Dave Bryce Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Okay, I just posted a bad light bulb joke in another thread - it made me think of starting this one. I'm always looking for new jokes. Anybody got one? dB ==> David Bryce Music • Funky Young Monks <== Professional Affiliations: Royer Labs • Music Player Network Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Not a music joke, but I thought it was funny... This farmer bought a rooster. Problem was, the rooster wouldn't stop at "having a good time" with the hens. He'd get it on with anything that moved, cows, horses, sheep...everything in the barnyard. One day the farmer said, "If that rooster don't stop screwing everything in the barnyard, he's a' gonna kill himself with all of that hanky panky". Sure enough, after weeks of every sexual escapade with every kind of animal imaginable...the rooster is seen lying in the middle of the barnyard, stone dead. A buzzard is circling overhead, getting closer and closer. The farmer walks up and says, "I knew that rooster would kill himself one of these days!". Suddenly, the rooster opens one eye, looks at the buzzard, winks at the farmer, and says "Shhhh!"... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Bryce Posted May 7, 2001 Author Share Posted May 7, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: Not a music joke, but I thought it was funny... Thanks for starting the ball rolling, Tedster! BTW, I didn't mean to in any way suggest that the jokes need to be related to music. Two guys walk into a bar...you'd figure the second one would've seen it.... dB ==> David Bryce Music • Funky Young Monks <== Professional Affiliations: Royer Labs • Music Player Network Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joegerardi Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 You asked for it... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity! Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom. How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say Fuck? Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo". What's the Cuban National Anthem? Row row row your boat. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick." What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut! Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator. How do you know when you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends." Why is being in the Military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings most likely. Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo." What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A Pimp. What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale? A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough - all of them more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week". "My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week too"? "I will if those useless c*cks*ckers at the lumber yard ever bring us the f*cking wood", replied the little girl. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mystery Train In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton had a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) The blonde thought - "That rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face" (2) The fat lady thought - "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him". (3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me" (4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again". --------------------------------------------------------------------------- On a musical note: TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS 25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You. 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head). 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles. 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer. And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is... 1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few Setup: Korg Kronos 61, Roland XV-88, Korg Triton-Rack, Motif-Rack, Korg N1r, Alesis QSR, Roland M-GS64 Yamaha KX-88, KX76, Roland Super-JX, E-Mu Longboard 61, Kawai K1II, Kawai K4. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joegerardi Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 The Musician jokes... Bass Jokes Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb? None; the piano player can do that with his left hand. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? 1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?" The bass player replied with some surprise, "Why? Isn't it the same as last year?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. "Great," says Joe. "You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom'--well there are some guys up top singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play French bow or German bow?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harp Jokes Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How long does a harp stay in tune? About 20 minutes, or until someone opens a door. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of a quarter tone? A harpist tuning unison strings. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Piano Why is an 9-foot concert grand better than a studio upright? Because it makes a much bigger kaboom when dropped over a cliff. Why was the piano invented? So the musician would have a place to put his beer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, "If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Organ Jokes What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments? He puts his Leslie on "slow". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the Majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God. Woodwinds Flute/Piccolo Jokes How do you get two piccolos to play in unison? Shoot one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Double Reed Jokes Why is a bassoon better than an oboe? The bassoon burns longer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a burning oboe good for? Setting a bassoon on fire. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the definition of a major second? Two baroque oboes playing in unison. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get an oboist to play A flat? Take the batteries out of his electric tuner. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? A bad oboist can kill you. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clarinet Jokes How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the definition of "nerd?" Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Saxophone Jokes You might notice that there are very few jokes about the clarinet. This is out of sympathy. The clarinet has already been the butt of so many jokes - the saxophone, for instance. How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? Lawn mowers sound better in small ensemles; The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it; The grip. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw? The exhaust. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophophonist lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why? Am I sharp?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brass Trumpet Jokes How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How to trumpet players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. I'm better than you." How do you know when a trumpet player is at your door? The doorbell shrieks! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why can't a gorilla play trumpet? He's too sensitive. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In an emergency a jazz trumpeter was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra. Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started going improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'--so I took it!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trombone Jokes What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? Vibrato, though you can minimize this difference by holding the chain saw very still. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you make a french horn sound like a trombone? Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste. Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a trombone player is at your door? The doorbell drags. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call a trombonist with a beeper and a cellular telephone? A optimist. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the diffference between a dead trombone player lying in the road, and a dead squirrel lying in the road? The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many trombonists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll do it too loudly. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says "Domino's Pizza" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car? Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? "Year-At-A-Glance." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone? On or off. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is difficult to trust anyone whose instrument changes shape as he plays it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- French Horn Jokes How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section? Have them miss every other note. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy? You can tune a '57 Chevy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost? A goalpost that can't march. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is the French horn a divine instrument? Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do horn players traditionally greet each other? "Hi. I played that last year." "Hi. I did that piece in junior high." