Bass Violations & Musical Offenses

[lrossmusic]

Bass Violations & Musical Offenses:

 

1. Playing loudly during warm up $10

 

2. Sound-checking amp with funk $25

 

3. Loud cursing after mistake $10

 

4. Playing high and fast after mistake $20

 

5. Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20

 

6. Asking for "E" tuning note $25

 

7. Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50

 

8. Playing written-out walking line $175

 

9. Failure to play written walking line $75

 

10. Writing note names over ledger line notes $50

 

11. Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50

 

12. Playing eighth notes $5 each

 

13. Playing sixteenth notes $10 each

 

14. Playing above 1st octave; Immediate dismissal

 

15. Dragging fast tempo $75

 

16. Dragging ballad tempo $150 or Immediate dismissal

 

17. Blacking out during ballad $200

 

18. Ignoring drummer's tempo $100

 

19. Following drummer's tempo $250

 

20. Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1,000

 

 

 

Upright Players:

 

1. Showing up before first downbeat $25

 

2. Playing audibly $25

 

3. Faking changes $25

 

4. Slapping $150

 

5. Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25

 

6. Excessive sweating $25

 

7. Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50

 

8. Asking leader for a solo $30

 

9. Accepting solo when offered $50

 

10.Taking second chorus $100

 

11. Playing solo arco $4,000

 

12. Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100

 

13. Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200

 

14. Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500.

 

15.Telling everyone on the gig the amount of your latest repair bill $500

 

 

 

For Electric Players:

 

1. Checking or combing hair between tunes $15

 

2. Experimenting with odd meters $25

 

3. Missing root at end of blistering fill $25

 

4. Playing with a pick $50,000

 

5. Tuning during ballad $30

 

6. Playing Jaco groove on samba $75

 

7. Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150

 

8. Attempting last word on final chord $50

 

9. Achieving last word on final chord $100

 

10. Long gliss down to final note $200

 

 

 

Equipment Violations Electric:

 

1. Forgetting strap $10

 

2. Changing strings after every set $15

 

3. Using electric tuner $15

 

4. Setting up mic "just in case" $75

 

5. Forgetting to turn amp on $40

 

6. Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50

 

7. Asking horn player for help moving amp $25

 

8. Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4

 

9. Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass

 

10. Skull decals on bass $150

 

11. Bringing fretless bass $500

 

 

 

Criminal Bad Taste:

 

1. Telling bone player about all the gigs you get: $10

 

2. Asking bone player about their day gig: $10

 

3. Sitting behind drums on break: $10

 

4. Quoting "Birdland" $25

 

5. Practicing scales during break $25

 

6. Practicing scales during drum solo $50

 

7. Practicing $150

 

8. Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player." $50

 

9. Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100

 

 

 

Basic Stupidity:

 

1. Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $100

 

2. Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20

 

3. Asking when the rock set starts $20

 

4. Continually asking, "where are we?" $250

 

5. Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25

 

6. Asking bone player where "1" is $500

 

7. Taking cell phone call during 4's $100

[LithoJazzoSphere]

Amusing, though a player who never did any of those would be extremely boring. (bass used to be my main instrument for 2 years)

[Dave Horne]

Can we expand this to include drummers?

 

I've worked jobs with drummers who were so loud I stopped playing to see how long it would take before they would notice that there was no keyboard. That's gotta be a $25 fine, right?

[lrossmusic]

Originally posted by Dave Horne:

Can we expand this to include drummers?

 

I've worked jobs with drummers who were so loud I stopped playing to see how long it would take before they would notice that there was no keyboard. That's gotta be a $25 fine, right?

How long did it take? I'd say a $100 fine if it took more than a couple bars. $1000 for a whole chorus. Of course, as an excuse, they would probably say they thought you were giving them an impromptu solo.

 

What about guys who play too much sh&^ all the time? A whole lot of unnecessary rolls or whatever. I call them groove killers and the fine should be at least $50 per infraction.

[Fulc]

Originally posted by Dave Horne:

Can we expand this to include drummers?

Why sure Dave.

 

> Drummer Fines

> Setup / Equipment Offenses:

> [1] Brings a 36" bass drum...................................$25.

> [2] Has more than one bass drum..............................$100.

> [3] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid backbeat) ..........$50.

> [4] Brings more than 2 mounted toms..........................$25.

> [5] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms .$50.

> [6] Brings more than one floor tom...........................$25.

> [7] Brings more than one crash cymbal .......................$25.

> [8] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal..............................$250.

> [9] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)..............$75.

> [10] Brings two timpani (for really big endings).............$100.

> [11] Doesn't bring any brushes...............................$300.

> [12] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut........................$250.

> [13] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones ........$200.

> [14] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig................$50.

> [15] Tunes snare drum during the benediction.................$175.

> Playing Offenses:

> [1] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust"........$150.

