Moral dilema

[Dave da Dude]

Actually, it's two moral dilemas, a marital dilema and a guitar dilema.

 

The problem:

 

1) My daughter gave me a money order for the balance on my Highway 1 Strat on layaway (for the last 11 months).

 

2) I'm unemployed and benefits (aka money) has run out.

 

3) The moral part:

a) My daughter specifically gave me the money to get the guitar.

b) We have VERY little money.

 

4) The marital dilema (for current marrieds only); My wife resents it, she didn't get as much from Jenny. She resents spending it on a guitar and not food. This is all when she's in a "foul" mood (all too frequently). In "lucid" moments, she asks me when I'm going to go and pick it up.

 

As I stated before in jest, but it has a ring of truth to it to: The money ($170 USD) will only supply food enough for a week, or less. We start receiving "Food Stamps" this week, other support next week. We have some Supplemental Adoption money coming in. The guitar will last for a lifetime (ref: my 1972 Martin D-18, original owner).

 

5) The guitar: I want it. I need it. I have to have it. It's beautiful How long will this very nice guy at the guitar shop carry me on this?

 

Opinions?

 

Dave the Dumbfounded

[Guitar Geezer]

Dave...got a similar dilema Received a American Express Gift Check this Christmas which will pretty much snag the Tele Copy that I'm lusting for. Essex Tele However, we just moved into the new (to Us) house (After 3 burglaries at hte old Townhouse - we HAD to get out) and then a $700 Car repair bill It's a little tight (Fortunatley we have good jobs, I sincerely hope and pray your situation turns around this year)

Anyway, the Gift Check is sitting in the Jewelry box for the time being...just in case we need it for whatever.

 

But then again, you have been patiently waiting for your Highway 1 for as long as I've been around here....

 

Tough Call Dude.....

 

Hey...get a Lottery ticket

 

LynnG

[Tedster]

Wow, Dave...

 

Let's just say I've been in EXTREEEEEEMELY similar situations. Your wife sounds a lot like mine. Too similar, as a matter of fact. Scary. I've been way broke, too, so I know what that's about.

 

Hmmmm...Jenny sent you the money for the guitar. And then you have the whole "Give a man a fish, he eats for a day, give a man a guitar, he picks for a lifetime" thing.

 

I would call your daughter and be up front and explain everything you outlined here. Find out what she wants. If she still says "Dad, you know you can get food stamps...but I really want you to have that guitar" then you know what to do.

[James-Italy]

Damn, that really sucks Dave... sorry to hear about your tough situation. Hope the new year brings you some positive changes man!

 

I'm with Ted here, check with your daughter and talk it over seriously with your wife. Obviously, you aren't taking the food/rent money and buying a guitar. It's money that your daughter had a very specific idea in mind when she gave it to you. She wasn't sending you a check for the light bill, but for the guitar you've been longing for last 11 months. If you can swing it, I'd steer you in the direction of the guitar.

[Caevan O’Shite]

Yeah, it's almost as if your daughter sent a payment to the store, that way.

 

But, definitely talk it over with both your daughter, and your wife- when you both are in lucid, calm moods and can deal with this rationally.

 

Maybe you can think of a way to plan something down the road that will make your wife feel less "left out" and let down, something for her to enjoy and feel good about? If at all possible, with little or no money involved, so that it could be sooner than later; although I know, that's probably not very realistically likely. But discuss this with her, when you are both able to think and speak calmly and rationally.

 

It's not going to be the popular or fun answer here, but... maybe you should defer the guitar, maybe at least put it off for a short time to make your wife feel better, less left-out and all. You don't have to be left-out to feel left-out! often, guys need there "toys" to be had, and gals need there "needs" to be met...

 

God, I wish I wasn't broke- I'd send you some cash! (I know, easy to say that, easy to make empty promises, huh?)

[DIAMOND DUST]

I hope thing's turn around for you bro. I have been married for five years and can relate to your predicament. Wives and guitars seem to be an oxymoron at times. Good luck Dave.

[Dave da Dude]

First of all, thanks a lot guys.

 

At first I thought it was getting ignored because it was such a tough question. I should have known better than that.

 

My wife (graciously, at the time) put her $200 Christmas present (actually all four of us, but we "gave" it to her) into "the fund" just after Christmas. We thought we were going to be able to replace it in two days and get her a 17" monitor, she has a cataract in one eye, but somehow the money "dissappeared". We have a deposit going in to bank tomorrow, I'm goining to try and get her the monitor tomorrow morning, IF there's enough left over (back to the "books").

