SilverDragonSoun

YA! You made my day today!

I can add an interesting story. Many years ago at a party where our band played, I slept with a girl I met after the show. The next morning we're getting up and she sees me playing my keyboard, she says I thought you were the guitarist, and says no offense to you butthat's who I wanted to sleep with, to which I repied, that's ok I wanted to sleep with your friend instead of you, so I guess that makes us even. She then went to find her friend so she could leave, only to find her friend in bed with our guitarist. Keep in mind I was only 18, dumb, young and full of cum.

Good luck Big Bird with your new band and welcome to the forum!

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome." Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply. "You're joking!" was the response. "No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's ! naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... he's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?" "I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger." "Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?" "First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson." The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached." The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary. THE STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. (second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit. (Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully. (Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!" (Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent. (Gary) Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads; too many Danielle Steele novels!" (Rebecca) Asshole. (Gary) Bitch (Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL! (Gary) Go drink some tea - whore. (TEACHER) A+ - I really liked this one.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on! the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10)We do not ! refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, " Eat me." 12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry. 13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

For the women in our group: Man Schooling: For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for Marriage, Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree.... TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you too, can be a real man as well as earn an ASSociates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please! take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101 Combating Stupidities MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy underclothes for Christmas Winter Schedule: MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers Spring Schedule: MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butthole When you're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule: MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212 You Too, Can Be a Designa! ted Driver MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Denzel Washington MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Spring Schedule: MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket after Farting is NOT Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives: EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mothers-in-law MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear" ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her Just a thought for all the women out there... MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? Send this to all of the women you know (and men with a sense of humor) and brighten their day!!!... And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy .

Hopefully I don't botch this too bad. A guy is getting sicking of his wife complaining about how her delivery of a child is going to be brutal pain. He tells her he could handle that pain without any issues. She remembers a new device her doctor deviced which simulates the pain of child delivery for a couple connected with a child they conceived. Her husband agrees to go to the doctor with her to try this machine and to prove his point so he takes off work. They arrive and the doctor hooks him up. He explains he's only going to use 10% of the machines capacity as he doesn't want to overwhelm the man, on it goes and the man feels nothing. The doctor checks his machine and everything is in working order. He then goes to 25% and the man feels nothing, he goes to 50% the man feels nothing, then to 100% the man feels nothing. The doctor is perplexed and on the way home, the man braggs about how he proved his point. WQhne they arrive home they walk up the stiars to their entry way and see the mail man dead on their porch. (don't get it? Think about it for a second...)

Welcome to the forum. Its a great place to talk shop!

Thansk for the reply. I'll check out EarMaster.

I never introduced myself so..... I am a lazy, good for nothing 37 year old couch potato, ( ok now my wife is gone) I mean keyboard player who is currently setting up a studio. I've done some personal projects and projects for and with friends. While I can't hear pitch perfectly I have the ability to hear something in my head ( which I can't play) and program it into my computer. Some people say this is a gift but I feel like it's cheating when I can't play it. Anyways I like most music, ( sorry I dislike most rap) and I feel like most of today's mainstream music is missing something. I have gear But I am in the process of doing some major changes. I like the way this forum is as people are more considerate and not out to put others down. I look forward to reading and posting in the future. Does anyone know of a good ear training/pitch training program they could recommend?