OT - Rules For The Blues

[57pbass]

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

 

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless youstick something nasty in the next line like,

"I got a good woman,with the meanest face in town."

 

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeatit. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of:

"Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

 

4. The Blues is not about choice.

You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.

 

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.

Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most

Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train.

Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.

So does fixin' to die.

 

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

 

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any

place in Canada.

Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression.

Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues.

You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

 

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.

A woman with male pattern baldness is.

Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on

it is.

 

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.

The

lighting is wrong.

Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

 

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

 

Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

 

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last six months.

 

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

 

Not if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund

 

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues.

Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

 

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues.

Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. nasty black coffee

 

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

 

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death.

Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way

to die.

So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on

a broken down cot.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

 

16. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

 

17. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

 

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather

can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

 

19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,

Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,

etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or

Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.

 

(Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

 

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer,

you cannot sing the blues

 

 

[tnb]

Word.

[slap-pop-karl]

Hey I'm Ugly kid Karl and I'm gona sing ya a song.

 

I woke up this morning!I had some Bread! Now this song, is gona be stuck in your head. The other day!!! They took my brother away!!....hmm wait I'm a teenager. I can't do blues.

[slap-pop-karl]

Also why you telling us the rules on the Internet if we can't sing it as we have a computer.

[zeronyne]

19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit

c. last name of a President

 

Itchy Orange Bush

[jcadmus]

Uh, Heavy Banana Harding?

[Kramer Ferrington III.]

LOL

 

There was a note in GP, a couple of years ago, about some black guy that was putting out a blues record after a succesful career in the antiques business.

 

I'm sure he was a fantastic guitarist, 'cause he was in GP and all... but seriously, what kind of effing blues singer is an antiques dealer?

[Paul K]

3. ........and she weigh 500 pound."

 

 

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any

place in Canada.

 

 

#3addendum: And don't forget that a certain lack of diction is a prerequisite. For example, in this instance, it be pronounced "Fi' Hunit poun'".

 

#7: I've been to Saskatchewan. That might be worth some blues. But I'm not sure.

 

Peace

Paul K

[picker]

Asthmatic Apple Adams, here...