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?" "Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all." The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!" The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?" "Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuba Jokes What's the range of a tuba? Twenty yards if you've got a good arm! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb? Three! One to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's a tuba for? 1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- These two tuba players walk past a bar... Well, it could happen! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Percussion Percussionist Jokes Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? The knock always slows down. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car? It took two hours to get the drummer out. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? 1. "Why? Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?" 2. Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in. 3. Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb). 4. Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. 5. None. They have a machine to do that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why is it good that drummers have a half-ounce more brains than horses? So they don't disgrace themselves in parades. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine? With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heard backstage: "Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- In New York City, an out of work jazz drummer named Ed was thinking of throwing himself off a bridge. But then he ran into a former booking agent who told him about the fantastic opportunities for drummers in Iraq. The agent said "If you can find your way over there, just take my card and look up the bandleader named Faisal--he's the large guy with the beard wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curl up at the toes." Ed hit up everyone he knew and borrowed enough to buy transport to Iraq. It took several days to arrange for passport, visas, transportation into Iraq and the shipping of his equipment, but he was finally on his way. Ed arrived in Baghdad and immediately started searching for Faisal. He found guys in pajamas of every color but gold. Finally, in a small coffeehouse, he saw a huge man with a beard--wearing gold pajamas and shoes that curled up at the toes! Ed approached him and asked if he was Faisal. He was. Ed gave him the agent's card and Faisal's face brightened into a huge smile. "You're just in time--I need you for a gig tonight. Meet me at the market near the mosque at 7:30 with your equipment." "But," gasped Ed, "what about a rehearsal?" "No time--don't worry." And with that, Faisal disappeared. Ed arrived in the market at 7:00 to set up his gear. He introduced himself to the other musicians, who were all playing instruments he had never seen in his life. At 7:30 sharp, Faisal appeared and hopped on the bandstand, his gold pajamas glittering in the twilight. Without a word to the musicians, he lifted his arm for the downbeat. "Wait." shouted Ed. "What are we playing?" Faisal shot him a look of frustration and shouted back, "Fake it! Just give me heavy afterbeats on 7 and 13." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator." This message has been edited by joegerardi on 05-06-2001 at 11:09 PM Setup: Korg Kronos 61, Roland XV-88, Korg Triton-Rack, Motif-Rack, Korg N1r, Alesis QSR, Roland M-GS64 Yamaha KX-88, KX76, Roland Super-JX, E-Mu Longboard 61, Kawai K1II, Kawai K4. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Chinese Wisdom... you just have to get the intonation right to read them: "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!" "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." "Man who sleep in cat house by day, sleep in doghouse by night." "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "Man who farts in church sits in own pew." ________________ QUESTIONS.... Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment, of course... but Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute. Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? A: Marriage. Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. And the best one: Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy? A: Two mothers-in-law. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif GusTraX@yahoo.com Músico, Productor, Ingeniero, Tecnólogo Senior Product Manager, América Latina y Caribe - PreSonus at Fender Musical Instruments Company Instagram: guslozada Facebook: Lozada - Música y Tecnología www.guslozada.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
analogman1 Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 You guys are a tough act to follow (hey Gus!) but I'll try... (1) What's the difference between a saxophone player and a pizza?? A piza can feed a family of four! (2) What did the lady say to Michael Jackson, at the beach?? "Hey!!!Get outta my sun!!!" (3) Did you hear about the Roman Soldier with hair in his teeth?? Gladiator!!! Cheers! Tom Tom Nord Electro 5D, Modal Cobalt 8, Yamaha upright piano, numerous plug-ins... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Klopmeyer Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 A guy stands up in a crowded bar and yells, "All lawyers are assholes!". Another guy gets up and yells, "I resent that remark!". The first guy asks, "Why, are you a lawyer?". The second guy says, "No, I'm an asshole." http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif - Jeff Marketing Communications for MI/Pro Audio My solo music and stuff They Stole My Crayon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rod S Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Castaway One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years" replies the stunned man. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it and takes a long drag and says, "Man oh man! Is that ever good!" And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies: "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and says. "Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!" ------------------------------------------------------ (supposedly true) I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:"Leadus not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen." ------------------------------------------------------ (supposedly true) The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached,he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?" Korg Kronos X73 / ARP Odyssey / Motif ES Rack / Roland D-05 / JP-08 / SE-05 / Jupiter Xm / Novation Mininova / NL2X / Waldorf Pulse II MBP-LOGIC American Deluxe P-Bass, Yamaha RBX760 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Bryce Posted May 7, 2001 Author Share Posted May 7, 2001 Ooooh - lawyer jokes. I love lawyer jokes... Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? A: Both have a one in a million shot of becoming a human. Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker? A: Hookers stop screwing you when you die. Q: What do you call 10,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start Q: What do You call 5,000 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand As my good friend Jeff the Lawyer says, "Everyone pokes fun of lawyers - until they need 'em". dB ==> David Bryce Music • Funky Young Monks <== Professional Affiliations: Royer Labs • Music Player Network Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 >>>As my good friend Jeff the Lawyer says, "Everyone pokes fun of lawyers - until they need 'em". Don't even get me started. We needed a lawyer, and couldn't find one who'd even look at our case. All the lawyer jokes are a gross understatement... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
synthfoolsynthfool.com Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 Did you hear the one about the guy who woke up one morning and saw that it looked so nice out, he decided to leave it out all day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Graham English Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 A lawyer by the name of Strange had died and wanted on his tomb stone: Here lies Strange, An Honest Man, and a Lawyer The man carving the tomb stone commented that passerbys might think 3 people were buried there. He suggested that the carving read: Here lies an Honest Lawyer Then people would walk by and say, "that's Strange!" A man walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. The bartender sets up the drinks and watches the man slam one after the other. After the last shot, the bartender asks the man if everything is alright. The man says, "you'd be drinking this much too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "well, what do you have?" The man replies, "75 cents!" ++ Graham English ++ Ear Training, Songwriting Tips, and Music Theory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allan Speers Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 Two male engineering students are talking on the quad at MIT. A beautiful, voluptuous coed rides up to them on her bicycle. She hops off, walks up to one of the students, tears off all her clothes, and says, "You can have anything you want!" So the engineering student hops on her bike and rides off. The other student looks at the girl, and says, "Good choice, your clothes wouldn't have fit him anyway." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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