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A Day in the Life?


Chip McDonald

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The following is an email I just sent to a friend who is a former student (who happens to be named Lee, but isn't Lee Flyer). This message is pertaining to what should have been a nice mellow pedestrian gig at a local Border's Bookstore, where I play acoustic guitar over a bunch of backing music I've done on a VS-880 (the "acoustic" music on my MP3.com web page)

------------------------------

 

What's up Lee,

 

Man, you came on the WRONG night...

 

Went to bed at the usual 3 am last night. Didn't sleep as usual.

Got up at 7am to tape the qualifying for the Grand Prix of France at Magny Cours. May as well,

since a room mate gets up then and makes noise anyhow.

 

I had lessons from 10 am until 7 pm straight because of reschedules for the 4th of July.

 

Come home with 10 minutes to spare to get the VS-880 and my acoustic.

Make the mistake of taking a "detour" in the bathroom. Turns out the toilet decided this would be a good time to back up. Never has before. Oh well.

 

"Fix" that and arrive late at Borders. No checking sound or anything, old strings, dead battery

in the acoustic. I've worn through my callouses because I've been playing guitar for the past 9 hours

straight. Volume levels are completely goofy, the battery being dead makes the guitar feel totally stiff - "ON/OFF"

like. Didn't have time to reposition the cabinets so I could hear myself a little, either - so that sucked as well.

 

*THEN* THE WEIRDNESS STARTED.

 

I think you were there when the couple with the little girl were sitting in front of me? Did you notice the

kid PICKED UP MY TUNER AND STARTED PLAYING WITH IT, almost WALKED AWAY WITH IT WHILE I

WAS PLUGGED IN AND PLAYING. I looked at her parents and they just laughed, must have thought it

was "Cute"... What the hell is going on, OBVIOUSLY you shouldn't let your kid do that???? Right??????? Right????

 

So then this guy asks for "Stairway". Hahahaha, very funny.

 

Then another guy.

 

Then, another guy.

 

OK, whatever.

 

 

THEN,

 

I decide to take a break since I had played for an hour, and this kid comes up to me and says,

 

"I know you're not really playing. I can see your hand move, it doesn't match the strumming".

 

Well, of course it doesn't match the strumming THAT'S WHY I RECORDED THAT SO I COULD PLAY

SOMETHING with IT THAT *doesn't* MATCH THE FREAKIN STRUMMING. HELLO!!!?????

 

Some people actually started laughing, it was ridiculous. Another former student was sitting a few seats back

(tall skinny innocuous guy, notice him? You wouldn't know he's got a number of blackbelts and is going to

do weapons katas in front of Chuck Norris next week...).... anyhow, HE starts laughing, says something like "this should be funny"..... So I said "ok, fine", did that admittedly lousy

chord melody version of Little Wing solo... I suppose he thought I faked that as well, because HE WENT AND

TOLD *everybody* IN THE BUILDING I WASN'T REALLY PLAYING GUITAR!

 

"?"?"""????

 

I mean, it's pretty obvious I'm playing to backing tracks, I just assume people would realize if I'm playing a melody

over a rhythm guitar part IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO PLAY BOTH PARTS AT ONCE.... But maybe not? I'm going loony because I'm starting to second guess the nature of "reality" now - I'm not sure what's "normal" or "expected" anymore..

 

 

I really loused up that Wayne Shorter tune as well when you came in, I should have just stopped and done a sound check

before doing that, never played it before. Could not hear anything. But that's ok, since I apparently WASN'T REALLY PLAYING, ANYHOW.

 

So then, the Stairway guy comes up and goes "hey... like, could you do Stairway like you did the Hendrix song, but mix

that song you did of yours 3 tunes ago in with it, and add like some wind sounds?"... So I'm thinking he's suggesting

I do this in the future, perhaps...

 

NO, HE MEANS right here, right NOW, wind sounds and all......

 

Amazing, the kid thinks I'm not playing at all, and this guy thinks I can whip up wind noises over a chord melody

version of Stairway combined with one of my own tunes that is really, really different, and... "whatever", ON THE SPOT...

 

Played a horrible chord melody take on Stairway, which I HATED doing to get him to leave me alone... uhg.

 

 

THEN

 

I notice the guy sitting in front of me to the right is SURREPTICIOUSLY RECORDING ME!

 

He's got a Creative Lab's Nomad, which is a disk-drive based MP3 player, that I know also has recording capability...

