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Anxiety and Depression...(long post)


Skinny

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This is just to vent, just another avenue for me to deal with what I've experienced the last few months...

 

The last few months, I've been dealing with severe anxiety, and some depression. When it was really bad a couple months ago, it was to the point where I didn't want to go to work or get out of bed. I couldn't sleep; I was scared of disease and death. My body had strange sensations - aches, pains, dizziness, waking up with night sweats. My head felt heavy and, just odd.

 

It's really crazy how much anxiety and stress can affect the body.

 

2013 was a crappy year for my wife and I. A year ago, my wife (then fiancee) lost her best childhood friend to cancer. In June, she lost her father, very unexpectedly. In August, she and I got married (yes, that was a wonderful day, but the planning was stressful, and her losing her father 2 months prior made it very bittersweet for us). Then, in October, we had to put our cat to sleep. He was having constant seizures, likely caused by a brain tumor. Some people might say he was "just a cat", but to us, my wife especially, he was a member of the family. Watching a helpless animal have repeated seizures for 5 days straight is enough to make a grown man cry.

 

My day job is at a very busy video transfer lab; I transfer old home movies and videotapes to DVD, and do things like funeral slideshow videos. I mention this because I look at dead people all day long. When I'm transferring old 8mm films, I sit and think to myself, "all these people are dead". Morbid, I know, but I can't help it. I sit and think about my own life, and how it seems to be speeding up and passing me by.

 

For some reason, my father-in-law's passing was the first time when death became real to me; when I really realized that we are all mortal. I don't know why I hadn't really thought of this all before with any other family member's passing. It seems that when we are in our 20's, life is bliss and everything is happy-go-lucky. There may be a funeral here or there, but, in my case, it was generally an older relative that I wasn't as close to as I should have been. Now in my 30's, more and more funerals happen, to seemingly younger and closer people. Whether it's cancer, old age, or whatever, death suddenly becomes real. "Whoa, people really do die at 34 years old."

 

In the case of my father-in-law, he was 72. That age seemed ancient to me when I was in my early 20's. Now, it seems young. My dad is 64. When my wife's dad passed at 72, I started thinking about my own parents; I could only have another few years with them??? That sucks!

 

So, all of the events of 2013 started an unhealthy process in my brain and body. All the death and funerals, my job ("looking at dead people all day long"), led to me obsessing about death; how it seemed like yesterday I was in college and now I'm in my mid-30's, how my parents are getting older, how there is all the cancer and disease everywhere. I stared questioning my religion; is there a God? What if there's not?

 

I remember mentioning in the What are you listening to right now? thread about how I was tired of music. I was tired of everything. Nothing interested me, except for sitting on the couch under a blanket, staring at the TV. I didn't care about music, my band, or anything.

 

I started worrying about little sensations in my body. Thus, I was unknowingly clenching my jaw and tensing my muscles in my head, neck, and shoulders. This caused even more weird sensations, like dizziness, ear ringing, muscle fatigue in my head and jaw. Well, that caused even more anxiety. "Do I have a brain tumor?" "What disease am I dying from?" "I have muscle twitches. Great, that's MS or ALS" (two diseases that scare the sh*t out of me).

 

So, then, I started losing sleep. I would wake up around midnight or 1:00 am, wide awake, and couldn't get back to sleep. Several nights, I would wake up in a profuse sweat. That caused even more anxiety. Some of the worst nights, I would wake up sweaty, wide awake, with chills and terrible pain in my joints and muscles. I was pretty much tensing muscles throughout my whole body due to anxiety and stress, but didn't realize it. I weighed myself, and saw that I had lost 15-20 pounds. I had no appetite, and was skipping meals. I skipped work here and there.

 

After a couple months of this, my wife and I woke up early one morning, she told me she knew something was wrong, and that she was very worried about me. I finally told her everything that was going on, and she convinced me to go see our doctor. That was the day before Thanksgiving.

