The Love Dress

[ITGITC]

THE LOVE DRESS

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

 

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

 

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

 

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

 

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

 

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

 

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

 

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

 

"What are you doing?" he asked.

 

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

 

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

 

His funeral will be held Thursday.

 

 

[MidLifeCrisis]

If I were in that story I would have asked why she didn't get it in a smaller size

[Andre Lower]

All right, I can't help contributing jokes. Here's the last good one. Enjoy!

 

A bunch of people was standing in line at a bank, waiting for their turn on the cashier. It was moving rather slowly, and everyone was visibly upset about it. Then a man at the very end of the line starts massaging the shoulders of the guy in front of him. This guy naturally turns back in astonishment and yells:

- Hey, what do you think you're doing?

- I'm sorry, sir. You see, I am a massage therapist, and under stress conditions such as the one we have here I can't help but using my expertise for the benefit of the fellow human being nearest to me. I'm sorry if that disturbed you.

- Look Pal, that's about the lamest excuse I've heard in a long while. I am a lawyer and I'm not screwing the guy in front of me...

[ITGITC]

That's not funny, Andre. My Dad's a lawyer!!

 

 

...just kidding. He's retired.

 

But he does like to send me lame jokes. Here's another one:

===========================

 

Two old guys from the class of '55 are pushing their carts

around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says

to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,

and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

 

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting

a little desperate."

 

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does you wife look like?"

 

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with

red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing

short shorts." What does you wife look like?"

 

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

============================

 

[DaveMcM]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

[ITGITC]

Originally posted by DaveMcM:

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

Is that what you call a 'quickie', Dave?

 

In a bar you might be able to get away with it... telling a bad joke like that. 'cause first of all, nobody's listening and second of all, you can tell a BETTER JOKE real fast & they'll forget what a bad joke the first one was.

 

Unfortunately, this is the 'net and your joke will be floating around for years and years and years to come.

 

Decades from now people will ask "Do you know DaveMCM?" and someone will answer "Why yes. He was the one that posted that really lame joke on The Keyboard Corner back on September 6, 2005, isn't he?"

 

Run Dave... run fast.

[program_insect]

What did the Jewish pedophile say to his last victim?

 

"Hey little girl...wanna buy some candy?"

 

*NOTE: I am Jewish*

[Dave Horne]

I don't like racist, sexist or religious jokes, but in this case I'll make an exception .....

 

There Jewish women are having lunch and the waiter comes by and asks, 'Is anything alright?'

[ITGITC]

[program_insect]

So this bear is driving through Barstow, California, and he decides to stop and get a drink to soothe his thirst. He finds a bar and walks in, then orders a beer.

 

The bartender looks at him and goes "listen buddy, you must have missed the sign out front, but we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Barstow."

 

The bear does a double take..."what are you talking about, all I want is a beer, so please serve it to me." he says.

 

The bartender shakes his head "sorry pal, I told you before and I'll tell you again, no beers, no bears, no bars in Barstow."

 

Now the bear starts getting mad. He puts on a ferocious scowl and growls "listen buddy, if I don't get that beer, I'm gonna lose it...see that lady over there? I'm gonna eat her alive if you don't serve me a frosty glass of brew right now."

 

The bartender stands firm..."no beers for bears in bars in Barstow."

 

Letting out a horrific roar, the bear stands up, grabs the hapless female patron, and gobbles her alive. "NOW GIVE ME THE DAMN BEER!" he shouts.

 

"Sorry, but we don't serve alcohol to drug users in this establishment." replies the barman.

 

Mystified, the bear stammers..."what the hell are you talking about?"

 

"That was a barbituate."

 

 

*ducks rotten tomatoes*

[captainmri]

guy walks into a bar and produces a sack from which he extracts a tiny piano along with an equally small man. the toy-sized guy starts to rip some barrelhouse-izm on the 88's and the bartender can't help but notice.

"holy smokes! where in the world did you find your little friend here?" the man answers, "a while back i was walking on the beach and found a bottle. i wiped the sand off and a genie came out. he granted me three wishes and vanished."

"what did you wish for?" the barkeep asks.

"oh, i made out ok...nice house, plenty of cash, but i think that #*%&@* genie could have been deaf or something. i guess he THOUGHT i said i wanted a 12-inch PIANIST."*

 

*sorry. you get what you pay for...

[DaveMcM]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

Originally posted by DaveMcM:

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

Is that what you call a 'quickie', Dave?

