SilverDragonSoun

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. ~~~~~~~~ The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. " ~~~~~~~~ That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't f#@^in think so.

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of > golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake > up on Christmas morning,roll out of bed and without > an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his > buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in > and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, > figure out a way and meet here early Christmas > morning." Months later, that special morning > arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The > first guy says, > "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife > such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off > it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife > is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up > to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says > "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, > reading them manual." They all turned to the last guy > in the group who is staring at them like they have > lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to > such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on > the arse and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's > a great morning for either sex or golf'.She said > ..." Take a sweater."

Nice Tom. Never underestimate the value of a dollar!

Something to get your Friday going with a smile. SMART ASS ANSWER #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, " Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." SMART ASS ANSWER #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." SMART ASS ANSWER #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. SMART ASS ANSWER #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR-- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Two bonus extras: #1. A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Well, then, give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists." #2. A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." He never heard the shot..

Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male!"

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper signs back: I dont know what you are talking about. The attorney tells the Godfather: He says he doesnt know what youre talking about. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple and says, Ask him again! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: Hell kill you if you dont tell him! The bookkeeper signs back: OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzos backyard in Queens! The Godfather asks the attorney: Well, whatd he say? The attorney replies: He says you dont have the balls to pull the trigger.

Some humor to ring in the new year! A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men." "What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsenbeer"

A little Christmas Humor A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Ok this one is not meant to be stereotypical or racist. Its juts means in good humor. A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he's a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask... So... Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegtables?

Politicians never sees to amaze me with all their political talk. I wonder if it was politically correct?

>A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the >supernatural. > >To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in >ghosts?" > >About 90 students raise their hands. > >"Well, that's a good start.Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do >any of you think you have seen a ghost?" > >About 40 students raise their hands. > >"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone >here ever talked to a ghost?" > >About 15 students raise their hand. > >"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" > >Three students raise their hands. > >"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of >you ever made love to a ghost?" > > >Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. > >The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been >giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. >You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." > >The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make >his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the >professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a >ghost?" > >Bubba replied, "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said goats."

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lad y , honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying ... that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Dammit I fell into the same trap

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have." He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have. The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby." He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that. The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When > asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade > listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been > married. She went on and on and on: > * neglect, * lack of intimacy, > * emptiness, * loneliness, > * feeling unloved and unlovable, > an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of > their marriage. > > Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the > therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to > stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. > > The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist > turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least > three times a week. Can you do this?" > > The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off > here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play tennis."

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the > Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the > three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" > > The blondes all nodded. > > The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. > Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be > a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to > notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars > and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first > blonde and Withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you > notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately > said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and > said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of > his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walk ed > out > of the office. > > The Detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her > face > for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything > unus ual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!" The > detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I > just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course > you can only see one ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde > sheepishly walked out of the office. > > The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, > "This is probably a waste of time, but....." He flashed the photo in her > face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you > notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?" The blonde > said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, > took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers > in the fold er. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and > said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he we ars contacts! How in the > world could you tell that by looking at his picture?" > > The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye > and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. --------------------------------------------------------------------- For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. --------------------------------------------------------------------- There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times." ------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years . The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ------------------------------------------------------------------- Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same. --------------------------------------------------------------- ---- I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often? ------------------------------------------------------------------- Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. ----------------------------------------------------- -------------- The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. ------------------------------------------------------------------- All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" ------------- ------------ ------------------------------------------ Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute" Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact , she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" ------------------------------------------------------------------- John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Lets get this long weekend off on the right foot with some humor!! The half-wit: A man owned a small farm in Iowa. The Iowa Wage & Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the rancher, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,"says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls d id their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends >$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops >at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, >"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" > "About 32," is the reply." > > "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. > > A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl >the very same question. > > The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." > > The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." > > Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on >her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and >asks the clerk this burning question. > > The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." > > Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" > > While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to >her the same question. > > He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was >young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds >very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. >Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." > > They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the >best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." > > He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around >very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently >pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against >each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay....How >old am I?" > > He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and >says, "Madam, you are 50." > > Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you >tell?" > > The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" > > "I promise I won't" she says. > > "I was behind you at McDonalds."