So, I had my wife arrested last night....

[Tedly Nightshade]

I read above that you love your wife, and it's hard for you to have this come between you- things can heal, but it takes time, and in my case I had to come the long way around to seeing that regardless of how real my distress was, how insane she was being, and how serious everything was, I had acted in various ways that caused a lot of damage to trust. The sooner you can get to where healing things is more important than having been in the right, or being right, the sooner things will heal, and it's a long hard road.

 

The police are professionals. So are the CSD (the folks that take your kids away when they do). God save us from professionals, especially professionals with guns and mace.

 

It's been many, many years, and I'm still living down having threatened to call the police, let alone doing it, let alone having anybody hauled off against their will.

 

Healing has just got to be more important than being right!

[deanmass]

Well, tonight really, really sucked.

 

Everyone is safe, but god damn...

 

TY to those who sent PM's, btw

[The Studio Pet-Rock]

Oh my god.

 

Sorry for the late response, but..wow.

 

Yeah, divorces can be ugly, but this certainly was not the case when my parents got divorced. My older brother & I were practically dancing in the streets! We all endured a lot of abuse on the part of my mother during the marriage. Most of it verbal, but not all. Its really difficult to forget all that. It was a sunny, beautiful summer day when we got the news that the divorce was final. (for the record, she was having an affair and she filed for the divorce).

 

I guess the only real input I have in this situation is you MUST put your children first. Your wife has a responsibility as a parent to conduct herself in a civilized manner in front of the kids. If she is incapable of this, then maybe she shouldnt be around them at all.

 

I have tried many times over the years to correct the problems between my mother and I. She still refuses to acknowledge that she has ever done anything wrong. I havent had a conversation with her in over a year now. I dont consider myself obligated in any way to endure such misery. I did my time.

 

If you want to work things out which will more than likely involve serious counseling - then give it your all & make sure her heart is in it as well. Divorce does not always result in celebration. Sometimes, but not always. Regardless of what you decide, you must put the best interests of your children first. Im sure you know this already.

 

Best of luck to you.

[deanmass]

So, today, I find out my father in law went to a friends office andd told him 'I told him that if he ever hurt my daughter, I was gonna get him. I have 13 bullets. That ought to be enough. I had to hide the gun from my wife cause she was gonna use it on him " (referring to me)

 

Rick is the husband of my wifes' bridesmaid and friends since 3rd grade.

 

I went to the police department and filed a witness statement. They are investigating.

 

Now, I am scared.

[Dan South]

When these thing start to go bad, there's no end to the shocking things that people will say or do.

 

That said, this is probably a case of "blowing off steam."

[Joachim P. Dyndale]

For God's sake let's hope so! Prayers are on the way...

[Curve Dominant]

Dean,

 

I haven't visited these forums in ages, and when I did almost NEVER got involved with the personal threads.

 

But I just read this thread from start to finish, and:

 

1) I feel for you brother,

 

2) The way you've handled the whole situation is something I find impressive; you've demonstrated a high level of emotional intelligence, and

 

3) The thing that scared me the most about your account of the original incident, was your mother in law's attitude and behavior.

 

That woman, pardon my candor, is a scary bitch. She's nuts, obviously has a problem with you, and I would bet $100 that she's instigated your conflicts with your wife to a significant degree.

 

That woman needs to be confronted by someone who can convince her to chill out and back off. Otherwise the turmoil with your wife is NEVER gonna go away.

 

Good luck and be well.

[deanmass]

Thanks again....I am drained. I am sleeping at my office tonight.

[Gus Lozada]

Originally posted by deanmass:

Thanks again....I am drained. I am sleeping at my office tonight.

That sucks... of course, your father in law is just bullshitting.

 

Good luck, amigo.

[Curve Dominant]

Probably true - you don't give someone a "heads-up" if you really want to scribble them.

[big K]

Dean, I read your post the other night, just a few mins after you posted it. I didn't feel right about saying anything at the time, .. cause hell I am only 23 myself, so what the hell do I know?

 

I can't even comprehend how much pain that mut of caused you. I would imagine, if it where me, that at some point I would not even reconise my wife, I would be in total shock that such a person lived inside of her. I really don't know what I would do . I would hope that I would fair as well as you.

 

It is going to take some time to get this whole mess sorted out, that much is a prima faci. And I wish you the best. I truely do , cause it is going to take a lot of strength.

 

We all follow different idealogies, and religios, but I am sure that there are many prayers for you tonight from those who pray, and you are ever present in the thoughts of thous that don't pray.

 

Give your kids an extra long hug before bed, tell them you love them.

 

BIG K

[Tedly Nightshade]

For any of us that live with real mental illness, this kind of thing may be par for the course. Of course, a lot of people with real mental illness need a lot of extra love and kindness and acceptance.