I look over and he's got this little microphone sitting on top of his duffel bag, real non-chalant like...

 

Weird, never seen this guy before... Probably playing recordings of my improvised Bach counterpoint stuff to his classical teacher or something for yuks, I dunno...

 

*****THEN..

 

 

Did the guy come up to you that was TAKING A SURVEY ON "how do you feel about fat?"????????? Let me type that for you once again,

 

 

DID THE GUY COME UP TO THAT WAS TAKING A SURVEY ON "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT FAT????"?????? What the FUG is with that???? He went up to everyone else while I was playing apparently. Just like that kid.

 

A friend was there with his gf, and he left because she goes "there's too many freaks here!". BORDERS BOOKS. Book store. Coffee shop. FREAKS. Great.

 

Then what was really strange was that a guy I had never met before caught the pun in the title of the song "Hardly Chipped", being a

reference to Chris Hardy... he knew *Chris*, but had never seen us play together. YET, he knew that refered to Chris

Hardy.

 

Impossible. He bought a cd, though. His wife even noticed I threw in part of Hendrix's "Waterfall" in "Little Wing", VERY cool obscure

reference, I can't believe she caught that. Weird.

 

So, on the way home, I'm driving down the road in my dillapidated self-destructing Saturn, and the "air bag" warning

light comes on and flashes a couple of times, then goes off.

 

 

WHAT'S WITH THAT??????????

 

Now I have the sensation I have a shotgun pointed at my face while driving. My starter had started dying on me yesterday, I suppose somehow there

might be an electrical problem now, but... frick.

 

I'm just tired of weird. Get this, today a new student says while tuning "there's something wrong with my E string" - so I think

he's talking about it being old, having a dent, or it won't tune... I see that it'll basically tune, but "whatever..."

End of the lesson he's walking out and aggitatedly goes "I thought we were going to fix my E string?"...

 

 

?

 

I tell him "well, you can buy single strings, they're about $.80"...

 

He says "no, look that's not it".

 

?

 

Bottom line:

 

What he REALLY was getting at was that his ACTION was too high. He wanted me to setup his guitar. He got

mad at me because I didn't "get" that.

 

 

"!!?!?!"

 

YESTERDAY,

 

Brian recommends this potential student to me.

 

Picture Albert Collins with no teeth and less enunciation.

 

The guy gives me a deposit on a time slot.

 

ME: "OK, I'll see you next tuesday at 3:00, ok?"

 

VAGRANT LOOKING ALBERT COLLINS: "is that at night or in the daytime?"

 

 

ME: "????????????????????????????????????????????????????"

 

 

Ed, the other guy that used to be my student that works there, witnessed that....

 

I'm losing my mind.

 

Anyhow, thanks for coming out even though it sucked and was rather surreal in a non-entertaining way. Did you notice the Bill Frisell guy sitting in the middle? Amusing....

 

----------------

 

------------------

New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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Well Chip, when I first started reading your post I had a reply in mind, something like *well, those that aren't musicians don't understand how much work goes into etc.* but then I kept reading!.

 

What can you say, some parents don't give a shit what their kids do. we routinely have a couple over at my place for parties that NEVER pay attention to what their kids do, drives me nuts. The only reason we invite them anymore is the gentleman has been a friend of mine for quite a while and I wouldn't feel right not inviting them.

 

well, Stairway, what can you say about that http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

 

And well, to be blunt, WHO GIVES A SHIT WHAT SOME PUNK KID THINKS!!!! Let him spend many years learning a craft and becoming very proficient at it then MAYBE he can talk.

 

One thing to keep in mind, and I know you know this. People are stupid!!! especially when it comes to the technicality of music. Being an instructor I'm sure you've had the students that took a few lessons and then quit once they realized it was *work*.

 

Never base your opinion of yourself as a player on the OPINION of some moron who has never taken a lesson. I know you know that Chip, just reinforcing it. And I think it's a shame that an ex student of yours would spread *tales* like that, if anything they should know better and spread the TRUTH. Maybe he was just trying to make himself look better in his own eyes.

 

You're one hell of a guit player Chip, I've listened to some of your tunes and read some of your posts. That knowledge does not come cheaply, and do not let some chump ex student or uninformed listener lessen it for you.

 

As far as the car goes, man, talk about bad timing!! What can ya do.

 

Just my opinion anyways, adjusted by a LITTLE Bicardi Limon http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Take it as you will.

