my dads death

[Reverse the Curse]

Just thought I'd share this with you guys.

 

When I was 11, my dad passed away. He had smoked the majority of his life. By the time I was around, he had developed a serious case of emphysema. He got an infection and wasn't able to fight it off.

 

He has really been on my mind lately. As I get more and more into music, I miss him more and more. He was big into music. He went to around 70 Grateful Dead concerts. He was also a drummer in a couple of bands. Currently, I play his drumset. Its an old tama, but he took such nice care of it that it still plays awesome today.

 

I guess it would just be really cool if we could play some of his old records together and he could give me some lessons on the drums. Its been 4 years now, but I don't think I was mature enough at 11 to really handle everything, so its starting to come out now.

 

Just thought I would share that with you guys because its a large part of my love of music. Plus it feels really good to get some of the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen.

[Shannon]

Wow, don't know what to say, but i can't leave you without a response. I'm sympathetic... my father has a problem with smoking... so did his mother... it killed her.... I don't even know how he's made it this far. Its great that you have his drums... its an encouraging reminder. A nice legacy to carry on. I think if I knew my father before he had me we could have had some very inspiring conversations about music. I can't imagine what its like to lose a parent...I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Please excuse me I'm not very good at this sort of thing but felt i should say something. Its a terrrible thing to have to deal with at any age, but i think you have come to the right place for understanding and support. Don't know what to say except feel free to grieve aloud... if we can be sypathetic and supportive about volume pot issues and strange amp problems i'm sure we can spare an ear for something of such real concern.

[Gifthorse]

sorry to hear that man, thats cool he left you some music gear to remember him. i hope you enjoy playing his drums.

[Reverse the Curse]

yea those drums are very special to me. IDK, I just feel right when I'm jammin on them.

 

Thanks for the kind words guys and gals. Wasn't really lookin for sympathy but it feels real good to vent to total strangers

[Mike Gug]

Sorry to hear about your Dad. I'm lucky. Still got both parents.

 

I hope you cherish time with your children because of your experience. Too soon to think about that?

 

You ever think about writing some of your memories down, so as to not forget?

 

I've diaried many instances... little things ... about my kids. It's a blast to go abck and read. You forget so much.

[Super 8]

Well, I can relate pretty well to what you are going through, Cooper.

 

My Dad didn't die when I was 11 though. I was 23. So I had him around a little longer than you had your Dad. But my Dad was kind of a loner with a drinking problem. He was a good guy, and I knew that he loved me, although he wasn't really as involved in my life as I wanted him to be. It was mostly my Mom and I (I'm an only child).

 

It's been 13 years since my Dad died. I miss him often. Unfortunately, enough time has passed that his image is becoming a little faded in my mind. I can still see him and hear him, but it's not as clear as it used to be.

 

I totally understand about you wishing you could do some playing with your Dad.

My Dad wasn't musical, but there have been so many times that I've wished I would talk to him, get his advice on something. In the time since he has died, I have met a wonderful woman and gotten married. Within the past 3 years, we have had 2 children. My Dad will never get to meet them. They will never be able to know him.

There will never be a point in my life where my Dad will put his hand on my shoulder and say; "Son, you did alright. I'm proud of you.".

It bums me quite a bit to think about that.

 

The loss is something you never get over, Cooper. But you carry on. Life continues, and you have to be a part of it. It is good to mourn the loss, and to reflect on who your father was. But it's not good to dwell on it. There is no life among the dead. There is only life among the living.

 

You said that it's been 4 years, so I am assuming that you are about 15 now? Man, you have got so much life to live right now. So much is going to happen in your life in just the next 5 years.

 

I think that there are some lessons that you and I can both draw from our fathers, Cooper. One of them is that neither of our Dads really took very good care of themselves. Your Dad smoked....my Dad drank.

Personally, I have never had a problem with drinking. But still, I don't drink more than a couple of times a year. For some reason, drinking just doesn't do much for me. It's fun once in a while and that's about it. I could never imagine coming home and opening a beer just to relax. That's not my style.

I have never in my life smoked a cigarette. I hope that is a lesson you take from your Dad, Cooper, because I see a lot of people about your age picking up the habit, and I think it's really sad. They really have no idea what they are getting themselves into.

 

My Dad's father died when he was 2 years old. My Dad never got to know his father, and obviously, I never got to know him as a grandfather.

My Dad died when I was 23.

Now I have two little kids of my own. My goal is to be around for them for as long as I possibly can.

I'm not saying I'm a total health nut -'cuz I'm not!, But I do know that I am in much better condition than my father was, when he was my age.

