Wife in the band? as a guest?

[Ross Brown]

I have an idea to help troubleshoot a potential problem for our band.

 

As our band continues to rehearse and prepare for gigging we continue to struggle with three issues:

 

1. Our lead singers voice may not last a whole night and his voice somewhat limits the types of songs that we can do. I am not sure that I would want to listen to a whole night of the types of songs that we do, without some variety.

 

2. We could use one more instrument (guitar, keyboard, whatever...) to fill out our sound.

 

3. The band leader is bent on getting out and playing as soon as we have 3 sets, even if they are marginal. I too cant wait to get back out on stage again but...

 

The previous incarnation of this band had two or three vocalists (the previous bassist and guitarist) so our singer has never gone the whole night.

 

We dont seem to get anywhere trying to audition for another vocalist/musician (I have thoughts on this too, but that is a separate issue).

 

Question/issue: I would like to have my wife try singing a few songs with the band. She has a beautiful voice and a lot of life in the way she carries herself. Problem#1: She has no performance experience. She might stink once she fronts a band. Problem#2: I worry that I would put the others in the band in an awkward position by suggesting that she gives it a try.

 

She and I can talk openly and if I think she is not pulling it off, she knows I will tell her. She worries about moving into my thing. I would love to have her try. She and I have worked together professionally (not music) before and really liked it.

 

She carries a tune better than our singer, has a beautiful voice and would sing songs that bring variety.

 

Would love to hear thoughts and/or experiences. Let it fly.

[Steve Force]

Have you bounced this idea off of your bandmates yet?

[Ross Brown]

Not yet. Wonder what the best approach would be?

[rumpelstiltskin.]

it worked for me. but my wife was the only singer. it did take some convincing of the other two guys that a. she could sing, and b. i wouldn't be her protector and we wouldn't be a unit.

 

but she also had plenty of stage experience in drama and choir. you may introduce the idea as a possibility first. it would be a good idea to have a list of songs you could add for her to sing. if they are open, try her for a few rehearsals. then vote on it.

 

my biggest concern in your situation is purely that she has no experience. that is the largest factor for me in being comfortable with musicians. people who know how to play with people are easier to play with people. ha. it will always be a lot easier to integrate someone who knows what they're doing than to have to teach someone while trying to find or make a place for them in the band.

 

but it can work, so good luck.

 

robb.

[Steve Force]

Including her might change the band dynamics, and not for the better...

 

Suggestion: You and her work out a couple of songs beforehand and during a rehearsal have her "ask" the band to sing a tune. Get the band to say "yeah."

 

If they like what they hear then you have won one of the many battles of having your wife in the band..

[Ross Brown]

She sang in choir. That is different. I did ask her to put together a very short list of songs and includ one or two that we already do. Then give it a try. She is working on it.

[Ross Brown]

Originally posted by forceman:

Including her might change the band dynamics, and not for the better...

 

Suggestion: You and her work out a couple of songs beforehand and during a rehearsal have her "ask" the band to sing a tune. Get the band to say "yeah."

 

If they like what they hear then you have one of the many battles of having your wife in the band..

Would change the dynamics. Dynamics aren't that great right now anyhow. I like these guys but something is missing.... hopefully would be good.

[Steve Force]

Then form a band around you and your wife.

 

Tabla Rasa.

[Ross Brown]

Maybe an idea, even if as a side project.... I like it. could be fall back if they don't go for it.

[jeremy c]

My wife and I have had a very long and happy marriage.

 

Our musical careers are very separate from each other. She is an expert at what she does and I am an expert at what I do (I hope ). We ask each other for advice but we do not work together.

 

I've played with many husband/wife groups and don't usually enjoy it.

 

Fleetwood Mac made one of the top albums of all time...with two couples in the band and both marriages in the process of disintegrating. I wonder what Mick Fleetwood and John McVie had to suffer through during the making of that album.

 

edit: oops, wasn't one of those divorces John and Christine McVie?

[Eric VB]

Well, I've had a sour experience in trying to get my girlfriend (now wife) into my band. (More correctly, the band I was in, as I was not the leader.)

 

The situation was similar in that she had no experience with the genre. This obviously put her at a disadvantage.

 

Long story short, she and the band leader didn't get along too well and I was put in the middle. Not good. It really doesn't matter whose side you choose; in the end neither party is too fond of you.

 

In another band, the drummer and his singing wife both were members. I ended up having more trouble with the drummer's best friend, who happened to play bass in the last band the guy was in. In this case it was definitely worse to be "the other bassist" of a "cheating drummer".

 

You could try taking that list your wife makes and go to the local karaoke hang out. It's not the same, but if there's a problem getting up and singing/performing in front of a room full of people, this may be telling. Also, it gives you a chance to objectively (as much as you can) judge how well your wife might do in front of a band.

