fantasticsound Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Boys and girls with children... I've been offered a touring position with a nat'l country act (monitor engineer) and am grappling with the decision to leave my wife and 2 & 1/4 year old baby girl. Man... we could use the cash. And they're touring constant through early September, then crashing back to nothing until January. (Yes, they're hitting the road for a winter Canadian tour for 6 weeks beginning in early January, when other tours are mostly hibernating!) Anyone dealing with this kind of situation with touring. I can't decide if the long hauls away will be worth the sacrifice. Remember, I've been my daughter's main caregiver for almost 2 years running. Any advice on the subject would be appreciated. (The last time I came off the road after a short stint, it was to take care of her when she was 6 months old.) ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 I'm probably not the one to ask, as I really haven't done much road work. You're talking about basically being gone through early September? A couple of thoughts...I have had to be gone from my family on occasion...a couple of times for a month stretch for job related training. I missed the family, hopefully they missed me...but we recovered http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif. When we moved from Valdez to Anchorage, the wife and kids stayed behind for a couple of months so the kids could finish out the school year. Again, we missed each other, but we recovered. These are rare occurrences, however. I knew a long haul truck driver that was trying to "raise" a daughter by himself. I don't have much respect for that guy (an understatement). He had no wife, and refused a chance to work local or short haul. He was gone all the time for long stretches. His daughter grew up much the way you'd expect, pawned from relative to relative to whoever'd take her while "dad" was away. Surprised she doesn't have a couple of kids by now. I'd say that that's the difference. If you're just going to be gone a couple of months, for a one or two shot deal, and have a good family structure, then fine. If it would mean being constantly on the road, pawning your kids off on someone else, I'd say don't do it. Just my two cents... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrg music Posted June 18, 2001 Share Posted June 18, 2001 Neil This is one of the most difficult decisions we ever have to make. There is a huge amount of sense in what Tedster says, so I'll only add a couple of thoughts..... The first is that if you decide to go away, it is crucial that you maintain as much contact with your children as possible, and at regular times if you can. The break for them is enormously hard to bear and therefore if you can make sure that you reassure them and call them regularly during their day it can make it a whole lot easier for them. When I am away for long periods I will call my kids, when they get up, when they get home from school and just before their bed time.... I have even been known to read them a story down the phone.... Okay it can be expensive but hell my kids are worth that and more. The other thing I tend to do, is take loads of photos and video and record messages for them and tell them what I'm doing and take them on a little tour of the countries we are playing in. According to my wife they really look forward to these travelogues. The kids will often record stuff on video for me as well and I get a real kik outta watching them while I'm away. I hope this helps a little, if so and you would like more let me know bro and I'll post it here or email you direct. Simon http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif ...remember there is absolutely no point in talking about someone behind their back unless they get to hear about it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chip McDonald Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 Originally posted by fantasticsound: I can't decide if the long hauls away will be worth the sacrifice. Consider what you've just written. At first I was going to rhetorically ask "do you *HAVE* to do this?". You're admitting there is a "sacrifice" here; it would seem the sacrifice involves your wife and child. That seems... like too much to me. To run monitors. If it was to pursue a "dream" - say *playing with a national act*, maybe it would be different. Or alternately, if this would positively lead to more lucrative in town jobs - maybe. As you've posited it, I'd probably say no. Upside: 1. Long distance with cell phones is free now. 2. If it's *that* lucrative there is going to be a down day or two sometime when you can fly home for the day. 3. There might be a gig where it's feasible for your wife to drive to where you're going to be working. Looking at that - to run monitors if monetarily you don't *have* to - that's not fair to your FAMILY I don't think. Just how big of a national act is it? Top 3, like Shania or Garth? Or are you talking about another Billy John Boy Mcgraw level guy? (not that I'm ragging that level, I'd love to have a gig at that level, I'm just speaking from fantasticsound's pov). ------------------ New and Improved Music Soon: http://www.mp3.com/chipmcdonald Guitar Lessons in Augusta Georgia: www.chipmcdonald.com Eccentric blog: https://chipmcdonaldblog.blogspot.com/ / "big ass windbag" - Bruce Swedien Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosespappy Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 Dear Brother of mine, What to add to a couple of great responses? I would, first examine my goals, or dreams. If this gig gets you closer to that..... I'd say work out the logistics and make it happen. I want my kids to live their dreams. How can I teach them that, if I refuse to do it myself? A quick story to illustrate: My dad, was a great baseball player. He played on the first baseball team Tr-State Univ. in Angola Ind. ever had.1948.He was a junior in school with a baby boy and wife living in her parents upstairs. He was approached by the (then) St. Louis Browns to try