 

Sorry if any of this got 'preachy'. I didn't mean it to. But I understand what you are feeling -because I go through it myself-, and I wanted to share a few thoughts.

 

Thanks for starting this thread...

 

Hang in there, bro. If you need to talk, please do.

[Chad Thorne]

Cooper,

 

It's so good that you are wise enough to recognize the grieving process in yourself. I was nearly 50 when my dad passed two years ago, and although that's the natural way of things, it's still not easy. I can never imagine being a young guy like you and losing a parent. Is there someone you can talk with about your feelings about Dad - Mom, or somebody?

 

Shortly after my dad passed I heard an author on NPR who'd written a book about when guys lose their dads. He said we often use our dad's tools, or sporting equipment, etc. as a way of feeling connected to him. For me it was my dad's guns - he loved to hunt, and last fall I bought a hunting license for the first time in 30 years and went out with one of his rifles. You go ahead and play those drums, and Dad will be right there with you.

[Guitarzan]

my Dad passed away when i was 9. we were waiting for hi to come home from his new job (third day). and he didn't. he had a heart attack about a mile from home. that was 35 years ago. i missed out on some stuff growing up, but it helped having a super mom.

[BiC]

I share the same sentiments as everyone else does.

I can't say "I know how you feel", because simply I do not. Unless someone has lost an immediate family member, their father in particular, they can never know the loss & pain you are experiencing. My advice to you is this- Celebrate & commemorate your father's life by doing those special things the two of you shared, or those things that was near and dear to his heart. Was there a special place the two of you would often go to? What was your father's favorite song? You can play that as a tribute to him. Have you tried writing a song for your father? Remember the good times you shared, and the words of wisdom that he spoke to you, then carry that along with you throughout your life.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

 

God Bless

[Axeholder]

Yes, miss him, but not badly.

Remember your daddy's watching you in the paradise. He is still living in your heart, isn't it? That's enough. so don't be so down.

 

Though your missing of him might once caused a serious hurt in your heart, I think as time slips by, your pain will be reduced naturally.

If he's still alive, he won't be please to see you down for now. So now let's be more brave to live, to meet every difficulties, cause you still have friends and relatives, they may help you someday.

[Teahead]

You should be glad of the time that you had together and thankful that his legacy of rhythm and music can still touch you.

 

Luckily for you that's something that will never leave. Touching story, thanks for sharing...

 

Tea.

[Billster]

That's a particularly tough age to lose a parent. My mother was very sick when I was a teenager, and it forced me grow up quickly. There is an upside to looking out for yourself at that age, but it's a high price. It took a lot of years for me to be sentimental about the times gone by. You are on the right path.

[Tedster]

Coop...you're young enough to be a son of mine. Hope you don't mind...here's a hug from an old bro. I lost my dad when I was 6. My dad was a drummer, too. He played in one of those dance combos (as they used to call them) back in the 50s and early 60s. I sure wish I had gotten to hear one of his gigs.

 

As a dad myself, who has a 21 year old son playing drums, and a 17 year old daughter playing guitar, I can vouch for the fact that nothing is making your dad happier or prouder right now where he is in that Great Beyond than being able to watch you play his kit...even though he can't actually be there to help you along. He left you the records he loved, the ones he practiced along with, and in that sense, yup, he's giving you lessons. The torch, the legacy, is being passed on, and the future of those drums is quite safe. What could possibly be better!!!

[Darklava]

Cooper sounds like you really got it together,

keep on keepin on

[Darklava]

Originally posted by Tedster:

Coop...you're young enough to be a son of mine. Hope you don't mind...here's a hug from an old bro. I lost my dad when I was 6. My dad was a drummer, too. He played in one of those dance combos (as they used to call them) back in the 50s and early 60s. I sure wish I had gotten to hear one of his gigs.

 

As a dad myself, who has a 21 year old son playing drums, and a 17 year old daughter playing guitar, I can vouch for the fact that nothing is making your dad happier or prouder right now where he is in that Great Beyond than being able to watch you play his kit...even though he can't actually be there to help you along. He left you the records he loved, the ones he practiced along with, and in that sense, yup, he's giving you lessons. The torch, the legacy, is being passed on, and the future of those drums is quite safe. What could possibly be better!!!

Ted you are one cool and lucky guy.

[A String]

I'm so glad to hear that you still remember your father fondly. I belive that a big part of dealing with someone passing is to embrace who they were. Far too many people try to forget because it hurts too much. But the pain will go away and be replaced with strong feelings of attachment. You'll always miss him, but he will always be a part of you.

