ITGITC

Izzit FRIDAY yet? Why yes. Yes it is. Romance in the morning This morning, when I woke up she was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in she turned to me and softly said, "You've GOT to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is starting out to be a very, very good day." Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove with her T-shirt still up around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "Not that I'm complaining but what was that all about?" Looking back over her shoulder she smiled sweetly and said, "The egg timer's broken." Have a great weekend... ya Lemonhead Aliens! Tom http://resources1.news.com.au/images/2009/08/17/1225762/893793-dtstory-lemonhead.jpg Do Not Klonk!

----------------------------- An Italian MaMa Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear MaMa, I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read: Dear son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Your Loving MaMa Moral: Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

damn

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM 1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines. 4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Bubba, Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. Cooter

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think." The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?" The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

This one is dedicated to Joe Muskapoopee: THINGS I LEARNED LIVING IN TEXAS ... A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas . There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas , plus a couple no one's seen before. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha, (and as far as I'm concerned, that goes for those little gecko creatures on the front porch and by the outdoor water faucet.) Onced and Twiced are words. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy! Jawl-P? means, Did you all go to the bathroom? People actually grow, eat and like okra. 'Fixinto' is one word. It means I'm going to do that. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as the Wine of Texas . Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you. The word 'jeet' is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?' You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em. Ya'll is singular. All ya'll is plural. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal. You carry jumper cables in your car - for your OWN car. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, mustard, Tabasco and ketchup. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local high school sports, the motor sports, and gossip. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday. You know what a hissy fit is and you don't have em, you pitch em Fried catfish is the other white meat. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!! You understand these jokes and forward them to your Texas friends and those who just wish they were from TEXAS .

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location. The DEA officer verbally explodes. "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means that I am allowed to go wherever I wish. On any land. No questions asked. No answers given. Have I made myself clear old man?" The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and quickly looks up to see the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's huge Santa Gertrudis Bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems very likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs... "Your badge... Show him your badge!!" http://www.sundownpastoral.com.au/images/salor_bull1.jpg

THE MAN RULES Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side... now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. (FIRST & FOREMOST RULE) 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports or news, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1.. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Captain Cook did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Cars. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

A Touching Christmas Story A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon when the wife realized that her husband, Lester, had disappeared. The somewhat irate spouse called her mates cell phone and demanded, "Lester, where are you?" In his sweetest voice, he replied, "Darling do you remember sometime back when we were here at the mall and stopped in that little jewelry shop where you saw the beautiful diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money at the time but promised that one day it would be yours?" Wife, with a smile blushing, "Yes, I remember that, my love." Lester replied, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to that shop." Lester received only coal and switches that Christmas. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_Vowb-7R7NDA/TRGLaQjmZGI/AAAAAAAAANs/Vm8_0SUbZcE/S748/loldogs-funny-dog-pictures-sorry-to-inform-you.jpg

This. I feel certain that, with all the comments you've received, you know that we appreciate the skills, Dave. My wife tunes me out when I talk about topics such as this. And that's OK. I certainly understand. So, keep posting! This is the kind of stuff we live for. Tom

Meh... Photoshop Really. I'm cynical, skeptical, and feelin' kinda rude... but you need a few more posts under your belt to convince me that it's real. Who do you work for? What's your agenda? HA! Nice work, Moe. Tom

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?' She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.' 'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?' 'We use it for sex.' The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?' The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all ... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.' Happy Friday! Tom

HOW TO START A FIGHT I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _______________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. ______________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's nearly perfect." And then the fight started........ _______________________________

At a wine merchant's business, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat , three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable. "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass.... "It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.." "Correct." A third glass... ''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

It was pretty hot here this week in my little Southern slice of heaven... but I can't complain. Here's a report I received today from a USAF friend of mine in Texas... A buddy out of Longview Texas said he killed a mosquito that was carrying a canteen. A man in Dime Box Texas said the chicken farmers were giving the chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs. In Lake Palestine Texas they caught a 20 lb catfish that had ticks on it. Just this week, in Bryan Texas, a fire hydrant was seen bribing a dog. It's so dry in Texas that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water. (Now THAT's dry!) Hey Joe Mosquatito... how 'bout a beer... Pahtnah? (and where you goin' witdat gun in yer hand?) Tom

OK. I take back all that stuff I listed in ProfD's post about getting his mojo back. This is reason enough to keep playing music - even if you've gotta fake that mojo-thing.

Ummmmm, Les? Iz there something you're not telling us? Abstaining does not make you a pervert. It may make you thirsty though.

Now THAT'S funny.

This just in from a friend of mine in the US armed forces: ============= Augusta, GA* *Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.* *Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.* *After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment. The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw...injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.* Now that was a well written Police report. ====================

Posted in the early hours of the morning by a muso pro I know and respect. Advice from guys like Jim is invaluable, as he gigs about 400 days/year. Lots of good advice here from everyone. You guys RAWK. Tom

What's your budget? A real Hammond doesn't have to weigh very much. What about the XK-3c? I'd choose it over the Triton Extreme.

I drive a Honda Odyssey. My SKB case with a Kurzweil PC2X fits nicely between the mid seats (Captain's Chairs). It doesn't lay flat, of course. It's on its side. Luckily, all my other gear fits inside too. If that didn't work, I'd have to use the POD (carrier that rides on top of the vehicle). But driving up to a gig with a pod on top of your vehicle would NOT be cool.

<<< See previous page. Unfortunately the picture link in your previous post is broken. At least it is in my browser. http://www.lincah.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/2009-skoda-octavia-combi-rear-side-picture-800x600.jpg http://www.lincah.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/2009-skoda-octavia-combi-rear-side-picture-800x600.jpg

Nord Electro 3 HP has 73 weighted keys. It should be available very soon. Yamaha S70 XS has 76 weighted keys. It's available now. I live in the Southern United States... Trust me, you have no reason to apologize for your English. Good luck! Tom

It's Hell to be Old OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'