 

In a bar you might be able to get away with it... telling a bad joke like that. 'cause first of all, nobody's listening and second of all, you can tell a BETTER JOKE real fast & they'll forget what a bad joke the first one was.

 

Unfortunately, this is the 'net and your joke will be floating around for years and years and years to come.

 

Decades from now people will ask "Do you know DaveMCM?" and someone will answer "Why yes. He was the one that posted that really lame joke on The Keyboard Corner back on September 6, 2005, isn't he?"

 

Run Dave... run fast.

[Stephen Fortner]

Barbituate! I just got it! Ooooohhh... that's painful. Love these jokes, BTW... they're right on the edge of profanity without going over, which in fact makes them funnier.

 

OK, so two drummers walk past a bar...

 

Just kidding.

[MidLifeCrisis]

A keyboard player walks into a bar with a pig under his arm. The bartender asks "Hey, what are you doing with that pig"?.

The pig responds "I picked him up in a jazz club down the street".

[Stephen Fortner]

OK, this one pushes it, but I don't think anything in it will get us banned from any school libraries...

 

Guy's in a bar having a drink. Says to the bartender "Put a rocks glass on the end of the bar full of beer, and I'll bet you $20 I can flip a quarter into it without splashing any on the bar."

 

"You're on," says the bartender, and obliges. Then, the patron indeed flips a quarter into the glass, splashing beer all over the place. He happily hands the bartender a crisp $20 bill, then says

 

"Gimme a chance to make my money back. Pour me a shot of tequila, and I'll bet you $50 I can throw the liquid into the air, catching the whole shot in my mouth without spilling a drop." The bartender is getting dubious, but is amused, and obliges.

 

The guy picks up the shot glass, flicks his wrist, and promptly splashes tequila all over himself. Cheerily, he hands the bartender $50.

 

"One more bet, then I'll go. $100 says that if you put a beer glass on the end of the bar, I can stand up, fill it with pee from here, and not spill a drop." The bartender has a serious eyeborw raised at this point, but it's a slow night and he's enjoying winning, so he takes the bet.

 

The patron stands up, unzips, and proceeds to befoul the entire surface of the bar, not even getting anywhere near the beer glass. When he's done, he sits and hands the bartender a crisp, new $100 bill. The bartender gets out towels and disinfectant to clean up, and is grinning from ear to ear, laughing at this idiot, who just smiles back at him.

 

"I don't get you," says the bartender, barely able to keep a straight face, "You seem perfectly happy that you've lost $170 on these impossible bets. What's your deal, anyway?"

 

"See that guy over in by the pool table?" says the patron, "I just bet him $500 that if I urinated all over your bar, you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face."

[Dreamer]

[Dave Bryce]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

Originally posted by DaveMcM:

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop!

Is that what you call a 'quickie', Dave?

Nah, it's a one-liner..a Henny Youngman tradition.

 

dB

[Dreamer]

[Geoff Grace]

Originally posted by Is There Gas in the Car?:

Is that what you call a 'quickie', Dave?

Here's a quickie:

 

Two guys decided to go hunting. On their drive up to the mountains, they saw a sign that said, "BEAR LEFT" - so they went home.

 

 

Best,

 

Geoff

[ITGITC]

The following humor was sent to me via email by a WOMAN... (just so you'll know... There's NO WAY I could've made this stuff up.)

 

 

>>> If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days

>>> you would have produced enough sound energy

>>> to heat one cup of coffee.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (Hardly seems worth it.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> If you passed gas consistently for 6 years

>>> and 9 months, enough gas is produced to

>>> create the energy of an atomic bomb.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (Now that's more like it!)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> The human heart creates enough pressure when

>>> it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30

>>> feet.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (O.M.G.!)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> A cockroach will live nine days without its

>>> head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (I'm still not over the pig.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Banging your head against a wall uses 150

>>> calories an hour.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> The male praying mantis cannot copulate while

>>> its head is attached to its body. The female

>>> initiates sex by ripping the male's

>>> head off.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> The flea can jump 350 times its body length.

