Sharing rented gear - LONG READ : nightmare/rant

[tarkus]

Sharing is caring.

Sharing rented gear sometimes causes diplomatic tension between two or more keyboardists.

 

I play a lot of gigs in NYC using rental or borrowed gear.

 

Many times I've gotten the call same-day. E-mail me set-list and I'll fake it.

 

It is impractical (and expensive) for me to travel with my kb gear on work days. Weekends are another story.

 

If I have at least an hour to kill before the show, I'll familiarize myself with the rented gear.

 

This happened earlier in the year at Irving Plaza. However, I had to share the same rig with 3 other bands. No problem - I thought...

 

I arrived at the Irving an hour before sound-check. The union guys - the sound crew- were reluctant to give me stage volume to accomplish my needs. I asked for 'cans' - no can do!

They took a 'break' and told me that I could check when they were ready.

 

Ok - go back-stage and review some charts and cheat-sheets.

Within about 20 minutes, another kb player shows up.

Oddly enough, his wishes (same as mine) are met by the crew.

 

With an old Motif and a Kurz stage piano on the rig, he proceeds to run through a dozen or so settings.

 

Ok - I'll give him a few more minutes.

 

"Hi - I'm playing in the first band, I wanted to do this earlier. If no problem, could I write down some progs and banks for my set?" I asked nice enough.

 

So this guy starts giving me the "Music Store Demo" of the board.

 

"No - you don't understand - I need to get on the board. I'm unfamiliar with the rig." I asked.

 

He proceeds with the "music store demo" and starts asking me what kind of sounds I need and that "he should find" what I need.

 

I don't want to make trouble - "Ok - I need a hammond."

He then gives me two of his choices. I point out that they suck.

I find a distorted organ as I am forced to look over his shoulder.

 

Next - "I need a mono lead." He was baffled and insisted I use some cheezy 80's dx patch.

 

"I'll deal with it later." I said. He didn't let-up.

 

"I need a legato string patch." he was baffled again, but insisted on his choice and proceeded to play a 'dies ire' type of riff... but while he does this with his right hand, he flutters his left hand like he's conducting an imaginary string section!?!?

I look at him like he needs prozac. I ask for another string patch... AGAIN He conducts the invisible string section!?!?

 

"What are you doing?" I ask. He says he's checking out the strings.

 

I start laughing. He says that the strings don't sound funny, I say: "what's with the hand thingy? Bellevue is in midtown - they'll let you conduct all the invisible string sections there!"

 

That pissed him off. I was two seconds away from doing a Bill Lambier in the low post.

"Look - thanks for your help, and sorry for the conductor comment, I need to get on this board..."

 

With that, another keyboardist shows up and starts plugging in pedals and adjusting the stand to his height.

 

I'm 5'9" - this new guy is like 6'6"!!

 

"Hey buddy, I've been waiting here almost an hour putting up with Amadeus over here. I need to get on the boards!"

 

He gives me the look like (peasant) - puts me on the "pay no mind" list and begins his sound check.

 

Is that how we play? I was livid!

 

When the gawky tool finished his repoirtoire (yes - he played his entire set-list for sound check) he looks at me and says : "it's all yours..."

 

What a d-head!

 

I get on the board and the stage crew kills the sound!

 

What gives?

 

The stage guy says we're behind schedule and I have to clear off.

 

eff-you!

 

The rest of my band shows up. We're first on - so I assume we get a sound-check.

 

Wrong! The tall mother-effer tells the sound crew that his band needs the sound check. They comply.

 

-----

 

Show time:

 

We get no sound-check. We're frantic. The Irving is PACKED!

"You're on!" someone shouts.

 

I get behind the boards - the stage is so dark I can't see anything.

 

"Lurch" has the boards jacked up to his size.

 

I see the patch settings and on the fly get my sounds.

 

The Kurz piano is above my navel and the top board is at my collar bone.

 

In a quick dash I re-adjust the boards to some wacky tilt and height.