 

I was told that it was all just severe anxiety. I was given a prescription for Paxil and Clonazepam. I was strongly encouraged to see a therapist, which I have been doing. Now, a couple months later, I am doing pretty well. I still have some negative thoughts, but I don't obsess about it like I had been doing. My weight is pretty much back to normal; my appetite is back, my sleep is normal again. Tonight is the first night in months that I am sitting and listening to music, something that didn't interest me at all a couple of months ago. I look forward to gigs on the weekends again.

 

Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Part of my therapy is to open up more; not hold thoughts and feelings in, and I feel this forum is a good way to do so. I feel like this is a very understanding and caring group of people here, and I feel comfortable disclosing all this here.

 

Thanks guys (and gals?)

 

 

Stuff and things.
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Thanks for sharing Skinny, I too like I guess nearly everyone here have lost parents and peers. I have not suffered from the same degree of intensity and duration of grief and depression but your sharing helps me understand the impact it can have on others and to be better prepared to extend a helping hand.

 

Musicians typically share a lot of their feelings and emotions when performing so it is more likely that these life events will have a deeper and lasting impact than on many others.

 

Best wishes for your continued recovery.

 

Mark

MainStage 3 | Axiom 61 2nd Gen | Pianoteq | B5 | XK3c | EV ZLX 12P

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I sympathize... myself also suffering inwardly.

I could go a little further, a little deeper, but this forum disallows religious talk. I am into the spiritual side of life .. long story. Let me say psychology seems to be into chemical solutions more, but I encourage you to keep an eye on the goal of

getting off paxil and deepening your inquiry about life itself,,, deepening faith ultimately.

One fact of interest... Tolstoy was a rare combination of great success in art, and making money, and family and respect, yet for a solid year in the midst of his unusual success- comparable to the Beatles- he wanted to commit suicide.

And he was not suffering with what you endured!

Peace

You don't have ideas, ideas have you

We see the world, not as it is, but as we are. "One mans food is another mans poison". I defend your right to speak hate. Tolerance to a point, not agreement

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It's not nice seeing your parents become vulnerable to age, and your 30's sure does make you think differently about life than your 20's. you realise that even if they have no disease, there age makes it inevitable that not in the too distant future, we won't have them around, and that's a scary thought for us who have parents who have crossed over into the realms of the pensioner. Losing my Dad's brother last year brought it home to me that could have been Dad, of whom I am very close, much closer than my mother. But, we do all have to go through it, unless we go first, which I'd hate any parent to have to witness.

 

It sounds like its perfectly natural to have developed a heightened sense of mortality given your job and family loss.

 

My parents house and the house I grew up in is next door to the village cemetery. I didn't get to see dead people per se, but I did see an awful lot of upset people in childhood.

 

You'll be good

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I went through a nine month period of depression a few years ago. You will get through it, and the relief when you realise that you have come out of the other side is heart lifting. You have that to look forward to!

 

I will be thinking of you.

 

Take care,

 

 

SSM

Occasionally, do something nice for a total stranger. They'll wonder what the hell is going on!
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I broke down 15 years ago when I lost my job, my girlfriend, and my cat all in a short period....resulted in so much pain that I had to repeatedly slash my arms to deal with it....friends took me to hospital after seeing I couldnt do anything but lie on the sofa....while I still can't work, a cocktail of medication that has stabilised my moods....hope you continue to progress, it is beatable.

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I couldn't help but notice a very similar situation that befell me long ago... My musical idol, Coltrane's untimely death, lost job, lost girlfriend all in the same miserable week in July. The pain was unbearable.

You don't have ideas, ideas have you

We see the world, not as it is, but as we are. "One mans food is another mans poison". I defend your right to speak hate. Tolerance to a point, not agreement

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Skinny, I've been through a very severe bout of anxiety and depression myself, at the time caused by the stress of work and the state of my then-relationship. I went on to Prozac, which bought me space to explore a more permanent fix. That, for me, turned out to be through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I don't know if that's what your exploring yourself at the moment, but it can be very effective at re-routing negative thinking, or stopping it at the source.

 

That's not to say I don't have down days still - I do, mainly when I'm overworking. I lost my brother to renal failure when he was only 40 and my mum not so many years afterwards. And there are still times when I find myself thinking of something I must tell them about, or call them about. And then I remember that I can't.