 

 

This message has been edited by Stratman on 07-01-2001 at 05:48 AM

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Let me guess, Chip,

 

Then you woke up and hollered that you would never again eat Crab Newburg before going to bed.

 

(I believe "Crab Newburg" was the scapegoat author Bram Stoker gave when asked "Whatever caused you to conceive of such nightmares?" about his then-new novel "Dracula").

 

Your account really does sound like a bad dream, Chip. Sure it wasn't??? Maybe it would help to think of it along those lines...

"Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine"
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So I'm thinking Lithium, or maybe Valium...

 

Ohhh... not for you Chip, you're OK... for all the wacko's you meet! Just tell everyone they're chicklets and hand them out wherever you go!!! Smiles for Miles... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

 

BTW, I had an old Ford Taurus a while back where the airbag light came on... I talked to a dealer and the good news was, it doesn't mean it's about to punch you in the face... On the other hand, it probably does mean that the sensor that WOULD fire it out in case of an akky isn't working properly... meaning in a crash, your face may make a slight indentation in the steering wheel... Ouch. So wear your seatbelt religiously, (but you probably already do that right?), and try to avoid a head-on bumper car thing.

 

Oh yeah, they told me the sensor CAN be replaced... it only would cost about $300 or so... Another Ouch!, (cause they have to remove and replace the whole bag)... so I never did it... and I lived!

 

Your survial rate may vary.

 

Hey, where do I sign up for one of those 3:00 AM lessons?

 

guitplayer

I'm still "guitplayer"!

Check out my music if you like...

 

http://www.michaelsaulnier.com

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Chip,

 

I can relate. i teach music at two elementary shcools. K to 5th grade. Mostly it's getting the kids to sing a variety of songs in their classroom.

 

I use a Fender Jumbo acoustic guitar. If look up the hole of the guitar you can see a nine volt battery used to power the internal pickups.

 

Too frequently a child sees the battery and then accuses me of not playing the guitar. That the guitar is playing intself annd the evidence is the battery. This hasn't happened once, it happens at least twice month. Go figure. I see 450 kids a week. I need a new job.

 

But I can identify with your tale of misery. Misery can seem to be on a roll. I remember running a small construction business. I underbid a large job, was having trouble meeting payroll, crditors the IRS. I consiously think this can't get any worse and then my car's oil light goes on the car freezes and I need $2000 to replace the engine.

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Originally posted by jtegan@tiac.net:

Chip,

 

I can relate. i teach music at two elementary schools. K to 5th grade. Mostly it's getting the kids to sing a variety of songs in their classroom.

 

I use a Fender Jumbo acoustic guitar. If look up the hole of the guitar you can see a nine volt battery used to power the internal pickups.

 

Too frequently a child sees the battery and then accuses me of not playing the guitar. That the guitar is playing itself and the evidence is the battery. This hasn't happened once, it happens at least twice month. Go figure. I see 450 kids a week. I need a new job.

 

But I can identify with your tale of misery. Misery can seem to be on a roll. I remember running a small construction business. I underbid a large job, was having trouble meeting payroll, creditors the IRS. I consciously think "this can't get any worse" and then my car's oil light goes on the car freezes and I need $2000 to replace the engine.

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Thanks everyone for your sympathies. I figure at least these things are probably entertaining from an "outside" perspective so I should share. Maybe someone can make a sitcom out of it. Ha.

 

Direct from purgatory,

Chip

 

------------------

New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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That's awesome that you have this connection with some of your students...e-mailing them and so forth. I have to say that you have some of the most interesting/funny in the depressing way posts. Luckily, I'm at the age where I don't have a job or leave the house so I have to meet these nutcases. I used to work at a car wash and you would be amazed at what you'd find in people's cars; so if I imagine having to spend 30 minutes having to teach those people something I can sympathize.

 

These stories are great.

 

Joey

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Wow, Chip... sorry you had such a brain-melter of a day! It must be a Borders thing! The most bizarre show I ever played was at Borders (I have since blocked most of the trauma from my memory).

 

"I know you're not really playing. I can see your hand move, it doesn't match the strumming".

 

To which you simply reply, "I know you're not really thinking. I can see your mouth move, but nothing you say makes sense."

 

Played a horrible chord melody take on Stairway, which I HATED doing to get him to leave me alone... uhg.

 

A lesson to be learned: Never play something that doesn't please you just to please somebody whose opinion means nothing.

