OT: 36 Rules for Bands

[DC Ross]

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.

2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.

3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.

4. No one cares who you've opened for...

5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".

6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.

7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.

8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")

9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.

10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on public access.

11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".

12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.

13.Never name a song after your band.

14. Never name your band after a song.

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!

16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.

17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.

18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.

19. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.

20. No one cares that you have a website.

21. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.

22. Don't hire a publicist.

23. Playing in Seattle and Tacoma doesn't mean you're on tour.

24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.

25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.

27. If you use a smoke machine your music sucks.

28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got you for Christmas.

29. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?

30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.

31. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.

33. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.

34. Rock oxymoron's; "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".

35. 3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

36. No one believes it when you say that this is the best audience out of any town/city/country you've played for.

[UnderTheGroove_dup2]

It's funny because it's true!

[Tone Taster]

I resemble most of those rematks.

Gotta be the best list I've seen in a while

 

Thanks, DC

 

However on #35:

"3 things that are never coming back: a) gongs, b) headbands, and c) playing slide guitar with a beer bottle."

 

shoud there be an addition (or the mic stand) ?

[The Geoff]

Word.

 

G.

[Pappy P]

It is funny.

 

However, Gongs never went out of style.

 

And all guitars do not sound alike, but we all know that anyway.

[ihategarybettman]

I'm sorry, but I have to dispute a few points:

 

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY! If you substituted "drummer" with "keyboardist who loves 80s synth-pop", you would be abso-freakin'-lutely correct.

 

23. Playing in Seattle and Tacoma doesn't mean you're on tour. It is if you're from back east (e.g., from Buffalo, NY).

 

26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for. Hey, free beer is free beer - don't tie my hands, man!

 

29. Remember, if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them? How many of those 16-year-olds play them well?

 

32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow. I disagree; pierce your eyebrow, but not your nose.

 

Also, Pappy's correct; gongs never went out of style.

[Braxat]

Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?....

 

to show them off ofcourse !!! =D

[Bejeeber]

Should be required reading.

 

Could save some bands a lot of grief.

[Pappy P]

Brax:

 

Help me out here. You pull out the Gibby when you need a Gibby sound, and you pull out the Teley, when you need a Teley sound. You pull out the Strat for everything else.

[Eric Iverson]

That's the first time I've seen a Gibson called a Gibby! Better patent the word QUICK!

 

Re: the list - very funny.

 

Re: shaving your head. Why is that the kiss of death??

[Pappy P]

I got Gibby from Kramer.

 

He called it that in a thread a while back.

[Bejeeber]

So I guess a Gibson with a Bigsby tailpiece should be called a Gibsby.

[Greg B.]

Also: never name your band after a city, state, country, or continent.

[Guitarzan]

6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.

 

do we have to break up before we get the fourth bass player?

or right after?

we are looking for number four as of now and i was wondering if we need to break up now just because we are looking.

[DC Ross]

'Zan, if you were from around these parts, I'd gladly audition.

BTW, that's a mighty evil post count you've got there (6666)

[Kramer Ferrington III.]

Funny... I can only agree with the one about not asking the crowd how they are.

 

Who writes these things anyway?

[Pappy P]

Thank God the Foo Fighters did not follow this advice:

 

15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY!

 

 

David Grohl is a drummer/song writer.

 

 

OTOH: Genesis should've listend to this advice.

[Kramer Ferrington III.]

Originally posted by Pappy P:

Thank God the Foo Fighters did not follow this advice...

The Clash's biggest hit, "Rock The Casbah" was actually written by their drummer.

[Pappy P]

Yeah!!

 

Let's all rally around the Drummers, including Phil.

 

Kramer:

 

Do me a favor and post something to my Steve Miller thread. I'm getting embarassed by the lack of attention it has received.

 

Thanks man.

[Green657]

30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.

The Hall of Douchebags - That's where.

 

39. To better make yourself look "badass", at the end of your set, throw the mic straight down onto the floor, and storm offstage. Sound Guys LOVE that!

[Pappy P]

That's Funny:

 

Rule No. 30, subsection a, never have a photo taken by a brick wall.

[Braxat]

No one believes it when you say that this is the best audience out of any town/city/country you've played for.

 

hahaha so soo sooo trueeee

[PBBPaul]

Originally posted by Green657:

30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.

The Hall of Douchebags - That's where.

 

39. To better make yourself look "badass", at the end of your set, throw the mic straight down onto the floor, and storm offstage. Sound Guys LOVE that!

I haven't been to the Hall of Douchebags in a long time. Thanks, you made my day. I gotta get these tears out of my eyes before somebody comes into my office.

[disaster]

something along the same lines:

 

Buddyhead's Rules of Rock:

http://www.buddyhead.com/music/rulesofrock/rock.html

 

and Rules for Audiences of Rock:

http://www.buddyhead.com/music/rulesofrock/audience.html

 

 

prepare to be offended- and then remember to laugh.

[Green657]

A word of warning: Don't hotlink images from there. They are none to fond of bandwidth leeching, and have a replacement image that no-one should ever be forced to see.

 

I like this one , this one , and this one. In fact, pretty much all of them are funny. The cartoons are a riot as well.