When Bandmates Hook Up

[JimboK]

So I think my bass player and my new female lead vocalist just starting hooking up on the sly. Both mid 20's and single so power to them I guess but...

 

... did the band's "4 Horses of Apocalypse" just ride in?

 

Tell me stories where this WASN'T a problem if you got 'em.

[JeffLearman]

I played in a band where the guitarist and drummer were an item, but that was the case before, during, and after, and had nothing to do with any of it. Actually, the guitarist was sometimes a bit full of himself, and whenever he was, we could count on the drummer (cute blond) to back us up when we dissed him for it. I think that's the exception that proves the rule, though.

 

The closest I've come to band drama was in my last blues band. The guitarist left his wife, who he'd been stepping out on on the sly for over a year, and when the (female) singer (recent divorcee still hurting from her maniac ex), she called it quits; couldn't be in the same room with a cheater. Which is fine, but she hangs with another of our music crowd who did the same thing and she doesn't see the inconsistency. No doubt part of the reason is guitarist's wife was a friend whereas the other wife was someone who avoided our crowd for many years. We'd all seen her just once.

 

It's too bad, too, because he's my favorite guitarist, and she's my favorite vocalist, and I'd really like to be in a band with the both of them. Ah well. He's the kind where you can even be in a two guitar band and it's not a volume war; he works on the other guitarist to minimize it. Ah well.

[Doc Tonewheel]

Tell me stories where this WASN'T a problem if you got 'em.

 

I wish I could, but I can't. Bad experience (not me, other bandmates), twice with one pregnancy to make things worse.

[Baldwin Funster]

Your band is done. If they break up the atmosphere will be poison. If they stay hooked up they will overrule and out vote everybody on band decisions until they are the only ones who haven't quit.

[sMatt]

Your band is done. If they break up the atmosphere will be poison. If they stay hooked up they will overrule and out vote everybody on band decisions until they are the only ones who haven't quit.

 

 

[Joe Muscara]

Tell me stories where this WASN'T a problem if you got 'em.

Nope, I don't. I think it's even worse for the band if it's on the sly.

 

In my case, they're still together personally (now married) and musically (as a duo). I'm glad for them, they're very happy with what they have. We're still friends.

[mate stubb]

Er, not sure how this qualifies, but:

 

I once had a female singer leave the band because NOBODY would hook up with her.

[Josh Paxton]

I personally know of one case where it was fine. Musician friend had a fling with a singer whose band he played with occasionally, while they were on a road trip. The fling ended when the trip did, but apparently it never got weird. I think they rekindled it a couple more times on subsequent trips over the years, with the same result. They continue to be friends and work together to this day.

 

But of course, that's one case among dozens...

[GDP]

This is one instance where I would agree with the term "politically incorrect".

 

[Dana.]

How much does the gig pay? Apparently well.

[JimboK]

Thanks everyone. Great input. For the record, the relationship is new and won't be on the sly for long. They're adults and will act as such. Thankfully I got that going for me.

 

Kas: great reply. You pretty nailed the "worst fear". The "ganging up to vote" thing has happened to me before. That situation, thankfully, was a short term project but still painfull to watch. I'm the main leader in this current band so if there's gonna be a conflict, it'll be over my decisions most likely. Oh well. Hoping for the best....

[MAJUSCULE]

I've tried to hook up with female singers but it's never worked out.

 

So no.

 

But I still play with them and it's not weird.

 

[Brettymike]

As long as "2" don't turn into "3" , that could be very inconveniencing and put a spanner in the music.

 

Brett

[Markay]

They are in their 20's - prime hook up, break up phase. Best have strategy ready when, or if, they breakup.

[hurricane hugo]

Thanks everyone. Great input. For the record, the relationship is new and won't be on the sly for long. They're adults and will act as such. Thankfully I got that going for me.

 

Kas: great reply. You pretty nailed the "worst fear". The "ganging up to vote" thing has happened to me before. That situation, thankfully, was a short term project but still painfull to watch. I'm the main leader in this current band so if there's gonna be a conflict, it'll be over my decisions most likely. Oh well. Hoping for the best....

 

if you're that worried about it, can 'em both now.

[SpaceNorman]

It takes working with grown ups ... but it isn't completely out of the realm. I'd pray ... or at least belt out a couple of incantations.

[cgiles]

Er, not sure how this qualifies, but:

 

I once had a female singer leave the band because NOBODY would hook up with her.

 

Same here. I finally had to 'take one for the team'.

 

chas

[CEB]

Been there done it. It is usually fine.

 

The ganging up to vote thing should be a non issue because a good band is not a democracy.

 

If it is a problem them replace somebody or leave.

