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some of you might remember my previous post asking how a person is supposed to know if they are in *LOVE* or not... :rolleyes:

 

So, it's been a long time... My new heartthrob smokes, though :mad:

 

Am I so wrong to think that might be a deal breaker?? :(

 

Any nonsmokers out there coexisting peacefully with "smoking" spouses?

 

Plus, she wears the most godawful makeup.... :mad:

 

She is a beautiful sunny woman, but she insists on wearing this dark "Goth Style" makeup...

 

I am 50 years old, and this little lady has got to be at least a few years younger than me...

 

:confused: What should i do???

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I'll tackle this. Yep, me with only 1 "relationship" at 14 and 3 online relationships. No, wait! Oddly enough I am often giving advice to friends on relationships, it's so weird - with what little "real" experience I have.

 

Have you ever sat down and assessed what it is you want and need in a relationship? We all know that, our significant others have negatives with their positives - as do we ourselves. You just need to filter through your wants/needs - see what she fits, and then whatever it is you don't want - if she has those qualities or habits, check if they are significant enough to be the deal breaker or something to pass up. With smoking... see I don't want a smoker either. But, maybe you could start dating, and then along the way if you two are becoming really interested in eachother - maybe give an ultimatum... I'd rather be upfront about it immediately, you know "I really like alot of things about you, but I'm bothered that you smoke". Ask if they are planning on quitting or maybe try to convince them. That may or may not work.

 

But ultimately you're down to a decision - filter these qualities and habits into your want/need filter and come to your conclusion.

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I've been married for almost 11 years. It took two short relationships with smokers for me to proactively say that I would not date a smoker unless they kicked the habit... and I wasn't about to wait around to see that happen, so I simply refused to date smokers ever again.

 

It's not that I can't be around smokers (though I prefer not to be), rather, I would not kiss a smoker and I certainly wouldn't want to live in smoke. Whether it was mine or her car or her apartment/house, the overwhelming stench of smoke in everything would be too much for me to bear. So why risk falling in love with someone I'd simply want to change right from the start?

 

You have to decide whether you're willing to let her smoke permeate your entire life.. because that's just what will happen if this becomes a serious relationship.

 

Good luck!

 

(BTW - I watched my brother break off a long term relationship because he finally realized that his religeous beliefs did (and do) matter to him, and the two of them were not the same religeon. In the long run, it was the right thing to do. But it tore both of them up for a long time.)

It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman

 

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Originally posted by fantasticsound:

(BTW - I watched my brother break off a long term relationship because he finally realized that his religeous beliefs did (and do) matter to him, and the two of them were not the same religeon. In the long run, it was the right thing to do. But it tore both of them up for a long time.)

Best line from the "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" movie...

 

"They broke up over religious differences. She thought she was god and he disagreed."

"Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine"
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I'd never date another smoker again. Sorry, but I've been that route, and I just can't take that crap anymore. People talk about quitting alot, but I've found that often the only way to get rid of the smoking, is to get rid of the smoker.

 

There are exceptions however,

My wife had smoked for 5 years when I met her....she quit very early in our relationship.

We're a smoke-free house.

 

As for the makeup issue....

I can't help ya there. Some girls are really weird about their makeup. Some wear it to enhance their facial features. Some wear it like an extension of their personalities. Others wear it like a mask.

 

My advice:

Proceed with caution. It sounds like there are some things about her that just aren't doing it for you. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

Super 8

 

Hear my stuff here

 

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Originally posted by Tedster:

Originally posted by fantasticsound:

(BTW - I watched my brother break off a long term relationship because he finally realized that his religeous beliefs did (and do) matter to him, and the two of them were not the same religeon. In the long run, it was the right thing to do. But it tore both of them up for a long time.)

Best line from the "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" movie...

 

"They broke up over religious differences. She thought she was god and he disagreed."

;):D:thu:

It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman

 

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fntstcsnd

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Originally posted by Tedster:

Originally posted by fantasticsound:

(BTW - I watched my brother break off a long term relationship because he finally realized that his religeous beliefs did (and do) matter to him, and the two of them were not the same religeon. In the long run, it was the right thing to do. But it tore both of them up for a long time.)

Best line from the "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids" movie...

 

"They broke up over religious differences. She thought she was god and he disagreed."

