9 rules for dating my daughter

[Dr Nursers]

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 

Rule Four:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

 

Rule Five:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 

Rule Six:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car or building a retaining wall?

 

Rule Seven:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 

Rule Eight:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house, and plan to use all three if provoked. Do not trifle with me.

 

Rule Nine:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

[Philip OKeefe]

I've read that before - it's a classic.

[Tedster]

You betcha.

 

Sigh...I have one of those critters you call a "teenage daughter". :sheepish smile:

[Philip OKeefe]

Originally posted by Tedster:

You betcha.

 

Sigh...I have one of those critters you call a "teenage daughter". :sheepish smile:

Then may I suggest one of these?

 

http://www.remington.com/images/firearms/870wing.jpg

 

Nothing says "I care" quite like the sound of a Remington 870 being racked does...

[Philip OKeefe]

BTW Tedster, there's an old saying that you might find interesting:

 

"Having daughters is God's revenge on you for being a man".

[Dr Nursers]

Sadly I think you may be right

[russrags]

Hey Nursers,

 

Isn't your daughter a little too young to be dating??? Although I'm not a parent, I can understand your concern ... especially you not wanting the boys to have a peek below her neck.

Isn't she still in diapers ??? That might be kind of embarrassing attire for a date. All-in-all ... pretty good advice.

 

Russ

http://home.bellsouth.net/p/PWP-russragsdale

[Bbach1]

Well I'm awfully damn protective of my daughter, but that post sounds like it's coming from a real asshole. There are far too many of those in this world. Frankly, I trust my daughter to make good choices, and love her enough to help her survive her bad ones.

The only thing I want my daughter's dates to know is that no means no. I certainly don't care how they look. I'm not the one dating him. I have my own perculiarities in that respect. I also bs with anyone, so if he wants to make small talk about football or whatever, that's fine with me. It's a good way to get to know the kid.

It will be my daughters responsibility to get home on time. She better be able to control her date or she will not be dating.

Frankly, with my daughter showing me the good sense she has shown so far in life, I don't fear the dating scene at all. What I hope is that she doesn't feel the need to experiment with as much alcohol and drugs and I did in high school. I wouldn't want her to go through that hell.

[MikeT156]

If you think those rules are bad, then never let your son date an Italian girl. We Italians add cement to that list, would never use our own backyard and shovel.....we take pride in never letting the body be found. Ever hear of Jimmy Hoffa? I bet you haven't seen him in 40 years.

 

Lighten up Robert.

 

Mike T.

[Blue Strat]

My favorite line:

 

I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house, and plan to use all three if provoked. Do not trifle with me.

 

[pipelineaudio]

"If you make her cry, I will make you cry."

 

heh

[Wewus432]

If you don't want me to date your daughter tell her to quit calling me.

[Philip OKeefe]

Robert, I totally understand where you are coming from... We tried to raise our kids well, and teach them to make good decisions. We explained the emotional attachment issues that come with sexual involvement, and stated our preference that they wait until they were married until doing that; but we're not stupid enough to think that kids don't mess around, so we also explained the risks of STD's and the importance of safe sex if they did decide to partake.

 

Once they got to a certain age, then what they decide to do with their lives and bodies is their decision. We also talked about drugs and drinking. And as with sex, our main concern is the physical and emotional safety of our children, so I always told them that they could always call me, day or night at any time, and get a free ride home for them and their friends - no lecture attached during the ride - if they or their "ride" was intoxicated. I'd rather get them home safe than have them get killed in an accident because someone was messed up and shouldn't have been driving.

 

Like you, I believe that "no means no", and any guy that violated that basic principle would definitely have problems with me.

[Bbach1]

Originally posted by TheWewus:

If you don't want me to date your daughter tell her to quit calling me.

 

Actually, at the age my daughter is, it is the girls who are chasing the guys, not the other way around.

[djwayne]

I was a dj for a couple of years. I know what guys and girls act like, when mommy and daddy aren't around. If your so worried about your precious innocent little girl, then keep that rotten brat at home !!!!!!! Tie her up if you have to, but the reality is, it takes two to tango there daddy, and many girls like to tango. They want to tango. They think you're weird if you won't tango with them. Some girls are huge troublemakers...so don't give me this "my innocent little daughter" routine.

 

grow up daddy.

[g.]

