KHAN Posted March 10, 2001 Share Posted March 10, 2001 Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill. With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter. http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/net8/crash.gif .......................................... http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/big/bigsmirk4.gif ..................................... So Many Drummers. So Little Time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KHAN Posted March 10, 2001 Share Posted March 10, 2001 http://www.twistedhumor.com/pi/2001/feb/01.php So Many Drummers. So Little Time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valkyrie Sound Posted March 11, 2001 Share Posted March 11, 2001 Some "Musical Haiku" for ya.... Valky Money's everything Playing any gig that comes Whores, we are all whores Squeaking and squawking All eyes roll to the heavens The harmonica speaks One beat to change from Harmony to cup to bucket Hey, who wrote this shit? Here comes the high note The trumpeter puckers Clam, clam, Fuck!, clam, Shit! The jam session starts Somebody calls "Giant Steps" Cold fear grips my brain (I have to change my reed) Here's the girl singer Stepping to the microphone Pitch, Time, All gone now Gig is going well Asshole requests "Mustang Sally" I look at my watch I once had a dream Big house, new car, big money Now I play the bass Gorgeous chick tells me "You sound just like Kenny G" My ego shatters (Hope no one heard her) (Quitting music now) Three-eight, eleven-eight Fuck you Andrew Lloyd Webber Five-eight, seven-eight The woodwind doubler Practicing the piccolo Frustration defined (Neighbor calls the cops) Trane, Prez, Bird, Brecker Giants of the saxophone Eat shit Kenny G Pit orchestra gig Days and nights become as one I have no damned life Bad intonation Strings are sharp and reeds are flat Brass too loud again Great changes, good groove A one-in-a-million gig No singer. Yippee! An oxymoron: "He played the accordion With delicacy" The accordion "Squeeze box," yes, but more often "The Stomach Steinway" Bassoons forever Try in vain not to sound like A farting bedpost The strings slowly tune When they're done the unisons Are anything but "I can't find my note" Bemoans the confused singer "Quit now," we all pray The contractor calls Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber "Bird Lives" no longer Kid joins the jam night playing "Stairway to Heaven" I pray for a gun Drummer keeps the beat Bass player keeps another Please, guys, flip a coin Valkyrie Sound: http://www.vsoundinc.com Now at TSUTAYA USA: http://www.tsutayausa.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KHAN Posted March 11, 2001 Share Posted March 11, 2001 A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35" was the reply. "I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good. Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers. Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop" http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/cwm/uhoh.gifhttp://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/cwm/uhoh.gif *********************************************************************** *********************************************************************** Past jokes of the day July 1, 1999 Learning Adult Words The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/net7/beerchug.gif So Many Drummers. So Little Time... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted March 11, 2001 Share Posted March 11, 2001 Boy, this has turned into a fun thread! Who says we have to stay on topic all the time. Loved the haiku, Val, and the warped humor, Khan! "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robotobonhome.com Posted March 11, 2001 Share Posted March 11, 2001 Originally posted by valkyriesound: You're the man of my dreams...... http://www.musicplayer.com/ubb/wink.gif DB25 to XLR break-out cables work nice too..... Don't dream of me too often, all the other girls will get jealous. kiss kiss -rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
not Cereal Posted March 11, 2001 Share Posted March 11, 2001 i dressed up today. flour power is cool. makes it easy to find a wet spot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
soapbox Posted March 12, 2001 Share Posted March 12, 2001 Dorothy, I dont think were in Kansas anymore... Enthusiasm powers the world. Craig Anderton's Archiving Article Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tedster Posted March 12, 2001 Share Posted March 12, 2001 Actually, I stepped across the state line into Misery...er, Missouri... "Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curve Dominant Posted March 12, 2001 Share Posted March 12, 2001 Groucho: "Whatya call a sound engineer with half-a brain?" Zeppo: "Genius!" Groucho: "Thank you!" Eric Vincent (ASCAP) www.curvedominant.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnectingDots Posted March 12, 2001 Author Share Posted March 12, 2001 One Time I Fell... ------------------ ConnectingDots, La la La la, ConnectingDots, La la La la, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
robotobonhome.com Posted March 12, 2001 Share Posted March 12, 2001 Often, my middle finger pops out of joint. -rob Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Vader Posted March 12, 2001 Share Posted March 12, 2001 Duuude, often the joint pops out of my middle fingers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConnectingDots Posted March 15, 2001 Author Share Posted March 15, 2001 Often I use my middle finger when rolling a joint. ------------------ ConnectingDots, La la La la, ConnectingDots, La la La la, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David R. Posted March 15, 2001 Share Posted March 15, 2001 Dope - you are what you smoke. "I've lost my equlibrium, my car keys, and my pride..." - Tom Waits -David R. -David R. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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