 

DID THE GUY COME UP TO THAT WAS TAKING A SURVEY ON "HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT FAT????"?????? What the FUG is with that???? He went up to everyone else while I was playing apparently.

 

Wow! I can't even begin to comment on that!

 

Maybe someone can make a sitcom out of it.

 

OK... Let's pitch it to Fox. They'll put ANYTHING on the air! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif

Scott

(just another cantankerous bastard)

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Originally posted by SatoriJoe:

That's awesome that you have this connection with some of your students...e-mailing them and so forth.

 

I try. I have a big connection with a lot of my students... A former student now teaches guitar at the same place I do, another works at the counter. A considerable amount of the guitar players in bands in town are former students... Played in a band with a former student on bass, another who I didn't even realize I used to teach when I started out until we'd been doing gigs for over a year. Just got another "you changed my life, man" email form a former student a few days ago. One would think I

do missionary work sometimes...

 

Makes it worthwhile, despite the dead end pay scale and funny twitch I develope when I hear the words "show me "Freebird"..

 

I have to say that you have some of the most interesting/funny in the depressing way posts.

 

Thanks, one tries. Unfortunately I have many thousands of those stories...

 

 

Why do I feel like Bernard Shaw hiding under a table in Bahgdad these days? Oh well.

 

------------------

New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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i say keep a can of "cheeze wiz" nearby on stage. if people act up, spray 'em good with it..... of course there will still be some idiot who want to know why there aren't any crackers to go with the cheese....

 

 

-d. gauss

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Chip...I read your post some time ago, and while I enjoyed it, at you're expense, I'm sorry to say, I couldn't help thinking... where is this guy's PRIDE???!!!

 

I mean, c'mon. Unless you wouldn't be able to eat that night without doing the gig, I think it was a perfect opportunity for the "frustrated artist can't-take-it-any-more I am OUTTA HERE scene!!!!

 

Just what caliber gun was it that they were holding to your head?

 

Don't get me wrong- I pride myself on my professionalism, but how professional is it to do a song, just to shut someone up?

Or to tolerate someone- regardless of age- messing with your equipment?

 

Sorry to get on ya, dude, but...jeez

 

Steve

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Originally posted by ricknbokker:

where is this guy's PRIDE???!!!

 

It was hiding behind a door marked "Maintaining Sanity". I was so taken aback I was more confused than anything....

 

Just what caliber gun was it that they were holding to your head?

 

The caliber was of the distinctive "the only place at the moment in town that will let me do my spacy-improv whatever-I-feel like gig" and pay me for it. Peanuts, but....

 

It's one gig where students can come see me play, and I have the opportunity to play to people that aren't there just to get drunk. To be honest - it's a great gig: people sit there and actually listen to what you do, and are open minded about it. I don't smell like smoke when I get home, either.

 

So I like the gig in general. I'm locked in to being payed peanuts, and it's not enough to motivate me to really do it right - which sucks more than anything else - but it's an outlet for my acoustic stuff. Besides, that's mild weirdness compared to other gigs I've done, believe me. I guess you missed the post about the gig featuring drunk clowns requesting Green Day?

 

If I had my druthers I wouldn't do it, but I don't so I do. It buys the groceries for about a week.

 

professional is it to do a song, just to shut someone up?

Or to tolerate someone- regardless of age- messing with your equipment?

 

I never throw tantrums, it's not what I'm there for. Like I said, I can't remember when I haven't had an "odd" gig...

 

RIGHT NOW SOMEBODY JUST SLAMMED ON BRAKES OUTSIDE MY HOUSE

 

Interesting... the starter is broke on my car so I've parked it on the street tonight since I have to pop the clutch while it's rolling to get it started. A student is hopefully going to give me a deal tomorrow at the Mitsubishi dealership he runs the parts department at.... So I don't normally park my car out there.

 

This kid in an old Buick/Kcar something-or-other almost plowed into it - HE WAS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, ran out there and he was driving around it...

 

SO ANYWAY, like I said, it seems I've got a fairly high strangeness coefficient happening in my life.

 

When I did that gig last month, it was actually worse....

 

I show up after work on saturday - I have 30 minutes between my last lesson and when I'm supposed to start there. I set the VS-880 up (my backing tracks, the stuff on the web page minus the melody bits/solos), and try to do a quickie (as in "blip") soundcheck...

 

The p.a. doesn't work.

 

Long story short: the horns were fried in the little 2 way cabs, and the input jack on one had a short.

