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OT: Fair weather friends and other annoyances


Synthoid

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I know someone that I consider a casual friend. He's also a musician, and we used to get together for a beer once in awhile but haven't in ages because of his busy schedule. If that's all it was, it would be cool... but from time to time I'll text to say hello and always have to hear how great things are going, like "really busy with work," or "too bad you weren't at this event because you missed a great meal," and the like. Sometimes it borders on arrogance. Funny thing is, if I share something positive he often stops texting.

 

Obviously it's a maturity issue, or heaven forbid, something worse. Still, I hoped after 10+ years of this he would have changed. I often wonder what he's like at home with the family.

 

Oh well, rant over. As you were.

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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The age of me-ism. I bet he keeps up a stellar Facebook page full of great selfies outlining a perfect life. It's more often than not a facade, I fear. Don't read too much into all that - he may very well be busy and dealing with life's stresses like everyone else and just trying to keep up appearances. If he hasn't time for you, then move on. Other bros in the hood.

Yamaha CP88, Casio PX-560

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The age of me-ism. I bet he keeps up a stellar Facebook page full of great selfies outlining a prefect life.

 

Of course. Loves to toot blare his own horn. :roll:

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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The age of me-ism. I bet he keeps up a stellar Facebook page full of great selfies outlining a prefect life.

 

Of course. Loves to toot blare his own horn. :roll:

 

This sounds familiar. We have a few acquaintances , formerly friends , who are competitive. It's " all about them " and the latest cool thing they are bragging about. I find that superficial or maybe they need to feed their ego this way.

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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Don't read too much into it. It could be as simple as different personalities and different communication styles.

 

I recently took a class at work for people pursuing management positions, but I found it very useful in all aspects of my life. The class was called "Leadership Process Motivating Dialong (LPMD) but was based on the Process Communication Model (PCM) developed by Taibi Kahler.. You can google the latter to get details of the model and what it all means. Many of you have taken the MBTI which determines personality type based on 4 scales: Introvert/Extrovert, Sensing/Intuitive, Thinking/Feeling, and Perceptive/Judging. I've done that one too. The premise of each is that there is no right or wrong personality type, but that it changes things like how you see the world, how you make decisions, what psychological needs you may have, how you handle stress, and your preferred method of communication. When we view somebody else's actions or decisions through the lens of our own personality type, we see them differently than if we understand their personality type and how it drives those things. So instead of thinking they're illogical or have evil intent, we understand it's because they're caring and acting on feelings or intuition, as an example.

 

What I like about Kahler's PCM is that unlike Meyers-Briggs, it assumes at while your base may be one type, you can move to other types in different situations and will revert to your base in times of stress. It covers what the psychological need is for each type and what preferred method of communication, Of course the context of the class is to motivate people of different personality types based on their needs and communication preference, as well as deal with conflict when you see somebody going into there mode of distress. However, I've seen it play out with my kids and can now recognize things that had played out with my ex wife and other personal relationships.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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This sounds familiar. We have a few acquaintances , formerly friends , who are competitive. It's " all about them " and the latest cool thing they are bragging about. I find that superficial or maybe they need to feed their ego this way.

 

I found the perfect gift for such people:

 

http://ih1.redbubble.net/image.5345086.5750/ts,482x482,babyblue,womens,ffffff.jpg

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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Given some of your description, in the Kahler model, perhaps he's a thinker. Thinkers are logical, usually very organized, to the point, value a schedule (meaning if you aren't fitting into whatever they've scheduled, it could put them in distress), and most importantly, have a Psychological need to be recognized for their work. When Thinkers reach distress, they deal with it by wanting to just do everything themselves rather than trust anybody else to help them.

 

You should consider that he respects you and values your opinion and that approval from you might fill his psychological need to be recognized for his efforts more than it would from somebody else.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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most importantly, have a Psychological need to be recognized for their work.

