alexclaber Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Right, umm, this is really scary... Oh well, nothing ventured, nothing gained... Come on let me test-drive your life I'm bored with mine it's all too nice You've come back from your messy weekend sex, drink and drugs, a caustic blend Thought I didn't see you red raw eyes your vacuous stare did a few too lines So how was your ex, did he love you hard? your lusts and regrets, a cocktail bizarre Give yourself another year and see if it repeats again One of the perks of being a ladette is not acting used by men In your social group you're just one of the guys your ex is your mate with a tasty disguise Not a lager lout, never understood you likes to be around when you need a screw Don't live together, domesticity's sad together at weekends depending on fads When you've been out drinking you fall into his arms when you're sober it's all over but he's got unique charm Time will tell but wisdom is lonely it may be too late for you Flash a smile but it's weary and faded better hope that isn't the truth Feeding off a bundle of neuroses keeping your weight down with regular sneeze Tan yourself crisper and highlight your hair maintain husky vocals, no-one knows you care Brunette or ginger, blonde in your head blue-eyed generic, size eight or dead Buy recognition, sell your pride servile addiction, an easy slide That's all folks, let me have it! Alex Barefaced Ltd - ultra lightweight, high ouput, toneful bass cabs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alanfc Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Alex, I am so totally unqualified to give you tech advice, but I can tell you the way it hits me as your average human Your language is very colorful. After reading it I knew precisely the who this character was. I could relate it to other people in my universe. I can only offer one concern, that the opener "test drive" was an intruiging idea but it doesn't re-appear. It looks like the person you're speaking to in the song has an exciting but shallow life? Are you (the speaker) wishing to try this life, wish you could? Or are you wishing for it and then coming to the conclusion that its shallow ("tan yourself crispier, highlight your hair"). If I am oversimplifying it I apologize. I think the music behind it will make quite a difference. Is it thrash punk or dark synthy slow ethereal? good luck -Alan Rivera + Fender Strat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
¾ Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Please note that any review of lyrics without knowing the music, melody or meter is pretty tough. So much of a song is in the singing, in with the music. This could be a great song ~ if maybe a bit ambitious in the lyrical voyage. What is the title? Originally posted by C.Alexander Claber: Come on let me / test-drive your life I'm bored with mine / it's all too nice You've come back from / your messy weekend Sex, drink and drugs, / a caustic blendSo far, so good. Good setup, the listener is intrigued. You thought I didn't see / your red raw eyes your vacuous stare / did a few too lines So how was your ex / did he love you hard? your lusts and regrets / a cocktail bizarreThe "few too lines" doesn't quite jibe, and I am not quite sure what this means. And . . while we are on the topic of continuity, if her Ex is an Ex, why did she love her hard? Was he an Ex before the weekend? Not quite clear. Give yourself another year and see if it repeats again One of the perks of being a ladette is not acting used by men In your social group you're just one of the guys your ex is your mate with a tasty disguise Not a lager lout, never understood you likes to be around when you need a screw Don't live together, domesticity's sad together at weekends depending on fadsOkay ~ now we are getting more into Journal writing ~ which is certainly an acceptable format. Stream of conscious and all that. But I am getting confused as to what this lyric is about . . . the focus keeps shifting. When you've been out drinking you fall into his arms when you're sober it's all over but he's got unique charmA little bit awkward to digest Time will tell but wisdom is lonelyThis is a great line. Here is the focus of your song. Everything else should "add up" to this statement. .....and that is why I say "Time will tell but wisdom is lonely" Good line. Tan yourself crisper and highlight your hairAnother very good line. maintain husky vocals, no-one knows you care Brunette or ginger, blonde in your head blue-eyed generic, size eight or dead Buy recognition, sell your pride servile addiction, an easy slideGetting a bit erudite and losing focus. So in the end, not quite sure what to make of this. It is good writing ~ great journal style writing which might translate to a good song. But if you are trying to make a tight song lyric, you might want to re-focus. Mostly I see you start out with a great lyric, and head out in a great fresh direction. The middle and end seemed to get bogged down with too much illiteration. Too verbose for a tight lyric ~ but that is my opinion and I may just be a total asshole. So ignore me:) How about this: Come on let me / test-drive your life I'm bored with mine / mine's all too nice You come back from / your messy weekend Sex, drink and drugs / such a caustic blend You thought I didn't see / your red raw eyes Your vacuous stare / off in lost horizons So how was your man / did he love you hard? Your lusts regrets / like drinking glass shards Time will tell but wisdom is lonely Time will tell but wisdom is lonely Give yourself another day / see if it repeats When you're a ladette / you can't act used by menAnd so on. Tough to get all the meaning you intend into a cohesive lyric. Great ideas though. the only good signature is the one on a cheque or a confession Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexclaber Posted October 30, 2003 Author Share Posted October 30, 2003 Originally posted by alanfc: I can tell you the way it hits me as your average humanThat's what I want! Originally posted by alanfc: It looks like the person you're speaking to in the song has an exciting but shallow life? Are you (the speaker) wishing to try this life, wish you could? Or are you wishing for it and then coming to the conclusion that its shallow ("tan yourself crispier, highlight your hair").It's kind of an attack on the kind of ultimately unfulling life that many people lead. The central character is a caricature of one of my colleagues. I don't have a very structured approach to writing lyrics, I just listen to the track I've written on my sequencer and start writing, so that's probably why it's lacking focus. Originally posted by alanfc: I think the music behind it will make quite a difference. Is it thrash punk or dark synthy slow ethereal?The backing music is my own weird stuff, slow dark funk with quite screwed up harmony. Once it's