Way, Way, Way OT: Divorce

[Markay]

Sad to hear that Math. Dunno if it helps and it has been mentioned above but putting the kid's best interests first (in addition to being a good thing) can help in stabilizing the impact of the swirling emotions you may be feeling for some time.

 

One other thought - it is often said that people do their best creative work when they are in an elevated emotional state. If you are into song writing and/or composition, or have entertained the idea, maybe you can use those times when you now find yourself on your own to put your feelings into music.

[ProfD]

MOI, this too shall pass. Keep your head up. Material possessions don't mean much in the grand scheme of things. Peace of mind is priceless.

 

Keep playing music. It is the best opiate. Trust that life will work out just fine.

[churchkeybob]

You have my sympathy as I have been were you are now. Keep yourself healthy and make your music. ~BOB

[kelp]

Sorry to hear. Horrible stuff. Wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

 

In other news - best decision I ever made!

[Tom Williams]

Hey, MOI, I can 2/3 relate -- my wife and I were separated three times in the past 12 years. I even received the divorce papers once. Didn't sign. It looks like we're now back together permanently.

 

I'll try and thrown in a, um, complementary view to some of the others above, while trying not to hit you with any (verboten) religion: if there is a way to reconcile and save the marriage, it is (usually) better than the best divorce.

 

Either way, stay strong.

[Groove58]

I can't believe that I am going through this. 34 years married. About six months ago, I noticed my wife was really distant. Asked her what was going on? Ten minutes of silence later, she said that she wanted to move out. Refuses to get counseling. She just wants out. There seems to be nothing that I can do. So, she moved out (at my expense, since she has no income) and I am stuck.

 

Right now, I am ruined emotionally. In a few months, I will probably be ruined financially.

 

Can't believe it. I thought that my marriage was the best thing in my life.

 

Sounds a lot like what happened to me 10 years ago, after 24 years of marriage. What it may surprise you to discover, as it did me, is that it is not as uncommon as you may think.

 

Of course, everybody's story is different, and only those concerned know the full details, but sometimes one partner just "goes off the rails" in some way for no good or apparent reason and refuses to listen to anybody, and in the end, there is nothing the other partner can do but stay civil, be there for the children if any, and move on.

 

However, while scars may remain, wounds do heal in time, especially with support from family and friends.

 

Although divorce was the last thing I ever expected or wanted, and I did everything I could to avoid it, 10 years later my new life with my new partner is better emotionally, intellectually, and financially than my first marriage ever was.

 

Sometimes an old ruin becomes the foundation of a new mansion.

[HammondDave]

Sorry to read this, Math. Hang in there.

[HammondDave]

If she sues over gear, let her have the Roland amps. We won't say anything.

 

Yeah... it will probably catch on fire and burn her house down. (I'm not bitter... right)

 

[Joe Muscara]

I can't believe that I am going through this. 34 years married. About six months ago, I noticed my wife was really distant. Asked her what was going on? Ten minutes of silence later, she said that she wanted to move out. Refuses to get counseling. She just wants out. There seems to be nothing that I can do. So, she moved out (at my expense, since she has no income) and I am stuck.

 

Right now, I am ruined emotionally. In a few months, I will probably be ruined financially.

 

Can't believe it. I thought that my marriage was the best thing in my life.

Aw man, sorry to hear that. That must be devastating. Best wishes to you, too.

[The Real MC]

Been there. 95% of gear was pre-marital and couldn't be touched, but had to start over financially and emotionally. Not fun.

[J. Dan]

My last post was on the humorous side for the most part, but I think many on here will attest to the PM's I had with many people on here when I went through mine. I think some of the folks who talked to me privately and really helped me didn't even like me, LOL, but were still great. Don't ever be afraid to reach out. Sometimes distant friends can be a godsend. If you ever want to chat, hit me up.

[Iconoclast]

FWIW, been divorced for about 18 years. Looking back it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Seemed pretty devastating at the time but not anymore.

 

I was lucky though. I didn't really have any money so she couldn't take anything from me.

 

I ended up with my kids most of the time so we actually ended up closer than before the divorce.

 

After a couple years I met the girl I should have married the first time around. 15 years later we're still happy little kids.

