Is my peculiar word worder acceptable?

[Lazarus]

In a poem/lyrics that I wrote, I used some word order inversions that at the time I wrote seemed creative to me, but now I am not so sure the result is acceptable. I would like your opinions.

The poem apparently describes a man praising his woman, but at the end the reader discovers that the man is an astronaut and the "woman" is actually the planet Mars that he is visiting and investigating. I did it that way to establish an analogy between the scientist's passion and a man's love for a woman. At one part of the poem, the idea is "I have come to this planet to investigate its surface, go up its mountains and have fun investigating its caves" but the wording I used was (with many inversions):

"Your skin I've come to undress

But fall, succumb and surrender

Pink mounts I'll climb and caress

Dark caves I'll find very tender"

 

 

[Griffinator]

Sounds a bit forced to me.

[Joe Muscara]

It seems okay to me, but I would have left out the explanation to avoid biases.

 

On a second reading, some of the phrases are a bit much if it were about a woman, "pink mounts" and "dark caves." If a person was thinking that was about a woman, they'd be like, "ewww."

 

I don't have issue with the structure, though.

[atFulcrum]

If that's not the way you'd say it to a lover in real life, it's not going to ring true when you sing it to her either.

[skipclone 1]

Omit the word `very`.

You can compensate for the meter by using `I will` instead of `I`ll`.