ricknbokker Posted May 6, 2001 Share Posted May 6, 2001 Alrighty then... My wife is a non-musician. Over the years, this has caused quite a few problems, mostly related to the amount of time I spend on the craft. Because of this, I spend less and less time 'doing' music, which bugs me since the older I get, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more time I want to spend...oh, you know what I mean. Anyway, I thought maybe some of you could give me some input regarding this situation. Similar experiences? Any thoughts at all would be appreciated. Thanx much in advance... Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jackpine Posted May 6, 2001 Share Posted May 6, 2001 And there's nothing as warm and fuzzy for your wife than telling her your going to drop another 3k on the xy2000 bit-blaster pro.....instead of that hot tub. www.relayerstudios.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Flier Posted May 6, 2001 Share Posted May 6, 2001 Let this be a lesson to all you guys who are still single: marry a musician! They're the only ones who will really understand you. By the way, I'm a single female musician and engineer. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Seriously, I don't think most people who don't have a "calling" in life, whether music or something else, ever really understand people who do. That's a tough one. I don't think they get the fact that it's a compulsion and you really can't stop doing it even if you wanted to. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif They take it as a personal slight, when it really has nothing to do with THEM and everything to do with what your calling is. Sometimes a spouse can feel better once they realize that. Steve, maybe your wife feels that your tendency to make music a priority over HER is a slight on HER. So you might try doing some little extra things when you ARE with her, to let her know how much you do appreciate and value her and the marriage. Take some time to remind her of those things. Also you might want to tell her that you really CAN'T spend any less time with your music and still be the guy she loves. To not serve music would fundamentally change you as a person and not for the better. Also if there is any way she can be involved in your musical career, like handling the band mailing list or something like that, it might bring you closer together. Does she go to your gigs? Do you ask her for feedback on your songs or recordings? I don't know if any of these things will help but they do tend to be common elements in happy marriages I know between musicians and non musicians. --Lee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curve Dominant Posted May 6, 2001 Share Posted May 6, 2001 I'll stay married to music, thank you very much. curvedominant Eric Vincent (ASCAP) www.curvedominant.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eric Worthington Posted May 6, 2001 Share Posted May 6, 2001 "You nearly had me roped and tied Altar bound, hypnotized. Sweet Freedom whispered in my ear, 'You're a butterfly' And butterflies are free to fly.... I'm sleeping by myself tonight, thank god my music's still alive. Someone saved my life tonight...." Well, my EX-wife was a musician, sort of. She played guitar sometimes, and loves music and all that. But she really wasn't a performer, or anything in the way I am, so she really didn't understand. And she ALWAYS took it personally when my muse came calling. Note to non-musicians who are mated to a musician: NEVER make them choose between you and music, or you will lose as surely as Elton John's first fiancee (see above lyric). It's not fair, first of all, and secondly, music will always win. You want to make them resentful and miserable? Then make sure you always give them grief for all the nights spent practicing and gigging. Because, after all, they're choosing music over you, right? And ignore the fact that they were a musician before you ever met (and the fact that it was probably a part of their appeal). After all, you can probably change that character flaw, and help them outgrow their childish obsession, and turn them into all those other people who "used to play before I got married and 'settled down.'" I think a lot of spouses look at their mate's playing music as being the same difference as a softball league or weekly poker game. Not even fucking close.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rod S Posted May 6, 2001 Share Posted May 6, 2001 We had a (somewhat) similar thread in dB's forum. check it out. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/Forum18/HTML/000013.html I was married once to a non-musician. To make matters worse, we disagreed on a lot of music tastes. I think I had enough when she complained that the hammering at the keyboards was too loud (I was playing with headphones, so all she could her was the clank clank clank). And we had a big enough house that I had my gear in a separate room.. not even in the bedroom or living room....sheesh.. And I echo steve's comment... she complained about how much i spent on my 'craft' . The big problem was her not understanding how much I like it, and needing find a hobby of her own. I'll think I'll be wiser next time. (to make things clear.. this wasn't the reason we got divorced). Everytime someone comes to my apt they look at the bedroom... 'what's all this shit?' LOL I think the most important thing (as I mentioned above) is to have someone that understands that it is important to you and they should respect that. Maybe Lee is right... musicians should stick with musicians. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif Korg Kronos X73 / ARP Odyssey / Motif ES Rack / Roland D-05 / JP-08 / SE-05 / Jupiter Xm / Novation Mininova / NL2X / Waldorf Pulse II MBP-LOGIC American Deluxe P-Bass, Yamaha RBX760 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S_Gould Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Boy does this topic hit home! It's the reason I'm still single. The last woman I lived with met me at a gig, persued me from gig to gig, standing gazing adoringly from the front of the stage until I gave in to her charms. Once the relationship had progressed to where we were living together in a house I payed all the bills for (with money earned gigging & recording) I started getting: "I don't like you hanging out with musicians & playing in bars. When are you going to quit this music shit & get a REAL job?" I packed up my stuff while she was at her mother's & lived in my car - leaving her enough to cover the bills for a couple of months. (She was working at the time, just not contributing to expenses.) This was merely the last of several similar situations. Musician (engineer/producer/songwriter) is not my job description; it's what I AM. If I ever meet a woman who really understands this, I might reconsider bachelorhood, 'til then color me unattached. Scott Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 BOY, I've been through this shit with my wife. I'm not so sure that marrying a musician would be the answer, as I'd hate to have a spouse in a band. I've known of several situations where this hasn't worked. But, I think you DO need to be mated to someone who is equally passionate about something as you are about music. Could be extensive outdoor activities...other arts...something where they complement each other rather than cause friction. "She loves hearing me play guitar, I love her gourmet cuisine" or ..."I buy Taylors, she buys canoes, we go out into the woods and I take a guitar"... And Lee...we'll see you git yerself hitched yet. When you do, luv, can we all be invited to your wedding? For your reception, just put a bunch of instruments up there, and we'll all just jam until our fingers fall off. "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricknbokker Posted May 7, 2001 Author Share Posted May 7, 2001 Thanx Mucho!!! I've always felt alone in this...Thank you all so much for your replies. My wife knows I am completely dedicated to her and our marriage. She would be the first to tell you this. And things used to be worse. She has a new hobbie/talent that occupies her during some of her off time. Although a little more accepting to my 'muse', as it were. she seems to recognize it more as a diversion for my psyche rather than the life affirming force that it is. She is not above critiqueing my work and asking, "Why do you play that same song all the time?", or "please turn that off, it's driving me insane!". The last time she complimented me on something I was working on, (I swear, I wasn't fishing for compliments!!)it was a cover of Goodtime Charlie's Got The Blues that I had recorded. Make no mistake- My wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. I tell her this all the time, and she knows this to be true. And I don't spend squat on equipment; after all, I am the 'King of Cheese' as far as equipment goes!! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Well... thanks for letting me vent... You should all feel better that I've decided NOT to kill her for the insurance money... What the hell am I gonna do with a bunch of studio-quality gear???!! Thanks again... Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Rickenbokker said: >>>You should all feel better that I've decided NOT to kill her for the insurance money... What the hell am I gonna do with a bunch of studio-quality gear???!! Especially since I don't think they'd allow you to have that stuff in a maximum security prison... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif BTW, I like "Goodtime Charlie" as well, great song. Used to do a medley of it and Charlie Rich's "Rollin' With the Flow" in an old band...I'll admit it, I like both tunes. "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GZsound Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 I have had the same experience as a lot of you. The ex-spouse that I met while on the road decided after we settled down that adults don't do music and get real jobs. I stopped playing for a bit and got the real job..and still lost the wife. Now I'm in a three year long relationship with another musician. Classical training, sight reads a piano like the best and she plays upright bass in a Bluegrass band. I'm a sax and keyboard player in a rock and roll band and there are times when our two worlds have crunched into each other, but the two of us just laugh it off. It's kind of neat for me to be the band "wife" every now and then when she plays. Carry the gear, be supportive, tell her how good she was, stand off to one side like a lump on a log while every guy in the place has to come give her a hug and tell her how cute she is...and then she comes to my gigs and the roles are reversed. The combined musical joy in the house and the eclectic CD collection is great fun...and last night I spent four hours with her in the studio trying to teach her how to sing the blues...every relationship has it's challenges. This could take years.. ------------------ Mark G. Mark G. "A man may fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame others" -- John Burroughs "I consider ethics, as well as religion, as supplements to law in the government of man." -- Thomas Jefferson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Flier Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Ted, I agree with you that even if it's not music, if your spouse has something else they are just as passionate about as you are about music, that can still work out great. Because then at least the spouse understands the concept of being totally consumed by something and also has something to do with their time while you're playing. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Sorry to hear all the "musicians are supposed to grow up and get a real job" stories. I hear those all too often. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/frown.gif --Lee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Worthington Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Originally posted by Lee Flier: By the way, I'm a single female musician and engineer. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Yeah, but you like all that weird analog stuff http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif jw Affiliations: Jambé Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Gauss Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 don't marry a musician! if ya do, who's gonna pay the bills? i say you should marry a hooker or a porn star. that way if they say you spend too much time on your music, tell 'em THEY spend too much time screwing around! -d. gauss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curve Dominant Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 >>"musicians are supposed to grow up and get a real job"<< PEOPLE WITH SQUARE JOBS SHOULD QUIT THE MUTHAF*CKIN' RAT RACE AND FIND SOME SPIRITUALITY IN THEIR EMPTY, MISERABLE LIVES!!! OK, I feel better now. Sorry, folks. The Curve gets a little fired up sometimes. Yeah, but does that fancy corporate title make your d*ck bigger... curvedominant Eric Vincent (ASCAP) www.curvedominant.