At a 50th anniversary party:

 

"We've been married 50 years and had only one fight. It started on the honeymoon and hasn't ended yet." :D

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My husband quit smoking a couple of years before we met. He regressed shortly before our wedding, partially because we were playing gigs in smoky bars and the temptation got to him. That and he was stressed to the max about marrying me and becoming a stepdad. We maintain a smoke free household. He smokes outside and keeps a buttcan by the door. He doesn't smoke at all in my presence unless we're outside so that I don't inhale any of the second hand smoke. Someday he will quit again, and I'll help him ride out the nicotine withdrawl. In the meantime, it's his business so I keep my big mouth shut about it. I've got my faults, and he's incredibly patient with me.

 

As for your situation ... the only way I can see it being a deal breaker is if you can't stand to kiss her when she's smoking. If the two of you can set up mutual respectable 'smoking boundaries' it shouldn't be an issue.

 

As for the goth makeup ... it's a fad and will eventually pass. I'd just let that one go. Tell her how beautiful she looks on the days she ISN'T wearing the heavy makeup, and leave it at that. Does she tell you what to wear? Probably not.

 

I'd find it rude if a guy I was dating went on a mission to change how I look or act. I'd drop him in a heartbeat.

 

You can't make someone change. But if you truly can't tolerate the smoke or the makeup, then break it off and find someone more to your liking.

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But seriously,

 

I couldn't date a smoker.

 

I get in a car that somebody smokes in and almost feel like walking.

 

True story: Two weeks ago I'm on the golf course, we round the bend of a path, and I smell something FOUL. I almost say to the guy next to me "Where's the dead skunk in the woods?", but then realize one of our other partners has lit up cigar the size of North Carolina.

 

Smoking can change, but the change will have to come from within her. You won't make her change, but if you show caring and compassion, she may make the change to show care and compassion for you. Not that this will happen in the next two weeks. Express your concerns openly and without judgment.

 

As for the make-up thing, it's a part of her personality. It may change, but I wouldn't make a big deal about it unless we're in Tammy Faye Bakker territory. :freak:

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Originally posted by TrancedelicBlues:

:confused: What should i do???

Do you want to date a woman that smokes? If not, don't date her.

 

Do you like a lot of make-up on a woman or the natural look? If you don't like a lot of make-up, don't date her.

 

Its like saying you won't work 4 PM - 12 PM, but any other hours are OK. Then you get a job offer to work 4 PM - 12 PM. Should you take it? NO!!

 

BTW, I just turned 51 and I'm divorced. Seems like were in about the same situation. If I don't like something about a woman I met and went out with, I don't see her again.

There are two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.
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Originally posted by TrancedelicBlues:

some of you might remember my previous post asking how a person is supposed to know if they are in *LOVE* or not... :rolleyes:

 

So, it's been a long time... My new heartthrob smokes, though :mad:

 

Am I so wrong to think that might be a deal breaker?? :(

 

Any nonsmokers out there coexisting peacefully with "smoking" spouses?

 

Plus, she wears the most godawful makeup.... :mad:

 

She is a beautiful sunny woman, but she insists on wearing this dark "Goth Style" makeup...

 

I am 50 years old, and this little lady has got to be at least a few years younger than me...

 

:confused: What should i do???

LOVE THE ONE you're WITH

Want what you have

 

you wear some of your own goth style make up for hallow ween and she goes as LOIS LANE then you two go out to a straight bar and get roaring dronk and order a taxi to a tall building. when you get there at the "sky-scraper", hold the taxi and ask the cabbie cat iffen this is indeed an authentic CITY SKY-SCRAPER and listen for the scraping sound.

Frank Ranklin and the Ranktones

 

WARP SPEED ONLY STREAM

FRANKIE RANKLIN (Stanky Franks) <<<

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Well, the makeup thing is a non-issue, really. I think women in general look better without it,but obviously lots of women disagree.

 

I do think if she must wear makeup, she might want to explore the hot pink side of the color spectrum, but since I don't really care that much, i guess the Goth thing is cool. It's just, IMHO it doesn't suit her... and yeah,we're approaching Tammy Faye territory here, folks! :D

 

as for the smoking thing, well, Cherri's post shows me that people can work this stuff out at least some of the time! thhanks, Cherri, that was a ray of hope!

 

But I don't really want to go into any sort of judgemental mode. I don't care what anyone does, really. I just kinda don't like the smell in the air. The kiss/taste thing is fine. :) I just really don't like ambient smoke in the air... :(

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I wouldn't let a little cig smoke bother me if I dug a chick. I wouldn't let a little goth makeup bother me if I dug a chick. I wouldn't care what everyone else thought about it either. I just don't care to analyze relationships like that. It's simply better to have some than not. Take up cigars. That'll blow out her cig smell.