 

I think I'll probably wait (Procrastinate? I hope not.) 'til the crisis is over (after talking to my daughter). Get the monitor when I can (I hope tomorrow), save the other for a real emergency (if it develops) and when all is "normal", get the Strat (sighhhh ), I think the store will wait, they've been great so far.

 

Sorry, I had to let this reply sit for an hour to run out to the bank, get subs for lunch, etc.

 

Thanks for all the help. Any gals out there have an opinion?

 

Dave

[BiC]

Hi Dave,

 

My mother-in-law gave my wife and I each $100 for Christmas. At first, we thought of putting this toward our fertility treatments for a baby. Actually, we had set it aside for that reason.

 

But then we got to thinking... she gave us this $$$ as a gift . It would be rather selfish of us to place it toward our treatment- which we have to save at least $6,000 for.

 

We would basically be using it to "pay bills". We wanted to stay true to her gift giving, so we deicided to buy a digital camera instead of "paying bills" with the $200.

 

I say that to say this, maybe your daughter would really like to see you with the guitar? She knows how much joy that would bring you, plus the joy it would give her as well.

 

Explain it this way to your wife, and I believe you will have her support in using the $$$ to get the guitar. At least this is what your daughter would want since this was her gift to you.

 

I hope this helps.

 

Peace

[Dave da Dude]

BiC,

 

I agree with you completely, except for the last part, explaining it to my wife that way. Right now our relationship isn't strong enough for that.

 

The long periods of unemployment can do that to people. Its not just the money, it's getting on each other's "nerves".

 

I appreciate the advise though. It reinforces what my thoughts are on this. I just need to "tread lightly". Remember the (American) Revolutionary flag?

 

Dave

[BiC]

Yes Dave, you know your wife better than any of us, and when and when not to approach her on certain issues.

 

Just remain cognitive to her, and the opportunity is bound to present itself.

 

In the meantime, serve & love her with a selfless love.

 

Peace

[Teahead]

How about a compromise Dave? If you use just some of the money to make another payment on the Strat,(assuring the seller of your intentions and putting the first days playing that much closer) and contribute the rest towards your household funds?

It sounds like you've decided to acquiesce and wait for your guitar already. Good for you, being strong enough not to throw a tantrum.

I'm sure you can feel the sympathy here from others who have to navigate the marital waters when looking forward to new gear!

Best of luck, Tea.

[Blue Strat]

Sorry to hear about your dilema. It's a crappy situation, and couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

 

Got any gear you can live without? I've gotten to where I'll ask myself that question when I want something new, kind of an unwritten rule. Something new comes in, something old goes out (within reason. ). If I decide that there's something I can live without I'll sell it to finance something new.

 

About the money: If it is going to be a source of marital strife, it may be best to make a compromise. The suggestion of putting half the money towards the groceries and the other half toward the guitar is a logical one. Ultimately it's up to you. Do what you can live with.

[revolead]

I dunno what to tell you Dave. Honestly, I've always believed the family well-being comes before the guitars, no matter what. But your story presents an intriguing situation, I'm sure many of us never want to be in, unfortuantely all to many of us have. Speaking from someone who's never been married or had a family, as I'm only 18, I can only offer little advice.

I know guitars mean a lot to everyone on this forum. But personally, (this may be my young idealistic position) family and bills should always come first. And when in doubt, I would just ask help from God. He's always been there for me, even when it doesn't seem like it.

 

-Rev

[Dave da Dude]

BiC,

In the meantime, serve & love her with a selfless love.

That's the part I'm having trouble with right now. I know that will change, just havin' trouble with it right now.

 

Revolead,

I agree with you, BUT the dilema is not so much that I want the guitar, but that my daughter gave me the money specifically to get the guitar and if the money is used for groceries (which we will get somehow anyway), I've disrespected her wishes.

 

I think I'll stick with the "wait and see" approach for now.

 

Thanks for all ya' alls support.

[Dak Lander]

Dave, Dude, I'd probably do as suggested a couple of times before & compromise. Give the shop another payment. That will help assure them your intentions are still valid and will also help a bit on the home front.

[Dave da Dude]

Daklander,

Dave, Dude, I'd probably do as suggested a couple of times before & compromise.

Yeah, I know. Life is full of compormises. Yours is a good suggestion. I'll see how the money "falls" in the morning and go from there.

