ITGITC

HOW TO PEE POLITELY During one of her daily classes a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite." What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" In his best Jack Nicholson persona, Little Johnny stood up beside his desk and said, "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'" (The teacher fainted to the floor...) (I luvs Li'l Johnny jokes.)

Ouch, BluesKeys.

A (female) coworker sent me this... WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. ! Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for t he slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

Boudreaux left the bayou and moved to Arkansas where he bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died last night." "Well den" said Boudreaux, " jus' give my money back, yeah. " "I can't do that Sir, I went and spent it already." "OK, den. Jus' unload dat donkey." "What are you gonna do with him?" "I'm gon-to raffle him off." "You can't raffle a dead donkey, you dumb Cajun!" "Well dats where you wrong! You wait an' you learn how smart we Cajuns are!" A month later the farmer ran into the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" He said, "I raffled dat donkey off like I said I was gonna do... Sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made $998." "Didn't anyone complain?" "Just dat guy who won 'im." "So I gave him his two dollars back."

So many of YOU guys are old as dirt. I thought this was appropriate... I laughed out loud at the last one because that's exactly what I was thinking when I woke up this morning. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!

My Dad is 92 years old and in good humor. Do you think I should pass this along to him?

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/Monica.JPG

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars; and fifty dollars is fifty dollars." The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars." Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

Why I don't drink any more... Of course, I don't drink any less, either. This video is work safe. Klonk Here

Great! Then I hope you'll like this, Mr. Marino... MY LIVING WILL Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer. ...She's such a bitch.

Top Ten Thoughts For 2008 Number 10. Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6. Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3. Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30? Number 2. In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world Is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008: 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'.

Most excellent. I thank you for the thorough explanation. Tom

OK. I'm from the Southeastern part of the U.S., and I know about slop jars. http://freepages.genealogy.rootsweb.com/~elkridge/slop%20jar%201%20(2).JPG But this is absolutely beyond me. I've never heard of night-soil carts or those who collect cans of human waste from each home. We have septic tanks. There are companies who will come by, pump them out, and carry the waste away. Is this sorta/kinda the same thing. And, what's a "stock-take"? Sorry for my ignorance. I need to travel out of the country more. (Does Canada count?)

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/Richie.jpg This is Richie. He's our drummer from NYC. Mike, our guitarist, just sent over this picture. I guess this is Christmas at Richie's house.

THE IRISHMAN AND THE MORMON A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Essays Every year, English teachers from across the USA submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners. 1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. 2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. 3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. 4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. 5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. 6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree. 8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine. 9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. 10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup . 11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30 12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze. 13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. 14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. 15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. 16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River . 18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. 19. Shots rang out, as shots are prone to do. 20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. 21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. 22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. 23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. 25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Naaaah. There will be no Mac vs. PC debate on this forum. That would only happen if the Mac stole the PC's gigs just to play for exposure.

After going through a virus attack, losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing a firewall, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems. I have finally fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to. http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/bud.jpg

Gangsu is sneaky that way. You think she's a mild-mannered piano teacher who participates in the music program at her local church on Sundays. Then, when your head is turned, she slips a but-guster in on ya... just like this one. Go figure. Yeah.

Subject: REAL NEWSPAPER ADS FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... Been out a while. Better be a reward. COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie. AND THE BEST ONE : FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything. =========================================

http://www.tlhenry.com/photos/beer.jpg

Now THAT'S funny.

Ya know things are really getting bad when The Humor Thread is NINE PAGES back. OK, to remedy that, here's a good Blonde Joke. ===================== A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long plane flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines & tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, & if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, & if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention & to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar note & hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs & comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search the Internet. He uses the Air-Phone; he searches national libraries. He sends e-mails to all of the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde & hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up & asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs & comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep. ===================== AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ummmmmm, Happy Friday ya sheep-lovin' HEATHENS. Yeah... I said it.

MAD MAX on HALLOWEEN If you've ever listened to John Boy and Billy's morning radio show, you might appreciate this audio clip.