mean emotionally, not because she keeps saying it).

 

Once that "barrier" has been broken, tell her every time you feel it (none of this "ratio" crap). Life is too short not to tell the people you love that you love them.

 

Agree with this 100% - life is too short not to tell someone when you mean it...

 

I think though that you have to be able to know the difference between lust at first sight (as someone said), that irrational hormonal "I'm in love" when you still don't really know the person, and the longer term "I love you" when you both know each others faults and you still think she's the best.

 

I mean, everyone to a greater or lesser degree pretends to be someone they're not when you start going out with someone. You obviously try to be yourself, but I mean I wouldn't feel comfortable letting one go on the first couple of dates. She'd bolt! (Well, she'd be unconcious for a bit, but then she'd bolt)

 

I think if you were to say "I love you" before that "all hanging out stage" you cheapen the words when you say them.

 

But then I think a lot of how you feel about saying the words will come from how you've been raised.

 

I was brought up in a house where I was always told I was loved and I think it comes easier to me to say "I love you".

 

One of my friends on the other hand, whose parents were an older generation never actually said the words to him. He always knew he was loved (they spoilt him) but I think the words scare the pants off him - he had been seeing a girl for a year and every time she told him she loved him, he had problems saying it.

 

But maybe that's just unusual I don't know.

 

Love at first sight? I don't know. I met my girlfriend in a bar on Valentine's Day. She was out with her friends for her birthday and I was out with my friends as designated driver for the night.

 

My friends all got incredibly drunk and hit the dance floor. Normally I don't mind but that night I wasn't having a good time at all - they were playing four to the floor dance stuff which I wasn't into.

 

Anyway , I don't know if it counts as a prayer or not but I was complaining to God/Universe/World in general in my head - "If you're working on someone special for me, I wish you'd hurry up and get your finger out!" when up walks my girlfriend.

 

Do you know, when you meet someone and they're smiling at you and you're thinking "Where do I know you from... have we met before cos I can't remember your name..."?

 

Well for the first minute or so it was like that - so maybe there is something to that past life thing

 

Anyway, I haven't been unhappy since - I've had some of the worst girlfriends in the world, been used, played mind games with, cheated on - so I know a good thing when I see it and I think I might hold onto this one.

 

But then, to paraphrase Beavis and Butthead watching a music video : "Maybe you have to have the bit that sucks so that you know when the cool bit comes along?"

 

FnB (All Loved Up)

[D. Gauss]

<>

 

as soon as the check clears...

 

-d. gauss