doug osborne Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 And, to stay on topic, I never cheated on her. Doug Osborne Music on Bandcamp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nawledge Posted July 2, 2004 Author Share Posted July 2, 2004 this is kind of late Lee but imho if I was the friend in question I'd just as well leave it alone cause if the girlfriend doesn't stop hanging out with the guy on her own it would only piss me off more if she did stop hanging out with the guy just because I mentioned it, in my mind the problem would be not whether she hangs out with the guy or not but what kind of person she is to me. I hate getting in the way of anybody doing whatever they want to do and it just wouldn't have the same value if she only stopped hanging out with the guy on my account. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Flier Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Yeah Naw, I have been talking to him some more about this and I think that is part of the problem. It's more an issue that he's not sure where the girlfriend's boundaries are with people. IF she would still hang out with this guy, he feels like that would be a reflection on what kind of person she is, sort of. That is, it would make him feel like he couldn't count on her to stand up for him like what Ani was saying. She's sort of a bleeding heart type and is inclined to try to see everyone's "side" of things, and get along with everybody. So he thinks that knowing the way she is, she might still be hanging out with him on general principle. BUT on the other hand, if he were to ask her about it and find out for sure that she was NOT hanging with him (remember, we don't know), then that would make him feel a lot better about her. But if she is, he kinda doesn't want to know. Know what I mean? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nawledge Posted July 2, 2004 Author Share Posted July 2, 2004 I know what you mean, but does not wanting to know ever work, if his current state of feelings about the situation are as good as it gets, then he should prob ask her, well I would. better than festering...maybe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phait Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 "Phait, Just realize that if you ever decide to take the plunge, child rearing is an extremely expensive process. Child care alone was running me over $600.00 a month... it adds up FAST." I'm certainly not ready for kids. I enjoy my best friend's little brother (8) and sister (5 or 6), he has a 12 year old sister who is cool but usually off doing her thing so I spend time w/ Malcohm and Mateela... in fact here's a pic of Mateela from I think over a year ago, maybe bit more.. http://www.phait-accompli.com/crap/pix/misc/mateela.jpg I just love 'em. If I ever decide to have a kid in the future though I'll be damn certain I have a great paying job to boot and all that. But in addition to not being ready I think I need to deal with myself and the things that bother me, first. I'm probably too selfish anyway to really have my own kid. It's kinda too bad I'm not 1/2 Alaskan Native, I'm 1/4th. I'm eligible for medical/dental benefits to where I don't have to pay a cent. If I was half, my kid would pretty much be set too. That'd alleviate some of the cost, plus I believe you get additional money coming in regardless, not sure. Oh well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ani Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Phait, I'll never regret having children, though expensive they may be (and nerve racking at times ). There is a sense of fulfillment in life that comes with parenthood. In learning to adapt to the personalities of our children we learn a lot about why things happened the way they did during our youth. You will be able to witness first hand the sacrifices that your parents made to do the best they could, to their ability, in raising you. You may even realize that maybe they did a WHOLE LOT more than what you were willing to give them credit for prior to yourself experiencing the turmoils and chores involved in parenting. You will be able to better understand the reasons decisions were made to tend to the needs of a sibling suffering illness or emotional instability when you are faced with a crisis involving your own children. There have been many times where I come against a situation with my children to where I hear my mother's voice speaking from the past; JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE KIDS, MAYBE THEN YOU'LL UNDERSTAND... or something like, "I hope you have 10 kids just like you!" Having more than one child will show you why at times more focus is placed on one child than the other due to emotional or medical needs. Through all that I've been through in marriage and divorce, I would not trade my children or the time spent with them for any amount of money in the world.... I might feel at times that I want to string them up by the toes... but NEVER would I ever regret having them. They are precious to me... and one of the most precious things in life is to hear one of your children say "I Love You" and KNOW they mean it!!! Their love, you know for certain, is true. I could go on, but I need to go to bed... Just take your time in selecting the right partner to share time with... and, prepare yourself and your mate for a long road of hard knocks and bumps that comes in rearing a family. I think that ignorance to the expenses involved in raising children is one of the core problems in failed marriages. With joint incomes being almost a necessity in today's society; women can't be the same person that YOUR mother's were to you..... It takes two to earn an living, and it takes two to keep a home and raise children. Unless you are in a position to support a wife without requiring her to work outside the home, you need to put the same effort into maintaining the family at home as what she puts into working in the field. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phait Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 I like to think I'd be a cool dad though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KenElevenShadows Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Okay. Deep breath. Two couples therapy sessions done, more to come. She is moving back in tomorrow. I feel okay now, but sometimes feel really scared about doing this and have doubts about whether this is the best thing to do and have fears about her cheating again. But I guess that's normal...er, for this situation, anyway. She's been saying, "I love you, and I know this is going to be difficult, but I want to work this out, and feel that it will work out." Send positive energy this way. Ken Lee Photography - photos and books Eleven Shadows ambient music The Mercury Seven-cool spacey music Linktree to various sites Instagram Nightaxians Video Podcast Eleven Shadows website Ken Lee Photography Pinterest Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ani Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Good Luck to you Ken!!! Just be certain not to jump into marriage anytime too soon and YOU do something on YOUR end to ensure there is not mishaps in pregnancy; that would be the last thing you need at this point. While going to therapy, take the opportunity to study up on planned parenting if it's something that you think you might want in the future. Do it inconspicuously if you think that it would get false hopes up for her. Be certain, for BOTH of you, that the move to stay together is not one of convenience to support the financial obligations of owning a home together; but instead because you want to build a life together in love. Financial burdens will go away... if that is to motive for either of you electing to stay together. The loss would be minimal to take the beating now, rather than later, if it's anything other than true and devoted love. Make sure that neither of you stay out of sympathy, pity, or feelings of entrapment; these things, too, shall pass. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KenElevenShadows Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Originally posted by Ani: Be certain, for BOTH of you, that the move to stay together is not one of convenience to support the financial obligations of owning a home together; but instead because you want to build a life together in love. Yes. Actually, I can afford the house on my own. And the marriage thing? I can now guarantee that this will not happen for a long time now. We never intended to have kids before, and that goes double now. I hope I'm not being stupid. It is an enormous leap of faith... Ken Lee Photography - photos and books Eleven Shadows ambient music The Mercury Seven-cool spacey music Linktree to various sites Instagram Nightaxians Video Podcast Eleven Shadows website Ken Lee Photography Pinterest Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Flier Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Wow, Ken. You are a courageous and loving guy to be giving this a second chance... but you know what? Sometimes lessons really ARE learned from these things and I've known couples who've been through this and come out stronger for it in the end, cuz it forces them to face whatever issues existed between them in a way they otherwise might not have. I wish you the BEST in this, and that true love prevails. Keep us posted, you rock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KenElevenShadows Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Originally posted by Lee Flier: Wow, Ken. You are a courageous and loving guy to be giving this a second chance... I wish you the BEST in this, and that true love prevails. Keep us posted, you rock.Thanks, Lee! It's sometimes a fine line between courage and stupidity, so let's hope I'm on the right side of this...I hope it works out well. Phewwwww, this is gonna be tough. Ken Lee Photography - photos and books Eleven Shadows ambient music The Mercury Seven-cool spacey music Linktree to various sites Instagram Nightaxians Video Podcast Eleven Shadows website Ken Lee Photography Pinterest Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hendmik Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 I just can't conceive the notion that some people think a relationship is "me against you" and not a partnership. The whole point of having a life partner is to have someone on your side, looking out for your needs. Ani, I feel awful that you endured a marriage in which your husband took and took your sacrifices with an entitlement outlook. How can someone treat their best friend with this kind of hording attitude? I know it happens every day, but I am still completely shocked people can treat each other like this. Ani, here's to you getting to concentrate on your own happiness (and your kid's) from now on. Ken, I have a lot of respect for you trying to work things out with her. Wow. You've proven to be the bigger person. All your fears are reasonable and legitimate, but no relationship survives without compassion and at this point it can't come from her with any credibility. It can only come from you and that is a vunerable place to be in. I admire you for giving her the chance to build your trust again. It can't be easy. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain (1835-1910) -------------------- Reporter: "Ah, do you think you could destroy the world?" The Tick: "Ehgad I hope not. That's where I keep all my stuff!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hendmik Posted July 2, 2004 Share Posted July 2, 2004 Originally posted by TheWewus: can you really expect one person to provide all of your emotional,sexual and opther physical.......needs for your whole life? Is that something that's going to happen? probably not.With that kind of expectation, you're setting yourself up for failure. The only thing my wife and I solely provide each other is sexual satisfaction. As far as everything else, there are tons of needs we both have, that neither can fully address. That's why we still maintain friendships and family relationships outside our own. We're both allowed to experience intimate relationships outside our marriage - just not sexually intimate relationships. BIG difference that obviously, some people can't maintain. When I met my wife, I didn't intend on replacing all her friends and family, I just wanted to be included in it. Granted, I'm a big part now, but I'm still only a part. Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. Mark Twain (1835-1910) -------------------- Reporter: "Ah, do you think you could destroy the world?" The Tick: "Ehgad I hope not. That's where I keep all my stuff!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nawledge Posted July 3, 2004 Author Share Posted July 3, 2004 hendrik good luck Ken, wishing you nothing but success with this I know it won't be easy for you, just remember that your healing does not depend on this paticular relationship working out, so even if it doesn't you're capable of going on and being happy with someone else. peace my brother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ani Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Yes. Actually, I can afford the house on my own. In truth, I was referring more to her than you. She may have realized that if the two of you split up she is without the ammenities and lifestyle that YOU help provide for her. There are a lot of gold diggers out there and they will lead a double life to have the best of both worlds. It is good to have a positive outlook and to hope to make the best of a bad situation. It is also important to be aware of the pitfalls that could develop as a result of being too trustworthy. I could tell you horrors stories about a gold digger roommate that I had one time... She was engaged to a Senator's son, an executive from International Harvestor, and then she kept time with a male stripper while juggling the other two fiance` acts. It's a pretty messy story, but she was a master of manipulation. She had the two quality guys believing in forever, while the sleezeball was cashing in on the goodies. I finally grew tired of her evil ways and exposed her to the Senator's son, whom she owed several thousands of dollars to already. She had already stated that she had no intentions of ever paying him back and she was getting ready to have him hand over another few grand when I came forward and stopped him. He was even paying her portion of the rent.... Not saying that your girl is ANYTHING like that woman was; but just saying.... be careful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KenElevenShadows Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 Thanks for the advice and encouragement. First night here - not bad. A little awkward, obviously. She's been away for three weeks, but to her (and to me) it felt like a long time. It was an intense, surreal, awful three weeks. Ken Lee Photography - photos and books Eleven Shadows ambient music The Mercury Seven-cool spacey music Linktree to various sites Instagram Nightaxians Video Podcast Eleven Shadows website Ken Lee Photography Pinterest Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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