 

Hold on in there - and feel free to PM me if you want to. I think I can get away within the rules of the board and share that I'm a Christian, btw. Not sure whether that's a help or hindrance to you, though :) Take care.

Yamaha P515 | Yamaha CP4 | Yamaha MODX 8 | Casio PX S1000 | Nord Electro 5D | Moog Sub 37 | Korg Monologue | Native Instruments Maschine MK3 | Novation Circuit Tracks | Plug-ins Agogo

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I was really glad to read that you're getting help and it's working. At first as I was reading, I kept thinking "get help., get help, get help..." so kudos to your wife for making that happen. Methinks ya might wanna keep her! :):thu:

 

As others have hinted at gently, I'd encourage you to go deeper in your faith. You are not alone. Ever.

 

thanks for sharing & stay strong,

 

greg

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Skinny, you are not alone.

 

Many folks deal with anxiety and depression at various stages of life. Some of this is cyclical. Mine seems to cycle every 10 to 15 years or at major life milestones (such as turning 60).

 

PM me if you want to talk. I'm a good listener.

 

There's more strength and less fear in knowing that you are not alone.

Steve Coscia

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Anyway, if you've made it this far, thanks for reading. Part of my therapy is to open up more; not hold thoughts and feelings in, and I feel this forum is a good way to do so. I feel like this is a very understanding and caring group of people here, and I feel comfortable disclosing all this here.

 

Thanks guys (and gals?)

 

 

Skinny, you're on the right road.

 

It's important to know that there are other people who share what you're feeling.

 

The guys and gals on this forum can talk music and keyboards out the wazoo. That's really, really great because most everyone else thinks I'm a little crazy and tunes me out when I want to talk about pulse-width modulation, ring modulators, and how many different time signatures are in the intro to "Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?"

 

To that you can add that many of us here, me included, have experienced problems with anxiety, depression, and all that goes with it.

 

Your wife, fiancee, girlfriend, or significant other will try to understand and help you with what's going on.

 

But there are still areas that may be hard for her to understand - especially if she isn't a musician too.

 

It helps me to have someone who isn't a family member to offer their opinions and support.

 

Here... this is a good place to be.

 

Hang in there brother Skinny.

 

Tom

 

 

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
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I'm glad to hear that things are moving in a better direction. It seems also that you can take heart from the fact that you seem to have tapped (right here) into a community of people who know how to respond when they see a fellow human in distress. And in these days, you just can't take that kind of response for granted.

 

Knowing that kind of response is out there just lifted MY Friday morning. Keep on.

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I too, suffer from anxiety, have for many years and finally got real help from a psychologist who specializes in anxiety and depression disorders. It's made a huge difference in my life. You're not alone, by any stretch. And I'll second the recommendation for exercise. It helps.
I would like to apologize to anyone I have not yet offended. Please be patient and I will get to you shortly.
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I went through my own bout of it a couple of years ago. Had my heart broken when the woman I had been madly in love with went back to her ex-fiancee.

 

Didn't help that she was the vocalist in my band at the time, either. No more dipping my pen in the company inkwell.

 

 

Nord Stage 2 SW73, Kurzweil PC3LE7, Moog Sub 37, Alesis Ion, Rhodes Stage 73, Moog Werkstatt-01, Yamaha CP-300

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This question may sound a little silly but are you exercising at all? Even just a long, brisk walk can do wonders for your mental state. More intense exercise can be even more effective. Just a thought.

 

Plus N to this. I took up swimming and found the whole tone of my mind was vastly improved after a few lengths of the pool.

Yamaha P515 | Yamaha CP4 | Yamaha MODX 8 | Casio PX S1000 | Nord Electro 5D | Moog Sub 37 | Korg Monologue | Native Instruments Maschine MK3 | Novation Circuit Tracks | Plug-ins Agogo

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Hey Skinny,

 

I went through a similar scenario about 15 years ago. Lot of stress for different reasons, and I found myself constantly worrying about everything. I woke up one morning with my heart beating wildly, cold sweats, chills, dizziness, and I could not calm down. This happened a few more times and left me feeling helpless and afraid to leave my house. I was checked out by my doctor who determined I was stressed out and offered meds and advice.

