Here 'tis, the HARBINGER song, BIG WORDS and all

[LiveMusic]

Okay, here's the song I mentioned when I started the other thread about big words in modern music... specifically the words "harbinger." I could say a lot but I'll just let you read it, then I'll respond later. I appreciate your taking a look at this. The question remains whether to retain the ten dollar words. (This is a folk/country/Mellencamp style song.) I'm a rookie songwriter; started two months ago. Lots to learn. On a personal note, this song concerns my dad, who is gone now. I gotta get this one right. I've polished heck out of this song but I keep improving it every time I work on it. There will be more minor tweaking for musicality. I've got the chords and melody down but some of the phrasing must be tweaked slightly. You might not understand all of the references but I guess that's okay. I'd like to know what you think about this and also about the "bigger" words. (Minor tone... verses are Am-C-G-Am) ===== "Reflections Of Their Fear" Copyright 2001 by Duke Pittman All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without permission is prohibited. Daddy starin' pensively I wonder what he sees Six months straight of rainin' gloom I guess the cotton's doomed Backyard barks infernal Deafening dirge eternal Riveting relentlessly "Beat down," he says to me "Hell can't make me bluer Than these wet/dry evil doers They got a tip from Heaven I need seven come eleven" Harbingers so haunting All night and day through May Rainclouds didn't let up A welcome overstayed [BRIDGE 1] Said he'd never seen it -- two rigs of such contrast Stickin' next year's new seeds while pickin' on the past Close call at the turnrow, brother almost runs me down I got one crop inbound, he's ridin' his outboud [CHORUS] All have picture windows They're never crystal clear Farmers fight forever Reflections of their fear [INSTRUMENTAL BREAK] Six months straight, sweatin' a rain We're wiltin' on the vine Clouds escape like vapor Vanish as we're fryin' Today the same as yesterday Horizon foretells all Again, he asked for thunderheads But no one took the call The cows are threadbare thin "Must sell 'em now," I'm told And Daddy hasn't even sinned Just promises his soul The kicker was the heart attack His ticker due that day He'd tried so hard to make it work But only found dismay [BRIDGE 2] A farming life is trying but it does have some reward But just like war tests the best, what're you hopin' for Not sure what you want, is it warm or is it wet Careful what you ask for else you might meet with regret [CHORUS] All have picture windows They're never crystal clear Farmers fight forever Reflections of their fear [TAG] I guess we all fight forever Reflections of our fear

[Hippie]

Duke, I usually get a 'harbinger of doom' when I read lyrics, :) but that ain't too bad, really. I'd like to hear the words & music if you decide to record it. Thanks, Matt

[halljams]

Hey great song, but what's a Harbinger? :D

[dansouth]

Beautiful!

[Arjay]

C'mon...two months? Very nice job, indeed. Sterling effort. It tells a story, and evokes a time and many emotions. An honest lyric like this needs no apology...you are obviously writing from both the heart and from experience. A good combination. Keep it up.

[Tedster]

Just PUHLEEEEAAASSSE don't sing it in a Bob Dylan voice... :D

[Magpel]

Hey that's a great lyric! Harbinger works fine in a tune full of forebodings, prophecies and oracles. It's so hard to tell without hearing the melodic phrases, but to my ears there's just two rhymes in here that sound a little forced and unnatural (two ain't bad when you're trying to keep this rhyme scheme up for so many verses). And they are: 1. "two rigs of such *contrast*...past". When that word is a noun, it's CON-trast. Sometimes when using it as a verb people say con-TRAST (trochee and iamb, respectively). Either way, to me if feels forced. "Past" is a forgone conclusion when we hear "contrast." Damn shame, 'cause the meaning is perfect. It sounds out of character to me. Just my humble O. 2. "Dismay," to me, is a weak word occupying a critical position in the song: it is, after all, all he "only found." kinda the dark payoff in a way, and I find it a stylized word choice. When you're really crushed, hit bottom and lost your faith, do you call it dismay? Dismay is a parlor word and a thesaurus substitution. Like chagrin or lagubrious. Again, just my humbop. Overall, you nailed it. This is a damn fine lyric, even moreso if you're being straight with us about being a rookie. John

[LiveMusic]

