PSA/Warning: Koloss guitar-shaped things- UTTER CRAP

[Caevan O’Shite]

PSA/Warning: Koloss guitar-shaped instruments things

 

W o w . These may be the absolute worst crappy alleged guitars to come out since the driftwood trash of the '60s- worse, in some ways...

 

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'Not Suitable For Work (or children, or pets, or anyone who actually wants a good useable guitar)'

 

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[surfergirl]

Reminds me of a pop out surfboard. The pour a bunch of crap into a plastic mold and out pops a piece of crap surfboard I wouldn't let my dog piss on, let alone ride it.

[KuruPrionz]

Maybe I can get one really cheap and tweak it into a shredder!!!

 

Then I will come back on here and taunt everyone.

 

It would have to be unbelievably bad for me not to be able to resurrect it with a bit of work.

 

Worst case, I could smash it on stage, been a while since I've done that.

[Dannyalcatraz]

That is a whole lotta not love.

[Winston Psmith]

My first thought is that someone REALLY had to hate a free Guitar to make a 16-to-25 minute video explaining how much they hate it, and why. I have to admit, I didn't watch any of them all the way through, because there really wasn't much point. I get it, these things suck out loud.

 

The battery compartment has potential, however. Here's a poorly made, mostly metal Guitar, with little or no attention to QC, and what's probably a bottom-of-the-barrel battery housing; what could possibly go wrong?

 

Sideways thoughts - I'd bet they're not sending out any more free Guitars for demo videos, if they've seen these demos.

 

I couldn't really hear the big bearded fellow in the last video, but the expression on his face said it all.

 

I have to wonder why the guy in the first video is standing in front of what appears to be a County Jail or Mental Hospital, and why his demo studio is the back of his Jeep?

 

The "Arnold Plays Guitar" guy was the most entertaining, and I'd look for him again. I really want to find the video where he attempts to assemble the Koloss "kit" Guitar.

[Larryz]

I only watched the Buyer Beware bearded guys video and it was all I needed to see. +1 very hard to hear his voice but the guitar came through OK. He did a great demo and great job of showing the design flaws. The biggest one for me was all the strings coming off the saddles of the bridge when doing a dive bomb LoL! I didn't like the jack poking the belly on the back of the guitar either LoL! The nut cut was an unbelievable disaster...The guitar didn't sound that bad. If the bridge and the nut were changed along with the jack location before they poured another one, the Chinese manufacturer might be able to salvage their line of guitars.

[KuruPrionz]

That is a whole lotta not love.

I have to wonder why the guy in the first video is standing in front of what appears to be a County Jail or Mental Hospital, and why his demo studio is the back of his Jeep?.

 

Y'all cracking me square up!!!

 

I'm reminded of being an adolescent and reading Guitar Player magazine in the late 60's or so. They interviewed Chet Atkins, I was a fan then and remain in awe now.

They asked Chet what he thought about Pete Townshend and Jimi Hendrix smashing guitars and Chet said...

 

"Some of them need to be smashed."

 

That still cracks me up, especially coming from Chet.

[Dannyalcatraz]

I"ve seen a few of Arnold"s vids. I don"t always agree with his opinions, but he"s always brutally straightforward.

 

McKnight"s gentler, but he also sometimes manages to dig a little deeper.

[p90jr]

I read a guitar blog by a guy in Japan who talked about his mentor educating him on guitars in the '70s... that if a guitar had been made by happy luthiers or factory workers it was made with love and had a good spirit, but if it was made by unhappy workers it was not made with love and had a bad spirit. A guitar with a bad spirit only sounds bad and sends unhappiness out into the world when it is played, and makes the player unhappy. This was aimed at most of the new Gibsons and Fenders of the time, which his mentor touched and judged as not being made with love. He thought the Japanese guitars of the day - Yamaha and Greco/Ibanez and Tokai - were blossoming. That could be revisionist personal history after a generally accepted opinion was established, but I swear I've touched some guitars with bad spirits... not guitars that had been abused and needed some TLC, as I've come across some of those that I could tell had good spirits, but guitars that looked like they should've been good but were just inexplicably foul. I know a guy who was trying to crack the Gibson serial number thing to tell which guitars were made on Wednesdays, as he believed those were made when everybody on the line was probably in a good mood and in the swing of things, while Mondays and Fridays were probably the worst.