> [2] Pretends to read chart with big band.....................$25.

> [3] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note)....$200.

> [4] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday".....$100.

> [5] Plays disco beat on "A Train"............................$200.

> [6] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake".................$100.

> [7] Takes a break when there's a request for "Take 5"........$25.

> [8] Actually tries to play on "Take 5".......................$150.

> [9] Asks leader what brushes are.............................$250.

> [10] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks......................$50.

> [11] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani.......................$100.

> [12] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong..................$250

> Other Miscellaneous Offenses:

> [1] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future"...$100.

> [2] Is first in line at the party's buffet...................$50.

> [3] Asks where the "go away bags" are at the buffet line.....$100.

> [4] Is ten minutes late for the next set.....................$25.

> [5] Is twenty minutes late for the next set..................$10.

> [6] Never shows up for the next set..........................$1.

[Botch.]

Lincoln, you're harder on bass players than Fripp is on drummers. ROTFLMAO!

[LithoJazzoSphere]

Some good stuff, but for the first few, I doubt most of us would mind if we had a Mike Portnoy, Neil Peart, Terry Bozzio, etc., as long as they had their own roadies to set up the gear on time.

[lrossmusic]

Originally posted by Botch.:

Lincoln, you're harder on bass players than Fripp is on drummers. ROTFLMAO!

Don't mean to be picking on bass players really but I did have one not too long ago who stopped playing in the middle of a tune to answer his cell phone. No kidding.

 

P.S. OT

 

Hey Botch I got a good joke for you but it's kind of nasty.

 

A piano player is playing solo in a cocktail bar when a talent scout comes in. The last tune of the set is so beautiful that after that tune the talent scout says to him:

 

"I want to offer you a contract at our record label."

 

"Great!"

 

"What is the title of that last tune? It's so beautiful!"

 

"It's called, sit on my face and tell me that you love me."

 

"No, no, no, that title won't do but please play some more."

 

The pianist does his second set and after that one the guy from the record label goes to him again:

 

"What was the title of that last tune? It was unbelievable!"

 

"It's called, if you suck my soul, I will lick your funky emotions."

 

"Well, you get the deal, but you have to change your titles."

 

Whoppi, lets party!

 

The pianist starts drinking like hell to celebrate and when he's completely drunk he has to go to the toilet. But drunk as he is, he forgets to get decent after what he had to do and returns to the bar. A shy, old lady goes to him:

 

"Ahum sir, do you know your dick is hanging out of your pants?"

 

Pianist: "Know it? Hell I wrote it!"

[marino]

I love this one:

 

A lady walks into a pet store. She's casually looking around when she hears this beautiful singing. She follows the beautiful music and comes upon a cage with two birds in it. In the front of the cage is the prettiest bird she's ever seen, and the melodies it's singing are the most glorious and wonderful she's ever heard.

 

A sign reads, "One-thousand dollars for the pair."

 

The lady looks deeper into the cage and way in the back corner she sees this other bird covered with broken, discolored feathers. It's head is down, he's shaking a little, and he's weaving left to right as if in a stupor. It's a pathetic sight.

 

The clerk comes over and the woman asks, "How much for just the songbird?"

 

The clerk says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy the pair."

 

The woman says, "But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed and he's hanging his head and weaving back and forth like he's drunk; while this bird is so pretty and happy and its melodies are so beautiful. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"

 

And the clerk says, "He's the composer."

[lrossmusic]

Thanks Marino that's funny!!!

[Botch.]

[JimmyJimJim]

Brilliant

[dementia13]

I'm glad I don't work with any of you guys. Y'all are just too damn picky. And for all that, the following things are still legal:

1. Falling asleep mid-tune

2. Reading (books/magazines) during rehearsal

3. Watching sports/porn on the bar TVs during set

[Darcity]

Good one Marino!!!

[coyote]

It's even worse when that guy can't keep time very well to begin with.

Originally posted by lrossmusic:

What about guys who play too much sh&^ all the time? A whole lot of unnecessary rolls or whatever. I call them groove killers and the fine should be at least $50 per infraction.

A bud of mine is doing a favor, and sitting in for a 5-song (2 easy covers, 3 not-too-complex originals) minigig this Saturday (the original drummer got sick, and I couldn't get any of the real good players I know on such short notice). I can't really complain to him cuz he might bail out if I call too much attention to his shortcomings, so I'm venting here.... he has enough trouble keeping time without rushing the relaxed stuff or lagging the uptempos. Wouldn't you know, he's insisting on interpreting the songs! And yeah, every addition he makes turns out to be subtraction; it just kills the groove.

