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The use of meat, as garments...

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Bill Gates died and found himself in purgatory being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case: I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."


Bill replied, "What's the difference between the two?"


St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."


"Fine, but where should I go first?"


"I'll leave that up to you."


"Okay then," said Bill. "Let's try Hell first."


So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful and clean. Bill saw a sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.


"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"


"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.


Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was very nice, but not as enticing as Hell.


Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.


"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.


Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill shackled to a wall in a dark cave, screaming amongst hot flames, being burned and tortured by demons.


"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.


With his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches and the scantily clad women playing in the water?"


"That was a demo," replied St. Peter. http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/net8/crash.gif


.......................................... http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/big/bigsmirk4.gif .....................................

So Many Drummers. So Little Time...
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Some "Musical Haiku" for ya.... Valky



Money's everything


Playing any gig that comes


Whores, we are all whores




Squeaking and squawking


All eyes roll to the heavens


The harmonica speaks




One beat to change from


Harmony to cup to bucket


Hey, who wrote this shit?




Here comes the high note


The trumpeter puckers


Clam, clam, Fuck!, clam, Shit!




The jam session starts


Somebody calls "Giant Steps"


Cold fear grips my brain


(I have to change my reed)




Here's the girl singer


Stepping to the microphone


Pitch, Time, All gone now




Gig is going well


Asshole requests "Mustang Sally"


I look at my watch




I once had a dream


Big house, new car, big money


Now I play the bass




Gorgeous chick tells me


"You sound just like Kenny G"


My ego shatters


(Hope no one heard her)


(Quitting music now)




Three-eight, eleven-eight


Fuck you Andrew Lloyd Webber


Five-eight, seven-eight




The woodwind doubler


Practicing the piccolo


Frustration defined


(Neighbor calls the cops)




Trane, Prez, Bird, Brecker


Giants of the saxophone


Eat shit Kenny G




Pit orchestra gig


Days and nights become as one


I have no damned life




Bad intonation


Strings are sharp and reeds are flat


Brass too loud again




Great changes, good groove


A one-in-a-million gig


No singer. Yippee!




An oxymoron:


"He played the accordion


With delicacy"




The accordion


"Squeeze box," yes, but more often


"The Stomach Steinway"




Bassoons forever


Try in vain not to sound like


A farting bedpost




The strings slowly tune


When they're done the unisons


Are anything but




"I can't find my note"


Bemoans the confused singer


"Quit now," we all pray




The contractor calls


Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber


"Bird Lives" no longer




Kid joins the jam night


playing "Stairway to Heaven"


I pray for a gun




Drummer keeps the beat


Bass player keeps another


Please, guys, flip a coin

Valkyrie Sound:




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A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result.


On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"


"About 35" was the reply.


"I'm actually 47 years old" the man says, feeling really happy.



After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is "Oh, you look about 29" This makes him feel really good.


Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.



She replies "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."



Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.



Ten minutes later the old lady says "You are 47 years old."


Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"


The old lady replies, "I was behind you in the Chip shop" http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/cwm/uhoh.gifhttp://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/cwm/uhoh.gif





Past jokes of the day


July 1, 1999



Learning Adult Words


The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.



The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."


The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word."


Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit." http://cwm.ragesofsanity.com/s/net7/beerchug.gif

So Many Drummers. So Little Time...
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