Slightly OT - Friendships and Collaboration

[BluMunk]

[apologies for what is essentially a long "dear diary" post, but this is something I'm having a really hard time with right now, and I imagine that in a room full of musicians there may have been similar experiences or thoughts].

For many/most of us, I assume that our music making is a collaborative art. Band mates, creative partners, arts organizations, venue management, technical teams, other musicians in 'the scene' ... being a musician can mean acquiring a whole community of folks who circle around the same venues, same types of music, or whatever.

If you're in it a long time you develop long relationships and friendships with folks who you would not have met if not for music. Whether or not this is something you do for big $$ or for peanuts or just for fun, these relationships can be complicated - part friendship, part family, part co-worker, part community. 

I recently signed on for a project being lead by a long-time friend and collaborator. We've worked on many musical endeavors over the last decade, have gone to shows together, were at each others' weddings, and otherwise have had a rewarding friendship. This is a zero-money project- something to work on for fun.

Some things have been going on for me that has made it hard to fulfill the commitment I made. And, I completely dropped the ball in many ways around communicating about it. Whatever the reasons, I absolutely let him down and failed to reach out in advance, and failed to respond to one or two "you're behind" messages.

I just got a nasty-gram letting me go from the project, with two paragraphs about how disrespectful I've been, and how he was stupid for ever trusting me, and did I know how my horrible behavior effected people?

I'm very shook up and upset by this for a few reasons. One, anxiety and mental health were part of the issues I've been dealing with, and having someone yell at you about how awful your anxiety-driven behavior makes you doesn't help. But, more importantly, this is a person I thought had compassion and care for me as an individual. Any number of the following would have felt appropriate:

• "Are you all right? I'm concerned- we've worked together a lot and this isn't like you. If I don't hear from you I'm going to have to replace you."
• "We really need to get this project moving forward. Since I haven't heard from you in a while, I'm going to find someone else."
• "Hey. I'm pretty upset that I haven't heard from you. I don't know what's going on with you right now, but we're going to find someone else to step in."

 

... but instead of even that last option, I get a diatribe asking if I understand the many ways in which my actions (failure to meet a deadline and a few un-returned messages) are hurtful to him personally, and how I made him look stupid for defending me (presumably in some conversations with other members of the project).

I responded to him and the rest of the group and apologized, explained a little about the anxiety/mental health issues in play, acknowledged that it's no excuse, and wished the best for the project. I haven't heard back from anyone.

This is the second time in my adult life where a low-stakes failure on my part has inspired another grown human to take the opportunity to froth about how useless I am. The first time it was from a stranger, and while it hurt, I figured I just dodged a bullet by not getting involved with an @$$hole. This time, it's someone I've been friends with for over a decade.

I don't know that this friendship is over... he's a much more angry guy than I am in general, but while he may extrapolate from this one experience that I am no longer reliable, I am feeling like if the first time I'm struggling in a way that affects our work he's turned on me, maybe the friendship isn't really there?

This experience just has me questioning all of my relationships founded in artistic collaboration. Are they all transactional? Do they only last as long as they're easy? Are they friendships of convenience? How do you find the real relationships? I've never been great at developing enduring friendships, and I'm terrified that the minute I stop being active in the music community I'll find that while folks might have found me pleasant to be around, there's not really any "there" there as far as friendship and dedication.



 

[cassdad]

Well - it’s a well-known fact that “dependability” is an absolutely critical personal trait necessary in life for most successes (in both business and social circles).  Dependability can even win out over / make up for a lack of technical skill or other short-comes.  IMO, there is little excuse for lack of it.  And certainly no worthy excuse to not give as much advance notice as possible if you cannot live up to your commitments.

 

Your friend did try the “nice” route by, as you explained, contacting you a couple of times (“you’re behind” messages) - which you blew them off and chose not to respond.  I’m sorry - but IMO, your behavior was inexcusable and wrong.  Just my opinion.

[JamPro]

Here's a thought: just as you have struggled in ways your friend is ignorant about, your friend may also have struggles you know nothing about.

 

There is a saying going around about how everyone we meet is involved in a great struggle, and too often we have no idea what others are going thru, and so it behooves us to be kind to each other.