 

So I'm sitting there, playing my Deeply Introspective and Moody Acoustic Guitar Stuff and suddenly

 

"BOOOOOoooooOORRRRRNK!!!" the p.a. freaks out (the speaker cable was being shorted).

 

People thought that was funny. Hahah.

 

Or, I'd be doing the Getting Intense With the Soloing" bit and then suddenly "booonk....sshhhhhffffffff f f f f f f"..

 

No high end at all.

 

Not that there was any to begin with - I had a nice semi-distorted intermodulated crinkly wolf-tone ever present the whole time anyhow form the fried drivers...

 

This is an hour into the gig. By now friends have shown up, people have accumlated, there's maybe a tight crowd of 100 or so people watching.

 

So I have to stop because the horns are crinkly, dropping in and out. So I spend 30 minutes taking the horns out and disconnecting them, and then I had to run the rest of the night going full-range through a pair of 12"'s.

 

Wait, not exactly: you have to wrap the speaker cable on one cabinet around a chair so there's tension on it, so that it works. Sometimes. Drops in an out. Makes attaining a Level of Artistic Expression fairly impossible.

 

 

That was *last* time. This time wasn't so bad. Besides, since I've figured out I'm locked into Peanut Pay, I don't do my regular Highly Tricky and Complex Arrangements and just improv over simple jazz standards and "Moody Acoustic Backing Bits Specifically Recorded For this Gig to Make Life Easier". In other words, no real practice.

 

Which sucks, but... it's a gig, and they pay me to play guitar, and applaud. One day I'll be able to afford to get that "sucker" tattoo dermabraded from my forehead....

 

------------------

New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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Well, Chip...I must admit, you're a better man than me.

 

In the span of your two posts, you've pretty much summed up why I only play out two or three times a year.

 

I'm just entirely too old for that crap anymore.

 

Rest assured, however, that I will continue to enjoy your 'gigs from hell' posts.

 

I'm still wiping eyes from the last one! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

Too funny.

 

Steve

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Originally posted by ricknbokker:

Rest assured, however, that I will continue to enjoy your 'gigs from hell' posts.

 

I don't know why I just remembered this one, but:

 

 

Cover band gig at a restaurant in nearby town, 20 miles away (Aiken S.C.).

Strange gig to begin with: fine dining resturant, linen tablecloths, etc. during the day. You get there around 7, and load in through the front - *while there's still people eating*... Which is sort of weird to begin with.

 

So anyhow, I drive all the way over there. Maybe the second time we played there. I arrive to realize in my haste I've forgotten my midi cable for my foot controller. I *could* use my distortion pedal the whole night... But thinking about the compromise bugged the hell out of me, and I figured I could make the round trip back to Augusta and back in time.

 

So, I haul zoonies back home.

 

Once in Augusta I have to drive on this extreamly rolling road that connects a highway to another highway. Fun road; you can really feel the negative and positive G's on the hills, they're very steep. I find myself driving behind a guy with a bass boat tied into the back of his import truck.

 

He goes over a hill in front of me, and the bass boat slides out the back of his truck, right in front of my (then) Honda Accord. We were going about 30; I bonk the boat and knock it off the road.

 

I pull over because hey - I want to see if this messed up the front of my car!

 

However, the redneck pulls over in front of me and gets out, yelling and cussing:

 

"What the FUCK do you think you're doing boy??? You gonna be buying me a new boat! (etc.)"

 

I sit in my car and think: "now... didn't HIS boat fall out of HIS truck? Isn't that HIS fault????"

 

I got out and looked at the front end - no apparent damage. I was in a hurry. I told him "your lucky day", got in my car and left with him yelling "I got your tag".. etc... (what did I miss? The way *I* figure is that if his stupid boat had messed up MY car he would have to pay for it, but...????????)

 

OK, whatever.

 

I get to my apartment, grab the cable and leave.

As I'm leaving my apartment the following occurs:

 

To leave the complex you have to drive between two 10' high hills that two buildings are perched on.

 

As I'm leaving, I see this little kid on a bike sitting on top of one of these hills (with about a 30 degree grade to them, offset maybe 20' from the road). Just sitting there.

 

I'm in the complex, so I'm driving about 5 mph. I see the kid and think "that doofus kid is going to start rolling down the hill the moment I'm next to him".

