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OT: you can never go home


J. Dan

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I typed something very long and heartfelt and my iPad died before I posted. So this is sort of my half assed attempt to remember what I said that actually meant something to me before the iPad died.

 

Grosse Point Blank is one of my favorite movies. If you haven't seen it, John Cusak plays an assassin who left his prom date to join the military and then do mercinary assassinations for money. He sees a psychiatrist who is uncomfortable because he's an assassin. He gets a hit booked in his home town the weekend of his his hook reunion and reconnects wi the girlfriend he abandoned, good stuff.

 

He goes to his old house which was sold and is now a convenience store, " you can never go home, but you can buy a slushy". It was funny in the movie, but recently hit home.

 

My mom died about 2 years a go and we finally cleaned everything out and are closing on the house, I walked through my HOME for the last time Sunday. It will never be ther again. The building will be there, but it'll be flipped and modernized wi somebody who's not in m family living there.

 

I know many of you have moved around. So maybe this isn't a big deal. But I'm the youngest and none of us have lived anywhere outside of our adult lives except this hous and always could go back. Even since my mom passed 2 years ago, the house and all the "stuff" was there.

 

I just feel like my whole childhood is getting erased. I'm sure the feeling will pass, it's just the finality, if that makes sense. Like, this is really happening, I can never go home again.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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Maybe the scariest thing is that for my kids, I'm the one. Like I'm it. Not my dad who fought in WWII, but just stupid me. I'm not ready for this, even though my dat was a f-ng hero at 19. I'm 45 and nowhere near half the man he was. How do I do it? How do I pass to my kids all the things they need? There is no training manual for this.

Dan

 

Acoustic/Electric stringed instruments ranging from 4 to 230 strings, hammered, picked, fingered, slapped, and plucked. Analog and Digital Electronic instruments, reeds, and throat/mouth.

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Passing things on to our children is done one small event, one casual conversation, and one dinner table at a time.

 

I had such great aspirations for how I'd teach my children all sorts of things - music, theology, ethics, math, business strategy, what it "means to be a Wat man" and all sorts of lofty, unrealistic things. And life got in the way with careers, work travel, money, vacations, toys, an unhappy marriage, and all the crap the happens in everyday life that becomes, brick upon brick, day upon day, a way of life.

 

My boys are now 29 and 27. Both well along starting careers, one of them married. I am prouder of the men they have become than I am of any other thing I ever accomplished, earned, built or achieved in this silly little insignificant life.

 

And you know what? They remember the strangest things. Places we went on vacation. Stupid jokes we told. The dog we had when they were little. They remember the house they grew up in (I still live here in it).

 

I was always told my job as a dad was to train up good young men. And they exceeded so many of my hopes and expectations - not in money, or titles, or status, but where it counts, as men of backbone and character and standing up.

 

You're right there's no manual for this. Just be mindful that the days are finite, no one is promised tomorrow and try to make as many days with them count as best you can. The manual, I think, is to show them the man their father is.

 

I've told you before, Dan, my GF (soon to be fiancé) works with the elderly in a skilled nursing facility. They don't really check in planning to leave. It's a sobering reminder that we all have a number over our heads. And none of those folks ever die wishing they'd spent less time with their kids.

 

 

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Dan, I know the feeling. I just lost my father a month ago and my mom and I will be going through the house and clearing it out and getting it ready to sell. I was thinking something similar myself. It does feel like my whole childhood is being erased. I hope it gets easier, but it is tough. I am an only child so my family just got a lot smaller. I have a wife and 3 children so I totally understand how you are felling and am in a similar boat.
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Maybe the scariest thing is that for my kids, I'm the one. Like I'm it. Not my dad who fought in WWII, but just stupid me. I'm not ready for this, even though my dat was a f-ng hero at 19. I'm 45 and nowhere near half the man he was. How do I do it? How do I pass to my kids all the things they need? There is no training manual for this.

 

 

Hi Dan,

 

I went through this about ten year ago. As they say, "if you stick around long enough you will eventually play all the parts in life"

 

Know this: your dad had the same worries as will all fathers in their time. The fact that you are worried about it shows you will do fine. It will be all right. My son faces totally different challanges then I did, or my father did. They will need different skills and atitudes to be sucessful in life, but mostly they are young and full of energy. They can cope with the future much better than we can. I have been told by other dads: Time is the best thing you can give them. Wish I had more of it!!

 

Best

 

Karl

 

MPCX, RD-800, Vsynth, Matrix 12
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@Dan. I like the explanation the John Cusack character gives him mate - something like "I did these aptitude tests and they indicated that I was a little morally ambiguous". Yes I've moved away (rather than around). My wife's family went through a similar thing once both parents were gone and there was no family home as a focus for visits and Christmas. You're 45 (I'm 50) - aye, it happened. We're the grown ups. Do you ever really get used to it?

