jnorman Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 a group of blondes come into a bar, and the head blonde calls to the bartender to set up a round for her and her friends. they all raise their glasses and have a rousing toast to "51 days!!" the head blonde tells the barkeep to set 'em up again, and again they toast to "51 days!!" with great cheering and backslapping amongst themselves. again the head blonde orders another round for the girls, and this time, the bartender responds, "okay, but i have to ask - what is the toast to 51 days all about?" the blonde responds, "we just completed a jigsaw puzzle. the box said two to four years, and we did it in just 51 days!" jnorman sunridge studios salem, oregon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ultravibe Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 A blonde, a brunette and a redhead enter a swimming competition. All are pretty evenly matched through freestyle, backstroke and butterfly. The breaststroke competition begins and all three dive in at exactly the same time. 3 minutes later the brunette pushes herself out of the pool, winning the race. A minute behind her, the redhead finishes. A full hour goes by before the blonde finally emerges from the pool. She immediately goes over to the judges and says, "I don't want to seem like I'm ratting anyone out, but those other two girls were using their hands!" Bah-doom ching Andrew Mazzocchi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BP3 Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods." I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strat0124 Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 I don't get it! :) :) Down like a dollar comin up against a yen, doin pretty good for the shape I'm in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dogfur Posted June 7, 2002 Share Posted June 7, 2002 2 blonde gals walking across an open field come upon some tracks on the ground - "Those are obviously moose tracks" proclaims gal #1! " I beg to differ, those are bear tracks, I am sure of it!" says # 2. They both were struck by the oncoming train... :p :p :p Woof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom Capasso Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 A guy walks into a bar and after getting his drink, asks the (female blonde) bartender if she wants to hear a "blonde" joke. The woman looks at him with contempt and says "The woman next to you is a blonde wrestler, next to her is a blonde cop. On your other side is a blonde construction worker and a blonde firefighter. Are you sure you want to tell a blonde joke here?". "Never mind" the guy says. "I don't want to have to explain it five times.". Tom www.stoneflyrocks.com Acoustic Color Be practical as well as generous in your ideals. Keep your eyes on the stars and keep your feet on the ground. - Theodore Roosevelt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BP3 Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 [quote]Originally posted by Geenard Skeenard: [b]I don't get it! :) :) [/b][/quote]Must be a blonde. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mark V Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 Good stuff,more please! I once had a quasi-religious experience..then I realised I'd turned up the volume. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dak Lander Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." This next one's not a blonde joke but I'll throw it in anyway. A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well, how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex." "What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'" Our Joint "When you come slam bang up against trouble, it never looks half as bad if you face up to it." The Duke... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pro Jules Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 Non Blond but funny joke A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island and arrange to come back and pick them up in a year's time and see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. "I'm an engineer" says the Englishman, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the Englishman turns to the Japanese "That leaves you to organise the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks. A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have coped. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The Englishman comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up." The team are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs. "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants." The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the Englishman, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since". They all agree that they should try to find the man, and a search party is organised. They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with half a coconut on his head, and peacock feathers sticking out of his bum, and shouts ..... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! :wave: :wave: :wave: Jules Producer Julian Standen London, UK, Come hang here! http://www.gearslutz.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gus Lozada Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 :D AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !!!! :D :D :thu: !!!!!!!!!!! Great one, Jules !!!!!!! Músico, Productor, Ingeniero, Tecnólogo Senior Product Manager, América Latina y Caribe - PreSonus at Fender Musical Instruments Company Instagram: guslozada Facebook: Lozada - Música y Tecnología www.guslozada.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franknputer Posted June 8, 2002 Share Posted June 8, 2002 :D You funny man! I raff my ass off! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offramp Posted June 9, 2002 Share Posted June 9, 2002 L.A. motorcyle cop pulls over a Ferrari for speeding. He approaches the driver, a blonde woman, asks her the usual round of questions, gets her paperwork and goes back to the bike to call in the info. Dispatch asks for the information again, sounding a little unsure; officer asks 'Is there something I should be concerned about?'. His supervisor gets on the radio, signals for a private channel, and asks 'Is this a yellow Ferrari?' cop: 'Yes...' spr: ' Blonde woman driving?' cop: 'Yes..' spr: 'Great legs, nice stack, Ray Bans?' cop: 'Yes, yes yes...' spr: 'Okay, patrolman...return to the vehicle and drop your pants.' cop: 'Sir?' spr: 'Return to the vehicle and drop your pants!' cop: 'uhhh..Sir?!?' spr: 'Just do it, Patrolman. Out' So, the cop does as he's instructed; hands the driver back her license and registraion, and unbuckles his trousers, and as they drop to the ground the blonde whines "Nooooo! aNOTHER breathalizer test?" I've upped my standards; now, up yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Franknputer Posted June 9, 2002 Share Posted June 9, 2002 A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, 'I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, arse hole. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but also women in general, all in the name of humor' Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, 'You stay out of this mister. I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offramp Posted June 9, 2002 Share Posted June 9, 2002 damn, forgot about that one, Frank...that's one of my favorites... I've upped my standards; now, up yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miroslav Posted June 10, 2002 Share Posted June 10, 2002 How does a blond turn on the lights after sex? She opens the car door. miroslav - miroslavmusic.com "Just because it happened to you, it doesn't mean it's important." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strat0124 Posted June 10, 2002 Share Posted June 10, 2002 [quote]Originally posted by TinderArts: [b] [quote]Originally posted by Geenard Skeenard: [b]I don't get it! :) :) [/b][/quote]Must be a blonde. ;) [/b][/quote]Naturally highlighted (grey) blondie here!!!!! :) Down like a dollar comin up against a yen, doin pretty good for the shape I'm in Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soundscape Studios. Posted June 10, 2002 Share Posted June 10, 2002 A blonde remarks to her co-worker how it's time to sell the car which has 250,000 miles on it, but can't find any buyers for it because of the excessive mileage. Her friend says, oh just take it to Mike at the auto body shop, he'll do a job on the odometer for you. Next day she says to her friend, well thanks - Mike did a great job, now it says 50,000. So the friend says back, did you get any buyers? To which the blonde answers, What?? sell my car with only 50,000 miles on it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Botch. Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 [b]Q:[/b] How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? [b]A:[/b] Blondes don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hottubs. Botch "Eccentric language often is symptomatic of peculiar thinking" - George Will www.puddlestone.net Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John Sayers Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 A young blonde who's sick of the blond jokes decides to get away from it all so she dyes her hair brown and goes and studies Mathmatics at the Uni. She then decides to leave town and create a new life. Whilst driving down the road she comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. As she pulls up she says to the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep you have can I have one??" sure he says. 385 she says - correct he says, take a sheep!! He then looks at her and asks to play a similar game. "If I can guess what colour you hair was before you dyed it can I have my dog back??" cheers john Studio Design Forum Studios Under Construction Home Page Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robert Smedberg Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 [b]Q:[/b] Why can't blondes go waterskiing? [b]A:[/b] When they get wet they lie down. ******************************************** [b]Q:[/b] Why are blondes burried in triangular coffins. [b]A:[/b] When they lie on their backs they automatically spread their legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
XNU8D Posted June 11, 2002 Share Posted June 11, 2002 Q. Why did the blond go to church? A. She heard there was a guy there hung like this! (arms spread to sides) Who keeps moving my chair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eh steve Posted June 13, 2002 Share Posted June 13, 2002 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?" "No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke e-mails we've been receiving." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus." http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail36.html Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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