VENUS VS MARS

[57pbass]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

 

 

1. Yes = No

 

2. No = Yes

 

3. Maybe = No

 

4. We need... = I want.

 

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

 

6. We need to talk = I need to complain

 

7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to

 

8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

 

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

 

10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead

 

11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

 

12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

 

13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

 

14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive

 

15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

 

16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

 

17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

 

18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like

 

 

MEN'S ENGLISH

 

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

 

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

 

3. I am tired = I am tired

 

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

 

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

 

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

 

7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question

 

8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

 

9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

 

10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

 

11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

 

12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you

 

13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins

 

14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

 

15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

 

[Tom Capasso]

Originally posted by 57pbass:

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

4. We need... = I want.

Hey 57pbass, I feel like I use this every time I explain to my wife what that MusicLand/GuitarCenter item is on the charge.....

 

I'm guessing that when it comes to equipment, many of us (like me) have trouble discerning need and want.

 

Thanks for the laugh. When I was away with my wife a few weeks back, she told me that her boss had read an article saying that men think about sex every 7 seconds and asked me if it was true. I said that for me it wasn't quite that often (notice the imprecise answer). The rest of the time we were away I wanted to keep saying "oops" every time I thought about it, but knew she'd quickly find that obnoxious. Such a limited sense of humor. The equally thing would be to chronicle how much time I spend thinking about bass playing and equipment

 

Tom

[ikestr]

57, right on!

 

Heres some more:

 

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

19. We should = You should

20. Nothing = Something

21. Hmmmmmm = Ive already made up my mind but I'm going to make you wait and sweat it

22. Honey = Will you take me to dinner tonight

23. Lets go to a movie = You spend too much time at home

24. I want to check my email = I dont want to have sex with you

 

MAN'S ENGLISH

16. Lets go on vacation = I want to have sex with you somewhere else

17. Lets go bike riding = I want to get you tired so you wont say no to sex

18. Lets eat = I want you to have some energy to go bike riding

 

ikestr (still new and improved)

[ikestr]

WOMEN'S ENGLIGH

25. Im going out with the girls = The girls and I are going to talk about our relationship.

[tnb]

Originally posted by 57pbass:

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

 

1. Yes = No

 

2. No = Yes

 

3. Maybe = No

 

Hey man, let me keep you out of jail.

 

1. Yes = Maybe, as long as we play by my rules.

 

2. No = No

 

3. Maybe = More than likely n... let me think about it. OK, I thought about it, NO.

[FunkALunk Kitty]

Originally posted by ikestr:

WOMEN'S ENGLIGH

25. Im going out with the girls = The girls and I are going to talk about our relationship.

I'm going out with the girls= I want to act single for the night and the LAST thing I will be talking about is you or our relationship!

 

Sorry guys but contrary to popular belief our lives do not revolve around you and our relationship with you and believe me we probably think about sex more often than you.

 

And by the way there was a show on television about myths and one of the ones they talked about was how often men think about sex. If they thought about sex every couple of seconds they would never get anything accomplished, and although I am sure many of you will want to say that you think about it all the time because that makes you more masculine, it was proven to be very untrue. The average man thinks about sex maybe once an hour. According to the scientists anyways.

 

Kitty

[...]

Originally posted by FunkALunk Kitty:

...and believe me we probably think about sex more often than you.

Unlikely.

 

Originally posted by FunkALunk Kitty:

And by the way there was a show on television about myths and one of the ones they talked about was how often men think about sex. If they thought about sex every couple of seconds they would never get anything accomplished, and although I am sure many of you will want to say that you think about it all the time because that makes you more masculine, it was proven to be very untrue. The average man thinks about sex maybe once an hour. According to the scientists anyways.

Scientists. What do they know?

 

I can accomplish plenty when I'm thinking abo..

[JBFLA]

Originally posted by Tom Capasso:

When I was away with my wife a few weeks back, she told me that her boss had read an article saying that men think about sex every 7 seconds and asked me if it was true. Tom

Every 7 seconds?! That's hard to believe! (...ooohh, the Co-ed downstairs is washing her car!...), Maybe it's an age/maturity thing, but (...Thank goodness for S.FLA weather, Bikini tops and short shorts!...) I don't think it's true (...Oh, yeah!!; Here comes her roommate!!...).

 

This post must have taken me at least 10 minutes, and not a single (...hmmm, more bubbles!...) thought of sex!!

 

Polls are what you make 'em!!

[FunkALunk Kitty]

Originally posted by JBFLA:

Originally posted by Tom Capasso:

When I was away with my wife a few weeks back, she told me that her boss had read an article saying that men think about sex every 7 seconds and asked me if it was true. Tom

Every 7 seconds?! That's hard to believe! (...ooohh, the Co-ed downstairs is washing her car!...), Maybe it's an age/maturity thing, but (...Thank goodness for S.FLA weather, Bikini tops and short shorts!...) I don't think it's true (...Oh, yeah!!; Here comes her roommate!!...).

 

This post must have taken me at least 10 minutes, and not a single (...hmmm, more bubbles!...) thought of sex!!

 

Polls are what you make 'em!!

You guys are too much! A girl can't win (unless she ties you up and gags you)!!

[Adamixoye]

As a rule of thumb, guys are stupid, but girls are irrational. I think that sums it up pretty well. That's been my experience, anyway...

[StoneKnife]

No wonder I can't get anything done around here.