 

@Tim. Congratulations - are you telling us that we know of the coming engagement before your girlfriend?

I'm the piano player "off of" Borrowed Books.
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Maybe the scariest thing is that for my kids, I'm the one. Like I'm it. Not my dad who fought in WWII, but just stupid me. I'm not ready for this, even though my dat was a f-ng hero at 19. I'm 45 and nowhere near half the man he was. How do I do it? How do I pass to my kids all the things they need? There is no training manual for this.

You're a hero too. To your kids, right now.

 

You're right, there's no training manual for this. But as parents if we give our very best to our kids, our very best will be good enough.

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I typed something very long and heartfelt and my iPad died before I posted. So this is sort of my half assed attempt to remember what I said that actually meant something to me before the iPad died.

 

Grosse Point Blank is one of my favorite movies. If you haven't seen it, John Cusak plays an assassin who left his prom date to join the military and then do mercinary assassinations for money. He sees a psychiatrist who is uncomfortable because he's an assassin. He gets a hit booked in his home town the weekend of his his hook reunion and reconnects wi the girlfriend he abandoned, good stuff.

 

He goes to his old house which was sold and is now a convenience store, " you can never go home, but you can buy a slushy". It was funny in the movie, but recently hit home.

 

My mom died about 2 years a go and we finally cleaned everything out and are closing on the house, I walked through my HOME for the last time Sunday. It will never be ther again. The building will be there, but it'll be flipped and modernized wi somebody who's not in m family living there.

 

I know many of you have moved around. So maybe this isn't a big deal. But I'm the youngest and none of us have lived anywhere outside of our adult lives except this hous and always could go back. Even since my mom passed 2 years ago, the house and all the "stuff" was there.

 

I just feel like my whole childhood is getting erased. I'm sure the feeling will pass, it's just the finality, if that makes sense. Like, this is really happening, I can never go home again.

 

Dan, I have been thru similar. Losing a parent is a changing event for us. Like you, I am the youngest. We had a family home in Chicago, which was vacated and sold when Dad died. Mom bought a home in Florida soon after. We went thru similar experience when we lost her.

 

However, I moved away from family homes (to CA) when I was 22. When I drive by the old family home I have the memories but my perspective ( might be a better word) has changed. Time has a way of changing us after our parents are not alive and we have let go of the family homes .

 

I believe I have become most like my parents in a way. Its a comforting feeling. This is a personal experience that evolves over time. Nothing can erase our memories and experiences. We keep them alive.

Why fit in, when you were born to stand out ?

My Soundcloud with many originals:

[70's Songwriter]

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@Timwat: great response.

@Dan: Our "family" home was an old 2-story with added-on back parts which was purchased by my maternal grandfather. My parents and I lived there with them between my being 6 and 13 (when we moved to a smaller home a couple of blocks away).

After my father passed, my mother started the long trip through Alzheimers. My brother and his wife came from South Dakota, and lived in the home with her until the disease progressed to the point where she had to have professional assistance. They remained in the home for 2 or 3 years after her death.

Through the last 20 or more years, there had been little maintenance, and the home had structural problems.

Brother and myself (and my daughter) put the home on the market and brother & wife bought a modular home. The couple who purchased the old family home started on their dream to make it into a B&B as well as live there(it sits between two of the largest magnolia trees in the state).

A decade later, still not a B&B - I think they still live there.

 

All things on this present earth eventually go away - people, animals, plants, anything constructed. Does not make it any happier, but over time the painful part goes away. Looking forward helps.

 

A good friend family - a few weeks ago, the lady's father and mother's home burned extensively - with no insurance. The whole family is going through grief. They were blessed on Thanksgiving Day in that a local (where the parents are living with family members) church opened the doors on Thanksgiving for a family meal, including those who came from a distance.

Was it the same? No, but Sherry said that it was the first time she had seen her father smile since the fire.

 

Teaching kids: They quickly learn what is important (in one's view) by what one DOES, not what one says. I missed out on my daughter's childhood from 3 to 13 almost completely, a bit more in her teen years - but we have lived a mile or so away for the past 12 years.

 

No, can't go back again. However, can go forward making new memories and good ones, until that time comes when I repeat the cycle that has gone on since Adam and Eve. Feel blessed. Your kids will learn just from how you handle the (unavoidable) changes.

