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OT: RIP OAR


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The thing is...this was one of those phone calls that should, by rights, come in at three in the morning on a winter's night, with cold rain and fog and miserable weather--certainly not at 1 PM on a hot, sunny, summer afternoon. That, in itself, was jarring. One of those disbelief things that this can't be happening because...of course things don't go this seriously awry under those conditions, right? I mean, 1 PM on a Friday on a sunny day means a fender-bender, at most.

 

Right?

 

Right...?

 

This was more than a fender-bender.

 

I offered in the "Boring Songs" thread to let people have photos of the car in the event that they had obstreperous teenagers who needed the hell scared out of them. Most certainly not a mere fender-bender.

 

I spent about twenty minutes wallowing in my Kubler Ross denial stage because things just don't go that far wrong on sunny days. Can't. Not allowed. My wife dispersed that with her first report from the hospital. She actually beat the helicopter bearing our daughter to the hospital, while I stayed home with the boys. Grim report, that one. Denial stage--over and done. Boom. Totally. Time to get real. My daughter needs me and my wife (do not read this as criticism) wasn't asking the questions and getting the answers that we needed. She was in freaked-mom mode and I don't blame her.

 

Do me a favor. No...do yourself a favor. Go grab your children and hold them desperately close, because you never know when your last hug will be your last hug. Forever.

 

Grey

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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Brotha Grey, my condolences to you and your family as we your KC family also mourn the loss of your daughter.

 

From an intellectual perspective, we can process a lot but only time can heal some of the pain, grief and sorrow that will forever remain.

 

Take comfort in and cherish the memories of her life; the love shared as father and daughter and family. Rest in Power Olivia Airlie Rollins. :cool:

PD

 

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."--E. Ahbez "Nature Boy"

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Grey,

 

I wish you and your family light and peace as you move through this. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope you will continue to give yourself permission to move through your stages of grief as you do the rest of your family.

 

We are here for you.

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18 years of love and joy will hopefully outlive the tragedy at the end of her short life. Grey, I"m sorry for your loss and prayers for you and your family are a given.

 

Jake

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"It needs a Hammond"

 

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I can't imagine the heartache. Time & prayers will hopefully help heal you & your family.
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Some of the "mementos" being pushed on us strike me as being in incredibly poor taste. Now, given that somebody, somewhere must be buying this stuff, I guess other people think it's wonderful, but still...some of this is pretty cringey in my estimation. Like skin-crawling, I-can't-believe-I'm-hearing-this, involuntary recoil level reaction.

 

And, really...must you refer to the process of removal of organs from my daughter's body for donation as...wait for it..."excavation?" WTF? I hope to Gussy that I simply misunderstood and that there's some legitimate medical term that sounds like the word excavation. Please? What, are you telling me that they took a backhoe to her body? Seriously?

 

This has been arduous enough without that kind of insensitivity.

 

New Rule: Nobody else is allowed to die. Period. None of you guys and gals are allowed to die. Take it off your to-do list. Take it off your life list (Warning: macabre joke). Just don't. I don't want any of you folks to have to deal with this.

 

Grey

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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I am glad to say that I have successfully rebooted. The funny thing is, I could literally feel it in progress. I sat down to respond to an email, and during the fifteen or twenty minutes while I read their email and wrote a reply, I could feel my personality reintegrating. Quite interesting, really. Like plate tectonics at high speed--all the continents resumed their (nearly) normal places. As I said earlier, I've been through crises before and the very fact that I survived the earlier ones gave me confidence that I could and would survive this one--even though it's arguably the worst pain I've ever been through. I know the paths through that dark forest. What I didn't expect was such a profound change in such a short period of time and the subjective feeling of it all coming together. Pretty cool. Not that I recommend the journey as an afternoon lark, you know? Note that I am not saying that there will be no more tears--I'm sure there will be--but they will be brief showers, not torrential downpours.

 

Those who are religious would no doubt attribute this sort of thing to higher powers. Me? It was time. What I needed was to know was that my daughter was out of pain. TOD was 18:00 Monday and less than 24 hours later my head started coming together. It's now been another 24 hours past my reboot and I'm holding steady. I've even cracked a few (quite lame) jokes, much to the chagrin of my family members. I feel that it's important for them to see that someone can be as far down as I was, then come back, just as proof that it can be done. Knowing that something is possible is half the battle. If someone tells you that something is impossible, and you allow yourself to believe them, then you'll have a hard time breaking free of that conviction. I can already see a change in my wife's mindset as she watches me. And as the two of us lead the way, the boys are coming back too.

 

I will survive.

 

We will survive.

 

Many, many thanks for your support. It means more to me than I can say.

 

Now I've got to figure out a way to get past Matthew's parents in an effort to help him, beginning with telling him that I do not hold him responsible for my daughter's death. It was her foot on the accelerator. It was her hands on the steering wheel. Not his. But getting through to him with his parents barring the way? That's going to be difficult. My wife and I are working on it. Please direct your collective goodwill towards Matthew. He needs it desperately.