 

BTW bluestrat, I'm not quite at the point to get rid of gear yet. I've got a real nice solid state amp (JC55), a decent tube amp (they'll have to pry it from my dead cold fingers), the Martin D-18, Ovation 12-string (my wife's favorite sound), the Raven H-S-H with the Highway 1 Strat coming.

 

The only thing I see as possibly dispensable is the Raven, and I've kinda' been figurin' on makin' that my "Hard Rock" guitar with Pearly Gates (n), SD "Hot" SC (m) and "Distortion" (b). I could give that up, but then have no "Hard Rocker", maybe I could live with that, but who'd buy it? Maybe $250 on ebay? Hmmmm ....

 

Then I could get the "Les Paul Sound" later. Hmmmm ....

[alguit]

Dave,

 

First of all, I also want to wish you the best in these times; you're a good guy and a fellow guitar lover, and we all are keeping you in our thoughts.

 

I'm just here to echo what's been said; your daughter's gift, if at all possible, is to be honored and cherished. It seems as though you're fairly confident that the other factors will work themselves out, so do what you can to make the Strat happen. If it's making another payment, work out the minimum. If it means naming it after either your daughter or wife (maybe a good political move!), go for it.

 

I had to sell two guitars this summer to pay for my brother's funeral, and while I had no regrets over having to do that, I also knew that I could easily start to rationalize the rest of my life's purchases that way-that there's always something more important, that another instrument can always wait. However, I also did not regret buying some new equipment once the financial situation started to clear up. We're musicians as much as we are anything else, and these instruments help that part of us flourish and, at least, survive life's troubles. Taking care of yourself is important, too.

 

Anyway, you'll have to make the decision, obviously, and just know that you are respected in this forum.

[Dave da Dude]

alguit,

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

And thnaks again to everyone for their help with this difficult situation.

 

Dave

[elferoony]

That is such a terrible situation. I realize it's not the person vs. material dilemma it may seem to be on the surface. I wish you best of luck.

[demarc]

Dave,

 

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. In your post about procrastinating, you sound like you have a pretty good handle on the situation and have a sense of direction on this.

 

I can see the point about going for the guit, as that what your daughter intended. I think it is very nice that she really wants to do something nice for you.

 

But I also can appreciate the need to sometimes compromise your needs and feelings for the needs and feelings of your spouse.

 

But as stated above, it seems you already have a sense of where you are going.

 

I hope this new year brings you peace, prosperity, and most of all, peace of mind.

[Corner Pocket]

Once a gift is given, the giver has no say in the use of the gift. If the gift is a DCD player, the giver has no right to say which movies you can or cannot watch.

 

If the gift of money is to be used in a specific fashion, then the best way to give that gift is through gift certificates.

 

I think that if your daughter wanted you to have that guitar to the exclusion of all other things, whe would have gone directly to the guitar shop and made it happen.

 

As far as relationships are concerned, I believe that once you are married, you have the absolute obligation to do *everything* to make it work. *Everything*.

 

My other thought is the idea of $170.00 for one week of groceries. That's a lot of food. I don't know the size of your family, but $170.00 can buy a lot of good, nutricious tasty food. I feed a family of four on less than half that, and two of us could stand to eat a bit less and lose some weight.

 

Family first dude. Once you are no longer single you have to take care of needs before you take care of your wants.

 

Paul

[Mike Gug]

No one's gonna criticize you for feeding your family.

 

[Rickorder]

Hi Dave,

Sorry to hear about this. Gosh, there sure is some good advice here from people with some very warm hearts. This is a real tough one. This is the kind of issue that I wish I could sit down with you over a beer and talk. But, here's my 2 cents, through the magic of a keyboard.

Your daughter sounds like she desperatly wants to give you this money for more than just giving you money. I think , she wants to contribute to your Happiness. What daughter or Son for that matter, wouldn't want to see a glow in their parents eyes? They reach an age, where they know their parents aren't going to be around forever , they see the struggles, the dedication, the blood, sweat and tears that went into raising a family. Maybe to her, seeing you light up gives her assurance that you still have drive and a spirit about you that brings about a certain calmness in her. Sort of like... If your'e happy, then she can rest, and be happy.

The financial part of this is another story indeed.

I think , most importantly, that the Family situation has to rule out at this moment in time.