The only thing you might wanna do is have her keep the smoke out of the house and the car. Don't throw her out of your bed for it.

bbach

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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I could date a smoker, but I could not live with one. Smoking is a bitch. I think the majority of people who smoke WOULD quit if it were not so damn addictive, but it hooks you in. I have never smoked, but damn near everyone else in my family has, and many of them hav repeatedly tried to stop, and slid backwards, and some of these people are very willfull and strong.

 

RE: Makeup. I am not a makeup guy at all. The less the better. The smell bugs me the most. However, the thing is, if you really like her, and can work something out on the smoking, I am betting the makeup will change after your relationship stabalizes and becomes more secure. I tend to find that many of the women I know that wear alot of makeup have unstale relationships, are single or suffering from low self esteem. I tend to think this will fade over time. See if you can get a peek at an older pic of her and see what the makeup situation was like then.

 

The other thing you could consider re: makeup is getting her a 'spa day' gift. When she arrives, the people there will probably offer her some suggestions to make her feel more comfortable with her natural self. The gift will be appreciated by her, and will give you a chance to see if she is receptive to some changes. She will have an awesome day, feel pampered and loved. It is a win win. There is aplace by me that does mini-spa days for like $125.00. Well worth it. Ironically, given my current relationship with her, I gave one of these to my mother in law, and she was in heaven.

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I'm a non smoker and have dated guys who smoke. It's not really an issue so long as they don't smoke in the house or car... kinda like cherri's deal. I know several married couples where one smokes and the other doesn't, and that's what they've done. I also know a couple of instances where people have been motivated to quit because their mate doesn't smoke, which is cool too. Always nice to date people who will give you the opportunity to grow and motivate you to do things you might not have been able to do alone.

 

I'd agree with Dean about the makeup thing, as time goes on and she feels more secure with you she probably won't wear it as much, especially if you emphasize how pretty you think she is when she's not wearing it. I'm also pleasantly surprised to see how many of you guys prefer women without makeup, as I don't wear it except on stage. :D

 

I think it all boils down to two things: 1) how serious do you think you might be about this girl? and 2) how much do those things really bother you in proportion to other things you have in common? I think if you truly love someone, a lot of those little things that might normally annoy you about a person, become a lot less important, because there are bigger things you share with them that are irreplaceable. So if the little things bother you that much, maybe there are other issues... I'd think it's less of an issue that she wears makeup than that she wears GOTH makeup and that you are 50 years old... that would seem to indicate a pretty big age difference and, probably, that means some big differences in values and understanding of the world also. That might well be what's really bothering you.

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Originally posted by Lee Flier:

I'm a non smoker and have dated guys who smoke. It's not really an issue so long as they don't smoke in the house or car... kinda like cherri's deal...

Maybe for you, Lee, but that's hardly the only issue.

 

The biggest deal breaker for me is the taste of passionately kissing an ash tray. :freak: And there's no getting away from that issue, as with not smoking in the house or car.

It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman

 

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Well Neil, that's what things like toothbrushes are for. ;)

 

I hear ya though... I really really don't like cig smoke. But if I were really really compatible with somebody and he was a great person and happened to smoke, I'd hate to think something like that would be a deal breaker.

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Originally posted by TrancedelicBlues:

Originally posted by GY:

Smoking is an addiction... as in drug addict. Does that clear things up for you?

seems a little harsh... :(
Yes, but life's too short to beat around the shrubs. And, what I said was the truth as I see it. Another affliction that is just as bad as an addiction is denial.

GY

 

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Originally posted by Lee Flier:

Uhh... so then do you think someone who's addicted to cigarettes is incapable of being a good life partner?

I'm sure there are people who smoke who are far better people than I am. As you know, of course, I'm not even a person. Just a cat.

 

But if someone smoked, I don't think they would be capable of being a good life partner for me.

 

Sure, I've had a cigerette or two in my day, I even dated a smoker for a while. But not for the long haul. At the end of the day, I don't want to be around clothes that smell of stale smoke. I don't want to go to hotel rooms and parts of restaurants with stale smoke smell lingering in them. I don't want to be defensive about whether or not my partner is smoking in the house, or some other agreed-upon smoke-free zone. I don't want to kiss an ashtray. And most of all, I don't want to dredge up slogans from a Brooke Shields PSA that I can't believe I actually remember!

 

Thus: smokers are OK, I suppose, for a booty call. But not for "life."

Dooby Dooby Doo
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