>>> It's like a human jumping the length of a

>>> football field.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a

>>> pond?)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (I still want to be a pig in my next

>>> life...quality over quantity)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Butterflies taste with their feet.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (Something I always wanted to know.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> The strongest muscle in the body is the

>>> tongue.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (Hmmmmmm........)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Right-handed people live, on average, nine

>>> years longer than left-handed people.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the

>>> difference?)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Elephants are the only animals that cannot

>>> jump.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (OK, so that would be a good

>>> thing....................)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> A cat's urine glows under a black light.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (I know some people like that.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Starfish have no brains.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (I know some people like that too.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Polar bears are left-handed.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> Humans and dolphins are the only species

>>> that have sex for pleasure.

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>>

>>> (What about that pig??)

>>>

>>>

==================================

 

[Dreamer]

[ITGITC]

OK. Last one. I promise.

 

>> The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to

>> take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,

>> or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

>>

>> Here are this year's winners:

>>

>>

>> 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until

>> you realize it was your money to start with.

>>

>> 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

>>

>> 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

>> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows

>> little sign of breaking down in the near future.

>>

>> 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of

>> getting laid.

>>

>> 5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

>> subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

>>

>> 6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

>>

>> 7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

>> person who doesn't get it.

>>

>> 8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

>>

>> 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

>>

>> 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

>>

>> 11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

>> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's

>> like, a serious bummer.

>>

>> 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

>> consuming only things that are good for you.

>>

>> 13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

>>

>> 14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

>> they come at you rapidly.

>>

>> 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

>>

>> 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into

>> your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

>>

>> 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in

>> the fruit you're eating.

>>

>> And the pick of the literature:

>> 18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an butthole.

 

====================================

 

[Mike Davis]

Sniglets!

[K K]

http://membre.megaquebec.net/skriabin/PhoneCall.gif

[Stephen Fortner]

Here's one that was originally meant as a satire of university administrations, but could apply to any large organization. Except CMP Media, of course.

 

New chemical Element Discovered

 

by William DeBuvitz

 

(This bit of humor was written in April 1988 and appeared in the January 1989 issue of The Physics Teacher. William DeBuvitz is a physics professor at Middlesex County College in Edison, New Jersey (USA). He retired in June of 2000.)

 

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

 

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

 

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

 

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[guestuserguestuser.com]

CHOOSING A WIFE:

 

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

 

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

 

The man was impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

 

Again, the man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

 

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought long & hard about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

He decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.

[MidLifeCrisis]

The Ant and the Grasshopper Story

 

OLD VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house

and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks hes a fool

and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant

is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies

out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

 

MODERN VERSION:

 

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks hes a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

 

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

 

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ants house where the news stations film the group singing We shall overcome. Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshoppers sake.

 

Tom Daschle & Walter Mondale exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share. Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

 

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

 

The ant loses the case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ants old house, crumbles around him because he doesnt maintain it.

 

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican!!!

[AnCap]

"MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Republican!!!"

 

Republicans lower taxes and refuse to waste money on worthless causes? This must be a joke thread.

[ITGITC]

Ummmmmm, moving right along...

 

Here's a story about little Johnny:

===================================

 

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him

and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

 

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

 

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll

need to support Jenny."

 

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

 

By this time Mr. Smith! is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with

something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

 

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What

will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

 

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

 

[JMcS]

There's this guy who loves to run. Every morning as the sun comes up he goes out to run. One morning, the weather is perfect, he's feeling great and he just starts cruising. He runs much farther than usual, but he feels great.

 

After a while, nature calls. He looks around for a good spot to answer as he runs. He finds some bushes and jogs behind them and takes care of business. Now he feels even better so he takes off running again.

 

After a while a woman jogs up next to him. She nods to him and keeps running next to him. This is turning out to be a great day. Shortly after she joins him she says "I couldn't help but notice how nice a running form you have and how in shape you look as I ran up behind you, would you mind if we stopped so I could have a better look at your body?" This guy is in heaven now. He says no he wouldn't mind, so they stop.

 

She looks at him for a second and then asks if he would take off his shirt so she could better see his great physique. She admires him for a moment and then says she is so impressed with his "runners body" she would like to see it all. She askes if it would be all right if she pulled his shorts down to see all of his fantastic body. He thinks this is the greatest day of his life and says that's fine with him.

 

She pulls his pants down and steps back and looks at him and says "such a fantastic body and you are well hung too. He can't believe his good fortune. She asks if she may fondle his testacles. He shivers a little and says "please, help yourself". She cradles one in each hand and caresses them exclaiming "they are like warm fuzzy peaches. Then she smashes her hands together and yells "don't you EVER shit in my yard again".