out. He did. He was offered a start in center-field. He knew he'd be a star. (He's so blasted fast even now, I know it too) His father-in-law gave him the Engineers make $, Ball players make ? speech, and said, "If you leave, take your wife and kid with you". To this day, he doen't know if he'd have been great. And he speaks no kindness towards a Grandfather that's been gone for 10 years now. I play almost every instrument made. I write from the heart. I had a voice like a bird....... I ran when I saw the lights. If it's a shot at your dream, Go. Find out. Tell your kids you had the balls to try. If it's not, Don't. Every moment with them is measured, and most certainly finite. I'll pray for ya Bro. But, I'm pretty sure, you'll do what's right. Rick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 19, 2001 Author Share Posted June 19, 2001 Thanks to all for the responses. Very balanced, and hit the important issues. First, I'm not gonna make a million with this gig, but the money is very good, for the work involved. I should mention I am going out this weekend with them to test the waters, for them as well as me. I guess I can tell you whom I'll be touring with, since I've accepted. It's a family country act, The Wilkinsons. They're biggest hit was called 26 Cents. We worked a show together 2 years ago when I was out with Lila McCann. The crew and band seemed to be very good people. Since I posted this, several things have changed. First, my wife's full time job offers part time with benefits for a month at a time. Meaning she can go back to full time when I come home in October, November, and December. That took a load off us as we didn't want Lilly in daycare full time, 5 days a week. The job asked her to work the busiest days, Mon., Tues., and Fri. That actually works out wonderfully. She gets the baby on the weekends, two days of daycare, two more days with the baby, one on at work and she's back to the weekend again. If I come home for a day or two, likely it will be in the middle of the week. Great all the way around. As to connecting with them on the road.. The last time I was out, it was difficult at best. Your time schedule on the road rarely matches that of someone with a 9-5 (Actually 7-4) work schedule. Having a cell will be a must, this time around. We've looked into laptop comp's as well. With wireless internet, I could get an X10 Xcam2 with connection to the computer and video call them at home. Not sure I'll make THAT much money, given my wife's reduced hours, but it would be ideal. Anyone know where I can get a decent laptop cheap?? http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif And hey, I can keep up with the forums too! ...(Hey Ted, give me a Homer voice!) ...l-a-p-t-o-p....(drooling) I'll probably have to send pics and postcards to keep up initially. The hardest part will be not partaking in bedtime stories and little stuff that I share with Lilly. I think I'll have to demand to be home when her birthday comes around, but I'm not sure how that will shake out as they're doing a 6 week Canadian tour in January and February and Lilly's B-day is Feb. 3rd. That's a bridge that is way out there, in the big scheme, however. I'm tired and rambling, so I'll cut this short.(er than usual! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif ) Thanks again for all your input. It is extremely valuable to me. ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 19, 2001 Share Posted June 19, 2001 Like I said, from my experience with the Weather Service, four to six weeks is doable. I sure wouldn't want to do it all the time, though. I've had to miss a couple of birthdays and anniversaries, but, again, I don't do it all the time. It is nice to be able to fly home for a weekend or a little break. I felt guilty about it, but, in the grand scheme of things, I was doing it to make things better for the family. I guess that's the bottom line... BTW...is Kansas City on the tour??? "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 21, 2001 Author Share Posted June 21, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: Like I said, from my experience with the Weather Service, four to six weeks is doable. I sure wouldn't want to do it all the time, though. I've had to miss a couple of birthdays and anniversaries, but, again, I don't do it all the time. It is nice to be able to fly home for a weekend or a little break. I felt guilty about it, but, in the grand scheme of things, I was doing it to make things better for the family. I guess that's the bottom line... BTW...is Kansas City on the tour??? Junction City, KS.. On July 4th! (Are you busy???) I expect you'll be kicking back with several cold ones, even if Junction City is close. Let me know. We're going to Dauphin, Manitoba, Canada on the 1st, Dixon Il. on the 3rd (North Central Illinois), and Junction City on the 4th. To top it off, we hit the far northwest point of MN on the 6th and Rabbit Lake, Saskatchewan, Canada on the the 7th. Not as many gigs as I thought, but with the Canadian/US bouncing around, we'll be travelling most every off day. Thank heavens for per diem. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 21, 2001 Author Share Posted June 21, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: BTW...is Kansas City on the tour??? Yikes! So close, but yet so far... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif http://members.aol.com/neilbergmn/jcks If you're feeling masochistic on the fourth, don't blow yourself up with fireworks... instead drive too far to see someone you don't know for who knows how long. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. This message has been edited by fantasticsound on 06-21-2001 at 04:03 AM It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 21, 2001 Share Posted June 21, 2001 Geez, Neil.. Say Hi to Mr. Stuckey, Mr. Bob Evans, and Mr. Flying J for me...you're gonna be...(sings with a nasal Willie voice) "On the road again"..better yet...Sing a few choruses of Simon and Garfunkel's "All gone to look for America (toss in Canada, eh?)"