 

My only advice is DON'T JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Date a little and move around (they got this thing called the internet now!) but don't get serious for at least 2 years. AT LEAST.

 

Don't settle, the right person comes around eventually.

[MathOfInsects]

Man. Is there anyone on this board who isn't divorced? And funny?

 

So much good advice. I've definitely spent many years hoping and working for the best. My kids are 9 and 7, and I don't want them to deal with even the best divorce. I'm a big pussy about my kids. But as Louis CK says, divorce never ends a good marriage. Without going into detail, it's safe to say that it turns out my marriage hasn't been what I thought it was for at least a year, possibly more, and there is no way back from here.

 

I had a gig the night I decided to file last week. (The one I posted clips of over on KCII.) About halfway through the gig, this wave of transcendence hit. Funny enough, it was during "Jesus Children of America," though not for any religious reason, trust me that seed has found no purchase here. It was something in that big key change to the V that sort of "unified" my mind, and I stayed blissed out and present-tense from that point on. It was "just another" gig, but I'll always remember it as my "divorce" gig.

 

Today we had The Final Talk where I told her I'd filed, and tomorrow she gets served. (The nice way, not the "you've been served!" way.) She said stuff. I realized the road ahead was going to be bumpy.

 

I'm really sad for my kids, but time will help that (for them).

 

Bill (and others), good advice about drinking. I do find my ways to anesthetize. I will heed your words of caution.

 

ProfD and Markay (and others)...music, yeah. I do write. We'll see what comes.

 

On the great advice about the long run...yeah. There's good stuff on the other side, I know that. I just need to trek across Antarctica to get there. What could go wrong there?

 

Gratitude, brethren.

[piano39]

Thanks for all of your comments and advice.

 

[PianoMan51]

Man. Is there anyone on this board who isn't divorced? And funny?

 

No.

[DulceLabs.com]

My kids are 9 and 7, and I don't want them to deal with even the best divorce.

 

Don't sweat it. To quote George Constanza "I'm the result of my parents having stayed together, so you never know."

[wineandkeyz]

My kids are 9 and 7, and I don't want them to deal with even the best divorce.

 

I've been there and done that, Math... my ex kept the t-shirt.

 

You may not want your kids to have to deal with this but they will, so make it the best you can. You and your wife will be raising these young folks for quite a while, so do your best to work together. It wasn't easy, but my ex and I were able to keep our kids out of the middle of it. We had our other differences, but when it came to anything dealing with the girls, we stayed in touch and talked things through. It was actually frustrating for the girls when they tried to play us off against each other but found out we were on the same page.

 

Don't know if you're a praying man, but I am, so my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Danny Linguini]

Man. Is there anyone on this board who isn't divorced? And funny?

 

So much good advice. I've definitely spent many years hoping and working for the best. My kids are 9 and 7, and I don't want them to deal with even the best divorce. I'm a big pussy about my kids. But as Louis CK says, divorce never ends a good marriage. Without going into detail, it's safe to say that it turns out my marriage hasn't been what I thought it was for at least a year, possibly more, and there is no way back from here.

 

I had a gig the night I decided to file last week. (The one I posted clips of over on KCII.) About halfway through the gig, this wave of transcendence hit. Funny enough, it was during "Jesus Children of America," though not for any religious reason, trust me that seed has found no purchase here. It was something in that big key change to the V that sort of "unified" my mind, and I stayed blissed out and present-tense from that point on. It was "just another" gig, but I'll always remember it as my "divorce" gig.

 

Today we had The Final Talk where I told her I'd filed, and tomorrow she gets served. (The nice way, not the "you've been served!" way.) She said stuff. I realized the road ahead was going to be bumpy.

 

I'm really sad for my kids, but time will help that (for them).

 

Bill (and others), good advice about drinking. I do find my ways to anesthetize. I will heed your words of caution.

 

ProfD and Markay (and others)...music, yeah. I do write. We'll see what comes.

 

On the great advice about the long run...yeah. There's good stuff on the other side, I know that. I just need to trek across Antarctica to get there. What could go wrong there?

 

Gratitude, brethren.

