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The Official Argument Thread!!!!!!


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A large, slightly dusty educational type of institution. In the reception area sits a person of the female persuasion, typing. Mr Reg Punter enters and approaches her.

 

PUNTER Good morning.

RECEPTIONIST Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

PUNTER Well, I'd like to have an argument, please.

RECEPTIONIST Certainly, sir. Have you been here before?

PUNTER No, this is my first time.

RECEPTIONIST I see. Do you want to have a single argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

PUNTER Well... what would be the cost?

RECEPTIONIST It's two pounds for a five-minute argument, but only fifteen pounds for a course of ten.

PUNTER I see... well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one, and see how it goes...

RECEPTIONIST Fine - I'll see who's free at the moment.

 

She consults her file.

 

RECEPTIONIST Er... Mr Ouspensky is free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Yes... try Mr Nicoll, Room 12.

PUNTER Thank you.

 

Punter walks in the direction indicated, sees Room 12, knocks and enters.

 

NICOLL (shouting) What do you want?

PUNTER ...Well, I was told outside...

NICOLL Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

PUNTER What?!

NICOLL Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type makes me PUKE! You vacuous, toffee-nosed, scrofulous pervert!

PUNTER Look! I came here for an argument, not to be...

NICOLL Oh!... Oh, I'm sorry! This is ABUSE.

PUNTER Ah!

NICOLL No, no. You want 12A, next door.

PUNTER I see, sorry!

NICOLL Not at all, that's all right.

 

Punter exits.

 

NICOLL Stupid git.

 

Punter goes to the next door, and knocks.

 

BENNETT Come in!

 

Punter enters.

 

PUNTER Er... Is this the right room for an argument?

BENNETT ...I've told you ONCE.

PUNTER No you haven't.

BENNETT Yes I have.

PUNTER When?

BENNETT Just now!

PUNTER No you didn't.

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER Didn't.

BENNETT Did.

PUNTER Didn't.

BENNETT I'm telling you I did!

PUNTER You did not!

BENNETT Oh, I'm sorry... I should have asked... Is this a five-minute argument or the full half hour?

PUNTER Oh!

 

He smiles with relief.

 

PUNTER Just the five-minute one.

 

Bennett notes this.

 

BENNETT Fine.. thank you. Anyway, I did.

PUNTER You most certainly did not.

BENNETT Now let's get this thing QUITE clear. I most definitely told you.

PUNTER You did not.

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER You did not.

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER You didn't.

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER You didn't.

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER You didn't.

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER Didn't!

BENNETT Yes I did.

PUNTER ...Look, THIS isn't an argument

BENNETT Yes it is.

PUNTER No it isn't, it's just contradiction.

BENNETT No it isn't!

PUNTER Yes it is.

BENNETT It is no!

PUNTER It is! You just contradicted me!

BENNETT No I didn't!

PUNTER Ooh, you did!

BENNETT No, no, no, no, no...

PUNTER You did, just then!

BENNETT Nonsense.

PUNTER Oh, look... this is futile.

BENNETT No it isn't!

PUNTER I came here for a good argument.

BENNETT No you didn't. You came here for an ARGUMENT.

PUNTER Well, argument's not the same as contradiction.

BENNETT It can be.

PUNTER No it can't! An argument's a collected series of statement to establish a definite position.

BENNETT No it isn't!

PUNTER Yes it is, it isn't just contradiction.

BENNETT It can be.

PUNTER But it isn't just saying 'No it isn't'.

BENNETT Yes it is!

PUNTER It isn't. Argument's an intellectual process - contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

BENNETT No it isn't.

PUNTER Yes it IS!

BENNETT Not at all.

PUNTER Now look, I...

 

Bennett suddenly rings a bell on his desk, notes the time and makes an entry in a file. Punter stares.

 

BENNETT Thank you. Good morning.

PUNTER What?

BENNETT That's it... good morning.

PUNTER But I was just getting interested.

BENNETT Sorry, the five minutes is over.

PUNTER ...That was NEVER five minutes...

BENNETT I'm afarid it was.

PUNTER (quickly) No it wasn't!

BENNETT ...Sorry. I'm not allowed to argue any more.

PUNTER What?

BENNETT If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

PUNTER But that was never five minutes just now... Oh, come on!

 

A pause.

 

PUNTER Oh, this is ridiculous!

BENNETT I'm very sorry, but as I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.

PUNTER Oh, all right...

 

Punter takes his wallet out and gives Bennett the fee.

 

PUNTER There you are.

BENNETT Thank you.

