So I was thinking of going into standup comedy, can I try my routine on you peops?

[TrancedelicBlues]

 

Hey, how ya doin, hey everybody, beautiful crowd we got here tonight, just beautiful...

 

Did ya ever notice, whenever you see a MacDonald's restaurant, there's always a Burger King nearby??? What's up with that? Do they follow each other around like schoolyard kids? Are they power trippin' on each other or what???

 

But hey, whatever...

 

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That's all I've got so far. But I was thinking of a couple of other pretty good jokes, only I can't remember them right now. I will post them to this thread as soon as I remember them, though

[Zweite Version]

Every once in a while I come up with a line that would work in a stand-up routine. I usually find them hilarious and say how great of a comedian I could be 'if I really wanted to', however, my wife thinks otherwise. Well, what can you do.

A classic of mine:

 

"I don't know why it should be so unacceptable to eat in the bed. I mean, people have sex on kitchen tables all the time, so why not eat in the bed?"

 

If I would hear a comedian say that, I'd laugh. I think it's a great joke. I guess I'm my own biggest and only fan.

[ECBRules]

Don't forget "Hows your steak?"

 

John Coltrane and Miles davis were in two different stalls in a bathroom when John let out a Big ol' fart. Miles: MAN that was FLAT! john: sorry man that's the only tune she knows.

[Phait]

I have a notebook with some comedy material I've written. It's gotten genuine laughs from people around me.

 

I have thought about doing a little gig, we have the Skyline Comedy Cafe not far from where I live where "pro" comedians even perform at.

 

But sometimes what we find funny ourselves, might not have that universal potential. I'd have to have lots more material, and test it on a little audience first.

 

Not to mention I'm not a particularily social guy. I like to joke around with people I just met or throw out a one liner every so often that gets laughs though. It doesn't matter so much what the joke or subject is, if it gets a laugh, good!

 

On that note, heres some of mine:

 

= INSECURITY =

I'm so insecure I shower with 2 bars of soap.

 

= BEING BROKE =

It sucks when you can't afford cologne or deodorant, and you have to resort to hairspray.

 

= QUITTING =

Quitting smoking is one of the few things you can get congratulated for by qutting. i figure with all the things i quit, i might as well start smokin'.

 

= MULLETS =

I think the statement of the mullet is "I want to be badass, but I love my momma"

 

= FLYING SAFE =

They say flying is safer than driving. If that's so true why do I choke on the Premium pretzels?

 

= ASPIRATION =

I wonder if fidel castro aspired to be a dictator, or to just grow a fucking long beard.

 

= PICKLES =

I like pickles. But the thing you have to understand about pickles, is they are never truly themselves. They're always in a jar, of pickle water. Always. What does the original pickle taste like? We may never know.

 

= FIRST JOBS =

I hate it when people hype about your first job "congratulations" over and over and over... you don't see this with anything else as mundane - "Oh you're going to prison? Congrats! I'm so proud of you!"

 

= FOOD =

Don't you hate it when you're eating a sandwich, and EVERYTHING between the bread slides out? It's like, theres this bit of life still left in that post-mortem cow and vegetables that is still trying to escape from the death of our ravaging mouths.

 

= FEMININE ITCH =

Instead of feminine itching products, I think there should be feminine bitching products. They might still itch, but we won't hear it.

 

= DEPARTMENT STORE CATALOG MODELS =

You know you need to get out when you start wondering if any of the women models in department store catalogs is "the one" for you. "He-hey, you lookin' nice in them Levi's... I wonder what she's doin' right now... eh dunno. I'll see you next week *wink*"

 

= KINKOS =

Ever been to Kinkos print shop? I was there with my best friend, and I noticed how they label every little thing with "Kinkos". What is this, self-righteous inflated ego..? I bet if they had restrooms in the stores they would label the toilet paper.. "You are wiping your ass compliments of Kinkos. Have a nice day!"

 

= MARRIAGE =

Marriage.. beautiful isnt it? Yeah.. quick too. Oh sure, heard of drive through marriages?

 

"Do you take this man to be your yada yada?" -- "I do." -- "Do you take this woman to be your yada yada yada?" -- "I do." -- Congratulations you are now husband and wife. You want fries with that?"

 

= CONVENIENCE =

Convenient things are good, I'm sure you would agree. There's nothing somebody can't make even more covenient.. Microwaves.. they say they have radiation and that it ain't good to stand in front of them.. yeah right! If a microwave poses any radiation threat, why are we cooking our foods with it? Yet, I find myself standing in front of the microwave, and then backing away, because I'm semi-paranoid that my balls will shrink.

[Sp3nc3r]

I, too, have been accused of being funny. And it never stops hurting.....(what?!)

 

A radio-station manager/musician friend of mine hinted at getting me on air for a bit, just to see if anyone else would find me as funny as he does. I politely turned the opportunity down, citing that I'd probably cause too many angry phonecalls and lawsuits from offended listeners . He agreed. But I betchya it would've been really fun!

 

Great jokes btw, guys!

 

Cheers!

Spencer

[Griffinator]

You suck! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

[TrancedelicBlues]

L L!!!