recorded I'll put it up on the web. Cheers, Alex Barefaced Ltd - ultra lightweight, high ouput, toneful bass cabs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alanfc Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Originally posted by C.Alexander Claber: The backing music is my own weird stuff, slow dark funk with quite screwed up harmony. Once it's recorded I'll put it up on the web. Now thats gonna be cool-I was thinking dark was the way to go Rivera + Fender Strat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexclaber Posted November 4, 2003 Author Share Posted November 4, 2003 Started recording this on Sunday and started re-writing the lyrics yesterday! I'm pleased to say that your advice has proven very useful and I'm following a lot of your tips. The arrangement has now changed and I've added another section so it's basically: verse bridge pre-chorus verse bridge pre-chorus chorus verse bridge pre-chorus chorus and the chorus is a new bit based around the "time will tell but wisdom is lonely" bit. The final verse starts with the same line as the first verse and then continues with an extended metaphor on the same theme. I'll put up the re-written lyrics when they're complete. Alex Barefaced Ltd - ultra lightweight, high ouput, toneful bass cabs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strat0124 Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 Well I don't know if I'm alone here, but critiques of lyrics is something I won't get into. Because what I think is cool might be shite to someone else. I've seen some juvenile lyrics before that someone thought was fab, and I don't think its constructive to break it down. Not that yours are. I've also seen some incredible poetry that in my mind would NEVER fit in a song very well. You see? Its all about our perceptions of what is and what ain't. And if you have to break it down to the "rules of how things are supposed to go", it just sucks the life out of it. I like the no rules approach, no apologies, just here it is, love it or leave it. Down like a dollar comin up against a yen, doin pretty good for the shape I'm in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexclaber Posted November 6, 2003 Author Share Posted November 6, 2003 Originally posted by Geenard: [QB]I don't think its constructive to break it down... I like the no rules approach, no apologies, just here it is, love it or leave it.[QB]Good points, but as I wasn't totally happy with these lyrics (though I liked their overall vibe and shape) there were changes to I wanted to make and hadn't found a 'solution' to, which everyone's feedback helped with. However, from my point of view as the individual wanting opinions, it is critical to remember that they are just opinions - everyone's got one and no-one's is definitive. Alex Barefaced Ltd - ultra lightweight, high ouput, toneful bass cabs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alexclaber Posted November 19, 2003 Author Share Posted November 19, 2003 Here the (almost) final re-write: Verse 1: Come on let me testdrive your life I'm bored with mine it's all too nice You've come back from your messy weekend sex, drink and drugs, a caustic blend Thought I didn't see you red raw eyes your vacuous stare, did a few too lines So how was your ex, did he love you hard? your lusts and regrets, a cocktail bizarre Main Chorus: Time will tell but wisdom is lonely Thought is cheap but actions are phony From breath to breath, no reason to change hedonism ruled, apportioned the blame Time will tell and you've been left lonely Verse 2: Feeding off a bundle of neuroses keeping your weight down with regular sneeze Tan yourself crisper and highlight your hair maintain husky vocals, no-one knows you care Brunette or ginger, blonde in your head blue-eyed generic, size eight or dead Buy recognition, sell your pride servile addiction, an easy slide Bridge: Give yourself another year and see if it repeats again Give yourself another year confined with your so-called friends Alternate Chorus: In your social group you're just one of the guys your ex is your mate with a tasty disguise Not a lager lout, never understood you likes to be around when you need a screw Don't live together, domesticity's sad together at weekends depending on fads When you've been out drinking you fall into his arms when you're sober it's all over but he's got unique charm Verse 3: Come on let me testdrive your life kickstarted once but broke down twice Flash bodywork rusted through underneath subtlely masked corrupting disease Tried to stay home once but panic attacked drank a whole bottle, retired collapsed Has they missed you or thought you were there right down to sharing the Hackney cab fare? Main Chorus: Time will tell but wisdom is lonely Thought is cheap but actions are phony From breath to breath, no reason to change hedonism ruled, apportioned the blame Time will tell and you've been left lonely Now to record it! Alex Barefaced Ltd - ultra lightweight, high ouput, toneful bass cabs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chuck.dallas Posted December 13, 2003 Share Posted December 13, 2003 Alex, I like your lyrics. Very strong and colorful with good imagery. It will be interesting to see how you put them to music since there are so many words involved. Depending on how they play out musically, you might end up refining them more and cutting back. But I think that's just part of the process. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DoctorNo Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 I think that this song has definite promise. It is so rare to see a song written that the writer obviously has more than an 800 word vocabulary. While I was reading it I had a KMFDM style, slow beat going through my head. I definitely think you are on the right track. Doc During times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act. -George Orwell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rockinredneck69 Posted January 14, 2004 Share Posted January 14, 2004 Sort of looks like "Time Will Tell" would make sense as a title?! Just a suggestion, cool lyrics. Donnie Peterson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeleCarlos Posted January 20, 2004 Share Posted January 20, 2004 ..Whatever... rem1ded me a b1t of Tha Mars Volta...Cooool!!!! 1f you d1g 1t then great. Some of my favor1te songs have l1ttle mean1ng yet 1 enjoy them. Good luc. by the way 1 suc (my "eyes" and "case" don't worc) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
will landstrom Posted February 1, 2004 Share Posted February 1, 2004 Hi, The lyric is good. Would you be interested in collaborating? I write a lot of music, bad at lyrics. I have some original examples at http://www.epix.net/~wesg/ Let me know. Will wesg@epix.net 570-643-2042 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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