 

That's what these vids are reminding me of... I have some wonderful Chinese guitars, a Hamer Echotone in particular that is a real gem, but some you pick up and you feel the misery of the sweatshop in your hands.

[Scott Fraser]

This looks to me to be the product of people with a strong background in industrial design & mechanical engineering, & no experience building nor playing guitars. These instruments are beset by problems which the luthiery world solved 40 to 60 years ago.

[Winston Psmith]

I know a guy who was trying to crack the Gibson serial number thing to tell which guitars were made on Wednesdays, as he believed those were made when everybody on the line was probably in a good mood and in the swing of things, while Mondays and Fridays were probably the worst.

 

@p90jr - I'm with him on that.

 

When I worked Music retail, I had a riddle I used to put to any new young employee: "Would you rather have the first Guitar to come off the line on Monday morning, or the last one off the line on Friday evening?" When they'd spent enough time searching for an answer, I'd tell them, "It's a trick question; the only right answer is 'No'."

 

I went back to watch some more of each video, and WTH?!?!?!? I honestly didn't know that cranking a Guitar neck across a train rail was part of any QC review, and while I've been driving a Jeep for over 20 years, I've never backed it over any of my Guitars to see how they held up. Clearly, I've missed out on some important aspects of the review process. OTOH, I don't use my Jeep as a YouTube studio, either, so IDK?

 

Arnold looks a LOT like an old friend of mine did back in the 80's, and sounds a lot like him, too, so I found his video highly entertaining, on many levels. I would gladly tune in to watch him hate on the Koloss 'kit' Guitar, and may have to dial that up . . .

[Dannyalcatraz]

If it weren"t for the idiotic jack placement, it might be worth it to get the kit for the body and customize it. That"s the only good thing I could see out of this.

[Sharkman]

I was actually impressed by the guy driving his Jeep over the guitar body in the first video. I was thinking if they put a good neck on that body, with good pickups and controls, you would have a pretty decent guitar. But, it's a piece of crap the way it is.

[Caevan O’Shite]

This looks to me to be the product of people with a strong background in industrial design & mechanical engineering, & no experience building nor playing guitars. These instruments are beset by problems which the luthiery world solved 40 to 60 years ago.

 

Well, looking at the bridge and the neck, I'd say, nooo- they are people with some success at having those positions but they're really FRUCKING MORONS with weak skills that design GARBAGE in a hurry to make it appear that they met their required work schedule. Twits that I wouldn't trust to make a birdfeeder or picture-frame, even for free. That bridge is HORRIBLY BADLY designed. The necks are barely better than they would be if made of hard rubber.

 

Observe but one example of many at 3:44 here:

 

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If it weren"t for the idiotic jack placement, it might be worth it to get the kit for the body and customize it. That"s the only good thing I could see out of this.

 

It's one thing to have the output-jack located where it is, but even another for the jack to be angled the way it is- far wider an angle than that of a standard Strat-styled jack, which it otherwise copies...

 

And no Koloss aluminum body for me, I wouldn't want to put so much as a penny into the hands of these spamming, scamming, lying, crooked thieving jackasses. "Locking saddles." "Carbon Graphite neck." Pllleeeaasse... Shysters. I have suspicions that the body's neck-pocket and bolt through-holes wouldn't properly line up with necks from reputable, decent makers, and that the paint or one thing or another would prove to be greatly carcinogenic or carry STD's...