[quote]Originally posted by Magpel: [b]Hey that's a great lyric! Harbinger works fine in a tune full of forebodings, prophecies and oracles. It's so hard to tell without hearing the melodic phrases, but to my ears there's just two rhymes in here that sound a little forced and unnatural (two ain't bad when you're trying to keep this rhyme scheme up for so many verses). And they are: 1. "two rigs of such *contrast*...past". When that word is a noun, it's CON-trast. Sometimes when using it as a verb people say con-TRAST (trochee and iamb, respectively). Either way, to me if feels forced. "Past" is a forgone conclusion when we hear "contrast." Damn shame, 'cause the meaning is perfect. It sounds out of character to me. Just my humble O.[/b][/quote] Say, I _really_ appreciate your comments, John. The two rigs of such contrast... this is a reference to a cotton picker (harvesting machine) and a tractor/planter combo being in the field at the same time... something Dad said I'd probably never see again. It literally rained for months. Therefore, we were planting the next year's crop in May and picking the last year's crop at the same time. Farmers call any type of machine in the field a "rig." The comment about "contrast." Oh no, I just LOVE that word, too. It took me forever to come up with the proper term meaning "opposites" -- the picker and the planter. You would think I would have been able to think of "contrast" but it took me days to come up with that. BUT... good comment... something I haven't even considered in songwriting... how people normally accent their syllables. However, when I sing it, it actually sounds okay to me. But I will think about what you said. The word "past" -- this actually has a double meaning, something I read that is good in songwriting. AND... alliteration, with the "P's." Alliteration had a lot to do with why I settled on it. It's literally meaning that we were picking the last (past) year's crop. At first, I had "last" in there but changed it to "past" because it could have a double meaning and alliteration. It adds the possibility the listener would think it means "reflecting on the sorry state of the past." What do you think? (Now that I responded.) Any difference? [b]2. "Dismay," to me, is a weak word occupying a critical position in the song: it is, after all, all he "only found." kinda the dark payoff in a way, and I find it a stylized word choice. When you're really crushed, hit bottom and lost your faith, do you call it dismay? Dismay is a parlor word and a thesaurus substitution. Like chagrin or lagubrious. Again, just my humbop.[/b] Hmmm... food for thought. I'll have to put my thinking cap on to come up with something for "dismay." I kinda know what you mean now that you point it out. Although, "dismay" is true to what happened. He kept trying to make the farm pay... hey, there's a thought... "But couldn't make it pay." Would that be better? I dunno... I kinda like the dismay better right now... a sense of hopelessness... "beat down"... "struggle." How 'bout... "But the struggle didn't pay." Or something like that. [b]Overall, you nailed it. This is a damn fine lyric, even moreso if you're being straight with us about being a rookie.[/b] Thanks so much! I am _really_ proud of this song. And yes I am at it two months now. Reason I know is because I wrote my first song two days after October 13 (October 15), which I remember because it was a friend's wedding day. Of course, understand that I am a prolific writer of bullshit... marketing material, etc. Twenty years at it. And for the first six months of this year, I have looked at literally a couple of thousand songs in my search to build a live acoustic setlist. AND... I have now read three books on songwriting! Getting there. But regarding this song... this is SO interesting how this whole process works. When I write my songs, often (as with this one), I start writing and in about one hour, I've got 90% of what will end up as the completed song. I mean, I'll have it "100%" complete but 10% of it will change due to polishing. Very interesting process. For instance, the bridge in this song... using words such as... contrast / past / turnrow / inbound / outbound... I have sweated bullets trying to get that right. I just love it now. The inbound/outbound reference to two crops... my on one rig, brother on the other... one crop going IN the ground (planting) and the other going OUT (picking)... that was like... Eureka! Not saying I won't tweak it more. But it's close. And I really had to work to make it work! Another thing... I struggled with the frog reference and that is where the initial thought came from -- a memory of Dad looking out his picture window and complaining about the damn frogs. He was pitiful. So wet, all you do was get even more depressed. This was 1973-74. Also happened to be really bad recession. There was literally water up to the doorstep and frogs had been going wild all winter. Like, breeding in the backyard. I have spent a helluva lot of time trying to make that section work. At first, I had "Backyard frogs infernal" and I decided I hated the word "frog" in the song. Just didn't sound "right." So, I decided to be more abstract with the frog thing. Then I had "Backyard croaks infernal" but it sounded bad. "Barks" used alliteration and sounded better and also conjured up a different image... like frogs barking at you. "Riveting relentlessly"... that started out as "Lamenting relentlessly" but I was trying to think of "how do frogs sound." They make "ribbet" sounds. And "Riveting relentlessly" has a double meaning AND alliteration with the "R's"! "Wet/dry evil doers" -- I just LOVE this. I first had "Than these amphibian evil doers" but it didn't sing well. And voila', I thought of a double meaning. Frogs are "wet/dry", starting their life as tadpoles in the water, then graduating to dry land. AND... the song is showcasing struggle of too much rain or not enough rain -- PERFECT analogy... hitting home that the frogs were "evil" to Dad. In fact so evil, that Heaven tipped them off that he was struggling and to let him have it by croaking and singing their dirge constantly. (Even Heaven was against him, which I tie in later with "He hasn't even sinned, just promises his soul.") Have I mentioned I like this song? Sorry for the dissertation. But I am quite enamored with this songwriting thing. I think I can do this. I appreciate your comments!

[dougsthang]

Duke, I'd like to share something with you. I was involved a year ago in a master songwriting seminar with Jim Messina. It was me a twenty other songwriters from around the country. This was very hands on by Jim, you'de go up to the stage and first recite your lyrics, then you'd perform it with the music. I learned a ton about my songwriting skill and myself as a person. I've never got so close to that many people in such a short time (5 days). We ended with a performance that was advertised on radio, kinda an "in the round" songwriters thing. I highly recommend this to anyone, Jim might have a website, not sure. I'll ask him and get back. Anyhow, the main thing he showed us with songwriting is based on a ring of emotion. The core is the emotion it took you to write the song, the second ring is the song itself being performed with that emotion you captured to write it in the first place, the third ring is the listener and how they feel those same emotions. It sounds simple but when done right it's powerful stuff. Jim is and awesome producer (Poco, Loggins & Messina...) he also showed us how with just a few tweaks you can turn a good song into a great song. Your off to a great start because this is coming from inside you and not a rhyming dictionary. The listener will pick up on that. I like the bridges and the chorus. Keep going and don't be so worried about how each line will be interpretted, it's the whole work that matters.. Doug

[Magpel]

Duke, let me just disclaim again: I really don't believe you can judge the language of a lyric without hearing it in context. Poetry, of course, is a different matter. So I was critiquing your lyric as if it were poetry. If I heard it delivered, I might not even have noticed the two little qualms I had.