 

I wasn't gigging at the time, but it was a Red Dog beer commercial that was my 'divorce moment'. I was on the fence for months, and 'Be your own dog' is what pushed me over. I don't think that's what that ad agency had in mind, but so what.

[Synthoid]

Man. Is there anyone on this board who isn't divorced? And funny?

 

Separated for over 3 years... gets boring and lonely at times, but I don't miss the nonsense.

[HammondDave]

FWIW, been divorced for about 18 years. Looking back it's the best thing that ever happened to me. Seemed pretty devastating at the time but not anymore.

 

I was lucky though. I didn't really have any money so she couldn't take anything from me.

 

I ended up with my kids most of the time so we actually ended up closer than before the divorce.

 

After a couple years I met the girl I should have married the first time around. 15 years later we're still happy little kids.

 

My only advice is DON'T JUMP RIGHT BACK INTO A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Date a little and move around (they got this thing called the internet now!) but don't get serious for at least 2 years. AT LEAST.

 

Don't settle, the right person comes around eventually.

 

I highly recommend professionals...

[Threadslayer]

 

I highly recommend professionals...

Well now. That's an interesting response which can be interpreted a couple of different ways...

[Synthoid]

 

I highly recommend professionals...

Well now. That's an interesting response which can be interpreted a couple of different ways...

 

Indeed.

[timwat]

FWIW, in no particular order, some things I learned:

 

1) There were a few people around me who encouraged me to never, never, ever talk shit about my ex. They were a quiet minority. Most said they were crazy, naive, stupid. I did the best I could to follow this line of guidance. Ends up, they were right.

 

2) Do the best you can to protect your children from unnecessary pain. It's going to hurt them too, and the adjustments are painful. Put their interests before your own, and it's hard to make bad decisions.

 

3) You can be kind and gracious without being foolish and stupid. I resolved to maintain this posture throughout the divorce proceedings and it paid dividends. And continues to pay dividends.

 

4) My kids graduated from high school when it all went down. Over time, they will watch to observe true character in their parents. Rest assured, the truth cannot be hidden. All the more reason to be the best version of you that you can ever be.

 

5) 10 years later: I am a better man than I would ever have been, in ways I can actually specify and articulate. But the thing that matters most to me is that my boys have become fine, wise, honorable young adult men who still love each other as brothers. With that, I can die a happy man.

 

6) I have found love again after a very long transformation period. I'm far more grateful for what I have now. I don't think I would have been ready to meet her all those years ago.

 

7) ultimately a cliche: you can only control what you can control. in a divorce, there's much you can't. But the stuff you control (like the posture you bring into any meeting or engagement), you're accountable for.

 

hope that helps some. Ignore if it doesn't.

 

Tim

[Doerfler]

hope that helps some.

Tim

 

helped me, Tim, and I'm currently still married to the same woman for 23.5 years. After reading this thread, I see that is no guarantee of the future.

[Philip Clark]

FWIW, in no particular order, some things I learned:

 

1) There were a few people around me who encouraged me to never, never, ever talk shit about my ex. They were a quiet minority. Most said they were crazy, naive, stupid. I did the best I could to follow this line of guidance. Ends up, they were right.

 

2) Do the best you can to protect your children from unnecessary pain. It's going to hurt them too, and the adjustments are painful. Put their interests before your own, and it's hard to make bad decisions.

 

3) You can be kind and gracious without being foolish and stupid. I resolved to maintain this posture throughout the divorce proceedings and it paid dividends. And continues to pay dividends.

 

4) My kids graduated from high school when it all went down. Over time, they will watch to observe true character in their parents. Rest assured, the truth cannot be hidden. All the more reason to be the best version of you that you can ever be.

 

5) 10 years later: I am a better man than I would ever have been, in ways I can actually specify and articulate. But the thing that matters most to me is that my boys have become fine, wise, honorable young adult men who still love each other as brothers. With that, I can die a happy man.

 

6) I have found love again after a very long transformation period. I'm far more grateful for what I have now. I don't think I would have been ready to meet her all those years ago.

 

7) ultimately a cliche: you can only control what you can control. in a divorce, there's much you can't. But the stuff you control (like the posture you bring into any meeting or engagement), you're accountable for.