 

I too, was worried I had some disease and was going to die. My wife finally asked me are you afraid to die? Without getting preachy here, lets just say I had, at one time committed myself to faith in God, and had drifted away from that to a point where I had quit trusting Him (all things happened for a reason-etc.) to the degree that I had before and do now.

 

Once I realized that my life had a reason and purpose, and I had a source of strength outside myself, I started to feel better and quit worrying about things I couldnt control. Im all for meds and whatever else helps, but to believe that theres more to our existence than what we see around us, helped me get through..

 

Hope this helps.

 

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Skinny, I'm glad you've shared, and even more glad that you are getting help. Best wishes in your continued progress, and keep us posted.

 

Heck, best wishes to all of us dealing with this issue. Thanks for sharing.

 

I've noticed three of you mentioned the death of the cat. Little f'ers really work into our lives, don't they?

"I'm so crazy, I don't know this is impossible! Hoo hoo!" - Daffy Duck

 

"The good news is that once you start piano you never have to worry about getting laid again. More time to practice!" - MOI

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Skinny,

 

I think that maybe it's good to vent like this now and then!! When I get in those moods I tend to argue with people on music forums.. then I feel worse/better.. depends on the outcome ;-)

 

I had a grade 8 teacher that I hated.. but he said something that stuck with me my entire life.. He said if you have a problem, go share it with a perfect stranger.. he made the point that sometimes you just need to get stuff off your chest, and it can be very difficult to do so with family and friends sometimes... In reality that's what you've done here.. shared your issues with a bunch of people who are removed from your situation but who may have some insight given our common interests.

 

2013 was quite a year for me as well.. I got married for the second time at age 58, to a wonderful woman and unfortunately her Dad passed away from cancer about 6 months before our wedding (which left me wondering why I waited so f-ing long to propose), and my Mom was diagnosed with dementia and I've had to take her car away from her and my brother is also recovering from a stroke that left him disabled to a certain extent, and he's out of work, and I could go on but I'm sure you get my point.

 

Personally, I always, always, always, try to find humour in everything, and for me that seems to make a big difference, it's basically how I cope. The thing is that you can get all hung up on the dark side of things, but that's just part of living. So do you really want to waste your precious life dwelling on that stuff? You sort of have to file it away and just think of other things.. At least that's what I do.

 

Everyone has some bad times, and you need to remember that you're not alone, others have been where you are, and let that give you some comfort.. Look at the people here who are sharing their experiences or giving you words of encouragement.. That's evidence of the goodness that exists in the world!! Hang in there, make sure that you're talking to your family about this (don't lock it all inside)! You may get support from surprising places, and eventually you will find your coping mechanism.. maybe some medication, maybe some music, maybe humour, maybe meditation or yoga, or a simple caress from the woman you love!

 

Hope things continue to improve for you!!

 

Craig MacDonald

Hammond BV, Franken-B (A100 in a BV cabinet), Leslies 122/147/44W, Crumar Mojo, HX3 module, Korg Kronos, VR-09, Roland GAIA, Burn, Ventilator

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Around the time I turned 30, I started having very strange and debilitating "episodes"....tunnel vision, medicinal taste in my mouth, left side of my body going numb, felt heavily-medicated etc. They would always be when I was relaxed, and just hanging out...in other words, I wasn't stressed or nervous at all *at the time*. My first thought was a flashback to my one time doing acid, that's how strong and weird these things were. Then I thought I might be having heart troubles, since I also had chest constriction and it was my left side going numb. I went to see various doctors, they could find nothing wrong.

 

After mentioning this to my aunt, she said she was taken to the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack years ago. Turned out to be anxiety. Long story short, all my physical symptoms were from stress, anxiety and depression (which are inter-related). That stuff will do a *number* on your body.