[Nillerbabs]

Come February, I have been going steady with the lead singer of my band for two years. We used to be a quintet, but due to a change of sound and the guitarist going abroad for a couple of months, we are now down to a trio.

 

It's my girlfriend's band, and the drummer doubles as producer, mixing technician, and the voice of reason in every decision being made. So basically, I just turn up and play. I give my 0.05 and support wherever I can, but it's really not in my hands. It does require a certain level of professionalism during rehersals and gigs, which I have to provide, 'cuz she can't stay off me. Otherwise, so far everything is going perfectly smooth.

[Joe Muscara]

It does require a certain level of professionalism during rehersals and gigs, which I have to provide, 'cuz she can't stay off me. Otherwise, so far everything is going perfectly smooth.

 

There are some really great posts in this thread. Keep 'em coming, guys.

[richforman]

Many years ago was in a very steady working top 40 cover band wherein the guitarist and the girl singer, both married to others I think, were having an ongoing affair somehow behind everybody's back. The guitarist and the band's bass player were partners/owners of the band, it was theirs together. When the affair came out, the bass player was furious with both of them but was too intertwined with this guitar player business-wise to get rid of him, but the girl was fired immediately. It was a shakeup but as I remember the band kept going and actually got a new girl singer who was better so I guess it only ended up really bad for her in the immediate aftermath. The friendship between the two guys though was damaged and the band's days were numbered after that. I remember him saying he had learned two things - "that I have an a***ole for a singer and I have an a***ole for a partner."

[Gary75]

Two experiences, and it ended up having rehearsals and gigs where they would talk 'shop' between themselves in terms of what they were doing, eating, holidaying. It got very annoying and dull. They might as well have thrown a hand grenade in the room on both occasions. I always think its incredibly lazy to team up with a band mate. I'd much prefer to keep my private and professional life seperate.

[RABid]

So I think my bass player and my new female lead vocalist just starting hooking up on the sly. Both mid 20's and single so power to them I guess but...

 

... did the band's "4 Horses of Apocalypse" just ride in?

 

Tell me stories where this WASN'T a problem if you got 'em.

 

I was in a band in which the male guitarist/singer was living with the female singer. When they split up everything was fine. When they each started seeing other people, everything was still fine. When he found out that another band had talked to her about singing with them, it all went to Hell.

[16251]

I was in a wedding band and it appeared the guitar player and vocalist were hooking up. I didn't have any evidence, or really cared to tell you the truth. The part I didn't like is the vocalist before would be a motivator on stage/off stage to everyone, but when they started both of them would be on stage looking at each other and making each other laugh, etc., but was basically avoiding the rest of the band and it gets tired really quick to have to endure their flirting - just get a room already!, and keep it private.

[Adan]

It might turn out to be fine, but if you're the band leader and investing your time and energy into this project, then you have to play the percentages, and the percentages are not good.

 

I always managed to avoid pooping in my own backyard in this way in the music context and, for many years, in day job context as well. But somehow I ended up married to a young lady who still works right down the hall from me. It has never interfered with ours or anyone else's work in the slightest, everyone is completely cool with it. So I'm not someone who will say these things can't turn into happy endings.

[MotiDave]

Slight OT: last general purpose cover band I played in, it broke up because of the girl co-lead singer. nobody was going out with her, nobody wanted to even though she imagined she was hot. she wasnt. what she was was a total bitch.

 

in the 80s, i was in bands in which somebody slept with someone else's girlfriend. that happened alot, no band ever broke up over it. the bands always were more resilient than whatever gal's relationship was affected. we were whores, and so were the groupies that hung around. I never had a direct challenge in this regard but there were some awkward times.

[Outkaster]

Some of it happens because like any working relationship, you spend time with that person. It's not necessarily that two people would hook up outside of a working situation because they might not ever no each-other otherwise. It's the simple fact you spend time together so it's easy to get to know each other.

[MuzikTeechur]

In my current band (for the past 10 years) the lead singer and bassist are married. It is their band. Although they have the majority vote in that they're united and it's their band, not once have they let their personal lives intrude into the band dynamic. Either they get along better than any couple I've ever known, or they're very good at compartmentalizing their home and band lives.

[Reezekeys]

It doesn't have to be illicit to be interesting. I've been in a few bands or done gigs led by couples and seeing their regular dynamic transferred to the bandstand can be an endless source of entertainment!

[JimboK]

Yeah, it seems couples can work as a leadership group (my drummer is also in another band that is lead by a husband and wife team) as they naturally can provide a unified front.

 

So it probably just means I'll have to cope with driving a bus with a steamy couple in the back seat. Hopefully they don't backseat drive or start throwing the fine china around! If I can avoid that, it should be good.