SilverDragonSoun

BLONDE MORTICIAN A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and s ays, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says. "Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice." "So I just switched the heads." ~:-)

Who says men can't remember anniversaries? A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he asks solemnly. The wife is almost reduced to tears herself, just thinking how caring and sensitive her husband is. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your dad caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that, too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says....'I would have gotten out today.

Maybe not the worst loading story, but definitely worth sharing. I was moving into a new apartment some years ago and had a Yamaha S80 in a box. Well as it turns out I was lucky and had quite a few people(including many females unknown to me at the time)who showed up to help me. Well being the immature guy that I am, I attempted to heave the S80 box on my own over my head trying to show my superior strength . Well in the process I lost my footing and it fell right on top of me, literally. What makes the story is the description my friend gave as everyone was laughing hysterically. He described what he saw as being almost identical to the house falling on the witch in the wizard of oz. He said I was looking at this box with feet squirming on at the bottom and arms squirming on the sides frantically trying to get it off. It was like the box was alive.

A LITTLE guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour, when a big trouble-making biker comes next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, 'What'cha gonna do about it?' The poor little guy starts crying. 'Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,' the biker says. 'I didn't think you'd CRY. 'This is the worst day of my life,' says the little guy between sobs. 'I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late for an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damned poison!'

When Cletus was just a youngster, he went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist, "Sir, can you tell me where the ribbed condoms are?" The chemist replied, "Son, do you know what condoms are used for?" "Sure do. They keep you from getting venereal diseases." The chemist was impressed. "That's right, son. Do you know what the ribs are for?" Cletus paused and then answered, "Well, not really, but they sure do make the hair on my goat's back stand up."

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

Redneck pick up lines 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy , can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon. And.... The best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.' The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.' 'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor. The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows......

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many >> decades. Over the years >> they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. >> Lately, their activities >> had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play >> cards. >> > > >> > > One day they were playing cards when one looked >> at the other and said, >> 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been >> friends for a long time.....but I >> just can't think of your name! I've thought and >> thought, but I can't remember >> it. Please tell me what your name is.' >> > > >> > > Her friend glared at her. For at least three >> minutes she just stared and >> glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need >> to know?'

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old >> lady sitting on a park >> bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what >> was wrong. She said, 'I >> have a 22 year old husband at home He makes love to me >> every morning and then >> gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and >> freshly ground >> coffee.' >> > > >> > > I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' >> > > >> > > She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for >> lunch and my favorite brownies >> and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.' >> (scoll) >> > > >> > > I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' >> > > >> > > She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet >> meal with wine and my >> favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. >> ' >> > > >> > > I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be >> crying?' >> > > >> > > She said, 'I can't remember where I >> live!'

A funeral service is being held for a woman who >> has just passed away. At >> the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the >> casket out when >> they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. >> They hear a faint moan. >> They open the casket and find that the woman is actually >> alive! She lives >> for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony >> is held, and at the >> end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the >> casket. As they carry >> the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, >> 'Watch that wall!'

When the husband finally died his wife put the >> usual death notice in the >> paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were >> the papers >> delivered when a friend of the family phoned and >> complained bitterly, 'You know >> very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' >> > > >> > > Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and >> day so of course I know he >> died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for >> posterity to remember >> him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always >> was.' >> > >

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a >> restaurant one morning. >> Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she >> said, ''Mabel, do you >> know you've got a suppository in your left ear?' >> > > >> > > Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my >> ear?' >> > > >> > > She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she >> said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you >> saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing >> aid.'

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Saturday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Pea ch, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as rugby or cricket. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.' The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.' There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.' The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven. Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.' And what is that?' asked the priest. Should I tell her the war is over?

With the economy the way it is: Revised meaning of stock investment terms: CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A person whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past week investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Reminds me of when I was 19, smoking the wacky tabbacky and went to see the grateful dead for the first time.

Think before you speak... Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak . Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls' THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned , and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decide d to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' . I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an acc ident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM , IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

The Pastor's Ass The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she woul d have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the ad lines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day. The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

They walk among us... I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back ... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door. They Walk Among Us! One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'? They Walk Among Us! While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.' They Walk Among Us! My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. They Walk Among Us! I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?' They Walk Among Us! While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.' They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, and Worst of all ............ THEY VOTE

The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ..." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM . Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says "HEBREWS"

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........... so does she. (I figure this guy is on the side of a milk carton!)

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MID-LIFE CRISIS SOLVED After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 40 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. 'Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma big screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.' My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.