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Master Zap Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Once, about a year ago, I for fun gave the microphone to my wife and said "sing something". Before this time, I had to say "pleaaasseee" darling to get to buy some new equipment. Now, she is the Goddess of Dance on the net, and when I asked to buy a Nord Modular she asked why not take two. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif But maybe thats because she has made more money on mp3.com than I have. Touch aint it? http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif /Z Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricknbokker Posted May 7, 2001 Author Share Posted May 7, 2001 I'm so jealous now, GZ... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anderton Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 >>Ted, I agree with you that even if it's not music, if your spouse has something else they are just as passionate about as you are about music, that can still work out great. << Agreed. Marrying a musician is not the answer, although it can be...marrying someone who is passionate about whatever makes all the difference in the world. It also helps if someone really loves you. My wife knows how much I enjoy playing music, which keeps me happy, which makes me a better partner in life, which makes her happy. Craig Anderton Educational site: http://www.craiganderton.org Music: http://www.youtube.com/thecraiganderton Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/craig_anderton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 My worst relationship ever was with a female musician/singer. She was extremely jealous professionally, and expected me to expend large amounts of my musical/sound production energy on her career. Just playing her a tape of some current stuff I was working on could put her in a rage! I have since been very happily married for 12 years to a non-musician (but a listener with similar tastes) who actually is quite supportive in my endeavors. I can generally buy the gear I want (she knows I won't act irresponsibly), but that may also be a function of my doing music/sound production for a living. She doesn't generally go over my business expenditures. My experiences suggest avoiding other musicians like the plague in love relationships! John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lee Flier Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Well now John, I wouldn't go THAT far! http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif Everyone I've ever been in a long term relationship with, has been a musician, and in some cases we've worked together, and it's been fine. I guess maturity and willingness to work stuff out really is the key to everything. If someone is possessive and demands all your time and attention and feels you should be their top priority every minute of the day, it makes no difference whether the person is a musician or not, it's going to cause a problem! Likewise if you really don't put time and effort into your mate and make him/her a priority often enough, that is going to cause a problem too! --Lee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Well, now I know I'm not alone. Being married to a non-musician is hard. Just NEVER say anything like this: "Really, I love you. Even more than to my thousands of pretty, sexy and younger than you fans around the globe..." My wife has always let me know she's not interested in my music world. It is very hard to handle... However, last weekend we were watching TV... an electro pop band was playing and suddenly she said: "Those ARE NOT analog synths, right? Yamaha hasn't made any real analog lately..." ... I was like http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/eek.gif !!!!! Then I realized where all those lost issues of Keyboard Mag of mine I haven't seen for a while could be at... life has little nice surprises yet, after all... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/cool.gif GusTraX@yahoo.com Músico, Productor, Ingeniero, Tecnólogo Senior Product Manager, América Latina y Caribe - PreSonus at Fender Musical Instruments Company Instagram: guslozada Facebook: Lozada - Música y Tecnología www.guslozada.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 Of course, you're right Lee. I was over-exaggerating to express what a tough relationship it was. Ultimately, it all boils down to individual personalities, and the way they interact. I do think it takes a special person to be with anyone involved in the arts, becuase so many of us are emotional, perfectionistic, and eccentric, not to mention self-centered, self-glorifying, etc. . . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
D. Gauss Posted May 7, 2001 Share Posted May 7, 2001 just make sure you marry the right musician... i.e. madonna, david bowie, etc. i don't think they'd mind if you spent an extra few dollars on some gear, or if you didn't have a regular job.... -d. gauss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve LeBlanc Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 She is not above critiqueing my work and asking, "Why do you play that same song all the time?", or "please turn that off, it's driving me insane!". You don't have a private listening area yet http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif. My wife has always been very supportive but I had to set up a room (actually it's my garage) that I could lock myself in. I disappear for a few hours, she doesn't always like this but I listen to or make music as loud and repetively as I want. If I wasn't allowed to do this from the beginning of our marriage we wouldn't have lasted long. Oh and I get to watch the NBA playoffs without interruption too http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif. http://www.youtube.com/notesleb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stephen Fortner Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 Boy does this hit home. Unfortunately, my own experience confirms the generalizations that non-musicians tend to compete with your music, whereas musicians tend to compete with you. