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Old Jokes


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A bunch of us were sitting around one day, and someone piped up and asked, "Since age 13, what's the oldest joke you can recall?"

 

Mine was...

 

A little boy was sitting on a curb with a small bottle of clear liquid. He was shaking it up, watching the bubbles and such when a priest walked by and asked, "What have you got in the bottle, son?"

The boy replied, "Oh, Father, I have the most powerful liquid in the world in this bottle."

"And what would that be?" asked the priest.

"Turpentine". said the boy

"Well, you're mistaken" said the priest, "The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. Why, do you know that if you rub some holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a baby boy?"

"That's nuthin'", said the boy, "Rub some of this turpentine on a cat's ass, and he'll pass a MOTOR-SICKLE!"

 

Your turn.

 

Whitefang

I started out with NOTHING...and I still have most of it left!
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No offense...

 

The Italian Tire, which my grandfather told me when I was 10...

 

Dago tru wata

Dago tru mud

and when dago flat dago wop wop wop....

 

Of course I did not GET the joke until about 10 years later after watching a few gangster movies, and then, I was REALLY careful where I told it.

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What does Adidas stand for?

 

(kid from up the street pointing at his shoes)

 

All Day I Dream About Sex.

 

I was 5 or 6 at the time, and iirc i asked what sex was.

 

He told me another joke around the same time too, but it's somewhat racial :evil:

Dr. Seuss: The Original White Rapper

.

WWND?

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Q. What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon and a magic wand?

A. One's for cunning stunts and the other's for....hitting people over the head.

 

Q. What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

A. One shoots but can't hit and the other....has difficulty in going to the toilet.

 

Q. What's the difference between a street vendor and a dog with no hind legs?

A. One balls out his wares and the other....has difficulty in walking.

 

:DTR

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Oh no... ELEPHANT JOKES!?!

 

How do you get an elephant up a tree?

-- Climb the tree and make a noise like a peanut.

 

How do you kill a blue elephant?

-- With a blue elephant gun.

 

How do you kill a red elephant?

-- Pinch his trunk shut until he turns blue and shoot him with a blue elephant gun.

 

How do you carve a statue of an elephant?

-- Get a block of stone, a hammer, and a chisel, and chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.

 

(That last one is my philosophy as an arranger, BTW.)

 

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

-- Elephino! (Hell if I know!)

 

Little Johnny sat on the curb in front of his house with a big, shiny red apple. His neighbor saw the apple and said, "Hey, Johnny, that's a delicious looking apple you have there. I'll give you a quarter for it."

 

Johnny said, "It's not for sale."

 

The neighbor said, "I'll give you fifty cents for it."

 

"Nope, it's not for sale."

 

Intrigued, the neighbor pressed on. "A dollar?" "Nope." "Five dollars?" "Nope." "TEN dollars?" "Nope, it's not for sale."

 

The puzzled neighbor said, "Johnny, what's so special about that apple that you won't even take ten bucks for it?"

 

Johnny motioned over his shoulder to the driveway. "See that new Corvette in front of our house? My big sister got that for one little old cherry, so just think what I can trade for with this big pretty apple!" :eek:

"I had to have something, and it wasn't there. I couldn't go down the street and buy it, so I built it."

 

Les Paul

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A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died.

He didn't quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy's wife and said:

 

"Can I speak to Buddy please?"

 

Buddy's wife said,

"I'm sorry, Buddy passed away last week."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," he said, and hung up.

 

A couple of hours later, he called her again.

 

"Is Buddy there please?"

"No, I'm sorry. Buddy's no longer with us," said Buddy's wife. And hung up the phone.

 

Ten minuted later, he called Buddy's wife again.

 

"Can I speak to Buddy please?" he said.

She recognised his voice, and said:

"Look, I've told you before, BUDDY'S DEAD!" And slammed down the phone.

 

Two minutes later, and the phone rang again...

 

"Is Buddy at home please?" the horn player asked.

Buddy's wife was furious.

"I'm not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead.. D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy???!!!!"

He thought for a moment, and said:

"I just love hearing you say it."

-Peace, Love, and Potahhhhto
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Why do elephants have wrinkly feet?

To give the ants a 50/50 chance.

 

Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled?

Because if they were small white and round, they'd be aspirins.

 

Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled?

Have you every tried to iron one?

 

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

 

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

No? The red toenails work then!

 

What's the difference between an elephant and a mail box?

Don't know? Remind me not to ask you to post my letters again!

 

OK, I'll give the "1000 Jokes" book back to my kid now..... :)

 

:DTR

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Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I can't help wrapping myself in cellophane!!!

 

Doctor: Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

 

------------------------

 

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I can't help singing Delilah!!

 

Doctor: Ah, a clear case of 'Tom Jones' syndrome!

 

Patient: Is it very common?

 

Doctor: It's not unusual.

Fa Fa FA Fa fa fa fa fa FA fa FA FA
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Originally posted by Gator Wing:

How do you get down from an elephant?

 

You don't, you get down from geese.

I had to read that 4 times before it sunk in..... :rolleyes: I can be very dense sometimes.

 

Cheers!

Spencer

"I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!"
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For someone who prides himself on having a very large sense of humour, I can't for the life of me remember any childhood jokes - and I've been trying for 2 days.... :freak:

 

Cheers!

Spencer

"I prefer to beat my opponents the old-fashioned way....BRUTALLY!!!!"
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Old jokes:

 

--------

 

A Chinese couple is in bed one night, when the man gives his wife an elbow and says, "May-Ling, how about a little 69. I'm in the mood for some 69."

 

"Shut-up and go back to sleep," groans his wife.

 

"Come on, you know I like 69, and for that matter, so do you!"

 

"What time is it?" "1:30." "You want meto get up at this hour and make beef and broccoli for the two of us?"

 

------------------------

------------------------

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the"k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

 

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen ve vil tak over ze vorld!

 

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http://www.lexam.net/peter/carnut/man.gif

What do we want? Procrastination!

When do we want it? Later!

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