ITGITC

Woo-Hoo! A fresh Blonde joke sent to me from (you guessed it) a BLONDE. ========================== Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Helloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument. ================================== Is There Gas In The Car?

I get the picture. I don't think I'll post it though.

Dammit. I hate when that happens. (And it's happened to me once too often.) OK, first prize was going to go to da Root for THIS: Last weekend I got "Will you walk me out to my car? *wink*" Simply because it put an evil, twisted little smile-type expression on my face. But then I read this from Blue JC: I walked out of there with ten C-notes, a great story and very satisfied (if displaced) customers. Now THAT'S very cool. Is There Gas In The Car?

An email sent to me by... a guitarist. INTERNATIONAL RULES OF MANHOOD 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is ok for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts rebuttoning her blouse. c. After wrecking your boss' car. d. When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos, Ever! Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever! We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below. GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion. International Council of Manhood =================================

If there wasn't some truth to it, that joke wouldn't be funny. Unfortunately, that joke is funny.

OH YEAH? Let's see some of YOUR baby pictures, Steve. We have department meetings at the first of the year. Unfortunately, my manager is always on the lookout for fodder to amuse the crowd. So he combined the head shot with pictures of two guys and their wives in our group who recently had babies. It was scary then - it's still scary today. But it can't come close to the Photoshop work that Trill did. That's classic. And folks, my stomach is not quite that big. I've even been working out with 12 ounce weights. They're manufactured by an outfit that's new to the physical phitness industry. I'd tell you the name, but I scratched the label off. All I know is that it starts with BUDWEIS... don't know the rest.

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake".

OK, OK... since everybody seemed to enjoy Trill's little Photoshop trickery he played on me earlier in the week, here's another shot of me when I was just a baby. This, and the other one, were crafted by none other than my MANAGER. (I've got a great manager.) CLONK HERE

CLONK HERE FOR FAR SIDE

Senior Citizen and the State Trooper A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing. "He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper... I thought you were bringing her back". "Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

OMG I sent it to the band.

Kinky

Still makes for fun and controversial reading. HE SAID IT ALRIGHT!... or my name's not Bob.

Trunk Monkey CLONK HERE FOR THE VIDEO

Hey Old-Fart-Jim-the-Swede! I'm right there witya. I hate throwing out good magazines that provide the kind of information that Polyphony had. I learned a lot from those mags. I think that you would be surprised to find that many of us on the forums subscribed to Polyphony Magazine and built kits from PAiA Electronics. It was a great introduction to electronic theory and kit-building. I finally got rid of my PC Magazines and, sadly, my collection of MIX Magazines. However, I couldn't toss my Keyboard or Electronic Musician mags. I hope to find a kid who would treasure them, like I did... and read them cover-to-cover. But, I kinda doubt that's going to happen.

Welcome Ravena.

Botch, you have to specify "Chicago - The Band" when you do that Google search. BTW, Chicago came to Raleigh last Friday night. My wife and I were given tickets to go see/hear them. It was raining, but we had seats - but they were NOT under the shelter. So right before the concert this big butch woman who worked for the venue DEMANDED that I put down the umbrella (so those folks sitting on the lawn - in the rain- could see). Well, I didn't like her smart ass attitude, so I DEMANDED that she help me find some seats that were closer to the band and out of the rain. (I'm really a pretty even-tempered guy most of the time. This woman could have been a LOT nicer about 1.offering me an alternative seat before she 2. demanded that I close the umbrella!) Anyway, we found better seats under the shelter. Needless to say, the audience was full of over forty, drunk, fat, white people. I wish it wasn't true, but that's pretty much the gist of it. Pretty sad that these are my contemporaries. I think we ALL should sue McDonald's, Budweiser, and Jim Beam for making us this way! Anyway, they've got maybe 2 or 3 of the original guys left, including Robert Lamm. The rest of the band is made up of younger guys (mostly) who did a credible job of covering the material - almost. The guy who played sax also doubled on flute for Color My World. As you recall, there's a definite flute solo that EVERYBODY remembers note for note. NOT THIS GUY!! He got through it until the very end and then had a brain fart! Poor guy couldn't remember how the rest of the solo went. I really felt sorry for him, to tell you the truth! I WILL say that he came back and did some sax work that was incredible! He was nobody's pretty thing, and he messed up the most important solo of the night (IMO), but he redeemed himself with his sax parts throughout the rest of the concert. All in all, it was really a good event. When I was in high school I collected most of their albums and thought they were great. They duplicated many of the more popular tunes on those albums. And this concert, as opposed to the one I attended in 1974 in Charlotte was soulfull. When they were in Charlotte, they were at the top of the charts and their snotty attitude just ruined the show for me. Yeah, they've been around, and they are old - but so am I. It was a good show. It brought back a lot of memories & I'm glad we were there. Gas