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OT: Stop Me If You've Heard These...

Chad Thorne

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A friend sent me these...


1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony

wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you

can't - I've cut off your arms!"


13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.



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A man walks into a bar and decides to have a few drinks, he sits next to a guy who he dosent know and they get talking. The drinking continues till the early hours of the morning till the bartender tells the guys to leave. The man that he met in the bar can barly talk and and has to be carried home by the bartener abd the other fellow. They prop him up telephone box for a rest and he falls flat on his face and it looks pretty bad, so they pick him up and continue untill the feel they need a rest again. Ths time they lean him on a lamp post and once again he drops onto his face and he looks badly messed up now. They get to his house and prop him up against the door and run incase he has a wife, and once again flat on his face. They see the door open and a lady drag him in by his feet. The next morning he wakes up and is in alot of pain and his face is a mess, he say's to his wife "That was a rough night i can't remember anything "His wife repiles "Yeah must of been u forgot to bring your wheelchair back"
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It's Halloween night and a woman gets a ring at her door bell. She opens the door and sees a little boy. The boy says "Trick or treat!" The woman gives him his candy and says, "what are you dressed up as?" The boy says, "A birate!" She says, "A birate? Oh, you mean a pirate!" He says, "Yeah, a birate." She says, "Where's your buccaneers?" The boy thinks for a minute and says, "on my buckin' head, lady!" :D


A man and his wife of 30 years continue to have oral sex every morning... When they pass in the hall they look at each other and say, "Fuck you!!"


a.k.a. "El Guapo" ;)


...Better fuzz through science...



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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of 20 year old scotch. The bartender figures he can save a little cash and gives him a shot of house scotch.


The guy says,

"Hey! This is house scotch! I said 20 year old scotch!"


The bartender apologies and thinks to himself,

"This guy is good, but I bet he couldn't tell the difference between 10 and 20 year old scotch."


The bartender hands the guy a shot of 10 year old scotch and again the guy says,

"This is 10 year old scotch! I said 20 year old!"


"Alright," says the bartender, "I'm sorry sir, here is a shot of 20 year old scotch on the house."


The guy tastes the drink and says,

"That's better. That's what I ordered."


Meanwhile, there is an old drunk sitting at the end of the bar sipping a glass of draft and watching everything that's been going on.


He slides his glass down the bar toward the guy and says,

"Here, have a sip of this!"


The guy sips from the glass, sputters and spits the drink out.


"This tastes like piss!" he exclaims. "That's right." The drunk replies "How old am I?"

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A man walks into a bar after a hard days work and sits down and has a few drinks and is joined by another man who has had the same sort of day. The man offers to buy him a drink and he accepts, they do rounds for the next 10 and then the fellow who came in second proposes a bet, the guy said he is game. The fellow says I bet i can run and jump out of that 10th floor window and just hover there. The guy says no chance and puts a £100 on it. The guy runs and jumps out the window and just hovers, the guy is amazed and asked how he did, he replies "It's easy anyone can do it just give it a try and see what happens" the man runs and jumps out and surely falls to his death. The bartender then says "Youre a bastard sometimes superman"
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I am a Steven Wright junkie.


I like, "I used to work at a factory that made fire hydrants, couldn't park near the place"


"You couldn't have everything, where would you put it"


"last night I played poker with tarot cards, i got a full house and 4 people died"


"last year I went fishing with salvatore dali, he used a dotted line and caught every other fish.


"when I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, did you sleep good? I said, no I made a few mistakes."


"All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand"


"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark"


"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.

So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"


My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.


I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape

of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.


I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said

to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is

traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything

happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

-- Steven Wright


I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to

go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.

Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end

of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and

she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

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What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?



Somone that sits up all night wondering if there is a dog.


Check out my original music at



"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice,

but not in practice."

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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield.



Its butt.