 

Bennett pockets it and looks at Punter.

 

PUNTER Well?

BENNETT 'Well' what?

PUNTER That was never five minutes just now.

BENNETT (with great patience) I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you pay.

PUNTER (flabbergasted) ...I just paid!

BENNETT No you didn't.

PUNTER I did!

BENNETT You didn't!

PUNTER I did!

BENNETT You didn't!

PUNTER I did! Look - I don't want to argue about that.

BENNETT Well, I'm very sorry, but you didnt't pay!

PUNTER ...Aha! Well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing?

 

A pause.

 

PUNTER Got you!

BENNETT ...No you haven't.

PUNTER Yes I have! If you're arguing, I MUST have paid.

BENNETT Not necessarily... I COULD be arguing in my spare time.

PUNTER Oh, I'be had enough of this.

BENNETT (quickly) No you haven't!

PUNTER Oh, shut up!

 

Punter storms out of the room and walks hurriedly into another skit.

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Thank you, eh Steve for ruining this thread for the rest of us! :mad:

 

I was going to quote one line from the Arguement sketch but nooooooooooo. You had to hog the whole thing.

 

...Well... not the whole thing.

 

(Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)

 

Man: I want to complain.

 

Complainer: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.

 

Man: No, I want to complain about...

 

Complainer: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.

 

Man: Oh!

 

Complainer: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.

 

(Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)

 

Man: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!

 

Head Hitter: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.

 

Man: uuuwwhh!!

 

Head Hitter: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.

 

Man: No.

 

Head Hitter: Now..

 

Man: Waaaaah!!!

 

Head Hitter: Good, Good! That's it.

 

Man: Stop hitting me!!

 

Head Hitter: What?

 

Man: Stop hitting me!!

 

Head Hitter: Stop hitting you?

 

Man: Yes!

 

Head Hitter: Why did you come in here then?

 

Man: I wanted to complain.

 

Head Hitter: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.

 

Man: What a stupid concept.

:D

It's easiest to find me on Facebook. Neil Bergman

 

Soundclick

fntstcsnd

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Macs are better than PCs! No, PCs are better than Macs! Macs are better than PCs! No, PCs are better than Macs! :mad: Macs are better than PCs! No, PCs are better than Macs! :mad:
Yamaha MODX8, Korg Kronos 2 61, Hammond B3, Novation 61SL MKII, Impulse 61, Roland D-550, Proteus 2000, etc......to name a few.
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Originally posted by ernest828@aol.com:

Here now I`ll get you all going. This is the exact type of post I`m always bantering about. Total nonsense. Who has the time?!

Clearly not I.

Ernest

We were having a perfectly good argument until you came along. What's your problem?

 

If you people want to see a REAL argument wait until LiveMusic starts another thread. Just wait, damn it! Why aren't you waiting? You're pathetic and I hate you!

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Originally posted by ernest828@aol.com:

Here now I`ll get you all going. This is the exact type of post I`m always bantering about. Total nonsense. Who has the time?!

Clearly not I.

Ernest

And yet, you were curious enough to click on the thread, and you had time to post a barb. :rolleyes:

 

Just now, we've been having a discussion here at work about mechanisms for tropical storm destabilization over the Caribbean, NMAP tool modifications for analyzing jet stream thicknesses and such. After such discussions, I find a little silliness uplifting.

 

Back to the drudgery.

"Cisco Kid, was a friend of mine"
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If you people want to see a REAL argument wait until LiveMusic starts another thread. Just wait, damn it! Why aren't you waiting? You're pathetic and I hate you!

I beg to differ weesieur. i for one always enjoy those posts and my life is much richer for having read them.

Reach out and grab a clue.

 

Something Vicious

My solo crap

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Yeah, you might think "Fermented Llama Feces" would be a good name for a rock band, but it wouldn't!!! No club would hire you! If you paid some club to play people wouldn't come! They'd see your stupid name on the marquee and say to themselves, "Hell, I'd rather drive all the way across town to hear "What The...?" than hear these losers! Heck, TR-505 Night at the Karaokee bar would be better than either! "

Botch

"Eccentric language often is symptomatic of peculiar thinking" - George Will

www.puddlestone.net

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Originally posted by ryst:

Hey Everybody!!! Let's argue about something!!!! I have been looking through this forum and their doesn't seem to be enough arguments lately. So let's do it!!!!! Come on! It'll be fun!

I don't think we should argue.

There are too enough arguments.

Let's not do it.

No, it won't be fun.

 

Argumentative enough for you?

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