 

This for sure, but a bit too much me thinks. :laugh:

 

I added on to my last post, but I'll add: what would it really hurt to just say "good job, that's awesome" and make the guy feel like he's accomplished something. It doesn't take anything away from you to praise somebody else. It's not a competition....although I'll let you in on a little secret....I believe my ex wife and I were both "thinkers" when we were married. According to my evaluation, my base is thinker but I've since phased to "Persistor" with my next phase being "Imagimer", although I generally exist in my Persister phase. Anyway, looking back on our constant arguments, I think we were competing with each other over recognition. It could be who does the dishes more often, who cleans the house, who was up more overnight with the kids - because for one person to take credit meant giving up credit and we both had the same need that wasn't being fulfilled by one another. Just a thought.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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I added on to my last post, but I'll add: what would it really hurt to just say "good job, that's awesome" and make the guy feel like he's accomplished something.

 

Oh I've done that.

 

Thing is, he's very competitive and rarely returns the favor.

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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Still, I hoped after 10+ years of this he would have changed.

I'm going back to my home town next month for a reunion. Called my high school best friend the other day. There were a few things about him that always bugged me. Guess what? They've gotten worse!!!

 

Expecting people to change in a way that you'd like seldom happens ...

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After reading all of the personality characteristics, I would have to say I am strongly in "Rebel" but the others fit depending on the situation with Imaginer and Persistor coming in close behind.

 

Interesting.

 

Thanks!

 

:)

 

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Expecting people to change in a way that you'd like seldom happens ...

 

So true. Fortunately, the rest of the folks I hang around with have more redeeming personalities.

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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I added on to my last post, but I'll add: what would it really hurt to just say "good job, that's awesome" and make the guy feel like he's accomplished something.

 

Oh I've done that.

 

Thing is, he's very competitive and rarely returns the favor.

 

Why do you need him to "return the favor"? I'm sorry I'm not trying to be argumentative, just trying to make you think about things in a different way. It may be as you suggest, the guy is no friend and you can just walk away. So why after 10 years are you still trying, and still perplexed? Could it be that you have some sort of need for recognition from him that you're not getting? Any answer to that question isn't right or wrong, but sometimes understanding what is at the root of something really helps cut through the BS and understand what's really going on. You may not be surprised to find that another personality trait of mine is that I'm analytical, lol. That certainly rubs so,e people the wrong way, but it's the way my brain processes things. I can't change that about myself anymore than somebody else can change that they go on their gut. It's how we are wired from birth.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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If anyone is interested, here's a site that describes the model in detail:

 

http://www.kahlercommunications.com

 

There's a European version of the site....not sure what's different. I've seen some online questionnaires you can fill out, but I haven't done them. Far as I know the legit ones cost money because they include the analysis and training. You really need the course to get much out of it, but they are very, very expensive,....sometimes thousands for a few day course. Very useful, though.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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I added on to my last post, but I'll add: what would it really hurt to just say "good job, that's awesome" and make the guy feel like he's accomplished something.

 

Oh I've done that.

 

Thing is, he's very competitive and rarely returns the favor.

 

Why do you need him to "return the favor"? I'm sorry I'm not trying to be argumentative, just trying to make you think about things in a different way.

 

The thing is, Dan... it's not just me that's disillusioned with this guy. Someone else I know shared a similar view of the situation. Actually he was even more verbal and disgusted.

 

Maybe I'm just trying to be polite and/or disappointed to see a friendship wither away, albeit one that's not that great in the first place.

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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At a very basic level, it seems some of the affiliative needs you value are simply not being met by this relationship, one of which may be your need for a genuinely reciprocal relationship. Personality attributes are very stable human features, including egocentrism. You can accept this, while understanding your friend probably won't change, although it seems you really shouldn't have to work this hard. If you feel this is true, ask yourself why you are.

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

- George Bernard Shaw

 

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Of course this isn't my friend, but...the interaction you described in the OP didn't necessarily strike me as inherently bad. I can read it as him letting you know you were on his mind during a cool gig, catching you up with details of his life, maybe feeling that you two don't talk enough for him to use your brief conversations to complain or talk about any heavy or bad stuff. He might even see your responses as a sort of competition, and not want to compete with you, so doesn't know how to engage otherwise. After all, if you ARE his friend, you should be happy that things are going well for him, correct?