 

I look at it this way, if he were watching you right now, would he want you to cry every time you think of him or smile and remember a fond memory? Play that drum kit for all it's worth and always think of him when you do.

[Reverse the Curse]

Thanks so much guys.

 

Its tough sometimes to remember anything but the last few days when he was in the hospital. But most of the time I can still remember how he was the funniest hippie I've ever met

 

I still have my mom (who is currently in the running for mother-of-the-year ), my brother who is in his early 20's, and my sister who is in her mid 20's.

 

We have had to go through some tough times, but we always do it together.

[Dave da Dude]

Originally posted by DARKLAVA:

Cooper sounds like you really got it together,

keep on keepin on

Yeah, I'll second that

[tiger85]

The death of a family member is tough but it demonstrates the importance of family and friends in one's life. Some of the world's wealthiest and most powerful people have died without having either friend or family around them, their value is priceless.

[NMcGuitar]

It's a wonderful thing that you have something to remember him by that is so powerful. Music will keep him close to you forever.

I'm glad you seem to be doing so well with this loss.

[Reverse the Curse]

Music will keep him close to you forever.

Thats so true. I think it might be time to dig through the tapes we have of his performances. I gotta know the legacy I have to carry forward

 

Thanks a lot guys. Dicussing this with family and dicussing it with you guys are 2 totally different yet rewarding experiences.

[Big Red 67]

My dad didn't die. He married my Moms best friend then stoped being a part of my life. The last time I heard from him I was in college gettin' A's and he sent me a birthday card saying another year down the drain with a toliet flushing on the front. I am glad for you and I have choosen to adopt my step father as a father. Again you seem to be lucky or loved by the way you responded.

[Reverse the Curse]

I feel that I'm very lucky to have such a great Dad and that I got as much time to spend with him as I did. I also have a wonderful mom.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your father Red. I hope your step-dad is a good guy.

[Werewolf by Night]

I'm glad you had some musical connections with your Dad. Sounds like he was a great guy!

 

I've really been missing my Uncle, who passed on a couple of years ago. He was a character, you could say he was a bit eccentric (and then some), but a bigger-hearted and more sincerely generous soul never drew a breath. Dirt poor himself, once he'd seen a homeless guy show up at his church and he literally gave him "the shirt off his back" when the guy commented on liking his shirt!

 

He encouraged me to pick out and buy my first decent electric guitar- a little, all natural Peavey T-15 with a 23.5" scale- when I was a young kid, even though he hated rock music in general. (Partly a 'religious' matter there.) He drove me to a music store, and put in a good word for me where he worked to help me get a Summer job so that I could get it. (I'm sure he would have bought me one if he could have, but he was just barely scratchin' along for his wife and himself.) He used to sit and lean his head back, eyes closed, and listen to me play little arpeggiated ditties, and comment later that it was so good, if he could drift off to sleep by it, all relaxed!

 

Well, I'm sorry if I've highjacked this thread here; just wanted you to feel that you're not entirely alone in these kinds of things...

[spiral light]

I lost my Father when I was 2 years old, I still miss him and get affected by the loss to this day. My Mother did an amazing job of bringing us all up on her own (I was the last of 5).

[sgguitarzz]

Some really great and touching posts here. It is always tough to lose a parent. I lost my Dad when I was 21 and my Mom when I was 41. I miss them both very much.

 

I am sorry I was never able to experience relating to my Dad as an adult. It is sad that he never got to see any of his kids get married (my older brother was married a few months after he died).It is also sad that he never was able to retire and enjoy his grandchildren. As a kid I never realize how hard it was for my Dad going to work 6 days a week leaving the house at 6:30 every morning and not getting home until 8:00 that night. In the summer taking a hot bus to the subway and spending another hour on a hot subway train (this was in the days before all NY mass transit had a/c), working all day in a hot store. The things you take for granted as a kid.

My Dad was never a musician but he did love music and he would have enjoyed seeing his son play professionally. I think it is great Cooper that you have your Dad's drums. I am sure he would be so proud to see you play. I have been very lucky to have had my son see me play a few times. It is quite a feeling to look down from the stage and see your son enjoying your music and being proud of you.

 

In my high school circle of friends all of the guys lost their dads at young ages. We used to say we must be cursed. I used to tell friends who fought with their parents to stop and think about just how lucky they were to still have them alive. As kids we know everything and nothing.

 

Sorry for carrying on. I guess we all need to vent on a subject such as this occassionally.

 

Dennis