DrummerCafe Posted July 24, 2001 Share Posted July 24, 2001 23RD PSALM FOR BASSISTS The Lord is my drummer; I shall not rush. He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places; He leadeth me beside cool meter changes; He restoreth my "one." He leadeth me in the right repeats For His name's sake. Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps, I will fear no train wrecks; For You are with it; Your ride and Your snare, They comfort me. You setteth up a solo for me In the presence of mine guitarists; You annointeth my lines with drive; My groove overflows. Surely good feel and swing will follow me All the tunes of each set; And I will dwell in the pocket The whole gig long. ------------------ Bart Elliott http://bartelliott.com Drummer Cafe - community drum & percussion forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrummerCafe Posted July 24, 2001 Author Share Posted July 24, 2001 A wagon train circles and camps for the night. When Indian tom toms are heard in the distance, the head of a wagon rushes to the wagonmaster saying, "I don't like the sound of those drums." From behind one of the wagons, an Indian scout discreetly says, "not regular drummer." Drummer Cafe - community drum & percussion forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrummerCafe Posted July 24, 2001 Author Share Posted July 24, 2001 A drummer goes to play a gig in a club, shows up early, sets up and sits down at the bar to have a drink. "When does the rest of the band get here?" he asks the bartender. "They come together and should arrive soon." he answers. Well, it gets to be time for the gig and the rest of the band is not there yet. So the drummer says, "I think I'll go ahead and start." He plays a nice business man's bounce and everyone gets up and starts dancing. Then he plays a cha-cha and it's party time; the dance floor is packed. Next he gets his brushes and plays a slow ballad and everyone is cuddling their sweethearts. Someone comes up to him and says, "Would you play Misty?" In an extremely irate tone of voice, he says, "What in the hell do you think I just played?!" Drummer Cafe - community drum & percussion forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agogobil Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz it up'?" Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G# minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in ? time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!" She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!" Keyboard player responds, "Well, it shouldn't be--that's how you sang it last night!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ian1642605905 Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 Good ones!Laughter is good medicine! ian* ian* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
agogobil Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 At his appearance in Piermont, NY October 1998, Dan Hicks was tuning up the band (Tom Mitchell on guitar and Carolyn Dutton on violin) in mid-show when he said "OK, that's good. That's enough." A slight pause, then "Don't wanna tune up too much, ladies and gentlemen. Makes the singin' sound bad". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lockbody Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 Q. Did you hear about the guitar player who locked his keys in the car? A. It took 2 hours to get the drummer out. There was a bandleader who had a problem with a drummer who dragged. After trying to work with him for quite a while, the bandleader couldn't take it anymore and finally fired him. The drummer was so sad he went down to the railway station and threw himself behind a train. And lastly Q. What phrase is quoted by more drummers than any other? A. Would you like to Super Size that? Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week. Bob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djarrett Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 Here is a funny drummer violations redux. Typical citation given from the drum police! Enjoy! DJ NAME OF DRUMMER: __________________________________ DRUMMERS REAL NAME: _______________________________ (other than "sticks", "backbeat", "snake", "drowned-out" ... etc.) DATE OF OFFENSE(S): _____ / _____ / _______ Setup / Equipment Offenses: [1] Brings a 36" bass drum........................................$25. [2] Has more than one bass drum...................................$100. [3] Brings a 10" deep snare (for a solid back beat) ..............$50. [4] Brings more than 2 mounted toms ..............................$25. [5] Has a tubular chrome bar that holds all his mounted toms .....$50. [6] Brings more than one floor tom................................$25. [7] Brings more than one crash cymbal ............................$25. [8] Doesn't bring a ride cymbal...................................$250. [9] Brings a 46" Chinese gong (for big endings)...................$75. [10] Brings two timpani (for really big endings)..................$100. [11] Doesn't bring any brushes....................................$300. [12] Has a hi-hat that is welded shut.............................$250. [13] Asks leader where he can plug in his headphones .............$200. [14] Wears old black Nike sneakers on tux gig.....................$50. [15] Tunes snare drum during the benediction......................