[JDL]

Guys=Clueless

 

Girls=Too many clues

[hags2k]

Originally posted by FunkALunk Kitty:

You guys are too much! A girl can't win (unless she ties you up and gags you)!! [/QB]

I'm pretty sure that in that situation the guy is still winning.

[Bartolini]

Sorry, but this post is not totally irrelevant to the thread. ....may be irrelevant.

 

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "f***". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.

 

In language, "f***" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John f***ed Mary) and intransitive (Mary was f***ed by John).

 

It can be an action verb (John really gives a f***), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a f***), an adverb(Mary is f***ing interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific f***). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is f***ing beautiful) or an interjection (F***! I'm

late for my date with Mary).

 

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, f... she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "f***."

 

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

 

1. Greetings "How the f*** are ya?"

2. Fraud "I got f***ed by the car dealer."

3. Resignation "Oh, f*** it!"

4. Trouble "I guess I'm f***ed now."

5. Aggression "F*** YOU!"

6. Disgust "F*** me."

7. Confusion "What the f***?"

8. Difficulty "I don't understand this

f***ing business!"

9. Despair "F***ed again..."

10. Pleasure "I f***ing couldn't be happier."

11. Displeasure "What the f*** is going on here?"

12. Lost "Where the f*** are we?"

13. Disbelief "UNF***INGBELIEVABLE!"

14. Retaliation "Up your f***ing ass!"

15. Denial "I didn't f***ing do it."

16. Perplexity "I know f*** all about it."

17. Apathy "Who really gives a f***, anyhow?"

18. Greetings "How the f*** are ya?"

19. Suspicion "Who the f*** are you?"

20. Panic "Let's get the f*** out of here."

21. Directions "F*** off."

22. Disbelief "How the f*** did you do that?"

 

 

It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a

f***ing asshole."

 

It can be used to tell time- "It's five f***ing thirty."

 

It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this

f***ing job?"

 

It can be maternal- "Motherf***er."

 

It can be political- "F*** Dan Quayle!"

 

It has also been used by many notable people throughout

history:

 

"What the f*** was that?"

Mayor of Hiroshima

 

"Where did all these f***ing Indians come from?"

General Custer

 

"Where the f*** is all this water coming from?"

Captain of the Titanic

 

"That's not a real f***ing gun."

John Lennon

 

"Who's gonna f***ing find out?"

Richard Nixon

 

"Heads are going to f***ing roll."

Anne Boleyn

 

"It's someone's 100th f***ing birthday today!"

Willard Scott

 

"Any f***ing idiot could understand that."

Albert Einstein

 

"It does so f***ing look like her!"

Picasso

 

"How the f*** did you work that out?"

Pythagoras

 

"You want what on the f***ing ceiling?"

Michelangelo

 

"F*** a duck."

Walt Disney

 

"Why? Because its f***ing there!"

Edmund Hilary

 

"I don't suppose its gonna f***ing rain?"

Joan of Arc

 

"She wants how much f***ing money?!?!?"

Donald Trump

 

"Look! Almost every f***ing kernel popped!"

Orville Reddenbacher

 

"We're f***ing flying!"

Orville & Wilbur Wright

 

"We're f***ing professionals!"

Mr. Pink in the "Reservoir Dogs"

[ibescotty]

George Carlin Rawks!!!!!

[Tom Capasso]

I agree with Kitty that when she said that women don't talk about us when they go out. At least that's the sense that I get from my wife.

 

As to thinking about sex more often than men, I doubt it (again based on my own one-woman experience).

 

Ikestr - it's been about a year right?

 

I left off the one bit that it took me 23 years (of a 25 year marriage) to learn.

 

When you get a chance, could you...? = Could you please do this now?

 

When I started doing it right away, things got smoother, and it prevented me from just forgetting something I fully intended to do. The funny thing is that every once in a while when I get up, she says "you don't have to do it now..". To which I reply "I'll do it now so I don't forget later". The smile is worth whatever the task is.

 

Tom

[reachjkh]

Originally posted by Bartolini:

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "f***". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate.

If you throw in the equally usable word "dude", the possibilities are endless.

[Brendan Orr]

Originally posted by Bartolini:

[QB]Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "f***". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love and hate. [QB]

yes George Carlin is pretty funny, I especially like how it has the background music and the narrorator's voice in the style of A&E's Biography

[FunkALunk Kitty]

Originally posted by Tom Capasso:

I agree with Kitty that when she said that women don't talk about us when they go out. At least that's the sense that I get from my wife.

 

As to thinking about sex more often than men, I doubt it (again based on my own one-woman experience).

 

Ikestr - it's been about a year right?

 

I left off the one bit that it took me 23 years (of a 25 year marriage) to learn.

 

When you get a chance, could you...? = Could you please do this now?

 

When I started doing it right away, things got smoother, and it prevented me from just forgetting something I fully intended to do. The funny thing is that every once in a while when I get up, she says "you don't have to do it now..". To which I reply "I'll do it now so I don't forget later". The smile is worth whatever the task is.

 

Tom

Tom that has to be one of the sweetest things I have ever heard. I hope your wife reads these posts so she realizes what a great man she has.

 

I will be the first to admit that women tend to take for granted the fact that they have a man to do things for them in the first place. So thank you guys for all the little things you do for us and then don't get the appreciation you deserve!

[Tom Capasso]

Originally posted by FunkALunk Kitty:

I hope your wife reads these posts so she realizes what a great man she has.

Thanks Kitty. She doesn't read these things. I think she knows what she's got. Just the same, she has to put up with a lot as well. Hopefully it works out about even between us.

 

Tom

[earljam]

don"t you agree? = you agree