 

hope that helps some. Ignore if it doesn't.

 

Tim

 

+1000. Lots of great stuff here.

[ProfD]

Man. Is there anyone on this board who isn't divorced? And funny?

I've never been married. I'm more like Hugh Hefner than Al Bundy.

 

But, I've always been a natural clown. Maybe I'll be Cali whenever the dust settles in your sphere. If so, we'll link up over food, drinks and jokes.

 

On a serious note, I still believe you and your family will be fine. Hang in there mayne.

[marino]

I went thru the whole mess twice. Plus a number of relatively less committing engagements. In perspective, I'd say that I miss not having used my full potential for adventure, traveling, wild sex et al when I was younger... but as a few of you, I was *really* occupied with trying to become a musician...

 

Btw I think that all people being different, every relationship is different, and has to be treated accordingly. In other words, there are no rules, except to pay attention and respect to the "other" side, even when she becomes an ex. I think that all things considered, in a way I still love most of my ex wives and significant girlfriends, because of the good moments that we gave each other.

 

Luckily, I never had to face legal troubles - because I was always able to settle things in a friendly way, and because I have no kids.

 

The only advice that I feel I can add to the excellent stories above is this: If you're thinking to embark in a new relationship right after ending an important one, think hard before doing it. It *will* ease the pain, but inevitably, you will end up totally attached to it; and if your new partner will desert you as well, you will feel disintegrated.

 

 

[piano39]

Man. Is there anyone on this board who isn't divorced? And funny?

 

Separated for over 3 years... gets boring and lonely at times, but I don't miss the nonsense.

 

How does that work? Are you legally separated? It occurs to me that I would be best off financially if my wife and I kept on just being separated for about 3 years. That way, I don't have to pay a court mandated spousal support, etc. The way it stands, I would have to pay spousal support, including health insurance, etc for her. She would get more 60-70% of my income if we made it legal (I think).

Then when she turns 65, we can make it legal.

I can't believe that I'm talking about this. The money that we had saved up for a trip to Europe this year is now going for her living expenses.

[piano39]

hope that helps some.

Tim

 

helped me, Tim, and I'm currently still married to the same woman for 23.5 years. After reading this thread, I see that is no guarantee of the future.

 

I wish the best for you. But I learned the hard way that there are no guarantees. I would have bet my year's salary against your six pack of beer that my wife would never leave me.

[delmar]

I married the first girl I ever fell in love with. Then convinced her we should move across the country where we knew no one. I remember driving down the road before the wedding suddenly thinking, "This is one of the last times I'll ever just drive down the road free as a bird." That should have been a clue, but when both brains are seriously into a woman it's game over for me. It least that WAS true; thank god I got the message when it was over.

 

It took me years to get up the stones to ask for a divorce. After ten years together, she remarried within 6 months. I dated, in order: the girl you don't take home to Mama with a body built for sin and perhaps the most lost, amoral person I have ever met; two batpoop crazy women; a hardcore environmental activist who ended up going to the Federal pokey for doing a very bad thing, and a couple of women who were nice enough but got way too attached before we even knew each other.

Then suddenly I got the chance to play in a national touring act. Within a year I was dating the nicest, most beautiful girl I've ever been with. Spent almost everything I didn't spend on musical instruments flying to see her or flying her out to shows.

But she was young and suffered from depression and it ended. Met a girl closer to my age who was hilarious and gorgeous and smart. Convinced her to move to Colorado. Within days of her moving in, on my next tour, the tearful late night "I'm so lonely without you" phone calls became a daily ritual. Two years of that, and on my last tour (as I had given my notice), she started sleeping with a friend of the band.

 

Shit, this is depressing!

 

I just spent my sixth anniversary with the girl I've been living with for five years. I have told her my reasons for not wanting to get married, and so far she understands. In my opinion, marriage is for people who are stable and like stability. I don't think I am either of those things. Hell, I just gave up a career in medicine to focus on music again! To me, life must have adventure. And a piece of paper means nothing compared to how two people feel about each other. For me, music has always been my main squeeze. I can't live without her.