whitefang Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 A bunch of us were sitting around one day, and someone piped up and asked, "Since age 13, what's the oldest joke you can recall?" Mine was... A little boy was sitting on a curb with a small bottle of clear liquid. He was shaking it up, watching the bubbles and such when a priest walked by and asked, "What have you got in the bottle, son?" The boy replied, "Oh, Father, I have the most powerful liquid in the world in this bottle." "And what would that be?" asked the priest. "Turpentine". said the boy "Well, you're mistaken" said the priest, "The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. Why, do you know that if you rub some holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby boy?" "That's nuthin'", said the boy, "Rub some of this turpentine on a cat's ass, and he'll pass a MOTOR-SICKLE!" Your turn. Whitefang I started out with NOTHING...and I still have most of it left! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanmass Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 No offense... The Italian Tire, which my grandfather told me when I was 10... Dago tru wata Dago tru mud and when dago flat dago wop wop wop.... Of course I did not GET the joke until about 10 years later after watching a few gangster movies, and then, I was REALLY careful where I told it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phaeton Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 What does Adidas stand for? (kid from up the street pointing at his shoes) All Day I Dream About Sex. I was 5 or 6 at the time, and iirc i asked what sex was. He told me another joke around the same time too, but it's somewhat racial Dr. Seuss: The Original White Rapper . WWND? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AudioMaverick Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Famous last words of the early 1900s... The driver of a Ford "Model A", speaking to the passenger after the engine stopped working. "Hand me a match. I want to see if the gas tank is empty. "It's all about the... um-m-m, uh-h-h..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave The Rave Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magic wand? A. One's for cunning stunts and the other's for....hitting people over the head. Q. What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl? A. One shoots but can't hit and the other....has difficulty in going to the toilet. Q. What's the difference between a street vendor and a dog with no hind legs? A. One balls out his wares and the other....has difficulty in walking. :DTR Cambrian Guitars Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vortex Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Last time I heard that joke I fell off my dinosaur... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jode Posted January 11, 2005 Share Posted January 11, 2005 Oh no... ELEPHANT JOKES!?! How do you get an elephant up a tree? -- Climb the tree and make a noise like a peanut. How do you kill a blue elephant? -- With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a red elephant? -- Pinch his trunk shut until he turns blue and shoot him with a blue elephant gun. How do you carve a statue of an elephant? -- Get a block of stone, a hammer, and a chisel, and chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. (That last one is my philosophy as an arranger, BTW.) What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros? -- Elephino! (Hell if I know!) Little Johnny sat on the curb in front of his house with a big, shiny red apple. His neighbor saw the apple and said, "Hey, Johnny, that's a delicious looking apple you have there. I'll give you a quarter for it." Johnny said, "It's not for sale." The neighbor said, "I'll give you fifty cents for it." "Nope, it's not for sale." Intrigued, the neighbor pressed on. "A dollar?" "Nope." "Five dollars?" "Nope." "TEN dollars?" "Nope, it's not for sale." The puzzled neighbor said, "Johnny, what's so special about that apple that you won't even take ten bucks for it?" Johnny motioned over his shoulder to the driveway. "See that new Corvette in front of our house? My big sister got that for one little old cherry, so just think what I can trade for with this big pretty apple!" "I had to have something, and it wasn't there. I couldn't go down the street and buy it, so I built it." Les Paul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Sayers Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 a chinaman who claimed to have mastered english was asked to prove it by constructing a sentence using three colors. easy he said "green green, green green, pink up phone..yellow?" cheers john Studio Design Forum Studios Under Construction Home Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angelo Clematide Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said: "Can I speak to Buddy please?" Buddy's wife said, "I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up. A couple of hours later, he called her again. "Is Buddy there please?" "No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again. "Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said. She recognised his voice, and said: "Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone. Two minutes later, and the phone rang again... "Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked. Buddy's wife was furious. "I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!" He thought for a moment, and said: "I just love hearing you say it." -Peace, Love, and Potahhhhto Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