The Ashlee influence again rears its ugly head ; }

[Dan South]

I think that any healthy young lady appreciates the support of strong parents when she goes out into the dating world. Women are usually at a physical disadvantage, and it doesn't hurt to remind the boys that you're going to keep an eye on her.

 

But...being too overbearing and controlling will backfire, because not only will the guy be trying to outwit you, but your daughter will be his willing accomplice in crime, maybe because she wants to, but probably also because she's tired of you treating her like a two-year-old.

 

All things in moderation.

 

[Philip OKeefe]

Originally posted by djwayne:

I was a dj for a couple of years. I know what guys and girls act like, when mommy and daddy aren't around. If your so worried about your precious innocent little girl, then keep that rotten brat at home !!!!!!! Tie her up if you have to, but the reality is, it takes two to tango there daddy, and many girls like to tango. They want to tango. They think you're weird if you won't tango with them. Some girls are huge troublemakers...so don't give me this "my innocent little daughter" routine.

 

grow up daddy.

I agree with the basic message of your post, even if it was stated in a somewhat argumentative and confrontational manner.

 

FWIW, if I had a son, I would certainly have taught him the same things that I taught my daughters, along with the importance of treating women with respect. It's not a gender issue to me.

 

There are good people, and bad people, and all kinds of variances between the extremes - and that applies to children as well as to adults. Males nor females are immune to this basic principle.

 

Yes, it DOES take two to tango, and girls are no more nor no less inclined to do so.

[djwayne]

and another thing there daddy, you pull a gun on me, I'll shove that gun so far up your butt, you'll never get it out.

 

And in your old age, don't come bumming money off of me either.

[Philip OKeefe]

Originally posted by Dan South:

I think that any healthy young lady appreciates the support of strong parents when she goes out into the dating world. Women are usually at a physical disadvantage, and it doesn't hurt to remind the boys that you're going to keep an eye on her.

 

But...being too overbearing and controlling will backfire, because not only will the guy be trying to outwit you, but your daughter will be his willing accomplice in crime, maybe because she wants to, but probably also because she's tired of you treating her like a two-year-old.

 

All things in moderation.

 

Excellent post Dan. I agree completely.

[Philip OKeefe]

Originally posted by djwayne:

and another thing there daddy, you pull a gun on me, I'll shove that gun so far up your butt, you'll never get it out.

 

And in your old age, don't come bumming money off of me either.

If I pull a firearm on ANYONE, I'll have a damned good reason to do so - which means my life or the life and / or limb of one of my immediate family members is in imminent peril. And under those circumstances, I fully expect the perp to TRY to take the gun away, and I am fully trained in weapons retention. IOW, they can TRY, but they're not very likely to succeed.

 

Can we please try to lighten this up a bit? It's a JOKE people.

[djwayne]

Some fathers take their role too seriously, and I also have been trained on self-defense, so if a weapon gets pulled, I'll survive.

 

Joke my azz, I've had psycho protective fathers and mothers, brothers, and sisters, and girlfriends and boyfriends, to deal with over the years, that seem to think they're "protecting" the poor innocent little girl. They usually have no clue on what's really going on.

[g.]

"This summer I hear the drumming

Four dead in Ohio"

[Steve Force]

Originally posted by djwayne:

Some fathers take their role too seriously, and I also have been trained on self-defense, so if a weapon gets pulled, I'll survive.

 

Joke my azz, I've had psycho protective fathers and mothers, brothers, and sisters, and girlfriends and boyfriends, to deal with over the years, that seem to think they're "protecting" the poor innocent little girl. They usually have no clue on what's really going on.

You are misinformed--fathers generally know what is going on.

 

You are obviously not a father.

 

Well, I am past that phase now--my daughter being 25, married, with two daughters of her own.

[djwayne]

Originally posted by forceman:

Originally posted by djwayne:

Some fathers take their role too seriously, and I also have been trained on self-defense, so if a weapon gets pulled, I'll survive.

 

Joke my azz, I've had psycho protective fathers and mothers, brothers, and sisters, and girlfriends and boyfriends, to deal with over the years, that seem to think they're "protecting" the poor innocent little girl. They usually have no clue on what's really going on.

You are an idiot.

Like the WEWUS says,"If you don't want your daughter going out with me, then tell her to quit calling me."

 

Truer words were never spoken.

[Super 8]

If she were my daughter I'd...

*What would you do, Daddy?*

 

If she were my daughter I'd...

