not Cereal Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 i'm not doing too good. i am having some pretty severe chest and back pain. its not a heart attack, its my lungs and back muscles that hurt. i went to the doctor and he gave me MORE DRUGS (great, like i need more drugs). i got off the internal steriods for a week. i had to go back on them. so now i am taking a whole bunch of drugs. a WHOLE BUNCH OF DRUGS. i am now on daily: prednesone ( i HATE prednesone. if youve been on it you know why. i am a big fat pig) albuterol azmacort advair claritin tylenol sinus antibiotics occasional alieve when needed. yet i am having an increasingly hard time breathing every day. its getting worse. ive bordered on going to the ER about 5 times in the last two weeks but managed to stay away. i have a hard time turning the steering wheel in my truck. i can barely carry my keyboard to practice. sometimes i cant. i cant go to the store anymore, because i cant walk long enough in the store and they dont have chairs at the supermarket (chairs at the mall though - so i can go there - but no food to take home) i pretty much had to quit my job. i still work there, but i aint making any money. we are talking from 80 hours/2 weeks to maybe 20 and those 20 are incredibly hard. i have about $1700 in hospital bills that i cant pay for because i no longer have any money. i owe my bank $500 because i am overdrawn. i'm screwed. i dont know what to do anymore and i am beginning to lose my will to defeat this. i dont feel sorry for myself at all; it could happen to anyone but i just dont have much energy left to fight anymore and i am out of ideas about how to get back to the way i was. i know my depression is looming in front of my face and i am losing the ability to fight it (i have been fighting it and winning for 8 years) i dont smoke; havent for 2 months now. thats a bitch. KIDS, DONT SMOKE. YOU CANT STOP. i'm losing a lot of avenues because of this. i cant play worth a shit. i cant haul gear. i cant go out and make the connections i need to be in music. all i can do is stay home ALL THE TIME and its BORING. sorry to be so damn whiney. i just need to vent. this REALLY SUCKS. i'm going to the doc on wednesday morning. i cant imagine anything groundbreaking happening, but i will get another big bill. i NEED to get better. i need to make money. I NEED TO MAKE MONEY. on a positive note, i HAVE had the time to learn how to make many of the variant specs of DVD's. some are good, others arent. i learned a really good way to fit 4 hours of high quality video on a dvd whereas before i could only fit 2.5 hours of high quality. i also learned how to make a 6 hour dvd but its really low quality. it was fun though. i am also building a midi-based synth in supercollider program language. so far i have it working, recieving midi, and have it making cool sound with oscs, envelopes, delays etc but sofar its only monophonic. i am looking at how to implement a midi-input array setup in the code to create a polyphonic synth. it CAN be done, and has been before by others, i just havent figured it out yet. eventually i want to have a virtual ESQ-1 on my mac. also i mixed a 8 song demo and got paid for it. that was fun even though i didnt like the music all that much. i still did my best on it and even added a few sounds of my own to it when nobody was looking if one thing is positive from all this, i have learned to value life and the people in it more, because it can all go away in an instant. i know that now. you can get killed in an accident. you can get cancer. you can just die for whatever reason. i dont think i will die i think i will get better, i just dont know when. its been three and a half months so far. i have NEVER been sick this long. EVER. 3 days max. also i learned i love my fiance unconditionally ( i knew that before, but this really re-enforces it) and value her more than my selfish needs like cars, computers, music, beer ( i DIDNT know that before and it always was a problem for me) anyway enough about me. back to whatever you were talking about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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