SilverDragonSoun

Two male lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning red head, face up,totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person. The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So, do you think we should ... Well .. You know ... Screw her?" "Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

And keeping with the religious tone.... Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely so, God asked him what was wrong with him. Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God listened and said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be called woman. God told him that "This pretty lady will gather the food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will never nag you. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong and when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will NEVER, ever have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it or want it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost me?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam said, "What can I get for a rib?" And, of course, the rest is history.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and h e was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do ab out it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon , she'd come and pick me up from school." KIDS -- DON'T YOU JUST LOVE 'EM?

That was freaking hilarious! :grin:

Its Saturday night and your primed to score with a lovely woman, or are you? Take the Test!

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. >Usually she slept through the class. > > One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. >"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" > > When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend >sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. > > "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. > The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. > > A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and >Savior?" > > But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. > Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the >butt. > > "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, >"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. > > The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after >she had her twenty-third child?" > Again, Johnny came to the rescue. > > > This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn >thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" > > The nun fainted...........

What great sound comes out of that. Very, very cool!

I may have been guilty of this maybe once or twice in my life at most. Seriously only once or twice I tell you. Ok maybe 3-4 times top this year but that's as far as I'm going. :grin:

Man that what (beep) funny. I laughed my (beep) (beep) off. You guys are all (beep). Tom thanks for (beep) sharing that you (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) :grin:

What, I don't get it? Shouldn't you know if you can fix your own amp or not? :grin:

That was a good one Tom!

Some racial groups included in this joke. It's meant to be funny and not racist in any way. An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile". So, the foreman goes away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese afella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnayfin' him either." The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy ...Just then, the Chinese guy jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "SUPPLIES!"

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, What is your occupation?" "I'm a whore," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a hooker?" "Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year." The accountant replies,.... "Chicken Farmer it is."

That is classic!! :grin:

Last week at a new restaurant, I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, just a short time later, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now," he said. I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right here?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. " Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the rest room." "How so?" "See" he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling himevery 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test... we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!" And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car...

At a U2 concert in Ireland, Bono (the lead singer) asks the audience for some quiet. Then he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone...."I want you to think about something. Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from the front of the audience yells out.... "Then fookin stop clapping, ya arsehole!" You Got To Love the Irish!

After Chelsea returned from a date, Hillary asked her if she had a good time. Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love. Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?" Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little TONY. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice c ream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking." LITTLE TONY ON MATH (Part 2) Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father? "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies TONY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f...... difference?" asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a TEN!" LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2) One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little TONY. "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'" LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It w ill give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business

See any website in a different dialect. Funny and worth a look and try it out. Push on me twice really fast

Let's try again http://www.sleekness.co.uk/uploads/proof.jpg No surprise. I always suspected their was a mathematical forumla to prove it.

Tax Deadline Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...... 21 million illegal aliens are depending on you!