$175. Playing Offenses: [1] Plays eighth note rock ballad style on "Stardust".............$150. [2] Pretends to read chart with big band..........................$25. [3] Actually reads drum part for big band (note for note).........$200. [4] Asks bass player "Where are we?" on "Happy Birthday".................$100. [5] Plays disco beat on "A Train".................................$200. [6] Takes fours on "The Bride Cuts the Cake"......................$100. [7] Takes a break when the leader says "A request for Take 5"...........$25. [8] Actually tries to play on "Take 5"............................$150. [9] Asks leader what brushes are..................................$250. [10] Plays breaks in "Cute" with sticks.............................$50. [11] Plays breaks in "Cute" on timpani............................$100. [12] Plays breaks in "Cute" on Chinese gong.......................$250. Other Miscellaneous Offenses: [1] Mentions to host that "DJs are the wave of the future"......$100. [2] Is first in line at the party's buffet........................$50. [3] Asks where the "go away bags" are at the buffet line..........$100. [7] Is ten minutes late for the next set..........................$25. [8] Is twenty minutes late for the next set.......................$10. [9] Never shows up for the next set...............................$1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrummerCafe Posted July 25, 2001 Author Share Posted July 25, 2001 "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side." --Hunter S. Thompson Drummer Cafe - community drum & percussion forum Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mightydog Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 Okay-- The story goes that a band had lost their drummer and were in the process of looking for a new one. After many unsuccessful auditions, a rather ratty (rattier that usual?) drummer wandered in with a snare drum under his arm. Desperate, the band had him sit down to play. He was more than they expected. He was fantastic! Rehearsals picked up. With every song, he was better than before. He could make the fills light up. He kept a solid beat. The ballads were deeply moving--and all because of this unkempt, slightly smelly drummer. Finally, the set-list was ready. The band was going to re-appear in public once again. That night, the keyboard player (it's ALWAYS the keyboard player, you know) admitted to everyone that when he saw the drummer, he was a little worried. But with all of their reahersals, with all of their work, he thought they were better than they had ever been. The drummer replied, "...it's the least I can do, because I can't make the gig, man." I can't complain, but sometimes I still do... --Joe Walsh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrthirsty Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 Q: What does a drummer use for contraception? A: His personality!!!! Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 20! 1 to hold the bulb and 19 to drink until the room spins! Q: Why did the band only take 20 minute breaks in between sets? A: So they would'nt have to re-train the drummer! Q: If a dollar bill was lying in a room with Santa Clause, the Easter Bunny, a drummer with good time, and a drummer with bad time. Who would pick up the the dollar first? A: The drummer with bad time of course! Since the other 3 don't exist. This message has been edited by mrthirsty on 07-25-2001 at 03:17 PM Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
drumtrav Posted July 25, 2001 Share Posted July 25, 2001 ---------A Drummer's Dictionary----------- A Acoustics n: relative reflectiveness of a room Commonly described as either "live, in which drums sound like aluminum cans, or dead," in which drums sound like sacks full of oatmeal Artistry n: aesthetic value in a drummers playing that is inversely proportional to income Aversion n: drummers' feelings toward day jobs B Ballad n: interminable song form that allows drummers to exhibit selflessness Bass Player n: musician with unusually broad shoulders designed to carry drummers Black Hole n: absolute void in the physical universe that, if opened, would be found to contain 1,677,942 cymbal stand wing nuts and 9,764,338 drumkeys C Chart (drum) n I: baffling and misleading musical instructions written by non drummers with little or no knowledge of the instruments capabilities or notation standards 2 : exercise in bar counting Chiropractor n: type of agent who receives regular cash dues from drummers Click n : electronic device used in recording to eliminate any semblance of humanity Clone n: drummer sub-species that propagated by the thousands after hearing Steve Gadd Cymbal n : high-priced metal disk that. when struck, offends the ears of other musicians D Devolution n: term used to describe changes in rock drumming history between Mitch Mitchell and Tré Cool. Drop v: what most drummers do with a drumstick as soon as a spotlight is on them Dynamics n: subtle variations in volume from loud to louder E Energy n : feeling of strength and enthusiasm necessary for strong drumming (most noticeable during ballads) Eon n : average length of a ballad Engineer n: 1 person driven insane by the resonance of drums and cymbals. 