 

What amazes me is the guy has played for over 30 years, he's played with many players in many contexts on multiple intruments, and has multiple family members that have attended prestigious music schools. You'd think he'd be able to add some cymbal swells (his interpretation, not my direction) without losing time on the hihat. You'd think he'd be able to come out of a 1-measure rest without being 25% faster than before that measure. But he's had timing issues for those entire 30+ years! Ah well.... now that I've vented I guess I'll go back to being thankful that he stepped up to play the mini-gig.

[lrossmusic]

Originally posted by coyote:

......I guess I'll go back to being thankful that he stepped up to play the mini-gig.

That's right and hope for the best. I really do feel though that drummers have the greatest potential to destroy a groove more so than any other bandmember. No matter how great everyone else sounds if the drummer not on it, oh well... it just takes a little kerosine to mess up a whole lot of soup.

[DJDM]

Originally posted by marino:

I love this one:

 

A lady walks into a pet store. She's casually looking around when she hears this beautiful singing. She follows the beautiful music and comes upon a cage with two birds in it. In the front of the cage is the prettiest bird she's ever seen, and the melodies it's singing are the most glorious and wonderful she's ever heard.

 

A sign reads, "One-thousand dollars for the pair."

 

The lady looks deeper into the cage and way in the back corner she sees this other bird covered with broken, discolored feathers. It's head is down, he's shaking a little, and he's weaving left to right as if in a stupor. It's a pathetic sight.

 

The clerk comes over and the woman asks, "How much for just the songbird?"

 

The clerk says, "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy the pair."

 

The woman says, "But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed and he's hanging his head and weaving back and forth like he's drunk; while this bird is so pretty and happy and its melodies are so beautiful. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"

 

And the clerk says, "He's the composer."

Love it. Thanks Marino.

[BluesKeys]

I'll never forget seeing BB King years ago and his alto player is chewing gum. BB turns around during the tune and catches him. You see this Quick Gulp and scared look from the sax man. I bet it cost him $100. Rules is Rules.

[area51recording]

I used to play w/a bass player who in the middle of a tune would hit a note, real LOUD- B-W-A-A-N-G! and bend down to change the eq on his amp, check his tuner, whatever and then stand back up and continue to play the song as if nothing were amiss. This dork also insisted on fiddling w/the PA incessantly, even though he was told on several occasions to leave the damn thing to the sound guy. He would walk over on every break and start twiddling knobs. Eventually of course....he gone. Of course this isn't specific to his being a bass player as I'm sure he would have been just as much of a dumbass if he played zither or kazoo.

[rylos]

6. Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50

That's my kind of amp: One so heavy it takes more than one trip to carry it in!

[Dave Horne]

What is it with drummers? I used a drummer recently on a high profile corporate job and I told him several times, just play time, play softly and if you play a fill make sure there's a reason for it. I realize how severe this sounds, but I wanted to get through to him that this was a _piano_ trio and not a drum trio. Well, he played softly and continued to build a house behind me.

 

I have come to the conclusion that this issue is genetically based and the poor bastards are doomed from birth.

 

I've worked with another drummer, an older guy, who smiles all the time and makes eye contact with the audience but unfortunately there's a disconnect between his ears and the music. One of the best drummers I've worked with was a guitar player - he had no drum technique and was thus not able to fill. He played great time and actually listened to the rest of the group. Sadly he lives in the US. The quest for a tasteful drummer continues.

[Dave Pierce]

Originally posted by Dave Horne:

Can we expand this to include drummers?

 

I've worked jobs with drummers who were so loud I stopped playing to see how long it would take before they would notice that there was no keyboard. That's gotta be a $25 fine, right?

You've hit on my pet peeve with this one, Dave. Because of the weird gigs I've had at the local blues dive, I've played with a LOT of different drummers. Why, oh why, do so many of them feel compelled to play huge fills every four bars?

 

I don't mind the fills so much, but they never come back in on the same "1" that the rest of us have. Sheesh.

 

I do know a couple of good drummers. They've learned the lesson we all have to learn -- "less is more". But I think that applies to the drums even more than it applies to the rest of us.

 

--Dave

[Phred]

Some of my favourites...

^^^

 

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The keyboardist can do it with his left hand.

 

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that know.

 

How many Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to do it, and the other to keep saying that Steve Vai could have done it better.

 

*****

 

A young boy begs and pleads with his father to get him bass guitar lessons. After a while, the father concludes that even though it is expensive, having music training will do the boy good. He relents and lets his son take bass lessons.

 

After the first lesson, the boys father asks about his progress... The boy says, "look dad I learned how to play low E..." The boy proceeds to play 8th notes on the E string for 20 or so bars.

 

After the next lesson, the boy is excited to show his father that he can now play A. The boy proudly plays a few bars of 8 notes on the A string.

 

After the next lesson the boy hurries past his father and starts running franticly around the house for a while and then starts heading towards the door with his bass. Right before he leaves the house, his father says, "What did you learn today at bass lessons". Quickly his son says... "Can't talk now dad.... I've got a gig!!!".