 

Howard Grand|Hamm SK1-73|Kurz PC2|PC2X|PC3|PC3X|PC361; QSC K10's

HP DAW|Epi Les Paul & LP 5-str bass|iPad mini2

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Jim

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re: what kids remember

 

I try to keep that in mind. I remember very clearly my Dad putting his fist into a door when I was five when my parents were fighting over money. My fondest memories are of visiting places that I'd likely think were dumps now that I'm an adult (certain campgrounds, parks etc) or at the least look "boring".

 

And they will learn what they want to...I was hoping they'd stick with tennis as that was a favorite between my Dad, brother for decades...nope. A big one: I'm trying to convince either of them how cool it is to play guitar but they don't seem to want any part of it :) (That was a big regret of mine, that I didn't stick with guitar as a youngster. I wouldn't trade keys for it but having both would be great...learning now but it's harder at 49!) Durn oldest kid loves his trumpet though, go figure. Having him and his marching band friend over playing dueling riffs on trumpet/sax is one of *my* favorite memories!

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My mom and pop are in their 80s - healthy at the moment and by choice me and my siblings didn't leave the coast or head south. It's been nice having them all within an hour's drive in this next stage of our lives raising kids. My wife's experiences growing up were very different - family always moving, always a new town, new school, new friends. I worry my mom and pop won't be with us forever so I try and check in on them a lot. I hope to be around for my kid, my nieces and nephews as they grow to adulthood. There's something to be said about having family near and having a "home base". A neighborhood you know every street and alley, where the best place for a burger and beer are, where you can get pulled over for speeding and the cop is your buddy Dave's younger brother. Or getting stuck on the interstate and calling your brother for a ride instead of triple A. But, things are constantly changing even when you don't notice. And all things must come to an end. I drive by a lot of houses in my parent's neighborhood and I know my buddy's and girlfriends - they're not there anymore mostly. Newly weds starting their own families in these houses built in the 50s. Or if they're wealthier, they knock them down and put in something totally out of character for the working class neighbourhood. Yeah, things change. Sux sometimes.

 

- the door to the basement at my pop's place still has a hole in it too from when he put his fist through it too. I get that completely.

Yamaha CP88, Casio PX-560

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Sobering thread. My dad's been gone for ten years now; that was a big adjustment. We weren't that close when I was a kid, but grew much closer as adults. My mom lived in the house - my childhood home - until September 2013. We had put the house on the market that summer, and had planned to move mom out to Colorado with us - where we lived at the time. In the middle of the sale my mom had a major stroke. So I handled selling the house, with my wife and I doing about a month's worth of full-time cleaning out; all that concurrent with MD consults and rehab. August - September, 2013 was a condensed trip through the memories of my first 25 years, and then some. I've been back through the old neighborhood a couple times since (Near NW suburbs of Chicago, about 70 miles from here). Still feels strange to see other people occupying the house..

'Someday, we'll look back on these days and laugh; likely a maniacal laugh from our padded cells, but a laugh nonetheless' - Mr. Boffo.

 

We need a barfing cat emoticon!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Very emotional topic, to be sure.

 

We've taught our kids that family is where you are, and to decouple from physical places. It's modern life these days. We can reunite in different places, but the experience is the same: good people who we really care about.

 

It's a tough transition, but worthwhile.

 

Life can be grand, if you embrace it.

 

We can call game in an arbitrary location (Mass, Florida, Aruba, Barcelona, Sydney, Vienna, Rome, etc.) and we can find a way to get the people who matter to the location we've selected.

 

Not everyone's cup of tea, but works for us. And our team is tighter than ever.

 

Values matter.

Want to make your band better?  Check out "A Guide To Starting (Or Improving!) Your Own Local Band"

 

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My Dads 75, he's leaving the house to me. Because of various health both physical and mental (I had agrophobia from 17 to 21 and couldn't leave the house) I was in my 30's when I finally left home. He's lived on his own for 20 years in the house I lived in from 12 years old. We have a very close bond, which is why it was a massive strain to leave him on his own. It was team father and son from when my mother left him when I was 20 to when I was 30 odd.

 

I don't know what my mental state will be when he goes (should he go first of course) A lot of memories, good, bad. To not have his presence there and to be reminded of all the hard work he put into it to put it right, well I don't know if I'm going to not be able to bear being there or go the other way and want to be there to be comforted by the things and surroundings.

 

I remember a few years ago when I sold my lower manual of my XK3 to a guy. Me and Dad took it over to him because it was a fair way and he didn't drive. He was about 60 and quite introverted. We walked in to his house and he had lots of organs, theatre style organs, home organs.

