MidLifeCrisis

Blondeback Mountain... A blonde decides to try horseback riding, despite having had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately for the blonde, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. Her head is battered against the ground, mere moments away from unconsciousness when... Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

That was too freaking funny. I laughed out loud for 10 minutes.

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address! A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to Thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida On Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a Computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading The first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on The floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: January 13, 2007 I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have Computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Your loving husband, P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.

1970 : Long hair - 2007 : Longing for hair 1970: KEG - 2007: EKG 1970 : Acid rock - 2007: Acid reflux 1970 : Moving to California because it's cool - 2007 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1970 : Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor - 2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1970 : Seeds and stems - 2007: Roughage 1970 : Hoping for a BMW - 2007: Hoping for a BM 1970 : Going to a new, hip joint - 2007: Receiving a new hip joint 1970 : Rolling Stones - 2007: Kidney Stones 1970 : Being called into the principal's office - 2007 : Calling the principal's office 1970 : Screw the system - 2007: Upgrade the system 1970 : Disco - 2007: Costco 1970 : Parents begging you to get your hair cut - 2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1970 : Passing the drivers' test -2007: Passing the vision test 1970 : Whatever - 2007 : Depends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_tuLEmWccM Yngwie is God video.... funny stuff

Go to google.com. 2. Click on Maps. 3. Click on Get Directions. 4. From: New York, New York. 5. To: Paris, France. 6. Then, read line #23. 7. Laugh. 8. Repost.

But how do we prove that the real problem with women is that they have all the http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/cattrim2.jpg ?

Why I fired my secretary Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you,but the kids....They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jeanne said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! "It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jeanne knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jeanne, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jeanne said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment,Jeanne turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.And I just sat there.. On the couch... Naked.

If you think she is hot, go check out the goat section. Some killer hoofs on a few of them. :grin:

http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/Emoticons/talibansingles.gif

Three cowboys were on their way home after herding a group of cattle to a ranch. On the way, they came across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. one man said, "Man, I'm gonna get some of this." He began to screw the sheep. He asked if another man wanted to get some, and one of them said yes and he started screwing it. After he got done, he asked the last man if he wanted some. The man said sure and stuck his head in the fence.

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. Can of coffee and A 1 lb. Package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a Drunk standing behind her, with his 2 six packs of beer, watched as she Placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing Up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued By the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly Unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her Marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "! ! Well, you know what, You're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly as shit".

My dogs would eat that little salamander for lunch

Did you grow up in Boston? I am the same age as you and lived in and around Boston until 86. Thought maybe we nay have hung around in the same musical circles in the 70s.

FACTS TO PONDER: (with apologies to the physicians and lawyers on the forum) (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. © Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services. (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million..) (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. © The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 000188. Statistics courtesy of FBI So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do." FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR. Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

For those of you over 40 you will really get a kick out of this. Trust me on this one. http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/sofakings.mpeg

Not sure if this belongs here or in the NFL thread. http://www.timetunnelmusic.com/unknown.jpg No wonder why they get all the great cheerleaders.

Still makes for fun and controversial reading.

AMEN ANDY ROONEY ! Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back: Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE? I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry a-- if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL! It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore, I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!

The Husband Store A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. A new wives store opened across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Welcome Steve Good to have some more Steve's on the forum. We have been overrun by Toms lately. I gigged a lot in Maine during the 70's. Probably been to every remote bar in the state. Once when I was driving up 95 in a Greyhound bus there was actually a moose on the side of the road who had to look down to see into the window. I'll never forget how huge he was.