 

 

I went back to watch some more of each video, and WTH?!?!?!? I honestly didn't know that cranking a Guitar neck across a train rail was part of any QC review, and while I've been driving a Jeep for over 20 years, I've never backed it over any of my Guitars to see how they held up. Clearly, I've missed out on some important aspects of the review process. OTOH, I don't use my Jeep as a YouTube studio, either, so IDK?

 

Normally, yeah, I'm sure that railroad-tracks and Jeeps don't factor in, but somehow, here, the neck (AND ITS BEING CLAIMED TO BE "CARBON GRAPHITE") in particular and the whole guitars OBJECTS terrible design, material, and workmanship failures beg for such extreme measures by whatever means would be readily available...

 

I mean, you could bend this neck with your hands...

 

Plus, this WAS claimed to be a Carbon Graphite neck; Modulus necks and others would be EXTREMELY stiff and strong, and Ned Steinberger himself was known to stand on Steinberger necks straddling chairs to demonstrate their strength and reliability, EVEN SWINGING ONE TO CRACK A TABLE-TOP and then playing the instrument, still in tune (a friend was present when he did that once!). If yer gonna claim to be a big dog, be prepared to do big dog stuff... or run home making excuses.

 

You and I and many others have played warm-weather gigs where that asinine rubbery neck would have had the guitar going unusably out of tune.

 

...I could smash it on stage, been a while since I've done that.

 

I don't know as you could smash it- but you COULD pretty easily bend it up pretty badly!

 

I think that almost as much damage was done to some of these in production...

[Dannyalcatraz]

One thing that really DID annoy me was the first reviewer- even after having disproven the neck has nothing more than a passing relationship with carbon fiber- kept saying the neck was carbon fiber.

[Caevan O’Shite]

One thing that really DID annoy me was the first reviewer- even after having disproven the neck has nothing more than a passing relationship with carbon fiber- kept saying the neck was carbon fiber.

 

Haahhaahh! Yeah, whether he was just repeating it as the alleged material claimed by the maker, or just saying it robotically- that was a bit lame and muddying the waters...

[wraub]

I have 2 MIC guitars- a 2002 Squier Standard, and a newer Firefly. Both exude the "play me" pheromone quite strongly, and I follow along.

 

Good energy or not, they work well.

[Caevan O’Shite]

I have 2 MIC guitars- a 2002 Squier Standard, and a newer Firefly. Both exude the "play me" pheromone quite strongly, and I follow along.

 

Good energy or not, they work well.

 

I do not doubt that!

 

However, these barely polished turds have SO MANY HORRIBLY UNACCEPTABLE issues it's ridiculous. Shameful!

 

Watch from 3:44 to 4:10 here:

 

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[Winston Psmith]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar.

 

Pull it out for one tune during a live set, then right in the middle of a blazing solo, BEND THE NECK FORWARD UNTIL THE STRINGS HANG SLACK! Give it a moment before you try to crank it back into place, well, as much as it'll really go, while still plugged in and powered up. It won't be in tune, but who cares? More visually striking than just smashing a Guitar onstage, and you can do it over and over again, using just this piece of crap.

 

It's still not worth $300, much less $600, just for that . . .

[Caevan O’Shite]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar.

 

Pull it out for one tune during a live set, then right in the middle of a blazing solo, BEND THE NECK FORWARD UNTIL THE STRINGS HANG SLACK! Give it a moment before you try to crank it back into place, well, as much as it'll really go, while still plugged in and powered up. It won't be in tune, but who cares? More visually striking than just smashing a Guitar onstage, and you can do it over and over again, using just this piece of crap.

 

It's still not worth $300, much less $600, just for that . . .

 

More than likely, you'd bend the truss-rod in that rubber neck and the neck wouldn't return to being straight... !

[Larryz]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar.

 

Pull it out for one tune during a live set, then right in the middle of a blazing solo, BEND THE NECK FORWARD UNTIL THE STRINGS HANG SLACK! Give it a moment before you try to crank it back into place, well, as much as it'll really go, while still plugged in and powered up. It won't be in tune, but who cares? More visually striking than just smashing a Guitar onstage, and you can do it over and over again, using just this piece of crap.