 

Over the next few years, it gradually got better. I got medicine (buspar) and counseling, and the counseling was from someone who specialized in anxiety disorders. What a difference that made. Hearing that "we'll fix this, I've seen this a lot and I know what to do" from that counselor was HUGE. He talk me things like breathing exercises and essentially meditation, but also ways to break that negative chain of thinking that perpetuates the state. You think "Here it goes again, I'll never get better because here comes another round" and that makes you feel worse, and around and around you go. It sounds super simplistic to "just say no" but that's essentially what I had to do...stop thinking like that and concentrate (or meditate) on other things.

 

For me it was years of 2 steps forward 1 step back. Many slips and "relapses", but I think I made more progress when I realized I wasn't going to instantly get better. I spend around 3 years in a state that was very much like when someone just scared you--that's the fight or flight response, adrenaline, and it's very bad to be in that all the time as you can imagine. Probably the worst thing about anxiety is the effect on sleep--lack of sleep perpetuates the problem, which makes it hard to sleep and again, around and around you go.

 

Good luck dealing with it, 16 years later it's still there for me but "under control"--whereas I came very close to being unable to work at the age of 30 when it first started happening. It may be a long hard road to be "normal" in regards to dealing with anxiety but it can happen.

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Raffkey's story has quite a bit of resonance with my own.

 

At the time of my first symptoms, I was working for a large evening newspaper in the Midlands as a copy editor, or sub-editor as they're known this side of the pond. I'd just spent the whole afternoon designing and editing the property supplement - a very boring and long job.

 

I was about to go home when production rang me to say they had lost the Quark files (i.e. my whole afternoon's work) - which meant I would have to start from scratch.

 

Well, I hit the roof. I raged over the telephone to the poor sap who'd been given the job of breaking the bad news to me and bawled him out like I'd never done to anyone, EVER, in my whole life.

 

I got off the phone and it felt like something had gone internally. My chief sub, looking across the desk at me with a very worried face, asked if I was OK. I could barely answer, and he immediately told me to go home (a 50-minute drive), and that he'd look after the remaining pages.

 

I felt a bit better at that, got my coat and went to the car park. But I had barely got 50 yards on the town's ring road when the physical feelings I'd felt after coming off the phone returned, but now in spades.

 

I felt dizzy, I had chest pains, it felt like I was going to pass out. I thought I was having a coronary and all I could keep thinking was: "I'm going to die, in this car, on the ring road, miles and miles from anyone who loves me."

 

I'm still not sure how but I managed to drive to the Accident & Emergency dept of the town's hospital, where I parked directly outside, got through the door and then collapsed.

 

A team of nurses rushed up to me and I don't remember a whole lot afterwards, but later I was told I had suffered a severe anxiety attack, mostly caused by hyperventilation, but I was allowed home and signed off from work for a couple of weeks.

 

In the days that followed, I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night experiencing the same symptoms. I would get out of bed, determined that if I was going to die (as I was convinced I was), then I'd damn well not die lying down passively in my bed.

 

Eventually, with the help of the doctors and some therapy, I recognised these anxiety attacks for what they really were and learned to 'talk myself down' from them.

 

What I wasn't then prepared for was that them being swiftly succeeded by terrible depressive episodes. My first wife has many great qualities, and we're friends now, but she wasn't the best person to have by my side for that stage of my illness. I wanted to be left alone, and she insisted that I talk and argue and took it personally when I didn't want to.

 

I remember one particularly bad episode after an argument where I ended up lying on the bathroom floor, clutching a towel to me and crying bitterly like a child. I really didn't know why I was crying, but it came from somewhere deep and terrible within me.

 

I resisted going on to medication because "I didn't want to be on the happy pills" (there was then, and still is I fear, a huge stigma around mental illness in the UK) but I eventually went on to Prozac and found to my amazement that it didn't turn me into a grinning idiot, but just made me feel 'normal' again.

 

That gave me the space to seek help through cognitive therapy, through which I learned how to recognise the inherent dangers with negative internal commentary and how to recognise the early signs.

 

Even sharing this has made me feel a little strange and pulled me back to a place I no longer wish to remember much, but I hope it might be of a little help for Skinny or anyone else out there going through similar stuff.