2 person with an unnatural love of duct tape F Fidget n : activity performed by drummers during tacet passages Fill n: flurry of notes played by a drummer as an attention-getting device Fortitude n: a characteristic required of drummers at the end of the last set. as when they find out their wedding gig has been extended by two hours Futility n: a diligent, persistent practice whose ultimate goal is to emulate Buddy Richs left hand G Gate n : sophisticated recording device intended to make a $1,000 snare drum sound like a piece of cardboard Girlfriend n : a drummers landlord Gratis adj :average pay rate for a JaZZ gig H Hell a n : drummers term for self-employment Heresy n : a refusal to play with a click Hi-Hat n : a mechanical device designed to mute the sound of two cymbals by trapping air between them I Imagination n : I (archaic) lost element of drumming. once necessary for success 2 (modern) skill at programming electronic percussion machines Indigent adj : fiscal status of a drummer lacking a girlfriend or a day job Ingrate n : a bandleader who asks a drummer to play less J Jam Session n : place where drummers go for self-flagellation Jazz Drumming n : style of drumming whose concepts are impossible to grasp by those born after 1950. Jelly n : substance a drummers brain turns into when watching a Buddy Rich video K Kick Drum n : modern term which relegates a musical instrument to the role of a soccer ball Knuckle n : part of drummers anatomy most often attacked by drum hardware K Zildjian n : cymbal erroneously believed to make young white drummers sound like Art Blakey L Labyrinth n : typical route from car to bandstand Legend n : drummers employer Logo n : conspicuous emblem on drum equipment deployed as free advertising M Mail n: fabled place where gig checks are said to reside Mezzo Piano adj: loud Mile n : average distance between drummer s vehicle and bandstand Monitor n : speaker that allows drummer to hear more clearly how bad the other musicians time is N Nail v : to strike a drum and/or cymbal with accuracy and emphasis, producing a sound that is at least twice as loud as all other instruments New Age Drumming n : style of drumming in which a drummer plays only whole notes Nuance n: aspect of drummers playing obliterated by guitar players volume O Outrage n : drummers emotional response after a cattle-call audition when ciency on the instrument (most noticeable someone else gets the gig. during ballads) Overcompensate v : play normally Overplay v: play normally P Percussionist (Classical) n: drummer who possesses strange. arcane knowledge, such as how to read music Percussionist (Ethnic) n : drummer who possesses strange, arcane knowledge, such as how to get a sound out of a conga drum Pocket n : inaccessible, mythical place in the space of a quarter note Q Quake v: universal response among drummers upon first hearing Dennis Chambers Quest n : futile search for the perfect ride cymbal Quota n: desirable number of licks played by a drummer during the course of a set R Rock Drumming n : style of drumming whose concepts are impossible to grasp by those born before 1950 Rudiments n : viral strains that infect musical ideas and turn them into mechanical exercises S Scuff n : unsightly. abnormal wearing that appears regularly on drummers tom shells, shoe tips. and pant knees Scuffle n : make a living Singer n 1 : person whose main function is to divert attention from the drummer 2. person with a mysteriously complex grasp of tempo Singer (Female) n : musicians wife Stick v : what a drummers hi-hat, bass pedal, or snare strainer will do at the most critical possible moment Syncopation n : overplaying T Technique n : ability to demonstrate proficiency on the instrument (most noticeable during ballads Tenure n : (archioic) secure job status once afforded competent drummers before the advent of sequencers and drum machines Time n : drummers martyrdom U Unpaid ad] : common characteristic of auditons Utility Bill n: minor irritation easily superseded by the need for a new crash cymbal V Vegetable n: : record producer Vent v: to express musical frustration (most noticeable during ballads) Vibrate v : what drums would do were it not for recording engineers W Wife n: roadie Wisdom n:: (archaic) quality lost to the drumming community with the passing of Papa Jo Jones Wreck n : drumset at end of a Green Day concert X Xenophobia n:: fear of that which is strange or foreign (experienced by jazz drummers upon hearing Dave Grohl) X-files n:: top-secret documents concerning gigs that pay cash Y Yawn n: drummers irrepressible. involuntary response to ballads Yes n: affirmative response given by working drummers when asked if they can play styles they have no knowledge of Youthful n: performance quality monopolized by Roy Haynes U Zero n: amount of pay remaining from a gig after factoring in mileage, gas, and bar tab Zillion n:: number of drummers who think they sound like Dave Weckl Zombie n:: drummer after a six-hour wedding gig From: Modern Drummer - By Ron Hefner Drumtrav Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rlhubley Posted September 20, 2001 Share Posted September 20, 2001 We all need some laughter this week. So, i thought i'd float this back up to the top Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
djarrett Posted September 20, 2001 Share Posted September 20, 2001 You are correct! Thanks, rlh DJ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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