*What would you do, Daddy?*

 

If she were my daughter I'd...

*What would you do, Daddy?*

 

Smother my daughter in chocolate syrup, And strap her on again, *Oh baby!*

Smother that girl in chocolate syrup, And strap her on again!

She's a *Teenage Baby,* and she turns me on,

I'd like to make Her do a *nasty* On the White House Lawn!

Gonna smother that daughter in chocolate syrup,

And boogie till the cows come home!

 

http://www.bonestamp.com/bonestamp/images/Celebs/Frank%20Zappa.jpg

 

Yeah, I can think of at least one father who wanted to break my neck.

 

But to be honest, his 'sweet little princess' was so horny, she could barely keep her clothes on when we were together.....and she was KINKY too! Man, we had some good times together.

 

Sometimes the boyfriend isn't the instigator.....sometimes he's just the willing accomplice.

[Philip OKeefe]

Originally posted by djwayne:

Some fathers take their role too seriously, and I also have been trained on self-defense, so if a weapon gets pulled, I'll survive.

 

Joke my azz, I've had psycho protective fathers and mothers, brothers, and sisters, and girlfriends and boyfriends, to deal with over the years, that seem to think they're "protecting" the poor innocent little girl. They usually have no clue on what's really going on.

Please see my comments about gender, age and "good people and bad people and variations thereof".

 

Yes, there ARE some idiots out there - I agree with you on that.

 

Like the WEWUS says,"If you don't want your daughter going out with me, then tell her to quit calling me."

 

I can agree that this ocurs too. My points are not directed towards you personally, nor do they deny these sides of the issues.

 

[pipelineaudio]

due to the plethora of military girls available where I grew up, I can remember being caught by a dad, a gunny seargent straight out of full metal jacket.

 

GAH!

 

Never was there such a rush to get off federal property!

[Philip OKeefe]

Originally posted by pipelineaudio:

due to the plethora of military girls available where I grew up, I can remember being caught by a dad, a gunny seargent straight out of full metal jacket.

 

GAH!

 

Never was there such a rush to get off federal property!

*I* had one of those for a father when I was a kid growing up - it's not much better from the son's perspective.

[djwayne]

Here's an old Celtic song that depicts the relationship between a father and daughter, and how she wanted one man and the father wanted her to marry another for money.

 

ANNACHIE GORDON (8:22)

Words and music traditional. Arranged and adapted by Loreena McKennitt

 

Harking is bonny and there lives my love

My heart lies on him and cannot remove

It cannot remove for all that I have done

And I never will forget my love Annachie

For Annachie Gordon he's bonny and he's bright

He'd entice any woman that e'er he saw

He'd entice any woman and so he has done me

And I never will forget my love Annachie.

 

Down came her father and he's standing at the door

Saying Jeannie you are trying the tricks of a whore

You care nothing for a man who cares so much for thee

You must marry Lord Sultan and leave Annachie

For Annachie Gordon is barely but a man

Although he may be pretty but where are his lands

The Sultan's lands are broad and his towers they run high

You must marry Lord Sultan and leave Annachie.

 

With Annachie Gordon I beg for my bread

And before I marry Sultan his gold to my head

With gold to my head and straight down to my knees

And I'll die if I don't get my love Annachie

And you who are my parents to church you may me bring

But unto Lord Sultan I'll never bear a son

To a son or a daughter I'll never bow my knee

And I'll die if I don't get my love Annachie.

 

Jeannie was married and from church was brought home

When she and her maidens so merry should have been

When she and her maidens so merry should have been

She goes into her chamber and cries all alone.

 

Come to my bed my Jeannie my honey and my sweet

To stile you my mistress it would be so sweet

Be it mistress or Jeanne it's all the same to me

But in your bed Lord Sultan I never will lie

And down came her father and he's spoken with reknown

Saying you who are her maidens

Go loosen up her gowns

And she fell down to the floor

And straight down to his knee saying

Father look I'm dying for my love Annachie.

 

The day that Jeanne married was the day that Jeannie died

And the day that young Annachie came home on the tide

And down came her maidens all wringing of their hands

Saying oh it's been so long, you've been so long on the sands

So long on the sands, so long on the flood

They have married your Jeannie and now she lies dead.

 

You who are her maidens come take me by the hand

And lead me to the chamber where my love she lies in

And he kissed her cold lips till his heart it turned to stone

And he died in the chamber where his love she lies in.