 

Grey

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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And, really...must you refer to the process of removal of organs from my daughter's body for donation as...wait for it..."excavation?" WTF? I hope to Gussy that I simply misunderstood and that there's some legitimate medical term that sounds like the word excavation. Please? What, are you telling me that they took a backhoe to her body? Seriously?

 

This has been arduous enough without that kind of insensitivity.

 

Grey

 

Grey I agree that using terms like that with a family going through the worst time of their lives is terrible. I've not heard that term used before, although the term 'harvesting' organs is used commonly but again would never dream of using it in front of the grieving / traumatised people involved in the process :(

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Matthew was able to come visit today. He literally just left. I talked to him for an hour and forty-five minutes. For crying out loud, his mother was brick-wall filtering the information that got to him and he knew almost nothing about Olivia's condition. (She appears to be a major control freak.) I had to start from scratch and tell him nearly everything. It was one of those things where he was desperate to know what had happened, but hearing the words hurt. Poor kid. I brought him up to speed so he could better understand the circumstances that led to turning off Olivia's life support. He knew that had been done, but not why, and that's a bad place to be. I am at a loss as to why his mother is acting the way she is. According to his grandmother (who seems to be made of better quality materials than his mother...) he's bottling this up inside. I was able to get him to leak a few tears. (I was prepared--had tissues at hand.) And I made damned sure to tell him that I wasn't angry with him, that sometimes life just throws nasty stuff your way. It wasn't his fault.

 

I got him to talk a bit. Yes, he appears to be having trouble expressing himself, but I tried my best. The circumstances weren't optimal, but I told him that if he wanted to talk, we were here and he was welcome anytime. Maybe the circumstances would be better on another occasion. Or maybe just knowing that there's someone out here who gives a damn will be all he needs.

 

Did I do any good? Ask him, not me. But at least he knows there are people who cared about Olivia who also care about him.

 

Possible ray of sunshine: It's possible that he might get to leave home and live with his grandmother. From the admittedly limited amount that I know about his family life, that might be a good thing. Cross your fingers, folks. He's not out of the woods yet.

 

Grey

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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Matthew was able to come visit today. He literally just left. I talked to him for an hour and forty-five minutes. For crying out loud, his mother was brick-wall filtering the information that got to him and he knew almost nothing about Olivia's condition. (She appears to be a major control freak.) I had to start from scratch and tell him nearly everything. It was one of those things where he was desperate to know what had happened, but hearing the words hurt. Poor kid. I brought him up to speed so he could better understand the circumstances that led to turning off Olivia's life support. He knew that had been done, but not why, and that's a bad place to be. I am at a loss as to why his mother is acting the way she is. According to his grandmother (who seems to be made of better quality materials than his mother...) he's bottling this up inside. I was able to get him to leak a few tears. (I was prepared--had tissues at hand.) And I made damned sure to tell him that I wasn't angry with him, that sometimes life just throws nasty stuff your way. It wasn't his fault.

 

I got him to talk a bit. Yes, he appears to be having trouble expressing himself, but I tried my best. The circumstances weren't optimal, but I told him that if he wanted to talk, we were here and he was welcome anytime. Maybe the circumstances would be better on another occasion. Or maybe just knowing that there's someone out here who gives a damn will be all he needs.

 

Did I do any good? Ask him, not me. But at least he knows there are people who cared about Olivia who also care about him.

 

Possible ray of sunshine: It's possible that he might get to leave home and live with his grandmother. From the admittedly limited amount that I know about his family life, that might be a good thing. Cross your fingers, folks. He's not out of the woods yet.

 

Grey

 

Grey, I'm sure it goes without saying, but the fact that you are showing so much consideration for this young man shows that you yourself are made of incredibly quality materials (using your words). It's touching and impressive that you are able to do so after the loss of Olivia. I know she'd be proud....

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What a difference a day makes...

 

I've got a buddy who's fond of saying that "no good deed goes unpunished." Sometimes I think he's right.

 

I find myself in a difficult position regarding Matthew. For a quite a while we were getting information from Olivia that indicated that Matthew had a difficult home situation. Okay. As alluded to above, I had a rough childhood myself, so my antennae went up. Then this whole Olivia situation went down and...suddenly things are going sideways regarding Matthew. Yesterday while I was talking with Matthew, my wife was talking with his mother and came away with an impression that was at odds with what Olivia had told her. I didn't know this until after I made my previous post because my wife had to run do errands before places closed for the day/weekend; it was an hour or two after I posted before my wife and I had a chance to speak. Without going into details it seems that there's the possibility that Olivia and/or Matthew may not have been telling the truth about some things.

 

Then this morning my wife got an email from another of Matthew's family members accusing me of making an 'outlandish Egotistical post' here, in this thread, on KC.

 

Yep. They went to the trouble to track me down here on KC. Interesting. Well, be that as it may, this family member is reiterating what Matthew's mother told my wife, and indicates that Matthew has in no way been abused.