 

In my experience, I can tell you I have avoided (or mitigated) lots of interpersonal trouble with three magic words "Yes, you're right" (OK 4 words).  When not offered as snark or with hostility, I have found these words to be helpful in smoothing over the bumps that come up on the road of friendship.

 

I also suggest it is very possible to continue a friendship even if you are not involved in a project with your friend.

 

I hope you can find some peace.

 

[CrossRhodes]

You've acknowledged that you dropped the ball and apologized to everyone involved. That's all you can do at this point. If you don't hear back from anyone then they aren't worth having in your life. You're only human so don't be too hard on yourself. Take the lesson learned from this and be honest with yourself and future collaborators about the time and commitment you can put in. None of us want to let others down but mental health struggles are no joke and you need to prioritize self care. Best of luck.

[Bill H.]

To me this is yet another example of what can happen because of communication through text and messaging these days. And it's happened to me too unfortunately. The whole thing could have been better resolved by actually talking to each other.

 

But honestly I take lack of response - whether personally or professionally - as rejection. And this appears to be a bit of both. So I can kind of understand the other guy lashing out at someone he thought of as a friend. 

 

As to whether friendships formed during music collaboration survive afterwards, I hate to say it but mine haven't withstood the test of time well. Gradually through the years we drift apart. I hope others have something more uplifting to say about it. 

 

 

[jarrell]

3 hours ago, BluMunk said:

But, more importantly, this is a person I thought had compassion and care for me as an individual. Any number of the following would have felt appropriate:

• "Are you all right? I'm concerned- we've worked together a lot and this isn't like you. If I don't hear from you I'm going to have to replace you."
• "We really need to get this project moving forward. Since I haven't heard from you in a while, I'm going to find someone else."
• "Hey. I'm pretty upset that I haven't heard from you. I don't know what's going on with you right now, but we're going to find someone else to step in."

 

... but instead of even that last option, I get a diatribe asking if I understand the many ways in which my actions (failure to meet a deadline and a few un-returned messages) are hurtful to him personally, and how I made him look stupid for defending me (presumably in some conversations with other members of the project).

 

Here is sounds like you expected more care and compassion from him, even after you didn't extend those feelings towards him, both hurting him and making him look stupid in the eye of others. I think focusing on his behavior is missing the point.

 

3 hours ago, BluMunk said:

This experience just has me questioning all of my relationships founded in artistic collaboration. Are they all transactional? Do they only last as long as they're easy? Are they friendships of convenience? How do you find the real relationships?

 

I don't think the take away from this situation is: was this relationship too transactional, or failed because it was not easy or convenient enough. Rather, it is that lack of communication causes problems, and ignoring people shows you don't care and can be hurtful. I realize that you had other issues that prevented you from fulfilling your commitments here, and sympathize with you in that it tough to deal with letting someone down as a result of one's own behavior. However, you clearly demonstrated to him that it was more important to you to not only not do the work but also not explain why. I think the most positive thing you can get for this is to learn that communication is key, and lack of communication always makes things worse.

[Old No7]

Some very helpful and objective observations were made above -- please re-read them.

Keep in mind his message to you was not an "action" -- but a "reaction" to your actions, or quite honestly the lack of them................

 

You need to accept that fact, but don't let it eat you alive, as we all make mistakes.  And don't overthink this -- as with all the other concerns or issues you have/have had, put this aside for a week or so.  Take some time...  Focus on some other things...  Heal well brother...
 

Then, if you decide you want to try to salvage the relationship...

TALK to him, IN person, say "I'M SORRY" and ASK for understanding and forgiveness -- but also acknowledge YOUR role in this unfortunate situation.

 

And keep in mind:

The biggest mistake in life is not falling down -- it is failing to get back up.

 

Wishing you well.  "Get back up" with him when you're ready.

 

Old No7

[Old No7]

After posting the above, I thought of this...

 

Maybe the 2nd-most biggest mistake in life is not miscommunicating -- it is failing to communicate at all.

 

Now get back up!

 

Old No7

[Stokely]

It's more appropriate to doing business with or working for friends, but I've learned the hard way--don't do it.   It changes the relationship, or easily can.

Collaboration on music is a bit different but even doing that caused a strain in one friendship, when one of us was WAY busier than the other, and put the project necessarily lower in priority than a few other things.   In my case, it was also a case of "annoying producer like Donald Fagen" from a friend when I'm more of a "let's go with that take" person.