 

We play and execute our set.

 

I'm not done. The last song is Remedy by the Crowes: The singer points at me and says "KEYS!" as in "play a solo dummy!"

 

I unleash Hell on this rig! I got the spot light on me - Lurch and the "conductor" are peering through back stage.

I flip them both the BIRD! For the next few bars I pull out alll the friggin stops: Smears, windmills, jerry-lee's, machine guns, you name it.

 

If I had a sledge-hammer I would have used it!

 

The audience goes wild - I can't even hear what I'm playing since Lurch messed with the stage monitor.

 

When I finished, the Motif is stuck in strange panchromatic - it's wailing - like a 'death-moan'.

 

A quick patch change and it goes back to normal... so I thought.

 

I leave the back-stage and go meet my wife in the audience. She's like "You played possessed! That was incredible!"

 

More comments and back-pats from other folks.

 

Lurch's band comes on. They have an album or two out. He seems bewildered and proceeds to hold up the rest of his band as he re-adjusts the mess I made.

 

They begin, He hits the Motif... The Wailing Death Moan leeches from the PA!. Lurch has a look of terror on his face.

I felt like the Gremlin from Bugs Bunny: hehehehe-hehe-ha!

 

Someone hands me a beer and says: "you played great, but I don't know bout this guy..."

 

The moral of the story:

 

If you are sharing a rented rig - SHARE IT. Don't act like JOE MUSIC STORE EXPERT and Don't Pretend to be the Bastard child of Franz Lizt.

 

Sharing is caring.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[BluesKeys]

tarkus... man an I glad I don't have to put up with that crap. Sounds like you "made do" and left the sh@t heads drooling like fools. Amazing what anger can do for aggressive playing. Ans so much for that poor Motif and it's painful wail.

 

[tarkus]

I felt like Chaz Palmintieri in "A Bronx Tale".

 

I asked them nicely - even the crew guys.

 

"Now, yous can't leave!"

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

Cool story. All is well that ends well.

 

I had too many experiences like that to share gear anymore. No what the venue is, I now bring at least one of my boards along just in case the above happens. It's always nice to have a familiar crutch with you to get you through the tough spots.

 

[BluesKeys]

MLC... I ALWAYS bring my Roland VK8m organ module and will likely bring my GEM piano module in the future as well.

[Dana.]

Who were the other two bands?

[Chris Link]

Sharing is caring.

If I had a sledge-hammer I would have used it!

 

 

Too bad you couldn't, you know, accidentally bust a key or two with your wild solo, say the F and G above middle C. What a couple of d*#%heads!

[marino]

Ha. Nice story, Tarkus.

I think you acted much too nicely with those jerks... sharing is sharing, one either does it or he doesn't.

I would have caught fire *much* before, and not in a "musical" way.

You should be proud of your steady nerves.

[Steve Force]

Lurch! ROTFLMAO!!

[MusicWorkz]

That's screwed up. Good for you though!!!

[jeffincltnc]

Great story and I can feel your pain!!

 

I don't know if I have a chip on my shoulder as a keyboardist, by I kind of resent the whole concept of "sharing gear" being forced upon us.

 

Nobody will tell a guitarist or bass player they have to share their axe with someone else.

 

Personally, I have found myself frustrated with my local blues scene that if I go out and bring my premium gear with me to get together with some good players, and I bring maybe six or seven thousand dollars worth of stuff, I am somehow "OBLIGATED" to let anyone who wants to sit in on my stuff do so or provide a rig for others.

 

I remember I was playing at a "Women of the Blues" show with the house band for a charity fundraiser and backing up an assortment of lady vocalists. I was supposed to be the house keyboardist and brought all my nice toys... then the organizer says "so and so wants to play a little" and some of these people I don't really know... and we got into an arguement.

 

When I told him I brought some premium gear he actually said "don't you just have a BEATER KEYBOARD that they can use?"