 

I'm basically adjacent to him going even slower now. Sure enough the kid starts rolling down the hill; I stop - I didn't want to gun it, and the kid ROLLS INTO MY CAR at the rear quarter panel.

 

Let's review this, shall we?

 

I'm stopped, and the kid slowly rolls into the back of my car. Bump.

 

I get out - the kid is alright - I don't even think he fell over, but he's scared... "sorry mister", etc... No real damage to the car.

 

Long story short: I get home from the gig to find the kid's parent has left a note on my door saying their attourney will be contacting me about the law suit.

 

!!!!?!??!?!

 

The next day I talked to the kid's parents... who were basically irrational, admitted their kid said HE rolled into ME, but that I left the scene of an ACCIDENT, and I should be in JAIL, and they can't BELIEVE it, and etc...

 

Whatever.

 

Later that night they called back an apologized. Whatever.

 

The gig went "ok". I don't really remember much about it - except girls dancing on the bar and the free gourmet food - thanks to the "fun" I had getting there.

 

------------------

New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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Chip

 

Whilst we all have our share of disasters and find a way to deal with them, I have to say I take my hat off to ya http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif On reading your posts I can't imagine how you deal with this kinda crap and stay sane, but that was the point huh? True we are expected to suffer for our art but I guess there's a limit. My 2 cents for what its worth would be to take a holiday and chill for a week or so, finances allowing of course, it looks like you could use a sane week unencumbered by life's loonies....... but there again you are the President of the loony assoc. anyway as I recall http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif

Reeeeeeeelax man, take a break and recharge the brain batteries before the brain batters you.

 

 

Simon

...remember there is absolutely no point in talking about someone behind their back unless they get to hear about it...
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What is this "va-ca-tion" thing I keep hearing about?

 

 

I can't do that, that's too unproductive. The money spent just goes "poof!" into nothingness!

 

On the other hand, I can sleep soundly at the beach. Puts me out.

 

TECHNOLOGY I NEED NOW:

 

 

The Virtual Beach Front Hotel Room

 

It looks like a sliding glass door. Pull it open and you see a perfect 3D ultra-high res image of the ocean, replete with little fishing boat blinking off at the horizon, sea gulls flying about, atmospheric effects... The wind is continuously variable in moisture content and temperature, and blows exactly "blustery" (note that at the beach, the wind doesn't just come in one direction and speed, nor does it have just one temperature or dampness to it; all of that is variable).

 

Sea salt scent is provided.

 

The sound is the tricky part. Some beaches sound better than other beaches. I like beaches that get loud at times, crashing, then settle (imagining now, actually)... You'd have to be able to program in the right blend of "crashing/retreating "shhhhhhhshhh"/ambient wind/gulls, with the ever-so-important option of "external A/C unit". Very important.

 

High humidity room air, slightly warm (maybe about 78 degrees), but with a chilly bed. Very important.

 

When all of that is properly chaotic - blissful slumber.

 

I've tried recordings of "ocean sounds" - but even with one that lasted 30 minutes I started noticing patterns... not to mention other technical problems.

 

Oh well. That's too rich for my blood, virtual or otherwise. Had fun thinking about it, though.

 

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New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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I was reading an interview with Jeff Buckley and this quote completely reminded me of this thread.

 

"And it wasn't easy at first. I mean, when I first walked into Sin-é or the Cornelia Street Cafe, people talked their asses off. They didn't want to hear it. And that was a problem and it made me frustrated. Until I made the audience a part of the music. Until I made those sounds part of the music like they were samples on a record. They were actually an interactive part of what I was playing and was going to sing. And then all of a sudden I just fell into a rhythm and I learned about what it means when the audience is responsible partly for the experience. I'm determined to start from that space again with a band. I want to get the band ready to go into these intimate places and learn how to make big magic in little areas. Things that you just can't forget."

 

-- Jeff Buckley

 

People just don't wanna listen, it's not you. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif

 

Joey

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Originally posted by popmusic:

There's *got* to be a computer program out there which simulates the sound of the ocean and does it all randomly, so you can't look for patterns like you could on a CD.

 

There isn't, not that I've found. There are programs that make white-noise sweeps that are *sort* of like "ocean waves" - but it's not as chaotic. There's a ratio of low to high frequency harmonics that are particularly pleasant - I don't think there's probably a lot of people sitting around contemplating worrying about emulating such a thing.