Keeping the trust , the love in a relationship is hard enough, without adding on the incredible weight of financial despair. Explain to your daughter that what she wanted to do for you ,was the most beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful and loving thing she could have done, and that you love her so deeply. She'll understand and she'll be so happy for that and even more happy that you are doing something that will strenghten your family bond. This is the most important thing for sons and daughters. To feel the love within the family.

You'll get your guitar Dave - somehow, someday, you'll get it... Magical things can happen in life to people who sacrifice.

People like yourself... :-)

 

Hope this helps

Truthfully

 

Rick

[Dave da Dude]

Thanks again for all the help 'n support guys.

 

As often happens, time reveals tahe correct path.

 

The food stamps have not arrived yet, the automatic deposit due Saturday did not appear and my wife ran out of insulin. The die is cast. I'll get the guit' later.

 

BTW, rockincyanblues,

Once a gift is given, the giver has no say in the use of the gift.

Not true if specific instructions were added, such as ".. for tuition .."

 

and,

I think that if your daughter wanted you to have that guitar to the exclusion of all other things, whe would have gone directly to the guitar shop and made it happen.

I live in SC, she in Massachusetts.

 

Dave

[BlueZet]

sorry to hear about your problem Dave, now I'm not rich enough to go into my pocket and say 'here you go', but I could not smoke for a couple of days - worth $5, if 33 others do the same, WE'd end up healthier and YOU'd end up playing... ANYONE?

[NMcGuitar]

Dave,

I can't possibly emphasize strongly enough how much I'm sorry you are going through such tough times. I've never met you in person, but through this forum I feel like I know you, and you are certainly someone who deserves better than this.

 

It seems your decision has been made for the time being, so advice and suggestions right now are somewhat moot. Despite that I'll add one thing that I was thinking while reading this thread:

 

I know that you are not a regular-gigging musician. You often depricate your own abilities - I suspect that much of that is more about your modesty than your skills. So.... what are the chances of playing some guitar for $$? Just something simple - maybe sit in with a local group and play rhythm, or find a friend who can sing a few songs and play a local coffeehouse, whatever. The guitar will pay for itself in a couple of gigs, and then you might be able to bring in a little extra cash to help with all your other expenses.

Just a thought.

 

Whatever happens, I sincerely wish you an improved situation as fast as the gods can make it happen, and the best of luck in all things.

Hang in there, my friend.

[Dave da Dude]

badblues,

.. but I could not smoke for a couple of days - worth $5, if 33 others do the same, WE'd end up healthier ..

If you just stop the thought right there, ".. We'd end up healthier ..", that would be cool

Nothing else is needed, or asked for. You don't need to do anything for me, I was just asking for advice. I'll get the guitar eventually, it'd be cool if you're still all around and NOT smoking.

 

Sorry, you hit one of my "soapbox issues", I'm a reformed smoker. I quit 24 years ago when I was "smoking" three packs a day.

 

Seriously, thanks for the thought, but just quit smoking, not for me, but for yourself.

 

Neil, thanks for the kind words. It will work out the way it's meant to be. Oh yeah, and the modesty thing, maybe partially - at least when I used to play and practice regulary (30 years ago). Now I'm so rusting I have trouble putting it all together consistently, but ..

 

BTW everyone, finally went to a new church Sunday and the music group doesn't have a single guitar in it! They have drums, bass, keyboard, trumpet and of course singers, but no guitar. I'm going to sit in on their next practice. They play Contemporary Christian, but nothing hard or punk or anything like that (yet ). They need, IMHO, an acoustic type rhythm background, so that's "my bag" (I've got 6 & 12 strings). We'll see if it works out.

 

Dave

[Blue Strat]

You don't have to be Yngwie to make money. Take a look at Everlast, the White Stripes, or Jane's Addiction. None of them have very complex guitar arrangements, but they all just flat-out rock!

 

I'm sure that you can play the songs that made those guys rich and famous. If you know your major, minor, and major 7th chords you can't lose.

[NMcGuitar]

Originally posted by Dave th Dude:

BTW everyone, finally went to a new church Sunday and the music group doesn't have a single guitar in it! They have drums, bass, keyboard, trumpet and of course singers, but no guitar. I'm going to sit in on their next practice. They play Contemporary Christian, but nothing hard or punk or anything like that (yet ). They need, IMHO, an acoustic type rhythm background, so that's "my bag" (I've got 6 & 12 strings). We'll see if it works out.

 

Dave

Cool.

Have fun!

[Dave da Dude]

Neil,

Cool. Have fun!

I sure hope so.