 

But...to be direct, and to flip the script a bit: it's also possible that he just might not consider you a close enough friend for the "real" stuff. Is that a possibility? After all, if it's always you initiating, him giving the happy-talk smoke-screen, losing interest when you try for anything more in the conversation...it may not be that he's a raging narcissist; it may just be that he's not that invested in nurturing this friendship, and is giving all he can to it (which is surface-level occasional check-ins). His being harder and harder to pin down for a hang recently wouldn't be inconsistent with this interpretation.

 

It sounds like this might be a tough idea to consider, but is it a possibility?

 

Now out! "Mind the Gap," a 24-song album of new material.
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Well, the replies have given me a lot to think about. And while I don't consider my friend a "raging narcissist," I remember my wife occasionally referred to him as "a delicate hothouse orchid." :laugh:

 

Only time will tell what happens next.

 

 

 

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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People like that are usually very insecure and unhappy. Their outwards "Life is perfect" persona is just a facade. So when you're grinding your teeth while he's telling you about his latest promotion at work, you can take comfort in knowing he's probably suffering with crippling insecurity and depression. :thu:
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when you're grinding your teeth while he's telling you about his latest promotion at work, you can take comfort in knowing he's probably suffering with crippling insecurity and depression.

 

I certainly hope that isn't the case here.

When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's a Moray.
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when you're grinding your teeth while he's telling you about his latest promotion at work, you can take comfort in knowing he's probably suffering with crippling insecurity and depression.

 

I certainly hope that isn't the case here.

 

LOL - The last part was tongue & cheek, but the original point remains: He;s most likely overcompensating, so I wouldn't be too hard on him.

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Based on the reported behavior, I'd assume the best intention until I had more reason to change my mind. I'm with jdans opening and maths opening.

 

My life experience is 90% of the times I assumed some negative intent I found I was misreading. Text, like email and er forums are notorious for unfounded misunderstanding. Alls well until it's not for me. Easier.

 

I'll sound conceited or proud to some, I'm really not, I'm finally in a blissful perspective that I'm not that important, none of us are that important. I'm not great at anything but I do things well, things not e ermine can do (even if most here can do some of them better - I think that's awesome btw). I know I'm good and worthy, as we are all, every single one of us, worthy of pride and praise. We all are riding our wave, gliding our path, and stumbling upon each other as we go.

 

If he's proud of some moment or accomplishment, well right on, good on him. You have a lot to be proud of too, and even if he's in a competition ... You don't have to be.

The baiting I do is purely for entertainment value. Please feel free to ignore it.
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Based on the reported behavior, I'd assume the best intention until I had more reason to change my mind. I'm with jdans opening and maths opening.

 

My life experience is 90% of the times I assumed some negative intent I found I was misreading. Text, like email and er forums are notorious for unfounded misunderstanding. Alls well until it's not for me. Easier.

 

I'll sound conceited or proud to some, I'm really not, I'm finally in a blissful perspective that I'm not that important, none of us are that important. I'm not great at anything but I do things well, things not e ermine can do (even if most here can do some of them better - I think that's awesome btw). I know I'm good and worthy, as we are all, every single one of us, worthy of pride and praise. We all are riding our wave, gliding our path, and stumbling upon each other as we go.

 

If he's proud of some moment or accomplishment, well right on, good on him. You have a lot to be proud of too, and even if he's in a competition ... You don't have to be.

 

. I set my own life goals. Everyday I work at them and keep track. But so what, really.

 

 

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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That GregC is such a competitive D-Bag, always touting his own achievements, never asking me about mine.

 

:rimshot::D

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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That GregC is such a competitive D-Bag, always touting his own achievements, never asking me about mine.

 

:rimshot::D

 

always good to connect with a fellow bragger ;)

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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