 

It's still not worth $300, much less $600, just for that . . .

 

More than likely, you'd bend the truss-rod in that rubber neck and the neck wouldn't return to being straight... !

 

 

In the Buyer Beware video review it looked to me like you could accomplish the audio sound trick by just using the whammy bar faulty bridge design. It wouldn't be as dramatic for the audience as wrenching the rubber necking neck back and forth though LoL! When doing a full-on dive bomb, the strings come completely off of the saddles and hopefully come back into position when you let it back up...

[KuruPrionz]

I'mma wait until they got out of business and buy a buttload of them when they are $15.

 

They would look most decorative festooned upon the upper curve of a arched garden gate, if I had an arched garden gate...

 

Or, bore holes into the ground on the perimeter of the front yard and make a lovely multicolored fence, if I had a front yard.

 

If you put foot straps on them, they might work as water skis, if I had a boat to take out water skiing.

 

You could even arrange them in a 3 foot diameter circle and make bbq/fire pit in the back yard, if I had a back yard...

[Caevan O’Shite]

I'mma wait until they got out of business and buy a buttload of them when they are $15.

 

They would look most decorative festooned upon the upper curve of a arched garden gate, if I had an arched garden gate...

 

Or, bore holes into the ground on the perimeter of the front yard and make a lovely multicolored fence, if I had a front yard.

 

If you put foot straps on them, they might work as water skis, if I had a boat to take out water skiing.

 

You could even arrange them in a 3 foot diameter circle and make bbq/fire pit in the back yard, if I had a back yard...

 

Haahh!

 

They would look most decorative festooned upon the upper curve of a arched garden gate, if I had an arched garden gate...

 

Winston... ?

[Dannyalcatraz]

I'mma wait until they got out of business and buy a buttload of them when they are $15.

 

They would look most decorative festooned upon the upper curve of a arched garden gate, if I had an arched garden gate...

 

Or, bore holes into the ground on the perimeter of the front yard and make a lovely multicolored fence, if I had a front yard.

 

If you put foot straps on them, they might work as water skis, if I had a boat to take out water skiing.

 

You could even arrange them in a 3 foot diameter circle and make bbq/fire pit in the back yard, if I had a back yard...

Those aluminum bodies might be light enough to use for snow shoesâ¦says the guy living in Texas.ð

[Winston Psmith]

They would look most decorative festooned upon the upper curve of a arched garden gate, if I had an arched garden gate...

 

Winston... ?

 

Sorry, just a small metal trellis for vines.

 

I could see doing a "Cadillac Desert"-style display, with a bunch of them sticking up out of the ground like 6-stringed Garden Gnomes.

 

Having seen how the guy in the first video bent the neck like a big rubber band, I'm not convinced that there IS a truss rod?

[surfergirl]

I looked at the kit, $369. Stewmac $170., $267. with finishing kit.*

These are sales prices, regular prices are still well below $369. and I'm guessing much higher quality.

[Scott Fraser]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar..

 

Movie props for scenes where a lot of stuff blows up?

[Sharkman]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar.

 

If you are playing a well-paying gig, you could turn into a Sixties era Pete Townshend at the end of the show and go nuts onstage trying to destroy that piece of crap. Your video would go viral before you made it backstage.

[Caevan O’Shite]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar.

 

If you are playing a well-paying gig, you could turn into a Sixties era Pete Townshend at the end of the show and go nuts onstage trying to destroy that piece of crap. Your video would go viral before you made it backstage.

 

You can bend and dent 'em, but you can't quite smash 'em!

[Winston Psmith]

I can maybe see ONE possible use for these sorry things, as a sort of "stunt" Guitar..

 

Movie props for scenes where a lot of stuff blows up?

 

Next time Tarantino needs a Guitar to wreck . . .