It's a man's first day as a bus driver. He gets to the bus lot where the attendent leads him to his bus. Unfortunatley, the whole outside is painted with Sesame Street characters. Not a good start, but hey, I'm the new guy, he thinks to himself. He heads out on his route and at the first stop two incredibly obese ladies squeeze into the bus. "Hi. I'm Patty," the first one giggles. The second does the same and they go sit down. At the next stop a lady gets on with her son. "This is Ross," she tells the driver. "He's special." That's nice the driver replies and heads for the next stop. At the third stop a guy named Leonard gets on the bus. He sits down, takes off his shoes and much to everyone's disdain, starts picking at his feet. The day goes down hill from there. Finally his route is over and he weerily drags himself home. His wife greats him at the door anxious to find out how his day went. "It was horrible," he replied. "I had two obese Patty's, special Ross, Leonard picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus." (was this jingle from the 70's?)

Raise your children and spoil your grandchildren. Spoil your children and raise your grandchildren.
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Originally posted by Vince C.:

Originally posted by caprae:

(was this jingle from the 70's?)

It sure was. Buit I can't remember what they gave you if you knew how to rattle the whole thing off.
They gave you high cholestorol, and early heart attack!


Check out my original music at



"In theory there is no difference between theory and practice,

but not in practice."

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I thought it was: two all beef patties (yeah, right!) special sauce (yeah, I bet it is special after they workers get finished "adding" their own flavoring to it) lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.


I'm kinda hungry now.


I didn't realize the socks thing was a Steven Wright joke. I had a buddy in the Navy and he would wear what ever socks he grabbed and when asked he'd say they matched and that he went by thickness.

check out some comedy I've done:


My Unitarian Jihad Name: Brother Broadsword of Enlightened Compassion.

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A blond walks up to a group of her friends and is all kinds of excited because she has learned the capitals of all of the states. "Go ahead," she challenges one of her friends. "Just ask me." "Okay," the friend says. What's the capital of Wisconsin?" "W!"
Raise your children and spoil your grandchildren. Spoil your children and raise your grandchildren.
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What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet?


Toilets only take crap from one a**hole at a time.



Quasimoto goes on vacation. The priest put up signs in search of a temporary bell ringer.


One day the priest answers a knock at the doors of Notre Dame and is met by a man with no arms who says, "I'm here for the bell ringer job!"


"But how will you ring the bell, my son?" asks the priest.


"Bring me to the bell tower and I'll show you." says the armless man.


They arrive at the bell tower, the armless man runs at the bell, intending to headbutt it, but he trips over the rope, glances off the bell, tumbles out the side of the tower and falls to his death!


The priest runs down to the street. The crowd asks him, "Father! Who is this man?!?"


"I don't know.." begins the priest, "..but his face rings a bell."


The next day the priest answers another knock at the doors of Notre Dame and is horrified to see what he believes to be the man who fell to his death the previous day. Quickly, the armless man before him explains. "I am the twin brother of the man who died here yesterday, and it is my duty to finish what he could not."


The priest says, apprehensively, "Well.. he never really rung the bell to my satisfaction."


"Let me show you." says the armless man.


They rise to the bell tower and the armless man takes a solid run for the bell. His forehead slams into the brass producing a dull, if loud, "bong!" The man was thrown for a loop and after several, stumbling steps he fell from the very opening his brother went through and fell to his death!


When the priest arrived on the street the crowd asked, "Who is this man, father??"


"I don't know.." said the priest. "..But he's a dead ringer for the guy who died here yesterday."


(Just remember, as bad as this joke was, anyone reading this probably read the entire joke! ;):D )


I've heard most of the jokes here, but they are certainly classics! :thu:

It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman




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A blonde is working on a puzzle at the breakfast table. She has the pieces all spread out. She's looking at the box and getting more and more frustrated.


She asks her boy friend to help her get started.


"I've tried and tried, but I can't make this look like a tiger", she said.


Her boyfriend give her a hug, sweeps all the frosted flakes back into the box and says, "let's go find an easier puzzle hon."

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I was fascinated to find out the other day some new research

into the Big Bang. That's the theory which says about 15

billion years ago, a tremendous explosion happened which

created the universe.


Researchers are now saying the Big Bang is actually part of

a continuing and endless cycle of explosions and expansions

that last trillions of years.


The cycle begins with the Big Dinner and Drinks, then the

Big Bang, which is followed by a Big Cigarette, a Little Nap,

then another Big Bang.


Then, rudely enough, the Universe goes back to its own

apartment and never calls.

I still think guitars are like shoes, but louder.


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