not Cereal Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 knock knock. . . . . . . whos there? . . . . . . orange Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nursers Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Why do ducks have webbed feet? - to stamp out bushfires. Why to elephants have big feet? To stamp out burning ducks. The Keyboard Chronicles Podcast Check out your fellow forumites in an Apple Music playlist Check out your fellow forumites in a Spotify playlist My Music: Stainless Fields Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitefang Posted January 12, 2005 Author Share Posted January 12, 2005 Hey, Jode! Know what my favorite elephant joke is? "What's grey and comes in QUARTS?" Whitefang I started out with NOTHING...and I still have most of it left! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bryson Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by whitefang: Hey, Jode! Know what my favorite elephant joke is? "What's grey and comes in QUARTS?" WhitefangWhat's grey on the inside and clear on the outside? An elephant in a Baggie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Sayers Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 why don't you go through the forest at night because the elephants jump out of the trees. why has the platypus got a flat tail? because it went through the forest at night. cheers john Studio Design Forum Studios Under Construction Home Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deanmass Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 What is the brown stuff between Elephants toes? Slow running natives... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave The Rave Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Why do elephants have wrinkly feet? To give the ants a 50/50 chance. Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled? Because if they were small white and round, they'd be aspirins. Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled? Have you every tried to iron one? Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees. Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No? The red toenails work then! What's the difference between an elephant and a mail box? Don't know? Remind me not to ask you to post my letters again! OK, I'll give the "1000 Jokes" book back to my kid now..... :DTR Cambrian Guitars Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Base Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I can't help wrapping myself in cellophane!!! Doctor: Well, I can clearly see your nuts. ------------------------ Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I can't help singing Delilah!! Doctor: Ah, a clear case of 'Tom Jones' syndrome! Patient: Is it very common? Doctor: It's not unusual. Fa Fa FA Fa fa fa fa fa FA fa FA FA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeep Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Q)- What is grey on the inside, and red, white & gold on the outside? A)- A can of Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gator Wing Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from geese. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sp3nc3r Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Gator Wing: How do you get down from an elephant? You don't, you get down from geese.I had to read that 4 times before it sunk in..... I can be very dense sometimes. Cheers! Spencer "I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Base Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Hey Spence, Yo avatars so big, it's got it's own post code Fa Fa FA Fa fa fa fa fa FA fa FA FA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sp3nc3r Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 WHOA!!! Hey, it didn't do that elsewhere!! I'll ditch it! "I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Base Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 It's cool, don't ditch it, just shrink it a tad!!!! Fa Fa FA Fa fa fa fa fa FA fa FA FA Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sp3nc3r Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Alright, back to the skull.... Cheers! Spencer "I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sp3nc3r Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Base: It's cool, don't ditch it, just shrink it a tad!!!! FUCK!!! "I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sp3nc3r Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Mm'kay.... let's see if that one works Excellent...we now return you to your regularly scheduled thread. Cheers! Spencer "I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 The oldest joke I can remember is you go up to a kid on the playground and say; "Have you got brains in your butt?" He says; "No" "DUMBASS!" Q Why do elephants eat peanuts? A They save the wrappers for valuable prizes. -David http://www.garageband.com/artist/MichaelangelosMuse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sp3nc3r Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 For someone who prides himself on having a very large sense of humour, I can't for the life of me remember any childhood jokes - and I've been trying for 2 days.... Cheers! Spencer "I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
not Cereal Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 here's the oldest one i can remember, circa 2nd grade or so. "can you spell mississippi with one eye?" uh, "misssspp" "dumby" (places one hand over left eye) "mississippi" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mats Olsson. Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Old jokes: -------- A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his wife an elbow and says, "May-Ling, how about a little 69. I'm in the mood for some 69." "Shut-up and go back to sleep," groans his wife. "Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so do you!" "What time is it?" "1:30." "You want meto get up at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?" ------------------------ ------------------------ The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld! ---------------------- http://www.lexam.net/peter/carnut/man.gif What do we want? Procrastination! When do we want it? Later! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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