 

Get help, don't be ashamed of having to take medication for a while if that's what it takes - and, to repeat myself, exercise can be a really big help.

Yamaha P515 | Yamaha CP4 | Yamaha MODX 8 | Casio PX S1000 | Nord Electro 5D | Moog Sub 37 | Korg Monologue | Native Instruments Maschine MK3 | Novation Circuit Tracks | Plug-ins Agogo

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This question may sound a little silly but are you exercising at all? Even just a long, brisk walk can do wonders for your mental state. More intense exercise can be even more effective. Just a thought.

 

Plus N to this. I took up swimming and found the whole tone of my mind was vastly improved after a few lengths of the pool.

 

Glad you're getting some medical help, and I do agree that some exercise in addition to that can be an excellent thing. Best of luck with it brother.

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Personally, I always, always, always, try to find humour in everything, and for me that seems to make a big difference, it's basically how I cope.

 

I try to stay positive or else I'll default to the dark side. :evil:

 

I've become addicted to stand-up comedy on Pandora and Netflix. Lately, it's Anjelah Johnson. Gawd she's funny!

 

This video is on Netflix. The performance is called "That's How We Do It!"

 

[video:youtube]GoqcAe06Fz8

 

 

 

 

"Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent." - Victor Hugo
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Wow, I didn't expect there to be this many replies overnight. You guys are great.

 

In regard to exercise, I have joined the gym with my wife. It was her suggestion, as well as my doctor's general advice of starting to get some exercise - my day job consists of sitting in a chair all day. Depressed or not, I needed to get off my butt and get active.

 

Along with the exercise itself being good for the body, it has certain positive "side effects" - spending positive time with my wife, feeling good about accomplishing something, even if it is just a half-hour on the treadmill, or a few reps on an ab machine.

 

Some of you mentioned this kind of stuff being cyclical. I'm thinking that I'm prone to going through this several times again throughout my life. I'm not sure, but I keep thinking that turning 40 is going to be hard for me. I think of myself turning 40, and how it seems like just yesterday my parents turned 40 (even though it was almost 25 years ago), and how life seems to be going faster and faster. It's a vicious cycle in my head that I can't control. Soon I'll be 40, 50, 60, etc.

 

Anyway, thank you everyone for your kindness. It's good to know I'm not the only one that deals with this stuff.

 

 

 

 

Stuff and things.
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Skinny,

 

I am now 72 - and can say that there have been major ups and downs in my own life, including times that anxiety and fear seized me. Seems like each decade brings its own problems (and blessings). I've been divorced (twice), my father died of cancer, my mother of Alzheimer's (trying to help her was one of the most stressful periods). I have COPD, and that disease never gets better, but medication and exercise can fight the getting worse off for a while.

 

Things that have been helpful to me: As others mentioned, some form of exercise, be it running, weights, swimming, whatever - overall health is improved with exercise.

 

Fear of death - this is greatly influenced by one's feelings about what happens with death. Suffice it to say that, as a Christian, the fear of death is greatly reduced.

 

Pursuit of joy - joy and happiness aren't exactly the same thing. I get joy now from different things (such as grandchildren, time spent in building up others instead of the increasing {seems to me} tendency of society to tear down others).

 

Help from others - my wife, in particular, but also sharing even with people I may never meet in person.

 

Employment wise - I've done jobs that I really didn't care for, but must admit that running my small electronics, then computer oriented business has been better. NO job is ideal every day, but most days are fine. In your situation with the 8mm films - instead of thinking about the fate of the people that are IN the films - think of the blessing of those who are having the films changed, so that additional generations of each family can enjoy the look at the past. Your work is blessing the customers.

 

Lastly, we don't any know when our particular time here is over (and that is best). By the medical opinion of several doctors, I should have died as a result of pneumonia when I was 34. Well - I didn't. The value of a life consists not in its length, but in what was done within its length.

 

May blessings abound. (edit) -BTW - you had not posted this morning when I started writing this.

Howard Grand|Hamm SK1-73|Kurz PC2|PC2X|PC3|PC3X|PC361; QSC K10's

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"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Jim

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