 

Now, look, if the facts of the matter are other than I've been told, then I'll adjust my point of view. But I'm also remembering that no one would believe me when I was a kid. No one. The adults said one thing and I was saying another and the adults were believed by default--I was "imagining things" or "lying to get attention" or whatever. The adults got all the credibility by default and I got none. The people who should have been defending me did nothing. Zippo. Nada. Turned a blind eye.

 

Hmmm...

 

Folks, I don't know how to parse this. I'm getting conflicting information and there's no way to talk to Olivia to seek clarification as to what she told us. I can't see a way to get to absolute bedrock truth on the whole Matthew thing. Facts are facts. They exist with or without peoples' belief or opinions. At this point there are, shall we say, "votes," piling up on one side of the scales. But is the 'truth' open to a vote?

 

With that in mind, I'm putting those who have read my posts regarding Matthew on alert; that all may not be as I was led to believe. I'm not sure what the actual facts are. Maybe I'm just too cynical, based on my personal experiences. If my daughter or Matthew were exaggerating or outright lying, then it's a slam dunk--there's no need to feel for Matthew beyond him losing his best buddy (which, granted, is bad enough). If the adults are closing ranks to defend themselves, then the scales tip the other way. That's what happened with me, but is it what's happening here? I simply do not know.

 

With this post, I'm closing out discussion regarding Matthew. These are murky waters and I don't want to lead anyone astray.

 

Grey

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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I'll say what my heart dictates:

Regardless who is "right" or "wrong", what's clear from your account is that this boy is not exactly at ease with his family. I would encourage him to "take a vacation" from them, either moving by his grandmother for a while, or whatever else. You could stay close to him, probably you could both benefit from that.

In fact, until now I had to resist relating a somewhat comparable experience that I had when I was his age, or even less - and yes, I came from a difficult family as well. The death of my girlfriend was incredibly painful and traumatic, but over several years, and with the help of friends, it taught me the need to express my feelings to my important ones, even when it takes a big effort. (to understand completely I would need to share all the details, which I won't do here)

So I'm wishing for this kid to take on the same path as I did, and with time, maybe turn a tragic event into something on which to build a better attitude toward life.

It's possible that I'm being totally off base, but I wanted to offer my experience anyway... you never know.

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This is a difficult time for both families, and things may just need to settle down before you can all be comfortable with each other. It's also possible that you may never be. That family almost lost their son, in a car someone else was driving, and they may hold some significant anger toward that driver's family, regardless of their (your) compassion and realism regarding the situation. To be completely direct, they may also be fixing to sue you, and maybe don't want that "other" narrative out there. This would also explain why they are tracking down your social media posts about this.

 

Everyone gets a pass during grief, including during the grief for a life *almost* lost. Their truth may be different from yours, and that's fair. And to go further, everything Olivia told you might be true, and they could be either lying or simply unaware that their normal ways would be perceived as abusive by their son or others. They might just be floating along thinking they are great parents, and having to reckon with some difficult outside perceptions now that they were faced with the possibility of losing their son--who, even if they are bad to, they almost certainly do not want to see pass.

 

I prefer to believe, as you do, that Olivia learned fairness and compassion from you, approached her friendship with the boy through that same lens, and felt she could be a positive force for someone used to negative ones. She sounds like a very special young lady, and it's best to focus on that part, and let the boy's family go through their process with their own truths as they need.

Now out! "Mind the Gap," a 24-song album of new material.
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I haven't posted anything so far because this is so painful to relive, but I went through an eerily similar situation 17 years ago - right down to the excruciatingly painful decision to take my wife off life support because her brain had filled with blood.

 

Rather than trying to figure out who's telling the truth, please everyone keep an eye on this young man. In my case, as the only survivor of the rollover he ultimately ended up taking his own life.

 

Grey if you need to talk to someone who's been through this, don't hesitate to PM me. My heart goes out to all of you.

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I find this whole situation troubling...on many levels.

 

Evidence continues to accrue, but I will not comment as to which side of the scales I think it belongs on.

 

Grey

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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I can't even imagine what you must be going through. So so sorry for your loss Grey. As others have said ... there are no words. Virtual hugs and lots of prayers heading your direction!

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Incidentally, MAJOR kudos due for Riverbanks Zoo. My daughter had only worked there for a couple of months prior to the accident and they have been Johnny-on-the-spot at every turn. They have treated us as though we were part of a huge family and just generally been friggin' amazing.

 

If you're in the area, go to Riverbanks Zoo. Not only are they good people, but it's been rated as one of the best zoos in the nation (USA Today ca. 2019). (I confess being partial to the Matschie's Tree Kangaroos--living plush toys, they are. Gorgeous. My wife's favorites are the meerkats. Olivia was partial to penguins...they've got something for everyone.)

 

Grey

 

P.S.: We watched the movie Happy Feet about seventy-'leven times when Olivia was little. She went into penguins the same way most kids go into dinosaurs. Knew every single nit-picking detail about every species. Something about penguins spoke to her.

I'm not interested in someone's ability to program. I'm interested in their ability to compose and play.

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