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/mad.gif The exception is someone who is not in your exact line of work, but whose calling has enough elements in common (e.g. a need for flexibility about last-minute schedule changes, project-based vs shift-based workstyle, the need to be "always on" and "work the room" in hopes of creating opportunity, etc) that they can relate. It also helps if they're happy and somewhat successful in their own job. In my experience, someone like this is more likely to grok that circumstances in YOUR life need not be taken as statements of your emotions about THEM. I've wasted countless hours trying to explain this basic truth to the wrong sorts of people. When I've been lucky enough to meet the right sort, the time we spend actually enjoying each other's company is far greater. Jeez, sorry. Ramble mode off. Gotta say, though, that if there are any halfway decent looking, single female drummers out there, who can play IN time and make the gig ON time, I could be persuaded to buy you a nice big rock instead of the CraneSong Spider I really want. http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif Stephen Fortner Principal, Fortner Media Former Editor in Chief, Keyboard Magazine Digital Piano Consultant, Piano Buyer Magazine Industry affiliations: Antares, Arturia, Giles Communications, MS Media, Polyverse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ricknbokker Posted May 8, 2001 Author Share Posted May 8, 2001 Yo Steve, When she complains about hearing the same song over and over, that means she's heard it more than once in a three month period! Hell, she hasn't taken that damn Bowie tape out of her boombox for 2 months! I don't know WHAT that's about. One time, she told me all these three songs I had recorded (one was a cover) all sounded alike, real nasty like. She now does flower arrangements for fun and sometimes a little cash on the side. (her new hobby) They always come out beautifully. I'm always impressed with her work when she's done, and make sure to tell her so. Well, she finished one a few months ago, and asked for my opinion. Of course, I told her "Gee, it looks just like the last three you did!" Well, her jaw about hit the floor. I asked her, "How did that feel? Do you understand now how I feel?" This were better for some time after that, but now the worm has turned again. What the hell... I don't necessarily wish she were a musician. I just wish that if she didn't have anything nice to say, she wouldn't say anything at all. Too much, perhaps. Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve LeBlanc Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 Awwlll, you guys are just having fun, time to pick up the pillows. "PILLOW FIGHT!" Just smack her once for everytime she's been insensitive to you and encourage her to do the same...if you're both honest you'll probably get to do a helluva lot more smackin http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/smile.gif. MOST women will never understand what music means to a musician. I think you'll just have to get over that. (don't get all huffy LEE, I said most, certainly not all) http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/biggrin.gif This message has been edited by Steve LeBlanc on 05-07-2001 at 07:58 PM http://www.youtube.com/notesleb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Klopmeyer Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 My wife is very cool. Perhaps she's the needle in the proverbial haystack, but she never, ever once in 12 years of our relationship, did anything to stop me from doing my music. I can only think of a few times that I was recording or mixing into the wee hours of the night that she'd call and ask if I was ever coming home. But that's about it. - she never complained about my buying a piece of gear, and has often said that I should get more if it makes me happy... - she always enjoyed seeing me play live when I did that more often than I do now... - she enjoys my own compositions, or at least appreciates the work that goes into them... And in return, I've tried to involve her as much as she wants in my music as well. For example, if she wants me to track a cover tune so she can sing along karaoke-style, I'll do it for her (although I've been forced under those circumstances to do songs by Celine Dion and the like...shudder). I also pull out the guitar and sing kids' songs with her and my son. It's actually very fun for a family-like guy like me. And in the heyday of my musical career, I took her to practices and sessions despite the objections of my bandmates ("Dude, can't you leave Yoko at home?"). So I'm a lucky guy, I guess. Oh, and I buy her nice jewelry and clothes from time to time. This seems to help. - Jeff Marketing Communications for MI/Pro Audio My solo music and stuff They Stole My Crayon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rader Ranch Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 the discussion shouldn't be limited to 'musicians' for spouses. i married an artist (painter, animator, dollmaker, sculpture) and nothing could be better. imho if you don't marry someone with whom you have a shitload in common on the most basic levels, then you made a big mistake... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted May 8, 2001 Share Posted May 8, 2001 Thinking more about this, I really think that the answer for musicians ( male and female) is the same as for "normal" people: a. MOST IMPORTANTLY, you have to find someone who is happy and complete BEFORE she/he meets you. This may mean they have a serious interest of their own, but not necessarily. If your partner is depending on YOU to fulfill themselves, there'll be rough road ahead, musician or not. Needy people will go crazy with a musician spending time exclusively on him/herself! b. You have to be able to barter, compromise, and give in order to get. In my marriage, time became a bigger issue after we had a child. I realized it would be unfair for me to spend huge blocks of time on myself while my wife was a virtual single parent. The answer for us was to block out equal amounts of free time for each of us. This worked out really well. We both got to spend free time to devote to our individual interests (sometimes as simple as sitting with a book), my working wife was not unfairly saddled with all the child care, and I got to spend much more time with my infant daughter than many fathers. It was win-win all the way around. This is what worked for me, although I woundn't assume it would for everyone. John Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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