 

It also gives you a chance to flex your own vocal muscles. Maybe there's at least one song you could sing for your band?

[Ross Brown]

I like the Karaoke thought. The guys in the band claim to be in it to have fun. I think it would be fun but I don't want to ruin their fun along the way... I wonder if they think their wives can sing??? oh no.....

[...]

That funk band I was in used to do Smokey Robinson's "Cruisin" as a duet whenever the lead singer's wife could make it to the gig. It wasn't every gig, but it was fun when she made it. I didn't think it was a big deal and I'm fairly certain that no one else in the band had a problem with it either.

[Gruuve]

Here's a thought...make them think it's their idea. Record some simple song with your wife, and somehow happen to let the band hear it. They may go "who's that?". You say "my wife". They say "Hmmm...think she might consider singing with us?". Set it up and see if it works.

 

The hard part will indeed be making it work once she's in, and that won't have anything to do with her talent.

 

Good luck!

Dave

[moot]

I just quit a bar band where the guitarists wife would sit in for 5 or 6 songs a gig.

He approached the drummer and I under the guise of bringing variety to the show and we agreed that the same basic set list for 5 years was a bit tired. She also had no experience and a wonderful voice but had no idea how to project that voice. Consequently, nobody could ever hear her. I totally dug singing harmonies though and we did some wonderful stuff. F-Mac, Cheryl Crow, B-52's, Alanis . . .

The dynamic did change however and not for the better. The guitarist was always somewhat of a control freak and this just gave him another toe hold to be the leader. I don't have a problem with a leader per se as long as they know how to lead. He most certainly did not.

Anyway, when he suggested we start to pay her I pretty much saw the writing on the wall and finally quit a band I had been in for 6 years - and trying to get out of for 3.

I also auditioned for a band that had a husband wife team who spent more time arguing over song structure than rehearsing. You'de think that to attract a good player you might just leave the bitchy bickering at home for a night wouldn't ya? Naturally I turned them down even though the drummer and I locked in immediately. Man that guy was good.

 

Just have a care how you approach your mates and you will be fine. And make sure your wife gets some good mic time in. Teach her to project and push. Tell her to sing as loud as she can any time she gets a chance.

 

Good Luck RB.

[Cozmicslop]

Do the band a favor and let her get some experience at some open mic's first. Just you and her doing some classics. She'll get comfy on stage and when she can hold her own throw her to the dogs, so to speak.

 

I subbed for a husband and wife metal band for awhile. It was no fun. They brought family fights to rehearsals. I've since had them both sub for me on separate occaisions and we got along great. It was wierd. I still like playing with both of them. Just not together.

 

btw. They've gotten divorced since then but still live together.

 

People are strange.

[LizzyD]

Generally speaking, if I was in a band and someone wanted their wife with no previous experience singing with a live band to come sing with us, I would probably say no. But that's me...and of course it would depend on the situation and the level of professionalism in the band as a whole. If it was just a fun project with friends, sure. If it was a working pro band, no.

 

That said, if the band has already been looking for another singer, what would be the harm in mentioning that your wife is interested in auditioning? It doesn't seem too much to ask to at least give it a try for one rehearsal and see how she does. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But if the band objects to the idea of having a spouse in the group, then you may as well forget it.

 

I have been in several bands with my husband, who is a drummer. We haven't had any big issues with it, we work well together and have a lot of fun. We leave personal crap at home and we are both well established as individual musicians.

 

Although there was one situation that got ugly which I will not go into too much here...but our being married made a bandleader's personnel decision-making more difficult, because we were all quite close as friends. In the end we both ended up out of the band and it was no fun for any of us, on an emotional level.

 

So naturally there are risks associated with working with spouses, but if everyone has professional attitudes it doesn't have to be a huge problem.

 

And what about you, can you sing at all, even a little? Why don't you give it a go on a couple songs? Another idea would be to do a few instrumentals to give the singer a break.

[EddiePlaysBass]

Well it's not the same, but for a while I was in the same band as my father. I actually brought him in, but that was upon the request of the other bandmates.

 

It worked out really well, as far as him and me goes. We ended up liking the idea of being in the same band and have discussed getting back together after the summer for a new project (we both quit that band after a few months).

 

Afterwards I was in a band with a bunch of teenagers ( ) and the drummer and the singer were dating. Didn't work out very well. So it all depends from one scenario to the next, I guess ...

[moot]

The prog band I'm in now is an interesting situation also. It's a 3 piece with 2 brothers and myself. Yes they do have their moments. The interesting part is their sister also plays guitar and is an amazing singer - and our biggest fan. Well, we recently had to let our singer go and . . .