...for me... Chances are, I won't be able to get out to Junction City...Kansas is a wide state...playing there the Fourth, huh? Well, have a great trip anyway! "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 21, 2001 Author Share Posted June 21, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: Geez, Neil.. Say Hi to Mr. Stuckey, Mr. Bob Evans, and Mr. Flying J for me...you're gonna be...(sings with a nasal Willie voice) "On the road again"..better yet...Sing a few choruses of Simon and Garfunkel's "All gone to look for America (toss in Canada, eh?)"...for me... The first is a great song. The second has been a favorite since I was a kid. My wife LOVES hearing me play it. Before our Canadian friends chime in.. uh.. Ted... Canada is part of America. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Chances are, I won't be able to get out to Junction City...Kansas is a wide state...playing there the Fourth, huh? Well, have a great trip anyway! Can't say I'm surprised.. Too bad. I'd buy you a beer with my per diem! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 22, 2001 Share Posted June 22, 2001 Well, technically speaking, yes, Canada is a part of North America...but most Canadians I've hung with speak of "Canadians and Americans"...well, sometimes, Canucks and Yanks... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Never can tell about the 4th though...never can tell when I'll get a wild hair... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 22, 2001 Author Share Posted June 22, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: Never can tell about the 4th though...never can tell when I'll get a wild hair... Well if you decide to road trip, ask for the monitor engineer for the Wilkinsons. If you ask for Neil Bergman, they may send the riot police... or worse! ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 22, 2001 Share Posted June 22, 2001 I loved your Aunt Ingrid in "Casablanca"...what a dish she was... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 25, 2001 Author Share Posted June 25, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: I loved your Aunt Ingrid in "Casablanca"...what a dish she was... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Ok, I have to admit, you lost me, Tedster! My wife and I may be the last couple over 30 to NOT have seen Casablanca. So what's up? http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Email me if you're interested in hearing my tale of adventure, intrigue and flying instruments from the first gig, this weekend! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gifhttp://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/eek.gif ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 25, 2001 Share Posted June 25, 2001 Ingrid Bergman...famous actress of the 40s, etc...quite a pretty lady. She was the female lead in Casablanca, along with Bogart. That's one flick everyone should see. They probably show it on American Movie Classics from time to time... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 26, 2001 Author Share Posted June 26, 2001 Ah.. I see your direction now! Email me, Tedster, if you want to hear one duesy of an action adventure story starring a tour bus trailer. To quote country comedian and Opry star, Mike Snider - This ain't a joke! ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gator Wing Posted June 27, 2001 Share Posted June 27, 2001 I'd say don't do it. Your first responsiblity is your kid(s). You sacrifice and give up many things until they're grown. If you leave after being the primary care giver your daughter will feel abandoned. She won't understand your working away from home. I lived two hours away for work. I was home every weekend; even sometimes during the week. I was close to my daughter (8 at that time). She felt abandoned by me and resented my being away very much. If I could do it over again, I would quit and take another job. It wasn't worth it. Along the same line, I teach the motorcycle safety foundation program in the summer. Two years ago I missed the championship game because they didn't get a replacement for me. My son was upset I didn't make the game. I promised him I would teach after baseball season, and that made him happy. Missed no games last year and just 2 or 3 out of 16 this year. There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 28, 2001 Share Posted June 28, 2001 Like I said, it depends on how often you're going to do this. Once in a great while is okay, but if they want you all the time I'd say no... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
grumpy Posted June 28, 2001 Share Posted June 28, 2001 Well been awhile since I've been on here....but..the subject hits pretty close to home...I've done some road time and the only thing I can say is it helps to have a solid home life..as in trust....sprint has a deal on cell phones for something like 40 bucks for 2500 mins nationwide....and on the road is a family thing for us....my son just came back into town after only 4 weeks on the road....but went coast to coast .....probably didn't hit any of yours....but he asked me about the road and I told him the same thing.....you have to have trust in the relationship and stay in contact.....and really if you look at the whole picture.....it's like a regular job....you just get all your hours in at once......and then you have down time..... oh well enuff said... laters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 28, 2001 Author Share Posted June 28, 2001 Once again, thanks for all the points of view. I will be touring with them pretty solid in July, August, and September, but will have a few days home every couple of weeks. In October and November we're only on 4 dates on 3 weekends for the entire 2 months, and December is open. It would be great to hook up with an established, but not peaking celebrity who flys out and back to most dates, then maybe plays an entire month in one theater. It's hard to find these gigs, although I have a few friends in that situation. The Wilkinsons are touring enough to make the trips worthwhile. They're a wonderful family, and