SilverDragonSoun

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN! A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word'fascinate', not 'fascinating'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinated'. Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnnybefore. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but hertits are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried.

Welcome UpNorthBuckeye Have fun with your CP33. Its a great DP and will bring you lots of joy I'm sure.

I was in Wal Mart the other day and I walked up to a young and lovely woman and said, "I've lost my wife in here somewhere. Can you talk to me for acouple of minutes?" The woman looks puzzled. "Why talk to me?", she asks. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.

IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here, pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cursed her. Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru? The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, Dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million." "For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff. "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old man a hug."

A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father meets him at the gate, and is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.....

Retirement Dinner A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation were chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."..... Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession." Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

CONVERTING BEARS A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Idaho. They got together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they all came together in the hospital room of the Rabbi to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle. I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, lying in the hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Wal Mart Greeter As I was retrieving a shopping cart in Wal-Mart yesterday a particularly unkempt, unattractive and mean spirited woman who actually reeked of body odor pushed me aside. Shoving past me, the woman snarled at her kids, almost knocking another older lady down, grabbed the first cart and swung it around, hitting an older man working there as a Wal Mart Greeter. As she pulled the cart away from the Greeter's stomach, in a kind and friendly voice the Greeter said, while gesturing towards the two children, "Are they twins?" Glaring at him she snapped back saying, "No you old fool, the brat's 9 and the little witch is 7, are you so blind you think they look alike?" "No," calmly replied the Greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahhhh, it's cute. 3. Why don't we just cuddle? 4. You know they have surgery to fix that. 5. Make it dance. 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it? 7. Wow, and your feet are so big. 8. It's OK, we'll work around it. 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 10. Oh no... a flash headache. 11. (giggle and point) 12. Can I be honest with you? 13. How sweet, you brought incense. 14. This explains your car. 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 16. Why is God punishing me? 17. At least this won't take long. 18. I never saw one like that before. 19. But it still works, right? 20. It looks so unused. 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 23. Are you cold? 24. If you get me real drunk first. 25. Is that an optical illusion? 26. What is that? 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 28. Does it come with an air pump? 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time. The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up." The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared." The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud! She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

INVESTMENT TIPS FOR 2007 For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2007. 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .. 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW! 9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: Titty Titty Bang Bang

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE (OR SEVERE DISTORTIONS THEREOF) Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, > well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. > > "May I help you?" she asked. > > "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. > > "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would > prefer someone else," said the madam. > > "No. I must see Valerie," he replied. > > Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged > $5,000 a visit. > > Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave > them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. > > After an hour, the man calmly left. > > The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see > Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in > a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was > still $5,000. > > Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went > upstairs. > After an hour, he left. > > The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded > that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and > they went upstairs. > > After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been > with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. > > The man replied, " South Carolina ." > > "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina " > > "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's > attorney. > She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance." > > The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain > 1. Death > 2. Taxes > 3. Being screwed by a lawyer*

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back to school and one by one began to tell their stories. "Tony, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?" "Stay the f*** away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking."

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill > > Clinton and turn in book reports on each of them. One sharp witted > > student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that > > they were nearly identical stories and hence only one book report was > > required! > > > > > His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: > > > > > Titanic: $29.99 > > Clinton: $29.99 > > Titanic: Over 3 hours to read > > Clinton: Over 3 hours to read > > Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and > > subsequent catastrophe. > > Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and > > subsequent catastrophe. > > Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. > > Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist. > > Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. > > Clinton: Ditto for Bill. > > Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. > > Clinton: Ditto for Monica. > > Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. > > Clinton: Let's not go there. > > Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. > > Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. > > Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. > > Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. > > Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. > > Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. > > Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. > > Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...basically the same thing.

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family." No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets." The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?

This was sent to me by a lady friend. Male VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts." "After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender." MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required, amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive Distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.

Tried clicking on the link and this is what I got. Broken Link The link you clicked on is not complete. If you clicked a link within an e-mail message, please verify that the link was not broken in the middle. If it is broken, copy and paste the entire link into your browser. You will be redirected to the eSnips home in a few seconds...

I don't know maybe it's just me but I think she has man hands. :grin:

Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? Answer: Princess Diana's death. Question: How come? Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you by a Canadian, using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals..... That, my friends, is Globalization!