 

The kicker for me was when some woman with 8 big rings on her fingers goes up during my break time without asking and is running palm smears and glisses up and down my keyboard and scratched my keys up... and never even asked.

 

So... now I just have a firm rule that nobody I don't know plays my stuff... I don't share nicely anymore, I guess.

[tarkus]

Who were the other two bands?

 

I won't tell.

 

 

[Dana.]

Damn, I was so ready to throw tomatoes.

[meccajay]

Hey tarkus, nice Hulk-out!!

[Calumet]

I gotta say, though, its probably worse for drummers. There are probably way fewer sledgehammer fisted keyboardists than there are hammer fisted drummers.

[tarkus]

I have Ham-Hands.

 

...mmmm... ham...

 

I get to "repeat the experience" tonight at the Bitter End.

 

Oh Joy!

 

I'll be playing bass tonight and I was just informed that they have a bass cabinet with no head!

 

[ITGITC]

"don't you just have a BEATER KEYBOARD that they can use?"

 

 

 

(Pleasant) words escape me.

 

If my medication should kick in later today, I'll try to remember to come back and post my feelings about this.

 

...

 

Nevermind. I might be DEAD later today and this can't wait... F*CKIN MACK TRUCKS.

 

 

 

 

Bastids. Some people just don't get it.

 

Define "BEATER KEYBOARD". Does he want you to haul (no, SCHLEP - See the SCHLEP THREAD) an old out-of-tune upright on stage just so the ingrates can sit in? The ungratefull little TWIT.

 

Look, guitarists and bassists can walk off the stage with their axe across their shoulder. We can't.

 

Little GNOMES that walk on stage like they own the place and wanna sit in. What. They have no skin in the game. They're not the ones who had to haul this stuff from the car and when the whole thing's over have to haul it back again. (See the SCHLEP THREAD, dammit.)

 

These people can kiss my rosie red (and widening every day)... posterior.

 

It's the flashy lights and the orange display that attracts 'em... like gnats. Pests that they are.

 

And just WHERE have those hands been? DIDJA WASH YER HANDS ya BEOTCH? People don't wash their hands anymore and all over the news are stories about MEGA-GERMS and STAPH INFECTIONS.

 

And take off those damn RINGS. What's wit that? A ring on every finger? What about your nasty TOES? I'm just CERTAIN that's where you keep yer STAPH GERMS, ya SLUT! I'll bet you got that TOE JAM thing going on... Gonna TARNISH those TOE RINGS, ya UGLY, GOD-FORSAKEN, NO-TALENT, DIAPER-WEARING, SLOB.

 

For CRYIN' OUT LOUD, CONSIDERATION has gone out the f***ing door.

 

So to all of you forumites who have let me sit down, or stand up, and play your keyboard rigs... if I didn't thank you then, I'm thanking you now....

 

LearJeff - who lends his boards to the blues jam in Durham, BluesKeys who has a nice grand piano in his living room (among all the other sh**, er, equipment stored there), all the guys at the Richmond (THAT'S RICHMOND) jam - THANK YOU, THANK YOU for hauling your toys and allowing a bunch of drunks to drool all over them. (Except for SK who doesn't drink.) (I'm certain we all washed our hands because we also ate lunch there. Of course, if I got a little Grey Poupon on yer percussion switch, I apologize for that, Markyboard.)

 

Beater keyboard. WTF?

 

Ummmmmmm, HAVE A NICE DAY.

 

 

 

[Blue JC]

 

The kicker for me was when some woman with 8 big rings on her fingers goes up during my break time without asking and is running palm smears and glisses up and down my keyboard and scratched my keys up... and never even asked.

 

That made my skin crawl when I read that and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

[Garrafon]

he actually said "don't you just have a BEATER KEYBOARD that they can use?"

 

Next time he asks, offer up one of these:

 

http://img.nextdaypc.com/products/large/2844191.gif

[tarkus]

It's the flashy lights and the orange display that attracts 'em... like gnats. Pests that they are.

 

I think I've found a "signature"?