have a pretty solid band. I factored in another point, as well, in deciding to take the gig. I worked with them once, 2 years ago, and in a situation that could have been a total cluster-$%$. The road manager/FOH mixer and the monitor mixer made sure both acts could work without stress. The monitor mixer joined us for my first date with the band, so I had the benefit of over 3 years experience with THESE artists to draw on. It went smooth as silk! This makes the job worth taking. Now, as to the familial considerations. When I toured, briefly, 2 years ago, my wife and I were ill prepared for the lifestyle changes. Our daughter was 6 months old. My wife had to return to work. (Salary and benefits are pretty important to ensuring enough $$ to care for the family. A road gig rarely offers much in the way of benefits a la 401k, quality health insurance, etc.) I jumped at the first decent looking daycare, after we swore up and down that she wouldn't go to daycare before she was mobile, and preferably never. Pushed my wife pretty hard, regarding the daycare, since without it I'd never have been able to leave. The aftermath: I was gone a few weeks, my wife returned to work 3 weeks in, and 4 days into day care, my daughter had a 104 degree temp. My wife had to take personal days to care for her, and I was not available (phone) for hours after my wife took the baby to the ER. At the next break I opted out of the tour. (They only had 1 week left and some weekends anyway, and they were looking for someone with earmonitor experience, which I did not have at the time.) I spent most of the next 2 years as my daughter's primary care giver, and loved every minute of it. What's changed since 2 years ago?: First off, my daughter is not a stationary object! We placed her in part time day care several months ago, this time at a much better facility, to give her exposure to other kids as well as to give daddy time to work some days. She loves it, and she has been getting daddy 2-3 days a week as well. Largely because she spent her days with me early in life, she has no separation anxiety when we drop her off at school. Sure, sometimes she'd rather be with me, but she jump into the arms of the staff, and literally gets over it right away. A very well adjusted child, indeed. (Yeah, yeah. I know. I'm biased! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif ) Momma found out she could request a temporary part time schedule, month to month, without a loss of benefits. She's non-exempt, salary, so her hours simply adjust. She'll be working 3 days/ week now. This is actually BETTER than we could have wished for. Momma gets to stay home with Lilly (which she has wanted all along) and we still have 2 incomes AND, to be frank, I get to have a blast on the road. If I weren't married with child, I'd LOVE being on the road almost all the time. Remember, this isn't riding in the van with 5 or 6 guys who need showers! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/eek.gifhttp://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif There's a bus, a driver, hotel rooms to clean up or sleep in, bunks in the bus, catering. And they PAY me to do this! Wow! Now this weekend begins our first run. After this past weekend's single day of travel, my daughter just about burst at the seams when daddy arrived home. (And it was 10 hours late! That's another story. It involves a gear trailer as a 70mph., self-guided missle! Don't ask!) One of the very first things she said when she, literally, stopped dancing around was, "I LOVE MY DADDY!" We'll see what kind of reaction she has after 2 weeks out, soon. As to trust, I trust my wife, implicitly. Maybe I'm blind, but it's outside the realm of possibility that my wife would screw up our marraige while I'm gone. I couldn't put our future in jeopardy. I'd rather jump off a building. I can understand temptation, but I can't understand giving in to it. It's just not in me, and my wife knows it. So there you have it. I'm not into astrology, but if I was I'd have to say the stars have aligned themselves in my favor, and the family is jumping in, head first into these changes. I'll keep you posted, if anyone's interested to see how it works out. Oh, and yes, I'm getting my first cell phone tommorow. I couldn't go days on end, now, without speaking to my girls. It's too hard to connect otherwise. Sorry for the epic post, but I really hope my situation can be an example to others. It may end up being an example of why NOT to go on the road, but I feel the information is hard to come by before you go through it yourself. Maybe this thread helps a few people. I certainly hope so. ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted June 29, 2001 Share Posted June 29, 2001 (Obi-Wan or King Arthur type big, deep, reverberant voice from old, white bearded, chain-mailed knight type figure): Go, my son...go, go on your quest. Go with our blessings. (Changing to Mel Brooks voice): And may the "Schwartz" be with you...!!! "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fantasticsound Posted June 29, 2001 Author Share Posted June 29, 2001 Originally posted by Tedster: (Obi-Wan or King Arthur type big, deep, reverberant voice from old, white bearded, chain-mailed knight type figure): Go, my son...go, go on your quest. Go with our blessings. (Changing to Mel Brooks voice): And may the "Schwartz" be with you...!!! (Rick Moranis speaking as low as he can, as Dark Helmet http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!" ------------------ Neil Reality: A few moments of lucidity surrounded by insanity. It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman Soundclick fntstcsnd Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Flier Posted June 29, 2001 Share Posted June 29, 2001 Neil, I'm not in your shoes but thanks so much for sharing your story. It is really insightful and I'll bet will be very helpful to others in your situation. Sounds like you've got a great deal there - enjoy! --Lee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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