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Authorities Discover Former Beatle Paul McCartney

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Authorities Discover Former Beatle Paul McCartney HOLLYWOOD HILLS, CA (AP) – To the delight of Beatles fans worldwide, the legendary former Beatle, Sir Paul McCartney, has been discovered alive. After searching “here, there and everywhere,” an anonymous tip led police to McCartney’s 4,700 square-foot mansion in the Hollywood Hills on Thursday morning. The 60-year old rocker – also known as “The Walrus” – has been transported to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland for safekeeping. Prominent Beatles historian, Sam Leach, calls the discovery “a major breakthrough.” “A living Paul McCartney can fill in so many gaps in our Beatles knowledge,” says Leach. “Did John [Lennon] prefer his eggs over-easy, poached or scrambled? Who played the first note when they tuned their instruments? These facts can help us improve our understanding of the Beatles phenomenon.” Authorities became aware that the legend may still be alive after he conducted a successful U.S. tour, selling out stadiums nationwide. The possibility of new outtake recordings excites bootleggers and collectors alike. Audio archivist Matthew Frick has taken the arduous job of recording every remaining moment of Sir Paul’s life. “The ‘Let it Be’ recordings gave us a glimpse into the Beatles’ personalities,” says Frick. “When they left the tape running between songs, the Beatles inadvertently recorded conversations that reveal their feelings about their music, their lives and each other. With Paul alive and held captive, we now can literally record thousands of hours of chatter between Paul and his loved ones. It’s staggering.” The ACLU has questioned whether holding McCartney captive violates his rights. “Americans, even famous ones, have certain unalienable rights,” said ACLU Executive Director, Anthony Romero. “No individual can be held prisoner simply to satisfy the curiosity of the masses, nor to drive Cleveland’s failing tourism industry.” “Hold on, he’s British? Never mind,” Romero added. In a statement issued this morning through his publicist, McCartney said he was in “good spirits,” and hoped to be released soon so he could “keep making music for my fans” and “assume sole authorship of ‘Yesterday,’ one of pop’s all-time classic songs.” Police refuse to comment on whether McCartney’s plans to record another classical album have any bearing on his recent incarceration. Rumors that Ringo Starr may still be alive are unfounded, officials said.
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