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Sex, Relationships, and Bandmates....


HammondDave

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So, let me be the provocateur by introducing this subject:

 

I believe that most of us share the opinion that finding a group of musicians that can sustain a unified and respectful band relationship may be one of the most difficult challenges in our lives. Complicating this with sexual dalliances and personal relationships among band members exponentially increases the chances of band failure. I have been in many bands, and the only ones that have lasted any amount of time were ones that had members who were not interested in having a personal relationship with anyone in the band.

 

I know there are exceptions (Fleetwood Mac), but these are rare. Has anyone here survived such drama? I haven't...

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Well Dave so far I have. I have a girl singer and girl keyboard player, the other keyboard player is a member here. First the reason this happens is the time spent with one another. Most of the time the people in the band would not normally be attracted to each other and they probably wouldn't be attracted to each other in normal circumstances. Or you wouldn't necessarily be able to pick them out in a room of people. The problems or feelings can develop because of time on the road, love for music, time spent at gigs or being in close proximity of each other. Those temptations are magnified more than simply having a crush on the girl that has an office down the hall at work. If something happens between members issues of favoritism come out or people get distracted on the mission of the band. It is also difficult to hide it from other members. Luckily most of us are hooked up with relationships outside of the band.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"

 

 

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I CERTAINLY have not survived the drama. Married the lead singer and we split 1 1/2 years later. We were together for five years and put the band together right before we got married. First gig was our wedding! Been There Done That...

Jimmy

 

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I remember that, Jimmy...

 

I'm testing the waters right now... :laugh: Had a little fun this summer with a good friend who's band I'm in the process of joining. I think it'll be fine though, because all the cards are on the table, we're good friends, and we're not trying to have any sort of a romantic relationship, just some good, clean fun.

 

Or maybe I'll have to write some long post about it in a couple months. :snax:

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Two female vocalists. At onetime 3. Biggest drama is the girls don't always get along so well. But on stage and in public they always act like they love each other. I guess there has been 3 divorces happen in the last two years. 2 are still in process. Nobody is hooking up internally. I've personally only been with one woman. Met my wife in 4th grade. I'm pretty much just boring as hell. She stays at home. She got tired of bands a longtime ago.

 

I've worked with/for a lot of women. Never had much drama that was a problem. If I did I got another gig.

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I was the one that got our band together. I met J.B. (band leader and keys player) at a day job function.

 

He invited me and guitar hubby at the time over. We also brought along a couple of other friends for him to meet which ended up doing backing vocals on our first two original songs recorded at that meeting.

 

The other couple was soon cut out and left me and J.B. on keys, guitar player and the drum machine (as far as I know, the drum machine did not have any romantic attachments to anyone in the band).

 

:roll:

 

Things began to get rocky in my marriage to guitar player which was totally at the time unrelated to our music. He would often get annoyed and go outside while J.B. and I wrote some pretty wild and fun stuff together.

 

There was never any romance between me and J.B. but I would find out later that guitar player told his family that there was. Guitar player was also the one to officially leave the band when we announced our divorce (he had fallen in love with a co-worker at my day job that I also hung around with and who was friends with the woman in the couple who did backing vocals on our first two songs).

 

For me it was a situation of what was outside of the band complicated by perceptions within the band.

 

I would agree that keeping things professional within a band if you are already in a relationship when that band begins is a good idea. It is hard to sometimes separate band stuff from other personal or day job stuff and that can all get mixed in.

 

Add to that personality differences (J.B. got annoyed with people easily and not only kicked out S.N. from my other threads but the couple shortly after we recorded those two songs) can create tensions and animosities as well.

 

I have since been the only female in another band but was perceived as "one of the guys" and quite obviously married, so no problems on that one as current hubby would kick the day lights out of anyone who tried anything.

 

;)

 

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When band members engage in intimate relations there is always the risk of not just BF/GF breaking up but of good band members leaving because they can't stand to be working in the same group anymore.

 

Since drummers, bass players, and guitarists historically get all the girls I am solving the problem by putting together a band with no guitarist and the bass and drum parts sequenced.

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I have never dated a girl in the band but I did have one highly unexpected experience.

 

One time the " female vocalist" ( a very good singer and very very pretty) asked me my last name.

 

When I told her what it was she told me that it was likely that our grandfathers were brothers and they came to the United States during the period around World War I.

 

This turned out to be absolutely true. Which was strange because we were both in L.A. at the time, quite far from either of our hometowns.

 

Her mother knew quite a bit about my grandfather as I did not, due to the fact that my father died at an early age and I have not been in touch with any relatives - many live in the Minnesota and South Dakota area.

 

What is the likelihood of that happening???

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... as far as I know, the drum machine did not have any romantic attachments to anyone in the band ...

I once clicked with a drum machine. :love:

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My primary band has been together since 1997. Band leader is the lead singer, and she is the only female in the band. She's attractive, but we've all been playing together so long, she's more like an annoying little sister. Another reason we've never had any problems is that everyone in the band is married to a supportive, non-jealous/insecure type, non-musician.

 

Back in younger road band days... well, that's a different story, from a different era where raging hormones ruled the world. :laugh:

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Used to be in a band with a HOT lead singer who really knew how to use her sexuality to get attention. But she really wasn't very socially adept at dealing with all the attention. One guy in the band was alternatively in love/hate with this girl. Really a major issue that eventually made it to where we couldn't all work together.