As I said - interesting.

[bikertrash]

It works great. Just ask Yoko Ono.

[jeremy c]

Or the other players in Wings when Linda McCartney was singing and playing piano.

 

There are two questions in the original post.

 

Should we invite someone with no experience to join the band?

 

Should we invite someone who is the spouse of a bandmember into the band?

 

Unfortunately, "someone" is the same person.

 

If it doesn't work out, at least two people's feelings will be hurt.

 

If it does, the band dynamic will change drastically.

[Phil W]

Generally, I would say it would be a bad idea. The chances of hurt feelings are too great. If (sorry, when) there's a band dispute, the other guys will either assume you'll agree with your wife (or disagree, because she's your wife). She will never really know if she's in the band on merit or because she's married to you - even if she's as good as it appears. I'm speaking as someone who's previously had relationships with bandmembers. None of the bands or relationships lasted.

But, hey, every situation's different. There are plenty of couples that have made it work. Norah Jones and hubby for one!

[Chad Thorne]

Wife in band! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

 

I had a wife in a band once, never again. It helps that my current (and last) wife is not a musician, unlike the Psycho Nympho Bitch From Hell that I'm referring to (thank God I'm not bitter, that's the important thing...).

 

The only way I see it working is if you form a band around your wife and basically hire sidemen/women, employees who understand that you and your wife are the bosses and it's your way or the highway. Your current bandmates, like many musicians, may automatically react badly to your trying to bring your wife in and see it as a bad thing.

 

Sorry to be so negative. Good luck with everything.

[bruiser_dup2]

Originally posted by bikertrash:

It works great. Just ask Yoko Ono.

Ooh. Was that nice?

 

Actually, I think the Karaoke idea was the best so far. There's a big difference between knowing how to sing and knowing how to sing in front of a bunch of people. Karaoke should be a good test.

 

Ed

[Ross Brown]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. This is tricky for sure. She knows it is tricky and may be a terible idea. We are still thinking about it.

 

I know that I don't really want to play out without at least another vocalist to add variety, etc. I may record her and play it for the band first. May form side project instead.

[Rowbee]

Psycho Nympho Bitch From Hell?

 

At least it wasn't all bad.

[Chad Thorne]

Originally posted by Rowbee:

Psycho Nympho Bitch From Hell?

 

At least it wasn't all bad.

Or it wouldn't have been if she'd been Psycho with everyone else and Nympho with me, rather than the other way around...

[Big Daddy from Motown]

Just won't work. If it did work nobody else would want to be in the band.

[Tom Capasso]

Psycho Nympho Bitch From Hell? Wasn't that a lost Black Sabbath album

 

I've auditioned choir singers for band leads, and most of the time it doesn't work. I agree with the karaoke idea. The biggest issue is hearing yourself amidst the noise. Your band seems small enough, but singing around amplified instruments and drums is different than church.

 

My cousin and his wife have worked this out - it sounds like Lizzy and Pete's situation. They run the band (though recently they've done mostly duo work).

 

For myself, I suspect that the biggest issue may be the dynamics between you and Mrs. Brown (by the way, you have a lovely daughter). You will have a leadership/teaching role with your wife, and be "performing". She has to be the front person (albeit for only some songs), yet be somehow take a backseat to you while she's learning. For my marriage, that would be difficult. And what if she gets really good? Becomes one of those ego-driven divas? Flirts ever-so-slightly/completely-respectably with the crowd? Are you ready?

 

It could be some fun in a nice project. It could be great! It could ..... Just keep your wife first. For Jeremy and me (if she was in any way interested in musical performing), we'll lock the door when we come in

 

Tom

[randy clay]

This is an interesting issue. The one thing, well okay, not the ONLY thing she complains the most about is how much I'm out of the house, playing music while she has to sit at home. I see the option of having the wife in the band as the answer to that problem, we both go together. None of the "So what happened last night?" questions, you'd both have been there. Hah!!

 

But the reality of the situation is that it's a tough row to hoe. My wife and I have written songs together, and performed them (with our children) in public many times. We wrote children's songs and our kids were part to the "act". We have also done a "meet and greet"party for a hotel/time-share property in our area for about a year, again with the kids. My daughter sang and danced, my son played midi vibes and my wife was the emcee and dancer while I played guitar and sang. (and set up and broke down, naturally). We had fun, and had some issues of course, but decided we didn't want to do it for more than a year so the kids would not burn out and learn to resent doing the gig. It worked because it wasn't a "bar" although drinks were being served.

 

If my wife were a good piano or guitar player, I would love to make a band around the two of us, but alas, that's not the case. I just have to deal with the resentment that comes with being out some nights, and as a result, I'm working less than I could be too!

 

I hope you can make this happen, Ross....