[fantasticsound]

First Dean, sorry to be so late to the thread but when I looked at this originally you had erased your beginning post. Not knowing what happened I had no clue from the first page what you were going through. I sympathize with you buddy. I have no clue what you're actually going through, so I can't really empathize.

 

Originally posted by Duddits:

Just from a voyeuristic point of view (and I feel a little voyeuristic checking out this thread) there's two things going on - the exchange between Ani and Dean, and the exchange between Dean and his wife. The real story is obviously between Dean and his wife -- the story that we hardly know anything about. Of course it makes sense that we don't know much about Dean and his wife since what's happening with them isn't happening here.

 

I know I may just be a cat, but in my opinion, I think Dan kind of hit the nail on the head for me. I just don't think that Dean has provided enough information for Ani to draw the kind of conclusions she's drawing. Obviously, she's relating his situation to hers, but there are millions of other situations it could be related to that would lead to millions of different conclusions.

 

Ani says "But in your scenario, the said person did not come onto a public forum boasting about how he had just had his wife arrested for abuse after having brought another female home."

 

I really don't see anything that smacks of "boasting." That Ani would characterize his messages as "boasting" says something about how she is reading what he's writing.

 

Ani says: "The man says he loves his wife, and yet taunts her with the presence of a woman"

 

Based on what he says, I don't see his actions as "taunting." If they are, than I plead guilty to taunting on a daily basis. By that logic, Dean's on-line conversation with Ani would probably go beyond mere taunting if his wifey ever found out about this thread!

 

So do I think Dean is all innocent and his wife is all guilty? I HAVE NO FRIGGIN IDEA. For all I know, Ani has underestimated his culpability, and maybe he's even worse than she can imagine. Who knows, maybe he doesn't even have a wife. Maybe he has one and keeps her in a hefty bag, or two. My guess is he has a wife, he doesn't keep her in a hefty bag, and I really don't know what her side of the story is. But frankly, I don't much care about his wife's side of the story because this is Dean's thread not hers.

 

And since it is his story, all I can do is take him at his word. And if I take him at his word, it sounds like Dean's wife rather than Dean was to blame, and it's impossible to evaluate whether his reaction was appropriate or not. But as a dramatic incident in his life -- in anyone's life -- my God! -- it makes sense to want to vent, express, and chat about it, so why not online: virtual confession, therapy, commeraderie, empathy.

 

So, hope things work out. Wish I had some good advice, but anything I could say has already been said. I don't know. If you love her keep her, if you don't, dump her. I had a relationship with a certain someone recently but even though there's lots of love, we drive each other crazy, so it just didn't work out. Although we still do some work together. It didn't come to blows tho. See, now you've got me doing it: relating your experience to my own. Is there any other way?

 

meow.

Wow. Just wow. For a cat you're a frickin' genius. I wish I could have written this post. I'm glad you did. Pretty much sums up my feelings.

 

On another note...

 

I've only read parts of Ani's posts that other people have quoted. They sound, IMO, way out of line. This is not the first time I've come away thinking, "regardless of Ani's pleasant responses to male forum members here, it's apparent that she regards men as the enemy. Not just her ex. All men." My only real fear is that she's teaching her son to self loathe. He can't help being a boy who will grow to be a man. He's being shaped by his mother's comments. And I don't believe she keeps her feelings to herself.

 

This is not to say she doesn't have good reason to be bitter. But the all-encompassing hatred for men is almost tangible. That's both scary and dangerous.

 

For that matter, the same can be said about Ted Nightshade's hatred of cops. All I'll say about that is there are too many dead people who didn't act when they could've brought in the authorities to control an otherwise uncontrollable family member. You can disagree, but the uninvited attacks on Dean for his decisions that night are completely uncalled for.

 

Last, but not least. You cannot appease jealous people. No matter how you act, they will find some way to indict you, fairly or unfairly, as either a cheater or insensitive. It's one thing to get upset at advances by women in bars, etc. Especially when the spouse is a musician. It's entirely different when you cannot have friends who are of the opposite sex. That is unhealthy and potentially dangerous. And it is absolutely not the fault of anyone but the jealous person when they are jealous, unless the other person has cheated before.

[Super 8]

Originally posted by deanmass:

'I told him that if he ever hurt my daughter, I was gonna get him. I have 13 bullets. That ought to be enough. I had to hide the gun from my wife cause she was gonna use it on him " (referring to me)

Let me guess.....the inlaws are a problem?

 

Again, I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I do think it's great that you chose to go into therapy even though she did not. I hope you have kept your counselor aware of the current events.

 

Take care, bro....we're here for ya. You've got my prayers.

 

Originally posted by fantasticsound:

This is not the first time I've come away thinking, "regardless of Ani's pleasant responses to male forum members here, it's apparent that she regards men as the enemy. Not just her ex. All men." My only real fear is that she's teaching her son to self loathe. He can't help being a boy who will grow to be a man. He's being shaped by his mother's comments. And I don't believe she keeps her feelings to herself.