 

Now I'm in a band with a very pretty young violinist. Fortunately she's married and more adult and professional about things. I love working with this girl because she doesn't seem to let it interfere with her performing. We all treat her like a band princess but no one is trying to go there. So far it works great.

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It can work but as we all know it carries a lot of danger. Just like in the day-job office, it's generally best to keep things professional and look for dates outside the band. Playing in a band and keeping it together is complicated and emotional enough already. I have found in my own experience it can be really challenging even being in a relationship with a fellow musician (in this case a fellow keyboard player, although not a fellow fellow!) even without being in the same band together.

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It can work but as we all know it carries a lot of danger. Just like in the day-job office, it's generally best to keep things professional and look for dates outside the band. Playing in a band and keeping it together is complicated and emotional enough already. I have found in my own experience it can be really challenging even being in a relationship with a fellow musician (in this case a fellow keyboard player, although not a fellow fellow!) even without being in the same band together.

 

It goes back to what I said before. The danger comes from all the time spent with each other. Thinking and acting on things are two different things.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"

 

 

noblevibes.com

 

 

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I remember that, Jimmy...

 

I'm testing the waters right now... I think it'll be fine though, because all the cards are on the table, we're good friends, and we're not trying to have any sort of a romantic relationship, just some good, clean fun.

 

Or maybe I'll have to write some long post about it in a couple months. :snax:

 

Yeah, you'll be posting about this later. :laugh:

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Only in one case have I violated the "don't sleep with the singer" rule, and I got lucky in that it turned out just fine. We had a little on-again, off-again thing for a while, then it ended amicably, and we're still friends and still work together. Did I mention I lucked out?

 

There's another singer I've known and worked with for many years, and for that entire time she and I have had a blindingly obvious, gigantic mutual crush on each other, which we've never acted on and, barring unforeseen circumstances, never will. It's so screamingly obvious, yet so obviously not going to lead to anything, that it's a compete non-issue. Her husband knows it, my ex-wife and all subsequent girlfriends have known it. Hell, anyone who sees us interact and isn't an idiot knows it. Yet we've only ever acknowledged it to each other in the most oblique, roundabout, plausibly deniable ways. Because we're odd people, that's why.

 

Conversely, I currently work a lot with a drop-dead gorgeous singer, mostly doing duo gigs. She's whipcrack smart and hysterically funny, and meets every criteria I could list for things I find desirable in a woman, and we have an amazing interpersonal chemistry... and thankfully, not even a trace of that chemistry is remotely sexual or romantic in nature. There was a time last year when we were both single at the same time, and a lot of our friends were trying to convince us we should date, to which be both replied, "Are you friggin' crazy?? We like working together way too much for that! For that matter, we just like each other as people way too much for that!"

 

Hmm, now that I think about it, I guess I've lucked out in various ways in that department just not the obvious ones. I'm good with that.

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I once clicked with a drum machine. :love:

 

I would do that, too, in a beat!

 

:)

 

One step at a time or you'll pretty soon be off track with it all.

 

 

Been in a band where two hooked up, never again. After that I made a point of asking any potential band if there is any relationships going on within it. I will always walk from that scenario.

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Only in one case have I violated the "don't sleep with the singer" rule, and I got lucky in that it turned out just fine. We had a little on-again, off-again thing for a while, then it ended amicably, and we're still friends and still work together. Did I mention I lucked out?

 

There's another singer I've known and worked with for many years, and for that entire time she and I have had a blindingly obvious, gigantic mutual crush on each other, which we've never acted on and, barring unforeseen circumstances, never will. It's so screamingly obvious, yet so obviously not going to lead to anything, that it's a compete non-issue. Her husband knows it, my ex-wife and all subsequent girlfriends have known it. Hell, anyone who sees us interact and isn't an idiot knows it. Yet we've only ever acknowledged it to each other in the most oblique, roundabout, plausibly deniable ways. Because we're odd people, that's why.

 

Conversely, I currently work a lot with a drop-dead gorgeous singer, mostly doing duo gigs. She's whipcrack smart and hysterically funny, and meets every criteria I could list for things I find desirable in a woman, and we have an amazing interpersonal chemistry... and thankfully, not even a trace of that chemistry is remotely sexual or romantic in nature. There was a time last year when we were both single at the same time, and a lot of our friends were trying to convince us we should date, to which be both replied, "Are you friggin' crazy?? We like working together way too much for that! For that matter, we just like each other as people way too much for that!"

 

Hmm, now that I think about it, I guess I've lucked out in various ways in that department just not the obvious ones. I'm good with that.

 

That's good, you don't hear stories like that often. I think to understand it you have to have girls in the band.

"Danny, ci manchi a tutti. La E-Street Band non e' la stessa senza di te. Riposa in pace, fratello"

 

 

noblevibes.com

 

 

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Two female vocalists. At onetime...

No idea why my brain decided to read this the way it did. I was getting ready for a good story.

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I once clicked with a drum machine. :love:

 

I would do that, too, in a beat!

 

I tried that before but crashed... how symbolic. :crazy:

 

You have to have thick skins.

 

:freak:

And stick to the rhythm method.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

-Mark Twain

 

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Has anyone here survived such drama? I haven't...

 

I currently play in a 7-piece horn-driven dance band lead by a husband and wife team. They have raised three kids and have run the band for over 13 years. I have been playing keys with the band for 2 and 1/2 years, and the whole thing runs very smoothly. There are moments of friction but they get resolved professionally. The group members are all remarkably even-tempered, occasionally hang out together socially, and every thing works smoothly.

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