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OT: John Cleese Letter


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A family member passed this on to me. We have good international representation here so I think we can all get a laugh out of it.

A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America.

 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

 

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

 

You will relearn your original national anthem .......'God Save The Queen.'

 

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.

 

If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

 

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

 

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

 

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

 

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

 

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

 

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

 

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

 

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

 

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

 

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

 

Thank you for your co-operation.

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Shouldn't this be on the SSS Political Party forum?

 

Oh yeah...we got rid of the political forum to avoid things like this.

 

Shouldn't this be over on the Harmony Central Political Slander and Gratuitous Insult site?

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

 

 

 

 

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Originally posted by Michael Aloysius O'Picker:

Shouldn't this be on the SSS Political Party forum?

 

Oh yeah...we got rid of the political forum to avoid things like this.

 

Shouldn't this be over on the Harmony Central Political Slander and Gratuitous Insult site?

Sometimes you have to RISE UP and FIGHT the power!......on someone elses internet music forum. :D

You can stop now -jeremyc

STOP QUOTING EVERY THING I SAY!!! -Bass_god_offspring

lug, you should add that statement to you signature.-Tenstrum

I'm not sure any argument can top lug's. - Sweet Willie

 

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As a U.S. citizen I have to say,

I'm very amused. :D

 

The questionaire would come back with about

4% of american noticing the loss of senate and congress

 

The cars thing wasn't true, you should see the little electric mice they call cars in england, everything's a freaknin' hatchback, The Japanese have it nailed.

 

SCREW YOU AND YOUR ENGLISH ENGLISH, ALL OF YOU ARE ALWAYS BEFUTTLED AND IT'S BECAUSE THE WORD "COLOR" HAS NO "U"

 

sorry, guys, we still don't know who actually shot JFK. and we still can't find that confounded Jimmy Hoffa

hmmm...
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Uh-huh.

 

We kicked their ass in the 1770s and saved it in the 1940s.

 

So tell them to bring it on.

 

I don't even want to go into the subject of the royal family. Two words: freak show.

"Tours widely in the southwestern tip of Kentucky"
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Originally posted by jcadmus:

 

I don't even want to go into the subject of the royal family. Two words: freak show.

And our current administration isn't a freak show? :rolleyes:

 

I nominate John Cleese for the job as governor. He's already been at the head of the Ministry of Silly Walks! :D

-- Joe --

 

"If you think you're too old, then you are." --Lemmy Kilmister

"I have not seen a man who is not god already." --Austin Osman Spare

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Originally posted by kenfxj:

Very funny. :D

 

Unfortunately...

Doh! I've been had...dang-it!

 

Let me state that I posted this because I enjoyed the humor; I'm not trying to start any trans-Atlantic bashing or national pride showmanship. This is (doubly) fictitious humor, nothing else. Put the fife and drum down and have a good laugh. I enjoy keen, dry British wit.

 

My deepest regret and apologies if I have "started something" here.

 

and now for something completely different.

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Originally posted by jmrunning3:

Originally posted by jcadmus:

 

I don't even want to go into the subject of the royal family. Two words: freak show.

And our current administration isn't a freak show? :rolleyes:

 

I nominate John Cleese for the job as governor. He's already been at the head of the Ministry of Silly Walks! :D

Compared to the last one, um, no.

 

Probably not a good idea to let this devolve into a political discussion or it will get censored by the moderators.

"Tours widely in the southwestern tip of Kentucky"
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Originally posted by loumalone:

Yeah, and...Whole notes are semibreves, half notes are minims, quater notes are crotchets and eighth notes are quavers.....so there. :thu:

Thanks for clearing this up. Seriously. I play Celtic fiddle (Scottish mostly :D ) and when I have encountered musical descriptions from the UK I have sometimes been perplexed.

 

So a semi-quaver is a 16th note and a demi-semi-quaver is a 32nd?

 

 

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And we shall all be required to purchase some shrubbery....

 

http://www.dailyllama.com/news/2002/images/knights_grail.jpg

My whole trick is to keep the tune well out in front. If I play Tchaikovsky, I play his melodies and skip his spiritual struggle. ~Liberace
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My dear forumites--

 

Before we even start to slap each other with donkeys and elephants, did anyone even bother to snopes this one out?

 

Look here

 

The article is a totally fabricated one. Mr. Cleese had about as much to do with that spammage as Barney the Dinosaur did.

"Women and rhythm section first" -- JFP
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Awww...crap! I usually avoid getting "taken in" by fabrications like this.

 

Hook....

 

Line...

 

Sinker...

 

I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay...

-- Joe --

 

"If you think you're too old, then you are." --Lemmy Kilmister

"I have not seen a man who is not god already." --Austin Osman Spare

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Originally posted by bottle12am:

My dear forumites--

 

Before we even start to slap each other with donkeys and elephants, did anyone even bother to snopes this one out?

 

Look here

 

The article is a totally fabricated one. Mr. Cleese had about as much to do with that spammage as Barney the Dinosaur did.

Ummmm....did you bother to read the thread?

 

That was pointed out many posts ago (see post number 4).

 

:thu:

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Also, according to Snopes, it originated in November 2000, during the time between the elelction and the official decision.

 

It is not aimed at a party or administration, it is aimed at the USA in general.

- Matt W.
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Originally posted by Luke73:

Originally posted by bottle12am:

My dear forumites--

 

Before we even start to slap each other with donkeys and elephants, did anyone even bother to snopes this one out?

 

Look here

 

The article is a totally fabricated one. Mr. Cleese had about as much to do with that spammage as Barney the Dinosaur did.

Ummmm....did you bother to read the thread?

 

That was pointed out many posts ago (see post number 4).

 

:thu:

That ambiguous link? I did read the thread, just don't have the time to entertain every unidentified hyperlink. I am too busy feasting on orangutans and breakfast cereals.

 

Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

"Women and rhythm section first" -- JFP
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