 

HOWEVER

 

In the game _Myst_ the Rand brothers did make some recordings that are very environmentally pleasant - although they do have a repetive nature to them, they still "relaxing" somewhat. I tried leaving that game running a few times on those scenes, but the computer makes too much noise... and I supect the periodicity to them would go from "relaxing" to "unnerving" within an hour, anyhow.

 

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New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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Originally posted by Chip McDonald:

TECHNOLOGY I NEED NOW:

 

The Virtual Beach Front Hotel Room

 

It looks like a sliding glass door. Pull it open and you see a perfect 3D ultra-high res image of the ocean, replete with little fishing boat blinking off at the horizon, sea gulls flying about, atmospheric effects... The wind is continuously variable in moisture content and temperature, and blows exactly "blustery" (note that at the beach, the wind doesn't just come in one direction and speed, nor does it have just one temperature or dampness to it; all of that is variable).

 

Sea salt scent is provided.

 

The sound is the tricky part. Some beaches sound better than other beaches. I like beaches that get loud at times, crashing, then settle (imagining now, actually)... You'd have to be able to program in the right blend of "crashing/retreating "shhhhhhhshhh"/ambient wind/gulls, with the ever-so-important option of "external A/C unit". Very important.

 

High humidity room air, slightly warm (maybe about 78 degrees), but with a chilly bed. Very important.

 

When all of that is properly chaotic - blissful slumber.

[/b]

 

Sounds a lot like Ray Bradbury's "The Veldt" from the book, The Illustrated Man

 

If you know it, Chip, you'll remember the two kids create a jungle, complete with lions. They lure they're parents in, lock the door, and you're left to believe the "lions" devour mom and dad. Just for forcing the poor children to take a back-to-the-real-world holiday from the holographic room and all the other high tech gadgetry in their home.

 

Be careful what you wish for! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

 

I could fill pages with the story of our current bus. (This is the busiest season for touring and NOBODY seems to have a bus available.) Suffice it to say, we've had little A/C, no satellite, the generator keeps dying (no video or DVD or recharging the cell phones that connect us back home!) and our first driver was not allowed into Canada! Turns out his driver's license was suspended! Thank goodness the bass player has his CDL and was already the alternate driver!

 

It may sound whiny, not having satellite, TV, etc. Trust me, when you're on a 50 hour straight run, with no A/C this time of year, sleep is difficult to come by. Entertainment can be had in other forms, but I guess we just assume we don't have to provide it when there are movies to watch.. when the damn TV works. We finally bought a deck of cards near the end of the long run. I won't make THAT mistake again.

 

As for the goofballs, you must have a goofball magnet embedded in your skull. Just reverse the polarity and you'll be j-u-s-t f-i-n-e! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

 

The good news is, like audio phasing, positives and negatives coincide and diverge in various cycles. Maybe next month you'll have all the positives lined up in your favor. Good luck http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif

 

 

 

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Neil

 

Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity.

It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman

 

Soundclick

fntstcsnd

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Originally posted by fantasticsound:

Sounds a lot like Ray Bradbury's "The Veldt" from the book, The Illustrated Man

 

Yeah, I've read most everything Bradbury has written, but it's been a lonnnnnng time. Been thinking about picking up Farenheit 451 for kicks; I think it would probably be a little too spookily ironic these days...

 

 

As for the goofballs, you must have a goofball magnet embedded in your skull. Just reverse the polarity and you'll be j-u-s-t f-i-n-e! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

 

How does one reverse this goof-ball magnet? I'm starting to be called freak magnet by some people. The daily Weirdness Factor seems to be increasing, I don't know why.

 

The good news is, like audio phasing, positives and negatives coincide and diverge in various cycles. Maybe next month you'll have all the positives lined up in your favor. Good luck http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif

 

Curiously I had the idea many years ago when chaos theory was all the rage that there must be coefficients that describe the way social interaction is *likely* to occur. That things that seem to be what Jung considered "synchronistic" are really just perturbations of a phenomena that exceeds our computational awareness. I don't believe in "luck", but I'm starting to believe in the concept that one can tweak one's position in the sociological mix a certain way that could have repercussions exceeding expectations - in a way that's seemingly non-related. The butterfly-effect in a social sense.

 

Somehow, I must have done something that was so off-camber to what I should have done I've maybe perturbed fate into deciding I'm going to be it's punching bag.... Like there's a cosmic balancing mechanism and I'm constantly ticking it off by not picking a normal thing on te menu, or some such....

 

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New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald

Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com

Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/

 

/ "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien

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