 

He told us he had lived there on his own since his mother died some years ago. He further pointed out he still had all his mothers posessions, including her clothes still hung up in her wardrobe and that he "should sort them out really" He obviously just couldn't bear for things to change, I felt really bad for him, but at the same time became reflective on my own situation.

 

 

 

 

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Ok thats a bummer. Now think about a syrian refugee. His house is gone. His city is gone . All of his friends and most of his relatives are gone or dead. We americans live better than kings. There has never been a better time and place to live than here and now. Even with our political and social problems. It aint going to be this way forever. Enjoy it now.

FunMachine.

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My Dad crossed in 2003 after my Mom in 1982. I am an only child, became administrator, and my husband and I were very busy dealing with everything (two day drive back and forth on three trips from where we live to get everything arranged and settled before selling).

 

I brought back a lot of sentimental things from there which are stacked in a closet in a back bedroom. This thread reminded me of a poem I wrote shortly after returning:

 

House Within The House

 

Dads house, or whats left of it, resides in our house,

Down at the end of the hall.

There in the room that once was mine,

But now encompasses all.

 

We took it all out and packed up the truck,

As well as the whole of his car.

We towed it carefully for three full days,

In mileage, the trip was far.

 

Some things went to family and some went to friends,

And some to the charity shop.

The nearest and dearest unto my heart,

Is in boxes clearly marked Pop.

 

New people will move into his house on the lane,

Of that, I have no doubt.

But empty white walls will be there to greet them,

As his house has been all cleaned out.

 

Now our home shares space with the memories of family,

And everything that touched Daddy Paul.

Because while he roams both heaven and Earth,

He also lives at the end of our hall.

 

:(

 

 

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During the savage fires in San Diego around 2003-4 , a day prior to the fires, I was inexplicably inspired to return to my old home, and did. When I arrived in Jersey Nyc area, I was dismayed to realize my NYC was absolutely gone. A mere 15 years transformed it completely. Sobering fo me. I returned to S Cal knowing I would never need to go back.

 

Now a quote

A great book says Shall the thing created say to him that made him Why have you made me thus?

Who or what is this creator?

Is it your body, your senses, your mind, your personal will, or the things your personality touches?

Surely not. Then why do you fear to declare that this creator is yourself, your highest, best, truest Self, who stands back of all phenomena?

 

You are not governed by your imagination, the very fact that you speak of it as your imagination,

proves it. You are not ruled by the thing you image to yourself nor by the function called imagining, for you are the one who imagines. You are not ruled by even the will to imagine, for you are the governor of your will. You are not governed by your attitude toward anything or any condition in your universe ( your former home ) and the fact that you can change your attitude proves it.

You are the creator, the preserver, the transformer, and your will is the director, but never forget that YOU are the director

of your will.

 

These are certainly not my words , but they relate to never going home and a lot more. I find these words hauntingly appealing and wish you all inspiration from them.

You don't have ideas, ideas have you

We see the world, not as it is, but as we are. "One mans food is another mans poison". I defend your right to speak hate. Tolerance to a point, not agreement

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Getting older is interesting. I just had my 30th reunion of HS and there were about 30 of us there. The rest didnt come that are here in town and a few people live elsewhere. Its kind of weird. You remember people as they were and not how they are now so it screws a little with your mind seeing them now. I never had kids but raised my girls kid from age 11 up to her leaving for Howard University a couple months ago so I guess I did OK. I think on some level all of us want things better for our kids that we didnt have for ourselves, I just did with someone elses daughter but I always will want whats best for her nonetheless. When my parents were in their late 40s I thought that was so old and here I am not 49 coming up this month and I feel young except from arthritic joints from lifting weights and doing Martial Arts. My parents are now both in their mid-80s and as much fun as it is to have them around its very hard to see them get older at the same time. My mom moved out of the city in October of 1996 and at the time I didnt want to go but it was too much house for us realistically. She has a ranch house in the suburbs only 15 minutes away now which is good because there are no stairs and its on one floor. The old house still kept up and someone that bought it put an addition on it. Very hard to do with a house of that vintage. At any rate its weird to drive down back into that neighborhood as memories flood me from when I was in my 20s and younger when maybe things were a little easier. Springsteen said in his new book that a therapist told him when you constantly go back to your old house or drive down your own old street it means on some level we are trying to fix something from the past, who knows could be? On another front its also hard to see all the old Italians have gone in Lockport and Niagara Falls also from my moms side. There the houses are there but the people arent and it gets sad driving through there sometimes. Time is always going and you dont get it back so you have to make good with what you have. The hard part is recognizing that and being able to live kind of in the moment, I know I dont do that very well sometimes.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"

 

 

noblevibes.com

 

 

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