Fantastic,

You took the words right out of my mouth. I have felt this for a long time, based upon her past writings.

She's a good person, but there seems to be a lot of unresolved anger within her. I'm not saying that her reasons for being angry aren't justified, but unresolved anger only leads to bitterness.

[PBBPaul]

Dean,

 

I've had a very difficult summer myself and I can empathize with your situation. It's for that very reason that I've stayed away from the personal threads myself. Ted actually has a valid point about the social workers. Once they're involved it seems that they just never go away - although that might not be a bad thing at all given your situation. I wish you the best of luck and you have my prayers. My situation is a bit different from yours but if you have any questions, PM me and I may be able to help a bit.

 

Paul

[deanmass]

Originally posted by Gus Lozada:

Originally posted by deanmass:

Thanks again....I am drained. I am sleeping at my office tonight.

That sucks... of course, your father in law is just bullshitting.

 

Good luck, amigo.

Thing is man, I cannot afford to risk it. There are 2 pistols there. My kids go there. I am not invited there anymore. I had to report in.

[Tedly Nightshade]

For that matter, the same can be said about Ted Nightshade's hatred of cops. All I'll say about that is there are too many dead people who didn't act when they could've brought in the authorities to control an otherwise uncontrollable family member. You can disagree, but the uninvited attacks on Dean for his decisions that night are completely uncalled for.

[/QB]

FWIW, I don't hate cops. I just regard them as extremely dangerous. Like I say, once you say sic 'em, you can't call them off. You are at their mercy, such as it may be. There are a few very conscientious and honorable cops, but you don't get to pick which ones come when you call them.

 

I'm not attacking anybody- I'm just saying, to bring in enforcers with weapons, besides being very dangerous and unpredictable, damages trust in a way that takes many years to heal if it ever can. It's more than evident that healing is in order all around- the cops are not in the business of healing.

 

After reading this thread I have apologized yet again to my wife for ever even threatening to call the police on her. The response is tentative, at best- things will never be the same between us again. Ever.

 

[videoeditor1]

While I disagree with Ted on the role of the po-lice, and their level of training and / or professionalism, this article underscores his point...

 

NY Daily News.

 

Police keep kin from

man shot in standoff

 

BY FERNANDA SANTOS and NICOLE BODE

DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITERS

 

Police blocked relatives of a knife-wielding schizophrenic Brooklyn man who was shot by a cop from visiting him in the hospital yesterday as they hired a lawyer to investigate whether excessive force was used.

The mother of Richard Figueroa, 25, was shut out of her son's recovery room in Bellevue Hospital after police arrested him and booked him with multiple charges, including menacing and assault.

 

"I am so angry," said Ana Figueroa, 70.

 

Richard Figueroa remains in critical but stable condition after being shot in the stomach several times during a Saturday standoff with police at his Williamsburg home.

 

Figueroa's 44-year-old brother, Joel, hit in the leg by ricocheting police gunfire, also remained at Bellevue yesterday.

 

Authorities were called to the family's S. Second St. home after Figueroa threatened his mother with the knife, officials said.

 

Police said an officer, whose name was not released, fired on Richard Figueroa only after he ignored repeated requests to drop a 10-inch knife and lunged at cops. They have not revealed the number of shots fired.

 

A lawyer for the family, Greg Sobo, said he has obtained witness accounts that conflict with the official version.

 

"We're not going to rush to any judgments," he said.

 

Family members questioned whether police had to resort to deadly force.

 

"That was an abuse," said Angel Perez, 59, of Belleville, N.J., a cousin of Figueroa.

 

Originally published on September 6, 2004

[YourMotherShouldKnow]

The cops should've shot this guy in head.

 

Police can significantly overstep their boundaries. The Maryland State Police were always very fair and highly trained. I remember only one problem with them. I was pulled over for going 62 in a 55 (fair enough) and the officer said he smelled pot in the car (I had long hair and music equipment in the car). So he called in the dog sniffing unit.

 

There was no pot in the car so I was perfectly courteous and patient. There was no trouble. But that was a bullshit move on his part. He was using his imagination.

 

Other than that I've been very impressed with the Maryland State Police.

 

The Texas police where I am seem really really really interested in your business. I don't like that.

 

Dean,

 

Hope you are doin' ok. Keep doin' what's best for yourself.

[KenElevenShadows]

Originally posted by deanmass:

[QBThis really, really sucks. I wish I was in Ghana with Ken and my kids.[/QB]

Damn.

 

I'm really really sorry to hear that horrible story. I don't know what to say except that I don't think that your follow-through (taking care of the kids, hiding things, credit cards, etc.) is harsh at all. That just seems sensible to protect everything. But I feel really bad that this happened. This makes my problems not seem so bad (although they still suck).

 

Yeah, maybe you should take the kids and go to Ghana (I just got back from my trip last night or else you'd be welcome to join me there!).