The Love Dress

[Andre Lower]

Fine, here goes a couple of Johnny ones (hope it's allowed):

 

1) Johnny is perched over the wall that separates the backyard of his parents house from the neighbor's. He is blissfully watching the well-proportioned neighbor's adolescent daughter while she is hanging washed clothes to dry. Flamboyant as always, Johnny winks at the woman and shoots:

 

- Hey sweetie, will you marry me?

 

- I don't like kids at all.

 

- No sweat, we can avoid it...

 

2) Five year old Suzy enters the family's dining room and nonchalantly boasts to her father:

 

- Daddy, Johnny's "thing" is just like a peanut!

 

Daddy coughs up his soup, and trying his best to be modern asks in an uneasy tone:

 

- You mean small?

 

- No, salty.

[ITGITC]

Andre, you too funny!

 

OK. This is the last one. I promise.

 

Many think that Rednecks only live in the Southern part of the United States. That is simply not true.

 

We are everywhere.

 

And for my Redneck buddies, I present this li'l bit ahumor...

=============================

 

 

 

Tips For Red Necks...

IN GENERAL

 

1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.

 

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

 

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

 

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

 

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT

 

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

 

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

 

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

 

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

 

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family)

 

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

 

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

THEATER ETIQUETTE

 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

 

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

WEDDINGS

 

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

 

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

 

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

 

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

 

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

 

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more adult beverages.

 

5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession

 

====================================

[guestuserguestuser.com]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:Tips For Red Necks...

IN GENERAL

 

1. Never take a adult beverages to a job interview.

 

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

 

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

 

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

 

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT

 

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

 

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

 

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

 

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

 

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family)

 

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

 

2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

 

THEATER ETIQUETTE

 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

 

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

 

WEDDINGS

 

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

 

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

 

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

 

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

 

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

 

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

 

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back more adult beverages.

 

5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession

 

====================================

Uhhh, I don't get it.... all that stuff seems right on to me....

 

(<-- for Mike Davis!)

[Mike Davis]

Richard, you probably don't have rednecks in Canada -- maybe this will help to explain it:

 

http://mytrailerpark.com/

[Dreamer]

[ITGITC]

Originally posted by Dreamer:

C'mon Dreamer. Surely they have rednecks in Rome. They just call them something else.

 

Unfortunately, I've never been to Rome (my car won't travel that far and the price of gasoline is out the wazooo!)

[program_insect]

Susan was a beautiful woman, but very conscious of her looks, so when she hit 50, she began to worry that she might be losing her sex appeal. Vain as she was, she pulled some money out of savings and got a boob job and a face lift.

 

Anxious to show off her new stuff, she took a walk around town. She approached the owner of a news stand and said to him, "excuse me, but I was hoping that you could do me a favor...just from looking at me, how old do you think I am?"

 

The guy looked her up and down, and said "I dunno, about 35?" Impressed, she responded "no, I'm 50, but thanks for the compliment!" She was pleased and continued down the road.

 

She stopped at McDonald's and approached the cashier. Again, she asked how old he guessed she was.

 

"I'm not sure, about 28?" She was ecstatic. "Wrong, I'm 50! Thanks anyways!" She left the restaurant.

 

She was really on a roll and feeling great, so she approached an old man at the bus stop. "Excuse me, sir, but I'd like to ask you something...how old do you think I am?"

 

The old man turned and responded "Well miss, I'm as blind as a bat so I have no idea what you look like, but if you humor me, I will tell you how old you are. I'll need to feel your breasts."

 

The woman was taken aback, but she was on such a roll that she decided, what the hell. She unbuttoned her blouse and her full bosoms popped out. The old man began fondeling, squeezing, stroking, and prodding. After a few minutes, he said "you're 50 years old."

 

The woman was amazed..."but how did you know??"

 

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at the McDonald's."

[Dreamer]

[Bosendorphen]

I thought I'd heard it all from my airline pilot friend but these are all new to me!

 

This is one everyone here probably already knows:

 

"How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

 

"None, the keyboard player does it with his left hand."

 

 

Sorry!

[Dreamer]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

C'mon Dreamer. Surely they have rednecks in Rome. They just call them something else.

Tom, I don't know... I guess that I still have to metabolize the black thong thing...

[ITGITC]

That was funny, P_I. I sent it to Dad. He's 89.

 

Here ya go...

 

This one's dedicated to Dave Horne since he likes jokes about religion.

 

==========================

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

 

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.

 

Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

 

"So I took up a collection."

==============================

 

 

[Dreamer]

Done with life

 

http://www.handykult.de/plaudersmilies.de/rough/hanged.gif

[Mike Davis]

Alright Dreamer, here's one for you:

 

Two redneck girls from America (wearing black thongs) are riding bicycles through the streets of Rome.

 

One turns to the other, and says, "This is nice; I've never come this way before."

 

The second one replies, "Me neither - must be the cobblestones."

[Dreamer]

http://www.clicksmilies.com/s0105/lachen/laughing-smiley-014.gif

[Ken Hughes]

Originally posted by Stephen Fortner:

Here's one that was originally meant as a satire of university administrations, but could apply to any large organization. Except CMP Media, of course.

Sounds exactly like CMP to me. . . .

 

>pink slip folded into paper airplane comes sailing into the room<

[ITGITC]

Originally posted by Dreamer:

Tom, I don't know... I guess that I still have to metabolize the black thong thing...

Dr. Dreamer,

 

I apologize for ever putting that vision in your mind. It was a joke. I don't own a black thong (all mine are RED) Kidding. See... I can't help it.

 

My suggestion to you is, when you get off work tonight, go home, take your shoes off, light a few candles, pour yourself a glass of wine, put on some soft music - say Antonio Carlos Jobim... and envision that girl - you know the one... garota de ipanema.

 

 

Here she is now...

 

http://bdmlr-images.frontios.com/albums/userpics/10002/normal_seal5M.jpg

 

I'm sooooo sorry. 3rd grade humor. I'll try to do better. Promise.

[program_insect]

^^ MUCH cuter than I was picturing!!

[Dreamer]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?: envision that girl - you know the one... garota de ipanema...

http://www.garotadeipanema.com.br/galeria67.jpg

 

Tom, how come that my vision is SOO much better than yours?